Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

I called the police on my DS (18)

37 replies

Crastinator · 19/02/2022 06:42

Just need some support / advice. DS came home 4am shouting at his gf, not the first time. He'd been at work (restaurant) then to a club, Obviousky drank a lot. I woke up, tried to intervene and he started on me. He's a big lad, was throwing his weight around, slamming doors, swearing at me and his gf, couldn't even speak to him, wouldnt listen. I'm a single mum and have two younger DCs, thankfully asleep through all of it. Long story short, I called the police, felt I couldn't handle the situation, triggered because his father was abusive, furious that he was behaving this way, mortified that my DS was being so abhorrent to his gf. They took him into custody, I didn't expect or want that. Just wanted some back up, some authority. Now if course I'm wracked with guilt. Worried how it will affect our relationship but I will never forgive myself if I've raised a son who intimidates and threatens women. Is it genetic, alcohol, or is there sthg I can do to stop him from repeating history? Was I wrong to call the police? Just mortified.

OP posts:
Santaslittlemelter · 19/02/2022 06:44

You were right to do it. Well done.

TibetanTerrah · 19/02/2022 06:45

I don't think you were wrong. It'll be a shock to both of you but you did the right thing, he can't believe like that and will get worse through adulthood the longer he gets away with it. Is the gf ok?

TibetanTerrah · 19/02/2022 06:45

Behave not believe

Theunamedcat · 19/02/2022 06:47

See how he behaves later and take it from there

Russell19 · 19/02/2022 06:47

You were right to do it.

You were wrong to not want him arrested. You can't just call the police and expect them to de escalate a situation on your behalf, then leave you with the same risks.

NiceTwin · 19/02/2022 06:48

You did the right thing.
Did his gf back you up?

Rainallnight · 19/02/2022 06:49

Gosh, OP, you poor thing. That’s a lot to deal with.

There’s a lot here no one can answer for you. It could be that he’s learned abusive behaviour from his dad. And alcohol won’t help at all. Did he have any counselling for what he saw at home?

As for your relationship, he probably won’t be delighted but you did what you had to do. He can’t be allowed to behave like that in your home.

You’re in shock now but you need to have a bit of a think about what your plan is for when he gets home. Lots of people will post here saying you should throw him out, and I’d agree but I know it’s not straightforward.

If you do want to let him live with you, you’ve got to make it clear that he can’t behave like that and if he does it again, then he’ll be out. Can you get someone to be with you for a conversation with him? A friend or relative?

Original poster
Crastinator · 19/02/2022 06:57

Thank you for all the responses. I didnt consider throwing him out tbh, well I just don't know whether I could. But yes, one reason for calling them was because I was just thinking "I can't have this happening in my house" having left his father to escape that. His gf is completely supportive, I think grateful for me stepping in. I really care about her and feel responsible.... like I can see how he controls her and I've been there. I think he hates that I try to defend her. Don't get me wrong, my DS is often considerate and really well mannered and we have a great relationship. I hope I havent damaged it. Sorry, rambling.

OP posts:
TheBigDilemma · 19/02/2022 06:58

Honestly OP, you were right to call. This may get you some respect as he knows now you won’t put up with it.

It may escalate as well, but if it does, you know that for the sake of the emotional and physical welfare of you all he needs to be stopped or removed.

He may have grown up with abuse but repeating it is a choice.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/02/2022 07:00

You were right. No one needs to be treated like that.

Mooster62 · 19/02/2022 07:04

You can't call the police and then expect them to not Do their jobs properly. Perhaps the shock of being arrested will make him think about his behaviour. It is important to make him understand that you won't tolerate it.

Original poster
Crastinator · 19/02/2022 07:04

Ty thebigdilemma , that is helpful, I will day that to him. I know he can control it, as soon as I was on the phone, tears streaming down my face, he calmed down. It is a choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crastinator · 19/02/2022 07:11

Also, I understand that the police did exactly what they should, I suppose its shock, hard not to think of DS as "just a boy", and that I called them when emotions were high and didn't stop to consider the outcome, just that I/we needed help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crastinator · 19/02/2022 07:14

I will look into some counselling. For all of us. Thanks mumsnet. Not been on here in years but I knew you'd help.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/02/2022 07:18

Well done OP.

He needs to know that this kind of behaviour won’t be tolerated. Counselling is a great idea. 💐 for you, you’ve had a nasty shock

catfunk · 19/02/2022 07:19

If he's abusing his gf then please get tougher on him op

UghFletcher · 19/02/2022 07:19

It's a really hard position to be in OP but you absolutely did the right thing

He was only sorry and started crying when you were on the phone because he realised there were going to be consequences to his actions.

Hopefully this will give him the short sharp shock he needs.

You have shown now that you won't tolerate this behaviour in your house and it's not acceptable.

girlmom21 · 19/02/2022 07:32

You've done the right thing. I'd consider encouraging his girlfriend to leave him if you can see history repeating itself.

jelly79 · 19/02/2022 07:35

I applaud you OP! You showed both him and his GF that this behaviour is not acceptable

Please talk to him when he gets home but do not accept blame or apologise. He needs to come home with an apology to you both and to talk about how he will avoid this happening again.

I hope a night in a cell has given him the chance to really calm down and reflect

Weenurse · 19/02/2022 07:35

You did the right thing to de-escalate the situation. 💐

Berthatydfil · 19/02/2022 07:36

You did the right thing. You cannot let him abuse you in your home.

NeverChange · 19/02/2022 07:36

You 100% did the right thing.

He was abusing you and his gf.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he has some serious issues, especially the controlling part.

I did you should either kick him out or tell him he can only stay if he does to anger management and domestic abuse counselling.

MrsMo21 · 19/02/2022 07:38

@Crastinator as someone who also has been abused in every way by an ex h, you have absolutely done the right thing. I wish my exH mother had done it too when his behaviour escalated in his teenage years, he maybe would have thought twice about what he did later down the line.
You have set an example that he absolutely does not treat anyone the way his father did and that you will not stand for it. He isn’t a boy anymore, he is criminally responsible for his actions and he needs to know this.

That poor girl 💔

Livebythecoast · 19/02/2022 07:41

That must have been very frightening for you and his GF. You did the right thing though. Hopefully this will be a wake up call and the police will speak with him once he's sobered up.
Let's hope he's mortified and apologises and more importantly, learns from it and his behaviour will not be tolerated.
You're bound to feel guilty, he's your son BUT where do you draw the line?, when he's physical?.
Hopefully once he's home, you can talk to him and he will realise and understand why you had to call the police incase it escalated physically and then he would have been arrested for assault.
Let's hope you can all move on from this as a family Flowers

HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 07:45

You absolutely did the right thing. You couldn’t keep yourself, your other children, or his girlfriend safe and you needed help. Hopefully it will make him realise his behaviour is not okay. Take care of yourself today.

Swipe left for the next trending thread