My unmotivated 21 year old Graduate son

[Travelledtheworld]

He finished uni in June with First Class hons from a Russell Group university. He studied hard for that but he has always been focused and academic.He has had a tough two years with Covid lockdown and alone in a shabby rented house a lot of the time. Home with us last summer when he had a supermarket job, and home with us over the winter lockdown.

Since he came home in June he has done absolutely nothing and has regressed to teenage behaviour. Sleeps in late, lots of gaming and chats online to his friends but he rarely leaves the house. He won't speak to us. He seems totally unmotivated to do anything. We have asked him to find any sort of job to tide him over until he can apply for next years round of graduate training, but has done nothing about this. We have asked him to do some volunteer work but he makes no attempt to look for anything.. He has spoken to University careers people but not followed through on their advice. He has had it suggested he should do a Masters and with a First I think he should get some funding for this, but he doesn't seem to have done anything about looking for courses

We don't give him any money but he is living here and eating our food. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs.

I think he is just immature and confused and doesn't know how to take the next big step in his life. He has an older sister who has a good professional job and she has given him lots of advice and helped him with his CV and she can't get to the bottom of his attitude either.

Husband is getting very impatient with him and I can see a huge bust up brewing. I don't want to see DS storming off and never speaking to us again. I try to be patient and objective, give advice but not to nag. I suppose the next step is to ask him to leave and let him fend for himself but I don't want to force him out if he has some deep underlying problems that he isn't able to speak to us about.

Any thoughts, anyone ?

My son 22 is also dossing after achieving a first. He says he is burnt out after a horribly pressured and isolating 16 months of remote working. But he is starting a masters in September and moving to a new shared house. However he has developed social anxiety and agoraphobia so with his agreement he has started to see a private therapist whom he is responding well to. I keep dragging him out to the shops, for walks and drives just to get him away from screens. It is very worrying but I think the pandemic has taken away his routine of going out every day and getting up early. Perhaps your son will just need a few more months to find motivation but ask him if he would like to speak to a counsellor. This age group has suffered enormously with the repercussions of covid.

@Cleebope2 thanks for your comments. I think mine may also have social anxiety. He does go out for a walk most days and he just had a week away with me in a quiet place when he was polite and seemed quiet content. At the moment he isn't speaking to us but next week we will be on our own again so he might open up to me.

Does he not get on with your DH (his father?), OP? He sounds like he needs tlc. I expect he'll sort himself out in due course. Thank goodness no weed etc involved.

As others have said it is early days and he is probably seeing this time as part of a normal university summer break. Often feeling under pressure will make him feel backed into a corner and being asked to produce evidence of jobs applied for will compound the tension between you all. Backing off, may allow him space to back down. Praise him for his results and efforts with study.
Having said that he is now an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself, rather than have parents push him. He needs to contribute to the household and if not working has the time to contribute more than if he had a days work. He needs to do his own washing, clean his own room, have jobs around the house to do, a certain amounts of family meals to cook etc.
Set a date, perhaps end of September, when you expect him to pay some rent, it does not have to be market rate, but a contribrution to cover his food and utility usage. He can afford to pay this from his savings, but may not want to see them dwindle. If he doesn't do this, don't do things for him.
Talk to him about what he wants to do rather than have his Dad or sister direct him about what he should do. What are his interests, how does he see his future. Make it clear you expect him to do something whether paid or voluntary to give him something for his CV to increase his chances of future employment
It sounds a really tense atmosphere, so taking some heat out of the situation for the short teem

Sorry I haven't rtft but I wouldn't give him a deadline but I would take him out and come at the problem from a "I am worried about you and hate to see you without direction" angle. I would also talk about him knowing in himself that this can't go in indefinitely and ask him if he needed any help with breaking down the problem of moving forward in to small steps. Also ask him directly if he is depressed and needs mh support.

Honestly, I think the transition from graduate to responsible adult with job in the real world of work is sometimes much harder than the angst of adolescence that everyone harps on about. And that's in normal times without Covid.

He has done brilliantly well with his degree. Tell him you have faith in him. Honestly, I know it must be incredibly frustrating for you and your DH but I think a demonstration of old fashioned love can achieve more in these circumstances than any other strategy.

Also a change of scene can do wonders. If any of his graduate friends are starting jobs in London or other major city, maybe encourage him to visit them and sleep on their sofas for a couple of nights? He might gather some helpful insights and motivation from this.

Hope it all goes well for him and for you op

My DD also graduated with a first from an RG university this summer. She does not know what she wants to do either job wise, but is working in a pub in the evenings a few nights a week and does voluntary work one night a week. She does not want to do anything corporate or a graduate scheme. She has a job as a teaching assistant in a special needs school lined up for September. I do sometimes think she is underselling herself, as she lacks confidence, but this has been a very difficult time for recent graduates. It’s only August, so I wouldn’t pressurise him too much. In normal times mine would have been away travelling. She, however, does cook, clean, do the shopping etc.

My son graduated last year - no idea what he wanted to do, but knew he didn’t want to work in the actual field of his degree.
In January he got a job as a Pupil Support Assistant- it did wonders for his self esteem, and he got excellent feedback. I think he felt like an adult for the first time - having kids call him Mr.
It’s been the making of him and he’s away to do his PGDE in primary teaching.

Even as a stop gap, a year as a PSA is not a bad idea.
I do sympathise- you think the hard bit is getting them into Uni!

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Son is still here and still mainly asleep in bed. But at least he is speaking to us at the moment.
He has however just found some temporary posts in a variety of departments with the local County council which he has eagerly applied for and is waiting for someone to get back to him.
But he is still generally directionless, lacking motivation and will not tell me what is really bothering him.

@FunTimes2020 his Dad just thinks he is a lazy arse and needs a kick up the backside, which might be true but that's not going to motivate him in any way.

@Lemonsyellow last year my DD did some volunteer tutoring in two different big city schools . She said it was a really good talking point when she got to interviews and is now in a well salaried and responsible Piblic Sector job. A TA post in an SN school sounds like she will develop a lot of useful people skills.

Can you turn the WiFi off? Lol! Might help though. Or at least change the password and not tell him!
Has he got dates for his trip? He might not think it’s worth starting anything if he’s going on a trip soon.
Have you heard of love bombing? It’s a way to reconnect you can set a budget and you both spend time together but what you do is totally up to DC. Maybe a fun day together he’d open up more or understand your concerned better.
It’s very rare in my experience that adult children continue like this so just try and relax and give him time.

@Travelledtheworld

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Son is still here and still mainly asleep in bed. But at least he is speaking to us at the moment. He has however just found some temporary posts in a variety of departments with the local County council which he has eagerly applied for and is waiting for someone to get back to him. But he is still generally directionless, lacking motivation and will not tell me what is really bothering him.

@FunTimes2020 his Dad just thinks he is a lazy arse and needs a kick up the backside, which might be true but that's not going to motivate him in any way.

I would let this situation follow through. I think this is very promising and you should give him lots of encouragement with the council work. I drifted through different jobs in my 20s including in a Council, and eventually found that I liked purchasing roles (I did a totally unrelated degree). It wasn't until I was 30 that I found my niche having tried out various roles. I now hold a senior purchasing position in a FTSE. Pressure will be counterproductive, especially if the expectation is he will hit the ground running with a 1st. It doesn't work like that.

Poor poor kid. He literally spent half of his University life under Covid and got a first. And his Dad thinks he’s a lazy arse?

@Etinox sadly yes. DH left school at 16 and did an apprenticeship motivated by a desire to get out of his parents house. Had his own house at 19. He just doesn't get it.

Oh update DS suddenly got a on line interview for a well salaried graduate calibre lost so he is a bit stunned by that. Wish us luck.

POST Not lost

It must be very hard for DH. But it sounds like DH is making moves? Thinking about making a plan?
Slightly randomly if you’re anywhere near a farm, or can ship him off to relatives in the country there’s a lot of picking work in September.

DS is making that should be.