My unmotivated 21 year old Graduate son

[Travelledtheworld]

He finished uni in June with First Class hons from a Russell Group university. He studied hard for that but he has always been focused and academic.He has had a tough two years with Covid lockdown and alone in a shabby rented house a lot of the time. Home with us last summer when he had a supermarket job, and home with us over the winter lockdown.

Since he came home in June he has done absolutely nothing and has regressed to teenage behaviour. Sleeps in late, lots of gaming and chats online to his friends but he rarely leaves the house. He won't speak to us. He seems totally unmotivated to do anything. We have asked him to find any sort of job to tide him over until he can apply for next years round of graduate training, but has done nothing about this. We have asked him to do some volunteer work but he makes no attempt to look for anything.. He has spoken to University careers people but not followed through on their advice. He has had it suggested he should do a Masters and with a First I think he should get some funding for this, but he doesn't seem to have done anything about looking for courses

We don't give him any money but he is living here and eating our food. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs.

I think he is just immature and confused and doesn't know how to take the next big step in his life. He has an older sister who has a good professional job and she has given him lots of advice and helped him with his CV and she can't get to the bottom of his attitude either.

Husband is getting very impatient with him and I can see a huge bust up brewing. I don't want to see DS storming off and never speaking to us again. I try to be patient and objective, give advice but not to nag. I suppose the next step is to ask him to leave and let him fend for himself but I don't want to force him out if he has some deep underlying problems that he isn't able to speak to us about.

Any thoughts, anyone ?

Maybe encourage him to go off travelling check out helpx website for example or woofing , he can go off and have some different experiences which may help him kickstart his next move.

Sorry, I'm no help, but I sympathise as I'm in a very similar position, and struggling to bite my tongue so would be interested in any advice too.

What about giving him notice of the current situation (1 month, 2 months, whatever you feel is fair) with the expectation that when Yemenis up he either moves on, makes a concrete plan to study, or starts paying rent.

It's really easy to fall into a lazy lifestyle when someone is prepared to enable it (I'm not saying that in a blaming way), much harder when your only choice is to stand on your own two feet.

Yemenis = time is

I realize Covid has made the job search more difficult, but it’s rough live time. He needs to get a job and start paying rent. It’s not about the money, it’s about being a responsible adult. (You are free to quietly save this money for him for when he is ready to move out)

@LanisHouseLot yes. Think a clear deadline would be helpful.
DH wants to see evidence of what jobs he has applied for by the end of the week but DH refuses to speak to him.

@tenredthings thanks I will have a look at that website. He is supposed to be going abroad but waiting for a visa and some sort of resolution of Covid.
. We all agree he should be earning some extra money to fund this trip.

@Inthesameboat2 perhaps we should encourage them to get together ? Do message me if you want a chat.

When I was in uni (mature student) I worked hard for a 1st and sacrificed everything to get it - including my family, friends, social life and other interests. I was utterly burned out. Although I wanted to begin a masters I did not really put enough thought into a research proposal so I was not successful that year in getting funding. I signed on for a self funded part time degree at my uni but more or less drifted for several months.

Eventually I took a p/t job teaching word processing in a local college and became fascinated with how people interact with computers. Although I did little actual work on my masters that first year I was able to gather some excellent data and to come back with a well put together research proposal. This won me the funding from the uni to complete my masters and begin my doctorate. Eventually I won state funding and actually completed my doctorate within the funding period.

Your DS sounds to me like he is burned out as I was. He has had a break and now needs something or someone to motivate him. I know the feeling. However I was alone living on a tough council estate and had rent to pay. Your DS has you for a fail safe so now its time for some tough love.

Other posters have suggested you set a time limit for him to doss at home (because thats what he is currently doing) and make some concrete moves towards what he wants to do.

I agree with that advice.

Hi I'm a university careers consultant (and have a younger son in a similar situation). Firstly thought you might find this national research done with last year's graduates of interest, on impact of Covid on them. Identified four responses, first of which was 'disoriented'
www.agcas.org.uk/Graduates-experiences-of-Covid-19

You described him as having been very focussed to now, but how far is the world of jobsearch new to him? Does he know what he'd like to do next? Has he looked for work before? Done a placement or volunteered before? Did he do any applications last year?

Any one of these is quite a big deal, all together can feel overwhelming. I see with my son the massive disorientation between a pretty structured time at school and other people's agendas/timelines, and suddenly the yawning chasm of trying to decide what he wants to do, where to put his efforts, and (frequently) assembling complex applications which hit on his insecurities and no feedback, and the feeling he is an utter failure for not managing to do what his peers seem to manage to. And its been a lonely old year, and it can feel very exposing when people feel everyone else is 'sorted' (and also when in the wake of older siblings who seemingly have it all sorted).

Is it possible to go out and have a calm conversation in another environment? Checking if he has a sense what he'd like to do (it is fine if not, and his careers service can help here too). Breaking things down to one small manageable step today. If he doesn't have clear ideas, exploration (ie through volunteering or low key paid work) is a better response than withdrawal to bedroom waiting for one clearcut perfect answer to strike. Reassuring there are jobs out there, where he starts out is not where he'll end up, but people often feel reassured by the routine and structure of any job at first. Helping him identify one thing he could do today, and a second tomorrow. Massive praise for any actions taken. Encouraging him to talk to friends in similar situations, they will all be feeling this. Being aware this could be an extended transition and that's ok, no one is counting. The graduates I speak with are worried how it looks if they take something fairly small as a job (eg in a coffee shop). My sense is Covid has upended everything, and no one is counting what you are doing, but being in social networks helps, and it is easier finding something else once you're in motion.

I think as parents we can run the risk of seeing it as quite cut and dried. I've found it helpful to try and remember situations when I felt very exposed and ashamed - eg messy divorce which felt very pubic and tore plaster off all my nerve endings - to try to navigate it a bit better. But I get the fear and frustration of it all for you all and potentially a private careers consultant if he can't get enough time with his university careers service might give him more bespoke support and someone to be accountable to beyond you too. (CDI has a register of professionally qualified practitioners if you're looking.)

public not pubic :)

PS Is he signing on for Universal Credit? The Kickstart scheme is open to him if he is, and lots of small and larger firms are offering placements ringfenced to younger people with little employment history.

Its only actually been a few weeks , not even the length of the summer holidays,. I think he needs a break and time to work out whats next. So much pressure on him, focus On what he's achieved and the hard work put in over the last few years rather than criticise him for not finding work immediately. Especially considering the impact covid has had on young people, he has done really well. .

@redmapleleaves1 really helpful advice, thank you.
He did some job searching last year but mainly because his sister was and so they were sort of competing for Civil Service entry ! But he hasn't done a work placement or any office based work. Sadly he thinks he can just go in at a professional salary, not prepared to start at the bottom and work his way through. He is a bit selective about what he thinks he should be doing and needs to be more realistic. Will certainly consider giving him encouragement to go back to Uni careers service and CDI contacts.

His ex-schoolfriends are in the whole doing 4 year courses, or doing a Masters and so not actually job hunting. He seems to have dropped contacts with most of his Uni classmates.

He seems totally bored and apathetic to me.

What is CDI ?

@redmapleleaves1 he actually has too much money in the bank to sign in for UC. That is his savings for his planned trip to the USA.

@soberanne I was prepared to be lenient for a couple of weeks but he's been at home and mainly in bed or lolling around the garden for 2 months now so I do think he has had enough time to rest and recover.

If he had a hobby he was passionate about I would be more forgiving.

Honestly - it's August. He graduated literally a few weeks ago. It has been utterly awful for students and while it sounds as if he has been very focused - a 1st from an RG is a fantastic result, but very isolated. I'd be very inclined to let him chill, sleep, eat, game to his hearts content for another few weeks tbh. He's earned it after all.

It's a real shame your dh (and you...?) can't acknowledge this and celebrate his brilliant achievements without nagging about the next stage of his life. How sad for him on top of everything else.

Back off completely. Be proud of him. Tell him you're sorry you've been on his back, that he's worked so hard under really crap circumstances that he's earned a good break. Then in a couple of months have the conversation about needing to make some plans. A supermarket job would be fine and give him a bit of breathing space to earn some money, and hopefully travel, and think a bit more clearly about what he wants to do next.

He's going to be working till he's 70 - give him a break here!

Would planning the trip to US (for some time off) give him a bit of focus, and a hook towards getting a job, any job?

I also talk with my clients about cover stories. It can feel very different doing a job in a garage 'to earn money for travel' to doing a job in a garage as the first job with a First from a Russell Group university. Same as 'taking a sabbatical' or 'writing a novel' after unanticipated redundancy. Having been a massive success academically it probably feels quite scary to take tentative steps into job market where he won't immediately be massive success. Helping make that ok will be helpful, otherwise he'll cut himself off from lots of the immediate opportunities.

CDI is Career Development Institute - their list of practitioners www.thecdi.net/Professional-Register-

Good luck to him and you, there are loads of us out there in similar situation, even if people aren't talking about it.

Reminds me of a certain film... does he seem to be overly friendly with any attractive older women nearby?

Seriously though, it's only been a couple of months, perhaps let him enjoy this last long summer holiday before he settles into the world of work.

@UrbanRambler

Reminds me of a certain film... does he seem to be overly friendly with any attractive older women nearby?

Seriously though, it's only been a couple of months, perhaps let him enjoy this last long summer holiday before he settles into the world of work.

I want to say one word to you OP Just one word Are you listening?

Plastics.

@Bretoony, listening but sorry I haven't a clue what you are talking about.

@UrbanRambler are you talking Mrs Robinso ? Sadly he doesn't seem even slightly interested in women or men of any age. That's another issue.

@Bretoony

OP, yes Mrs Robinson, in The Graduate. Her husband is big in plastics and thinks Benjamin could have a great career in that field, but Benjamin is more interested in shagging his wife, when he's not dossing around in the swimming pool. If you've never seen it I recommend watching it right until the end, to enjoy the final scene which is iconic and has been much parodied in other films/dramas.

I'd encourage him to spend his travel money somewhere, anywhere else. Portugal? Thailand? Anywhere the border is open.

@UrbanRambler oh I haven't seen the film for years. I didn't appreciate the Plastics connection. Good film though and of course the famous ending in the church.

I think it can feel overwhelming when you come out of Uni and have to start becoming a proper adult. He does sound immature but I really don't think it's unusual. Is there anywhere else he could live? I think it's really easy to fall into the child role when you are living with your parents.
Does he do chores and cooking?

I think you should carry on asking him but agree with your husband when and who does the asking. If he has both parents going on at him then he might close down further.
I don't think you need to feel like this is a complete disaster just yet. It's only been a couple of months and it could be that he is doing some job hunting that you don't know about.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to get a interim coffee shop/ supermarket type job.