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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Anyone else financially struggling with DC home from uni

36 replies

Pret50 · 14/08/2021 08:32

Just that really,DC x1 course finished in early may due to covid and they have been home since then. Food bills etc have rocketed

OP posts:
CheeseyMcCheeseface · 14/08/2021 08:34

They are adults they need to pay for themselves.

Bagelsandbrie · 14/08/2021 08:40

Are they working? They should be trying to get work and paying towards food etc.

Original poster
Pret50 · 14/08/2021 08:53

Yes, working since June when things opened up a bit more. I have asked for a contribution towards food etc but this just caused a huge argument where I was made to feel like the bad guy. I know I need to toughen up but doesn't help when my ex husband does not support my stance and friends who think I am mean asking for keep.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 14/08/2021 08:58

You need to list their share of out going bills including council tax, TV licence, etc and show what they should be paying you. Then show them what you’d actually like them to pay.
If they don’t like it they’re free to get their own place and pay for that.

NewYearNewTwatName · 14/08/2021 08:59

well maybe DC should be going to live at exh house, if he has money to sloshing around.

NewYearNewTwatName · 14/08/2021 09:01

or he pay for his adult DC living expenses whilst living with you.

Original poster
Pret50 · 14/08/2021 09:02

Thanks for the advice. Agree I need to firmer. Anyone have any suggestions as to the "going rate" for keep? Their job is nmw so not massively lucrative but given the amount of on line deliveries they get its more than I think!

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/08/2021 09:02

It’s difficult as they are used to doing what they want, when they want .. tricky to fit back into family life for them and us.

PermanentTemporary · 14/08/2021 09:05

I would expect an adult student to be able to feed themselves on £20 a week. Bills etc would add more. Maybe start with £40 a week to include food? I assume you don't pay for their phone? Do they at least pull their weight chores wise?

CornishTiger · 14/08/2021 09:08

I’d expect them to pay for the increase in bills. The loss of any council tax reduction if a single occupant.

Maybe sit down and look at both budgets.

Original poster
Pret50 · 14/08/2021 09:08

Definitely don't pay for phone or Netflix etc ,that I have knocked on the head!! Chores hmmm, their bedroom is a tip, have to be nagged to help with anything

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 14/08/2021 09:11

Maybe a generalist down and talk about the situation. There's a risk if you just fix a rate that they will start treating you like a landlord?? Maybe ask them what they think is a reasonable contribution and why.

PermanentTemporary · 14/08/2021 09:11

General sit down, not generalist down!

CheeseyMcCheeseface · 14/08/2021 09:13

Teaching them to be financially independent is a very important life skill, it sounds like they need a dose of reality, you need to let them know how much they are costing you.

I’m all for helping when possible but you shouldn’t be struggling.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 14/08/2021 09:13

can you persuade them to go veggie? Wink

lentils rather than quorn. look into cheaper meals and dont be persuaded to by high branded food

i had both dd at home last summer, we did manage, but it was tough but since they are both veggie could be slightly cheaper.
just go down a brand and look into cheaper meals, no frills. i am sure if they want it they can buy it themselves.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/08/2021 09:20

If their Dad thinks you shouldn't charge then he should still be paying child support for a dependent!!!
Go cheap on the food for a while...eggs , mince...no fancy snacks..cheap cereals etc
If they have any food demands let them look after that themselves. Could you suggest they cook some days and buy the food for those days so they wouldn't look on it as paying keep. Or a takeaway once a week on them?
I wouldn't get into arguing over money at this stage as they will soon be going back and it's difficult for you if you end on a bad note when you are on your own dealing with it.

Original poster
Pret50 · 14/08/2021 11:29

Thanks all for your comments. I have an older child with which this was never an issue so this is new territory. Shopping and food wise I very much have a "take it or leave" attitude and do not pander to special, usually expensive requests. Thanks to the poster who mentioned about about note ending on a bad note. Completely agree but I want manage expectations going forward

OP posts:
safariboot · 14/08/2021 11:34

They should be paying their share of the bills in proportion to their income.

lljkk · 14/08/2021 11:39

How much have your bills increased, OP?

Thinking creatively, does the Uni age kid have a room you could rent out to Lodger or students when they aren't home?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/08/2021 11:58

How badly do you need the money OP? If you’re skint then yes i’d charge but otherwise I wouldn’t charge my uni aged kids who are home for the hols.

Kite22 · 14/08/2021 12:08

It is a bit of a difficult one as of course many of his peers won't be being charged for their 'keep'.
We are fortunate enough that we have been able to feed ours during their holiday periods and they have kept their earnings for themselves, and that is what many families are able to do.
However, due to hard economic facts, if that isn't what you can afford, then he needs to know that, and have it pointed out that if he were living anywhere else, he would have very expensive rent to pay on top of food money.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 14/08/2021 12:17

i was forever shopping for bread!

Original poster
Pret50 · 14/08/2021 12:48

Unable to rent a room as I live in a 2 bed property, did consider air BnB but I have a full time job already and support older parents who are not local. Not completely skint and support DC at uni by paying their accommodation and have tax and insured a car to enable them to travel for work. Appreciate everyone's views and opinions. For the poster who mentioned always buying bread ,my biggest purchase seems to be loo roll 😁

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 14/08/2021 12:52

@Pret50

Thanks all for your comments. I have an older child with which this was never an issue so this is new territory. Shopping and food wise I very much have a "take it or leave" attitude and do not pander to special, usually expensive requests. Thanks to the poster who mentioned about about note ending on a bad note. Completely agree but I want manage expectations going forward
To be honest, I didn’t take any money from my DDs in the summer holidays whilst they were at Uni but then they didn’t spend much time here! Do you give them money during term time? I’d sit them down and tell them that you do not have any spare money, and that whist you’re able to provide the basics food wise, if they want anything more they will have to contribute. Show them how much you’re spending on food. Point out that you no longer get child allowance as they’re over 18. Then make very basic meals / buy basic food and don’t buy any extras.
Soontobe60 · 14/08/2021 12:53

@Pret50

Unable to rent a room as I live in a 2 bed property, did consider air BnB but I have a full time job already and support older parents who are not local. Not completely skint and support DC at uni by paying their accommodation and have tax and insured a car to enable them to travel for work. Appreciate everyone's views and opinions. For the poster who mentioned always buying bread ,my biggest purchase seems to be loo roll 😁
Ok, so point out that you will not be paying their accommodation next term, nor will you be financing their car. Now they’re taking the piss.