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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Did you make a wise decision when your adult DCs were teens to stop asking them to clean their rooms? Success stories please!

34 replies

stirling · 11/02/2022 16:04

Just that really! I've tried everything, sanctions, support, gentle nudging, not so gentle nudging, hysteria...

Then I thought about a close friend who's lost her adult child, and wondered if it's even worth bothering with this?

Did anyone here change tact when their kids were teens and are glad about it now?

Thank you

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 11/02/2022 16:14

Why would it be a wise decision to let them live in Shit 🙄? I hounded all 3 of mine at various times in their teenage years and one by one they all got on board...... they have all gone on to be very tidy adults, and not expecting their partners to clean up after them....so job done, as far as I am concerned... my view was....they are living under my roof and their bedroom is ultimately part of my home so they should not have dirty crockeryand smelly clothes strewn around and they should keep their rooms smelling fresh ..... no one knows what the future holds and god forbid should anything happen to mine
...I would not be thinking...oh God , I shouldn't have made them.clean their rooms....that is a very odd viewpoint IMO

CrinklyCraggy · 11/02/2022 16:17

I've just closed the door on my DS's rooms (now 18 & 20) for years now. I never go it there. Clean laundry gets left outside the door and they know that if it's not put away with 24hrs I'll stop doing their washing and ironing.

The rooms are in a worse state than ever but we don't fight over it and I don't see it.

They're generally young men to be proud of, I decided this wasn't something to cause anyone stress.

ENoeuf · 11/02/2022 16:17

No, I tried that and it became a disgusting health hazard and all our crockery vanished. Now even the adult I can’t get rid of is told and if it isn’t done I go in and clear rubbish and reclaim my stuff etc despite cries of privacy (obviously when they are out or up and dresssed) because I refuse to allow the house I pay for to be treated like shit.

Ionlydomassiveones · 11/02/2022 16:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Parky04 · 11/02/2022 16:22

They were never allowed to eat upstairs. Didn't mind clothes on the floor.

GeneLovesJezebel · 11/02/2022 16:22

It’s my house and I wanted it clean, so I went in and dumped everything off the floor on the bed. Then I cleaned, and left it there.
I refused to let it get grubby.
They have now moved out and live in their own dirty houses 🤣

Kite22 · 11/02/2022 16:29

Yes, I did.
It is their room.
I don't have to live in it.
They all went through it - once I stopped stressing about it, it save me a lot of stress.
All 3 came out the other side and are normal, tidy adults now.
It is just a phase and not worth battling over.

MsPavlichenko · 11/02/2022 16:35

It was a battle I avoided. She didn’t usually have left over food etc but was messy. Also lot of art related stuff and make up. Just left her to it after 13 or so. Her choice, her mess to take friends to if she chose. By the time she went to uni (just 18) was much better.

Home again to save now (24) and tidier than me. Been a huge help getting me to declutter! Glad I didn’t stress.

TheFairyCaravan · 11/02/2022 16:35

No. It might be their rooms but it’s our house and we don’t want it treated like a pig sty. We didn’t have arguments about it, they just did it.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 11/02/2022 16:41

I have just closed the door on my DS room since he was about 15. The only rule is he has to bring dirty dishes back downstairs, which he now does. He has been doing his own laundry since he was about 14 so I have no need to go into his room. His room gets into a right state with clutter and it gets pretty dusty. He has a girlfriend who stays over so that helps him keep it in shape now.

HelloMissus · 11/02/2022 16:43

I just closed their doors.
No one needs to argue over teen mess.

CrinklyCraggy · 11/02/2022 16:45

@TheFairyCaravan

No. It might be their rooms but it’s our house and we don’t want it treated like a pig sty. We didn’t have arguments about it, they just did it.
Well then you never had the problem Grin
bigbluebus · 11/02/2022 16:47

Still doing it and he's 25 and back at home after finishing his Masters. I could ignore the bedroom but I'd still be nagging over his bathroom as it was only refurbished 3 years ago and I don't intend doing it again any time soon.

pinkhousesarebest · 11/02/2022 16:53

I was that teen with a ocd dm who made us keep our room spotless. Once I left home, I lived in a midden for many, many years. Until I got my own home.
So no, can’t be bothered. I just close the door and the last dc is soon off to Uni anyway. Life’s too short.

Purplewithred · 11/02/2022 16:56

I stopped nagging. Drew the line at dirty plates etc but otherwise their choice. Dd 31 is still pretty messy, dd28 is tidy and homeley.

merryhouse · 11/02/2022 17:08

I never really asked them in the first place. Occasionally I'd say can you make sure there's nothing on the floor because I intend to hoover; and a couple of times I would actively go and ask if there was anything for the dishwasher (normally just a chocolate mug).

There's still stuff scattered around the room now because noone bothered to clear up after Christmas before S2 left Grin but they've always been pretty good about putting clothes in the washbox and not leaving apple cores around.

Kite22 · 11/02/2022 17:12

Exactly @CrinklyCraggy

Home again to save now (24) and tidier than me. Been a huge help getting me to declutter! Glad I didn’t stress.

This is 2 of my dc, too.

Original poster
stirling · 11/02/2022 17:29

So glad I posted this. Feeling calmer reading your experiences.

Thank you everyone for sharing

OP posts:
Original poster
stirling · 11/02/2022 17:32

@pinkhousesarebest

I was that teen with a ocd dm who made us keep our room spotless. Once I left home, I lived in a midden for many, many years. Until I got my own home. So no, can’t be bothered. I just close the door and the last dc is soon off to Uni anyway. Life’s too short.
Really helpful to hear this
OP posts:
lechatnoir · 11/02/2022 17:38

We have a no food upstairs rule & boys who don't wear makeup so I now shut the door on their bedrooms and it's one less thing to get stressed about. They do know I only do washing that's put in the basket so can't complain when they run out of pants and clean clothes are left on the spare bed in piles for them to put away.

Occasionally I might ask them to get everything off the floor if they want it hoovering & they usually do but it's an argument I'm not willing to have particularly with my stroppy 15-year-old who can make an argument out of nothing Hmm

DramaAlpaca · 11/02/2022 17:40

I was a 'pick your battles' sort of parent, and clean, tidy bedrooms wasn't a hill I was prepared to die on. I just shut the doors and ignored the mess. I did have a rule that they brought all mugs, plates, glasses down every day, and clothes weren't washed unless they were put in the laundry basket. They all actually chose to change their bedlinen reasonably regularly and would occasionally hoover their rooms of their own volition. If they wanted to live in a mess that was up to them. As each of them has moved out I've gone in and cleaned thoroughly. Just one left to be pushed out of the nest now!

iloverock · 11/02/2022 17:41

I've never had this argument with any of mine. They are all clean freaks who keep everything spotless and hoover if there is a spec of dust.

I really have no idea where they get it from but I'm not complaining.

Ohyesiam · 11/02/2022 17:42

A close friend of mine did all the cleaning for her kids ( she came from a very troubled home where she kept house from about the age of 8 , and didn’t want her kids to feel responsible for house work), an Dd her 3 adult children now live in immaculate houses. So it can work if you don’t train them up.

lucythejuicy · 11/02/2022 17:44

I've given up and close the door

Itsnotdeep · 11/02/2022 17:47

yes, closed the door. every so often asked for towels and crockery down. But it was up to them to clean/change beds/do their washing.

it was fine. Not how I like to live, but no one died. Eldest dcs are away at university now and are normal people.

(I still hound my 13 year old and we (him and I) clean his room but I'll give up in a year or 2).

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