I called the police on my DS (18)

[Crastinator]

Just need some support / advice. DS came home 4am shouting at his gf, not the first time. He'd been at work (restaurant) then to a club, Obviousky drank a lot. I woke up, tried to intervene and he started on me. He's a big lad, was throwing his weight around, slamming doors, swearing at me and his gf, couldn't even speak to him, wouldnt listen. I'm a single mum and have two younger DCs, thankfully asleep through all of it. Long story short, I called the police, felt I couldn't handle the situation, triggered because his father was abusive, furious that he was behaving this way, mortified that my DS was being so abhorrent to his gf. They took him into custody, I didn't expect or want that. Just wanted some back up, some authority. Now if course I'm wracked with guilt. Worried how it will affect our relationship but I will never forgive myself if I've raised a son who intimidates and threatens women. Is it genetic, alcohol, or is there sthg I can do to stop him from repeating history? Was I wrong to call the police? Just mortified.

You did the right thing.

He needed a wake-up call and has to understand his behaviour is not acceptable and that there are consequences.

I don’t feel well done is the most appropriate response but I do totally understand the sentiment behind it. You did an extremely difficult thing that many parents ought to do and just don’t. You have shown your sons that there are consequences to his poor behaviour and with any luck he’ll have had time to reflect upon that and will understand what he’s done wrong. Do you think he’s emotionally mature enough to see that?

I hope once he’s sober and been spoken to by the police he can realise you did what you did out of fear and love and that it remains a one off event

You did the right thing @Crastinator for you, your son and his girlfriend.

I wonder if there's some kind of support/programme for children of abusers?

Not necessarily a perpetrators programme at this stage but maybe some work around healthy relationships, not perpetuating the patterns they've seen before.

I just got a call from an officer who says he's to be released but there may be bail conditions so if there's anywhere else he can go. There isn't and told him I dont feel at risk, just want him home. Had a couple of hours sleep with fretful dreams. I think a course of some sort would be really good actually, thanks whoever suggested, sorry I'm a bit foggy. Nip it in the bud before it's too late. I want to tell his gf to leave him, I told her last night I don't think she should be staying here (partly because I worry she is being held back in her own life) she understands but there is a lot of love there too. They are 99% of the time an adorable couple and my son is (a little bit too) obsessed with her.

mariotime ty for course suggestion

Good for you! He shouldnt get away with treating you or his girlfriend that way!

You absolutely did the right thing.

I agree courses / counselling would help. Your son might not have "learned" abusive behaviour in the simplistic way of thinking its OK, but after having an abusive parent he may struggle to regulate his emotions and need help to learn healthy ways of dealing with his feelings.

Obsession with his gf is certainly something that would benefit from therapy, it's not healthy.

Keep your chin up, op. You're a great mum

I hope this is the shock he needs, so he realises his behaviour has to change. You did the right thing, OP.

You did the right thing OP. It might help you to think what you would have said to a friend who had found his/herself in a similar situation. Chances are you would have told them to do exactly as you did; you did well.

You absolutely did the right thing, I grew up in a abusive house and my brother has a foot print of my father but worst, he wouldn’t get any help when younger and now as a nearly 40 year old has attacked my mum countless times to the point of almost killing her. She’s called the police once but would press charges as it would ruin his life! He constantly pulls the you this to me card and blames her for everything….
What i’m trying to say is you did the right thing, please watch out for typical script as he could be grooming you and insist on therapy if he is going to live with you.

Such a difficult position but hopefully this shakes him into changing. Agree with the counselling idea.

I hope you have him home now, and it’s a productive, peaceful day.

You did absolutely the right thing. Some family counselling sounds like a good idea, and also tackling his ideas about relationships with women. Obvs they are teens and thus there is drama, but you mention obsessiveness, which is a close cousin of possessiveness - best to nip in the bud.