Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DD19 and her inheritance money. Are we out of order in trying to prevent her having access to all of it?

43 replies

Trampauline · 29/10/2021 13:48

Need some advice. DD is going to be 20 in November. When she was 12 she inherited a good sum of money from a relative (£8.5k). She has had no interest in this money until now. Half is in an investment ISA in her name, and half is in a savings account in my name. I have said I can move the cash half into her own savings account.
She is not interested in going to uni despite being very bright. She went to the other end of the country in July to volunteer. There she met a French guy who is 36. He is her very first boyfriend. Now they have plans to find a nice town to live in and rent a flat and find work. He has skills and experience from his previous career and thinks he can find this work, which he can do on his laptop at home. DD has no skills or experience and would look for waitressing work, she thinks.

We are not happy with this age gap, and she knows that, but we have not hit the roof about it as we don't want to drive her away from us. She has had some serious mental health problems in the last two years (think breakdown around the start of lockdown). We've explained how concerned we are about this plan to rent a flat and then find work as she could get right through her inheritance if she can't find work. Also we don't know his intentions, etc. She is now angry as she thinks I am trying to stop her having access to her money. I think if she was older and wiser she would be circumspect about telling a new boyfriend how much she had in the bank. Unfortunately he knows she has this money. I would just like her not to touch the investment ISA. She is demanding details of it.
I don't want to risk doing irreparable damage to our relationship. Would you just give her full control of this sum and let her make her own mistakes, however big?

OP posts:

2bazookas · 29/10/2021 17:21

I would explain to the BF that you control the money on behalf of your daughter; she can't access the ISA because she doesn't know details of the account, and you are not going to release the money held in your name until she is older.

This may rapidly cool his ardour

HollowTalk · 29/10/2021 19:29

But it can be life changing money for a young woman with no real qualifications. That's why she needs to keep it for her future not for her boyfriend's present.

Medicaltextbook · 29/10/2021 19:39

Foolish or not this is your DDs money. There is nothing to suggest that she lacks mental capacity.
You can make clear that you won’t bail her out if she spends it all quickly - that is your money.

ShoesEverywhere · 29/10/2021 19:56

I inherited 10k CAD (just over £5k) when I was seventeen and wasted it all.

Best experience of my life. Absolutely life changing.

It made me super fugal once I saw how quickly money fritteres away, and I was able to save for my own house and buy it with two kids at 26.

I think you should let her (and I mean legally you can't stop her) spend it as she wishes and learn for herself the lessons she needs to learn now she's an adult.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 29/10/2021 20:01

I can’t believe the amount of posts about this topic recently where people think it’s ok, or try to justify holding onto money that 100% isn’t theirs.

harridan50 · 29/10/2021 20:08

She is almost 20 and presumably should have had access to this at 18
She is an adult and you need to let her be one
Tough I know i have daughters myself

Original poster

Trampauline · 29/10/2021 20:23

I know we can't legally stop her from accessing it, and ultimately I am not willing to try that. I had a chat with her this afternoon. Explained how this is likely to pan out even if the boyfriend turns out to be decent, and how lucky she is to have that money behind her at her age. I just would like her to understand that perhaps it's best if she doesn't have easy access to all of it, because we don't know if boyfriend is decent, for one thing. Just as you might ask your partner to hide the chocolate so you can't eat any more! She is not really getting it though, unfortunately. Seems to think we should support her regardless and even give her money ourselves if it turns out she is running through her inheritance!

OP posts:

Original poster

Trampauline · 29/10/2021 20:27

@AlternativePerspective

personally I think it’s a really bad idea to let such young people have access to so much money when they’re at an age where they’re just not responsible.

Wanting to shack up with a 36 year old unemployed bloke is fairly clear evidence that she isn’t responsible yet, as I say to my own DS, just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you’re a grownup.

But if there are no stipulations on when she can have the money then I would give it to her, on the very clear understanding that once it’s gone it’s gone. I give it 3 months.

From my own perspective,my will states that any inheritance will be held in trust until DS is 25.

I just checked my relative's will and it says not to be given to her before the age of 18. I so wish my aunt had put age 21 or even 25, then we wouldn't be having this. She is just so young

OP posts:

felledoak · 29/10/2021 20:28

You need to hand it over. You've given her a warning but ultimately she is an adult and entitled to make her own decisions/mistakes.
It's too controlling to prevent her and I think you risk destroying your relationship.

Original poster

Trampauline · 29/10/2021 20:30

@ShoesEverywhere

I inherited 10k CAD (just over £5k) when I was seventeen and wasted it all.

Best experience of my life. Absolutely life changing.

It made me super fugal once I saw how quickly money fritteres away, and I was able to save for my own house and buy it with two kids at 26.

I think you should let her (and I mean legally you can't stop her) spend it as she wishes and learn for herself the lessons she needs to learn now she's an adult.

This is heartening to know, Shoes. Just seems a very big lesson to learn and she has been in a vulnerable state just recently.

OP posts:

tigerbear · 29/10/2021 20:31

Aside from the older man thing, unfortunately you should let her have the money to do as she wants with.
At that age, my mum allowed me access to all of the savings she’d carefully put aside for me (around £3k, 25 years ago), and I view it all on designer clothes, eating out, and taxis.
My mum never said a thing.
Looking back, it was reckless of me, but I had fun at the time.

tigerbear · 29/10/2021 20:32

*Blew it all

Original poster

Trampauline · 29/10/2021 20:48

@tigerbear

Aside from the older man thing, unfortunately you should let her have the money to do as she wants with. At that age, my mum allowed me access to all of the savings she’d carefully put aside for me (around £3k, 25 years ago), and I view it all on designer clothes, eating out, and taxis. My mum never said a thing. Looking back, it was reckless of me, but I had fun at the time.

I do remember inheriting about £1000 in the 80s when my grandad died, so did my sisters. Would have been worth a lot at that time. I went through it quite quickly I remember, went on holiday for one thing. My parents didn't try to hold it back and never asked later if we still had it or what we had spent it on. Looks like we will just have to let her get on with doing whatever she will do with it, and make it clear that we are not going to give her more money when that runs out.

OP posts:

ParmigianoReggiano · 29/10/2021 20:54

Yes yes to making it completely clear that if she wastes it you won't be giving her more money.

erinaceus · 30/10/2021 00:41

Do you think you would be this concerned about her frittering the money away if she wasn't in a relationship with a 36 year old? I would be more concerned about that than the money, and I'm not sure you can control the relationship via the money (largely because you can't withhold the money).

Anordinarymum · 30/10/2021 01:47

Let her have the money if it is hers. She will spend it and enjoy it. You can advise her and then leave her to it.
My daughter spent her money and regrets it now but she enjoyed it while it lasted. (handbags, holidays etc) These days she appreciates money more.

TrollsAreSaddos · 30/10/2021 02:21

It's better she loose the money than you loose your relationship with your daughter. I'd give advice but be supportive. Hopefully it will work out ok.

timeisnotaline · 30/10/2021 03:01

Seems to think we should support her regardless and even give her money ourselves if it turns out she is running through her inheritance!
You have to be crystal clear that you think giving someone who has just wasted through £10k more money is the opposite of good parenting and you will absolutely not be giving her a penny.

Flip

1 2