DD situation

[jessielou1]

My daughter is 25 snd works around 30 hours pw but only has a 20 hour contract . She pays £25 a week board runs a new car and I cook clean wash snd iron for her .
Most days she comes home from work straight into PJs and sometimes sleeps all night . Sometimes she forgets to set her clock for work and has ended up late . Today she got up at 1030 and had to be in work at 1115 as she turned her alarm off and went back to sleep . I no longer wake her and I've told her I have no intention of doing so .
It's really getting me and DH down I already suffer with anxiety . She just hasn't grown up at all and I fear for her future . I talk to my mum about this but that ends in an argument as she always sticks up for DD saying I worry too much . Am I worrying for nothing or am I right to be concerned . I worry she will never get her own place and have any responsibilities .

Why do you wash, clean and iron for a 25 year old who works part time?

Op in order for your dd to grow up you need to treat her as an adult. You have started to do that by refusing to wake her up for work but it's not enough. Stop doing her washing and cooking. Increase her rent. Ask for her to contribute to the cleaning and upkeep of the house.

It's not going to be easy but you are doing your dd no favours at the moment

I agree with motnight

I also have an adult DD living with us.

We all hope our children will be mature enough to be grateful for all the support we're giving them and will act like adults. Unfortunately in my experience if you treat them like children then they will carry on acting like children. My own DD's room is a pigsty, which astonishes her too - she says that when she lived out she was the clean tidy one, but now she's home she just reverts to rebellious teenager and makes a mess.

Have an adult to adult talk with her, tell her she is making you anxious and depressed.

£25 is pathetic when she must be earning around £250 or more. Unless you know she's saving a lot of the rest then put the price up a lot so she has to keep her job (if you want to you can save this for her but I don't see why you should). Stop doing her washing and tell her she has to feed you twice a week. And stick to it. Tough love is good love sometimes.

I have a 20something living here she also works p/t although she has been applying and applying for other jobs anyway she cooks a couple of nights a week although I do, do the washing because well its easier but she helps out in other ways, she does the getting up late thing but she has never been late for work I just leave her to it id never dream of worrying about her getting up or setting alarms . Why is it stressing you so much it isn't your business if she gets up half an hour before she is due out the door, with kindness you need something else to focus on.

By P/t I meant she also has a 20 hour contract like your dd but works extra.

I know it's complete madness you are all right ... my mum makes me feel so bad when I say it's unacceptable what's happening it's like she tries to make me feel like the bad one ... my mum keeps saying you listen too much to other people I bet most people of her age are the same so I end up feeling like shit .
DH says she should be paying double what she's paying now . I've always done her washing cooking ironing etc but as you say it's time it stopped

Send her to live with her grandmother.

Or, stop washing, cooking and cleaning for her. Put the rent up to £100 (or £50 if you think that's really all she can afford) a week and save most of it, without telling her.

If she doesn't like it, she can live elsewhere. But don't you fund her, even if she goes to live with your mother.

She pays £100 a month and you do all her laundry at 25?!

Can I come live with you?

I know your all right
When I read it back I think wtf am I thinking
I think I'm being kind and helping her but I'm really doing her no favours at all am I

Have an adult to adult talk with her, tell her she is making you anxious and depressed

I think that's would be an unkind and a manipulative thing to do. Tell her to pay more rent and do more chores but don't start with the mindgames and guilt trips.
Did she go away for Uni? Does she go out with friends? How was she before lock down? Might she be depressed and anxious?
25 is too old to be so aimless but I wouldn't be writing her off just yet. At least she is working.

Puzzled about the laundry etc.
My DC could work the machine at 11-12 and did so ever since.

She didn't go to uni no . She does suffer with anxiety and does struggle to make friends ... she's never been any different before lockdown ... I've never had an issue doing stuff for her but I do think now enough is enough as she does take the P concerning the household ... she just never seems to learn like the getting up for work it's been going on for years . She can't see the consequences if she loses her job

She's definitely not paying enough. She should be buying her own food on top of paying you more board, and she should be doing her own washing, cooking etc. She won't grow up until you stop babying her. As for your mother, tell her to butt out or just stop talking to her about it.

I've told my mum today I'm not gonna discuss DD ever again
She never backs me up with anything DD can do no wrong ... she's the same with my brother ... he does F all yet he's the golden child ... me on the other hand it's a different story .

She needs to move out and live her own life.

I'm 5 years older than her and appropriate it's really hard working, looking after a flat/ house, getting groceries, bills etc, paying rent an everything but it's life and she is still living like a child?! At 25. For her own sake she needs to move on from this stage of semi-independence. Raise the rent so she gets the idea she's no longer a kid. Or give her a (reasonable) date to move out by. Even if it's a few months at least something she needs to work towards.

Is she saving?, My dd is in the same boat work wise but we don’t charge rent as she is saving like mad for wedding and house deposit, she does however take absolutely every extra shift she can get and has been working crazy hours. The bedroom as long as it’s hygienic and I still have crockery in the kitchen I leave her to it. I don’t do laundry, I only cook for her on invitation, ie Sunday lunch other than that, we share the larder but by and large she buys her own food. I send messages grumbling if the kitchen etc is a mess as it works better than confrontation. It works well.

As far as If she loses her job due to unreliability, let her, she will soon learn. It’s not your job to facilitate her success or prevent her failure.

My one absolute red line is she has to honour her financial commitments as I won’t have my credit affected by any bad debts attached to the address, but I honestly don’t need to worry about that, she paid off her car within a year having taken the finance over 3.

The main thing, you need to do OP is learn to detach, take up a new hobby anything to take your focus, I did scuba diving. don’t discuss it with your mum, grannies can never hear any wrong, work out your own requirements for dd continuing to live with you, make them clear and decide which battles you want to fight.

At 25 I was married with a mortgage and a senior job role, full time. Not expecting my mum to cook and clean and wake me up for a part time job!

My sister lives at home at 25, she works two part time jobs (equates to about 43 hours per week) and she also pays £300 towards household bills etc, cooks and cleans for herself. She just doesn't see the point in moving out as she's happy where she is.

Op I think your DD needs a talking to.

She doesn't save no ... she's also constantly buying clothes which she either wears once then sells on Depop or doesn't wear at all . We argued last night over this as the spending on clothes is getting ridiculous.
Perhaps I do need to detach myself from her as I'm getting so stressed over it all ...

I would say -
It’s ok to cook for her if she’s eating with you, otherwise she sorts herself out
Don’t wash for her
She pays for food and other household expenses.
Low rent is fine if she’s saving to leave, otherwise she pays a reasonable amount
She should do some chores.
She will never leave when life at hole enables her to be 17 forever!!

I was paying £100 to my parents when I was 16 and earning £3.25 an hour on an apprenticeship. I could still afford to pay for my phone, my own clothes, bus pass, driving lessons and eventually my car. On top of that I was saving so I could go off travelling at 18. Your DD can afford to pay more and should. The level of disposable income she's enjoying is probably much higher than the average person her age and if she's not saving any of it, she's going to struggle to budget in the future. If you don't need the money, squirrel it away on her behalf, my parents gave my rent money back to me as a surprise just before I went travelling. I didn't expect it but my god I loved them for it.

Home not hole, obvs.

Good grief, you are treating her like a 5 year old and this needs to stop. Tell her from now on, she will be paying you £250 a month, she will buy a portion of her own food, and she will be doing ALL of her own laundry and cleaning. End of discussion and if she doesn't like it you are more than happy for her to move out.

Op you need to disengage. Don't make it your business about your dd's clothes. You are pushing yourself into parenting a teenager category and your dd into acting as a teenager.

I've told my mum today I'm not gonna discuss DD ever again
Why the dramatics? Why do you need to declare this to her? If your mum calls and specifically asks about DD just give a vague answer and then move the conversation on. If she asks specifically nosey questions eg “how much rent is DD paying you” say something like “we came up with an amount we both feel is fair”.