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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Empty nest /Uni students

34 replies

Monica53 · 19/09/2021 12:19

Hi
Our only child Dd has headed back to Uni 4+hrs away from home and this time she’s taken herself, already the house is so quiet, yes I’ve got time to clear abs reorganise though I’m missing her already. My husband said think of it as a long holiday 😢. We’ve had a great summer , she’s worked all summer and we’ve had some
Lovely time together. I just feel so sad that she’s away again. 😢

OP posts:
Blueberry40 · 19/09/2021 12:23

I really feel for you! I was bereft when my eldest DS went to uni and still feel really sad when he leaves (he’s in his final year now!). I can recommend taking time to think and plan all the things you can do together when you see them next and taking comfort in that. It’s really hard though OP, I sympathise Flowers

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 19/09/2021 12:25

I feel for you and it never gets easier.

Only have one left at Uni and she has just gone back-house so empty. She is such good company and I feel a bit flat.

Lockdown gave us a surreal window to all just live at home and I know that will never happen again.

DS finished Uni during lockdown and has just gotten a great job and moved 5 hours away. I can't quite grasp that he is actually gone!! Sad

Of course no comfort at all eldest DS is still at home and WFH. I fear he will never go...

Jewel52 · 20/09/2021 09:27

It’s just good to know i’m Not the only one who feels flat. Many of my friends focus on the less washing, cooking thing but I seem to be unable to stop worrying every minute about how he’s coping, if he’s lonely etc. Suppose it’ll get better with time

Shav73 · 20/09/2021 11:50

Every single mum I know of the same age kids is really struggling at the moment. I took my youngest, ds to Uni on Saturday. It's been awful, I just feel so lost and empty. And I have a full life, work, nice house, hobbies, a lovely partner, but am missing him and our routine greatly. I'm self employed as so structured my diary around being there for the dc. We're so close and became closer over lockdown, I miss the chats, the 'i love you's the 'are you okays' 'do you want company' 'drive thru?' etc. the hugs and kisses. My older dd's (one uni and one working) left a few years ago, sad at the time, I remember the tears, but they come back and forth for visits and I make sure we make the most of every moment. We're still close despite not living together. But this feels different and I hope it passes soon. It's really made me think of the bigger picture of life and growing old. I hate being miserable and crying all the time. I need this to pass so that I don't cry when he calls or next visits! I've gotta get a grip!

Jammylodger · 20/09/2021 11:58

this is my thread .. am having a bit of an existential crisis about my life now the kids have left .. only day 1 so I know it will improve but I just don't get how anything can be better than the fun and joy of raising them was - I know we will still see them and they are not gone permanently from our lives but I still feel it is a loss and I am grieving for what I will always see as the best time of my life .. all the hobbies, travel, freedom is great but nothing will match the joy I got from having them around ..

really need to stop over thinking this!

Shav73 · 20/09/2021 12:13

Overthinking is all I'm doing at the moment! Raising the kids has been the best thing that ever happened to me, even the teenage years, I loved it. And with the drama of a divorce, my kids taught me how to live again, love again and enjoy every moment. As much as I've taught them, I learnt so much from them too.

And they've all gone off to Uni, one to a finance career, I couldn't be prouder, but life will never be the same for me. I do look forward to the travel, more of my hobby, gym etc. but I'd trade it all to have them under one roof again. Roll on grandkids, I'll babysit! Grin

Jewel52 · 20/09/2021 12:57

I echo every word from the last couple of posts. Can’t add anything as you’ve expressed my thoughts perfectly. And what a relief not to hear “he’ll be back at Christmas” - obviously I know but it’s not helping 🙄!

Shav73 · 20/09/2021 14:01

Yes, and if I hear one more useless 'ooh i bet it's quiet in the house...' I think I may lash out!!! Grin

Jewel52 · 20/09/2021 16:58

😂🤦‍♀️!

crimsonlake · 20/09/2021 18:42

I understand how you all feel. Both mine went off to uni the same year and as a single mum I was an emotional mess. They have both gone in to the world of work and for me this was the beginning of the real move away from home. No longer any prolonged periods at home again as obviously they do not have long holidays anymore.
My eldest now works in Spain and was recently home between jobs. I dropped him off at the airport yesterday and found myself sobbing as we said farewell, reminded me of the first time I dropped him off at uni.
I still feel down today, the quietness echoes around the house. What I would give to turn back the clocks and have them both back at home and tucking them up in bed knowing that they were safe for the night.
They are making their way in the world and it is as it should be, but I do get frequent periods of feeling very nostalgic for their childhoods.

Shav73 · 20/09/2021 20:58

Seems to be a really tough time for mums. Thanks for sharing, knowing I'm not alone or unusual in this, helps a little.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/09/2021 21:13

I’m the same way. Only one DC17 of four left at home and soon they will be off to uni as well. I am constantly looking at holiday photos from five to ten years ago when I had all or most of them still at home and feeling like it was yesterday! And where did the time go? It’s a tougher transition than I expected.

AbsolutelySure · 20/09/2021 21:18

I've one started Uni last week and one still home. The one at Uni texts each day but perhaps only once and I wish we could talk more often. I know she's really busy and I don't want her to be frustrated with me or feel like she has to message back. Such a fine line that I'm trying to learn.

Jewel52 · 20/09/2021 21:25

Definitely tough 😑

Innovationstandard · 20/09/2021 21:30

I've got twins and they both went back this weekend, it's just horrible. I feel so much for you all. I know it's absolutely the best thing but omg, where did all those years go? Even all the things I hated doing come rushing back in now,
I have a lovely life but it feels like my main purpose is over now 😓

Jewel52 · 20/09/2021 21:41

That’s what frustrates me most, knowing that it was often so busy keeping on top of the domestic stuff and family meals for 3 kids that I didn’t appreciate how fun it was with their constant noise!

Bagelsandbrie · 20/09/2021 22:04

@Shav73

Overthinking is all I'm doing at the moment! Raising the kids has been the best thing that ever happened to me, even the teenage years, I loved it. And with the drama of a divorce, my kids taught me how to live again, love again and enjoy every moment. As much as I've taught them, I learnt so much from them too.

And they've all gone off to Uni, one to a finance career, I couldn't be prouder, but life will never be the same for me. I do look forward to the travel, more of my hobby, gym etc. but I'd trade it all to have them under one roof again. Roll on grandkids, I'll babysit! Grin

I feel exactly like this.

I dropped my dd off at university yesterday. She is my eldest and this is the first time she’s lived away from home. I still have Ds aged 9 at home but he has severe autism and learning disabilities and dd was my companion and friend as well as my dd. It’s really hard adjusting. Roll on Christmas…!

Shav73 · 21/09/2021 09:26

It's really hard, in reality harder than I had imagined. Of course I'd never show my kids how I feel inside. I want them to be as happy as they are, do what they're doing and not worry about me. Outwardly I'm trying to be my normal self. My partner just doesn't get it. Yesterday when we were talking about ds he said 'he's fine, he's enjoying, everything's alright. You can stop worrying now, you don't need to be sad...' Whilst I appreciate him trying to cheer me up, he doesn't understand that alot of it is sadness for me. A loss of purpose for me. I worry that I won't like this new life. That it's not enough. And I've always raced through life with determination, purpose and excitement. Now it feels like I don't know what I'm doing or why. Confused

Jewel52 · 21/09/2021 09:43

The level of sadness has been unexpected for me too. Genuinely thought I was ready for him to go and start his own adventure. But it’s hard that as everything is opening up for him, I feel that so many things are ending for me. And, as you say, trying to hide that from him isn’t easy, have to stop myself over communicating with texts and WhatsApp. I have my first day back at work tomorrow since taking him to uni and hoping I can focus as I’ve been a tearful zombie for the last couple of days 😩

Shav73 · 21/09/2021 10:19

Hiding the negativity and sadness is so important, as I want the dc to still be close with me, to still come home, to still visit/stay. To still want to be a part of my life and have me in theirs, and do those things because they want to, because we have fun together, not out of obligation or duty. It would be letting them down to show how I feel at this exact moment.

I hope it will pass. Work will be a welcome distraction. And some kind of new routine. Will go back to the gym, it will fill the evenings a bit.

Jewel52 · 21/09/2021 10:42

You’re right of course, am trying to keep my normal front going with work, arranging things with friends etc. I’m usually a “pull yourself together” type so my friends would be shocked by how low I am.

Definitely agree on the staying positive for their sake, completely selfish to do anything else.
😊

Shav73 · 21/09/2021 14:42

Sounds just like me. Being able to share here is really helpful. My ds called just now a bit teary and anxious and I managed to hold it together, just! Don't need both of us crying!

Jewel52 · 21/09/2021 16:05

This is all the fallout from encouraging your kids to do well at school. Wish now that I’d never bothered about homework 🙄!

Shav73 · 21/09/2021 16:27

I know, slacking off is totally underrated! I highly recommend it now if you don't want your kids to ever ever leave home! I jest, of course I'd never want that. Having children that your so proud of is amazing. It's just so bittersweet isn't it.

Jng1 · 21/09/2021 16:40

Oh, this is how I am feeling too! Youngest DS gone off to uni for first time and DS1 back into 3rd year. DS2 has a slight learning disablility and has needed me more than DS1, especially during the teenage years, so I should be glad and proud that he's making his own way in the big wide world, but I do worry a bit more about him.

Also we've been spoilt by having them both around for the last 18months - we've been a loud, busy family temporarily again.
DH and I are rattling around in the house together now, and even that is raising some issues which I suspect we will have to confront at some point!