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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DD19 and her inheritance money. Are we out of order in trying to prevent her having access to all of it?

43 replies

Trampauline · 29/10/2021 13:48

Need some advice. DD is going to be 20 in November. When she was 12 she inherited a good sum of money from a relative (£8.5k). She has had no interest in this money until now. Half is in an investment ISA in her name, and half is in a savings account in my name. I have said I can move the cash half into her own savings account.
She is not interested in going to uni despite being very bright. She went to the other end of the country in July to volunteer. There she met a French guy who is 36. He is her very first boyfriend. Now they have plans to find a nice town to live in and rent a flat and find work. He has skills and experience from his previous career and thinks he can find this work, which he can do on his laptop at home. DD has no skills or experience and would look for waitressing work, she thinks.

We are not happy with this age gap, and she knows that, but we have not hit the roof about it as we don't want to drive her away from us. She has had some serious mental health problems in the last two years (think breakdown around the start of lockdown). We've explained how concerned we are about this plan to rent a flat and then find work as she could get right through her inheritance if she can't find work. Also we don't know his intentions, etc. She is now angry as she thinks I am trying to stop her having access to her money. I think if she was older and wiser she would be circumspect about telling a new boyfriend how much she had in the bank. Unfortunately he knows she has this money. I would just like her not to touch the investment ISA. She is demanding details of it.
I don't want to risk doing irreparable damage to our relationship. Would you just give her full control of this sum and let her make her own mistakes, however big?

OP posts:
ulez · 29/10/2021 13:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gazelda · 29/10/2021 13:55

You can't keep her own money from her! She may make bad choices, but that's her right.
I fully understand where you're coming from, but I don't think you should do this. Both from a moral stance, as well as the possibility it'll create a huge problem in your relationship with her.

notacooldad · 29/10/2021 13:59

You cant withhold the money although I would be concerned as you are.
The age gap isnt the issue for me. We have loads in my family and through the generations as well.
I think you have no choice but to give it up unfortunately.

Viviennemary · 29/10/2021 13:59

Its not a fortune in the grand scheme of things and it won't last long if it has to support two out of work people. Point this out to her. .But I wouldn't approve of the relationship either. Once ithe money is gone make it clear there won't be any more money coming from you. As regards witholding the money. I suppose she can do what she likes with the investment ISA legally speaking as its in her name. I would stall handing over the cash which is in your name as long as I could.

Mischance · 29/10/2021 14:01

She's an adult - it is her money - there is nothing you can do.

Iamanicepersonreally · 29/10/2021 14:02

I doubt if you have a legal right to withold it

Soontobe60 · 29/10/2021 14:06

I’d be sitting down with the two of them, make it very clear that you wouldn’t expect a man almost twice her age to be living off her inheritance, then reluctantly hand her the money - after all, it is hers.

Kite22 · 29/10/2021 14:08

No, you are being very wise.
I too would be very uncomfortable about a 36 year old man getting into a relationship with a rather vulnerable young woman. Morally you are doing the right thing without a doubt.

bloodywhitecat · 29/10/2021 14:09

I am sorry OP but you can't withhold the money, it is rightfully hers to do as she sees fit with.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/10/2021 14:11

It's not your money, though. If she inherited it then frankly you shouldn't have even put it in an account in your name that she couldn't access.

And you are now having doubts about handing it over? That's not legal. You don't get to make decisions for another adult about when and how they are allowed to have their own money, unfortunately.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/10/2021 14:11

It's her money and she has to learn. Let her have it and let her learn.

PinkMoon22 · 29/10/2021 14:12

She's 20, an adult entitled to her money (the half shouldn't be in your name)
If she blows it she's blows it.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2021 14:18

You can't keep this money from her. It is almost certainly going to end in disaster, but you still have to let her get on with it.

BornIn78 · 29/10/2021 14:24

It’s her money, she is an adult, you cannot withhold it, and it will be a relatively cheap lesson to learn for her if she burns through it supporting herself and a scrounger.

Deposit, rent, furnishing a flat and supporting two non-working adults, it won’t even last 6 months.

Just make it very clear that there will be no financial support from you when the money is gone.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/10/2021 14:30

Well, my sister met a similar bloke at a similar age. What a controlling moocher he feckin was. Can't see that you can stop her though.

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 29/10/2021 14:34

I was in a similar situation at that age. I was not happy with my adoptive family putting their foot down about the age gap, but now I absolutely think they did the right thing. It didn't destroy our relationship at all.

The money dilemma was different though, as although I had inherited some, I had three jobs to keep myself afloat through university. She needs to know it doesn't come easily.

lorca · 29/10/2021 14:35

It's not your money. If you keep it from her, you are stealing it. Regardless of your motivation or excuses.

She's an adult.

AlternativePerspective · 29/10/2021 14:38

personally I think it’s a really bad idea to let such young people have access to so much money when they’re at an age where they’re just not responsible.

Wanting to shack up with a 36 year old unemployed bloke is fairly clear evidence that she isn’t responsible yet, as I say to my own DS, just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you’re a grownup. Grin

But if there are no stipulations on when she can have the money then I would give it to her, on the very clear understanding that once it’s gone it’s gone. I give it 3 months.

From my own perspective,my will states that any inheritance will be held in trust until DS is 25.

erinaceus · 29/10/2021 14:54

I agree with others -you can't withhold her money. However it might be worth having a conversation about budgets (surreptitiously checking whether her boyfriend has any plans to contribute half of the living costs) and pointing out how long the money may or may not last.

Can you suggest that you and your husband meet the boyfriend with your daughter e.g. for dinner? This is really not an unreasonable idea if they plan to move in together, age gap or no.

CloudPop · 29/10/2021 15:01

@lorca

It's not your money. If you keep it from her, you are stealing it. Regardless of your motivation or excuses.

She's an adult.

She isn't stealing it ! She's not saying she'll withhold it indefinitely
Bluebellbike · 29/10/2021 15:40

My DS is 25. His partner is 38. Partner is a good for nothing layabout who can't hold a job down. My DS had over 20k saved up from his work when he met partner. DS still lived with me then. Once his partner found out about his savings he persuaded DS to buy a house for them both to live in. They couldnt get a joint mortgage due to his partner having a rubbish credit score so DS bought the house himself.I contributed to the deposit on the stipulation that his solicitor was one I had used who I knew would ensure the partner could have no future claim on the house. Ten months after they moved in DS's partner was in prison. When updating my will I had a Trust created which means that my DS's share of my estate will be controlled by his sister, so that the partner can't get anything should DS stick with him after his release from prison. I can't fully prevent his partner fleecing him but I have done as much as I can to help.

whatsnext2 · 29/10/2021 16:06

Legally you can’t withhold her money.

Another alternative is to put money in account in her name with you or someone else mutually agreeable and sensible as 3rd party signatory.

ParmigianoReggiano · 29/10/2021 16:28

Where is she living at the moment and how is she paying for that?

Tal45 · 29/10/2021 16:44

Suggest she stays where she is until they have decided where they are going to go, both found work there and have found a flat they can afford. Tell her you will support her in this anyway you can but it's really important that these things are in place otherwise it could all fall apart very quickly. If she won't listen then unfortunately you will have to give her the money and let her learn the hard way.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 29/10/2021 16:50

My kids have sizeable inheritances, 6 figures each. My eldest knows the amount as he is over 18 and needed to know but I’ve told him it’s for education or a house deposit and also told him that although he is entitled to it I would prefer to hold on to it and give him some if he is wants some as it’s better to invest and grow it. Would rhat work? It’s tricky because your daughter doesn’t have a fortune so it’s not life changing money but it’s a real shame to fritter it away