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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

My daughter says being harassed is part of life!

57 replies

Glax · 07/07/2021 05:40

A young girl we know was harassed on the way to training by a man who followed her and wanted to “talk”, she is only 11 years old and was understandably upset.
My daughter and her friend (who are both 20) gave her some sympathy but when I spoke to them both their attitudes to it really got me.
My daughter simply said “she needs to get used to it. It will happen to her all through her life. This is something we just have to put up with it” her friend said “yeah! Wait until they start grabbing her bum! We get that all the time. You just get used to it”
How is it OK that they think you just have to put up with that?
Is this now the attitude of young women?
I was taken aback by that!

OP posts:
Youarestillintherunning · 07/07/2021 06:04

It's not that I is okay, it's just a fact. As a young woman, it is part of our daily lives. Getting angry about it won't change it. It's a hopeless situation, for many young women we can't see a way out. How can we change the entire male population?

GCAcademic · 07/07/2021 06:21

Why are you blaming young women for their attitude? It’s depressing that some women have become resigned to this behaviour but the problem, unequivocally, is men. Who, thanks to all kinds of degrading and illegal porn being available at their fingertips, are getting worse when it comes to their interactions with women and girls.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/07/2021 06:24

It was part of life when I was young in the 60s and 70s. That doesn't make it OK.

TabbyStar · 07/07/2021 06:35

I'm 52 and it was like that when I was young. I was angry all the time, but other friends were more "that's how's it is". It is exhausting to be angry all the time so I don't blame individuals, but I do wonder why as a society we are so accepting of it. Women are massively limited, particularly in our teens and 20s, by men's harassment, I think the decent men really don't understand the scale of it (and most men benefit from women's oppression so why would they want it to stop?) and the harassing men obviously just want it to continue.

girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 06:41

It's not part of our daily lives unless we choose to put up with it.

I've had my bum grabbed by a stranger once and that was in a a nightclub. I'm pretty sure my reaction meant he wouldn't try it with anyone else any time soon.

Occasionally men might make us feel uncomfortable but nobody I know has ever been regularly harassed.

TabbyStar · 07/07/2021 07:13

Occasionally men might make us feel uncomfortable but nobody I know has ever been regularly harassed.

I was regularly harassed as a teenager and 20-something in London - shouts, whistles, hissing (🤷🏻‍♀️), being groped, jostled, followed, not being able to sit alone / with friends without being pestered, once hit and thrown to the floor whilst answering back. DD had some man undo her tie-back top last week, some blokes were trying to stop her getting in a taxi when she was trying to get home, her friend won't walk along the main road here, she always takes the back routes because of men shouting at her from cars. It's endless. I was with a friend the other day, both over 50, and even we got shouted at by some men in a lorry, had men at work talking to my chest....

girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 07:39

@TabbyStar as I was typing I did wonder if it was maybe a regional thing. I'm in the Midlands. I'm sorry you've all had to put up with that.

TabbyStar · 07/07/2021 09:07

I think it is worse in cities because they're more impersonal, and also I was in same-sex relationships and was rarely out with a man, which I'm presuming gives you some protection. Also I ran and cycled a lot, which brings out the worst in men it would seem.

AgathaX · 07/07/2021 09:16

I'm in my 50s. It's been happening to me since I was a teen and it still happens now albeit less frequently now thankfully. I really don't know how we're supposed to deal with it. I've tried all sorts but with a persistent man, nothing works I'm afraid.

I think society needs to make big changes. Realistically, I think things are going backwards and women, especially young women, are viewed more than ever as commodities and there for the taking.

Gothichouse40 · 07/07/2021 09:37

Im actually glad to be older now and quite happy with no male attention. However, I agree with other posters but today's music videos don't help. Quite frankly some of them are disgusting and have set women back. Unfortunately, I think these behaviours will always be around. Education is the key, but men need to be caught and educated regarding attitudes to women before the teen years. How does this happen when women are seen or treated like commodities both in the music and acting industries? Two industries that young people follow the most. Young women also need to be assertive and put up with no nonsense from men. I never put up with groping etc,but I do know I had to extricate myself from some situations too, that were no fault of my own. We had no legal protection in the workplace then. It angers me that nothing for women seems to have changed from my younger days, even with all the legislative changes. Will it ever?

Original poster
Glax · 07/07/2021 10:12

I find it actually sad that women/girls seem to accept it and feel it’s just part of life.
And you are right that you can’t stop it.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 07/07/2021 10:15

It was and is always this way. Worst was whilst I was in school uniform.

But ho hum, the thread on mixed sex toilets wouldn't make you think so.

vjg13 · 07/07/2021 20:13

Totally agree chickenyhead about the school uniform. I once got a man "asking for directions" in a car whilst masturbating opposite my house. It made the usual shout outs etc seem like nothing.

Saidtoomuch · 07/07/2021 20:19

Occasionally men might make us feel uncomfortable but nobody I know has ever been regularly harassed. lucky you, @girlmom21. Sadly you will be in the minority.

Bargebill19 · 07/07/2021 20:24

Agree it was always part of life. However, girls today seem to accept it. We were taught to fight back and teach the men some manners. Stilettos, elbows, words etc etc were used as self defence.
Doesn’t seem to be the done thing these days. Accept all and everything seems to be the code we are expected to live by.

grapewine · 07/07/2021 20:26

Don't blame them for stating facts as they know them to be. It's been my experience as well. Doesn't mean it isn't shit. It means, for me, that I've not been believed when I've talked about it. Apparently, as a disabled woman, I "should be grateful someone is interested."

Life is shit sometimes. Especially for women.

Original poster
Glax · 07/07/2021 20:33

Who the hell said that to you!
That is disgusting!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2021 20:50

It's not part of our daily lives unless we choose to put up with it.

I was sexually harassed pretty continuously from about 11. So it's my fault? I've variously threatened to hurt men that have done it, screamed "fuck off" in their faces, reported to managers. The last one was in my late 40s.

What magical thing did I fail to do? Dye my hair from blonde and have a great reduction might have had a very small effect as these appear to be like a red rag to a bull.

Men need to sort their shit out and fucking notice and intervene when other men do it. I can count on one hand the number of men who've helped. One was a stranger at the time and is still a friend now!

Women are tired of this and nothing we do helps.

grapewine · 07/07/2021 20:56

@Glax

Who the hell said that to you! That is disgusting!
I've lost count.

Yes, it is disgusting. But I doubt I'm alone with the experience, very sadly.

grapewine · 07/07/2021 20:57

Men need to sort their shit out and fucking notice and intervene when other men do it

👏👏👏

BackforGood · 07/07/2021 21:15

I agree with girlmom21

I'm mid 50s now, but am sat with a 19 yr old and 2 x 22 yr olds.
We live in a big City and all are at / have been at Universities in different cities.

None of them recognise the description of the girls in the OP, and all of them agree with girlmom.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2021 03:58

So the 19 and 22 yo girls are harassed by men? OK let me know where you are so I can live there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2021 03:58

Aren't FFS

Youarestillintherunning · 08/07/2021 05:37

@Bargebill19

Agree it was always part of life. However, girls today seem to accept it. We were taught to fight back and teach the men some manners. Stilettos, elbows, words etc etc were used as self defence. Doesn’t seem to be the done thing these days. Accept all and everything seems to be the code we are expected to live by.
And this is how you end up getting physically attacked or murdered rather than just ignoring a catcall or a bum squeeze.
Diverseopinions · 08/07/2021 05:43

Of course it's not ok for men to touch you. There is a massive difference, say, to a man looking at you in a restaurant or public place, to a man committing physical assault - which is what is touching your bum; undoing your top.

Most people carry mobile phones, so it should be possible to take a photo of, at least, some of the men who are touching girls and women in this illegal way. You, your friend, a sympathetic stranger could do it and go to the police or your MP or keep the photo until another response suggests itself.

Some people can scream. I think screaming, when a man squeezes your bum or unties your top is a good idea.
I suppose there is no law against looking at someone or whistling at them