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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Please help me set some boundaries about my adult son moving back home

37 replies

AvaloniaFunk · 16/06/2021 08:25

My 24 year old son is soon to be returning home after 5 years at uni.
To set the scene a bit, after a difficult relationship between him and his step father ( whom I have very recently separated from after 15 years) he has lots of anger and he has not spoken to me, or any other member of the family including his Grandmother, since before xmas. My new home since the separation is much smaller, but the most I could afford, and him returning will mean I will need to partition the living room and sleep in there in order for him to have a bedroom. I have 2 younger children 9 and 11.
When he came back last Summer he would leave his cooking mess, ignore us ( including the children) and expect me to do his shopping/ give lifts at the drop of a hat. The atmosphere was awful.
I'm happy to have him back in many ways as it could mean a fresh start for the relationship between us after my separation from his step father. But I'm aware that a conversation needs to be had and boundaries set in an adult way. I'm rubbish at boundaries, please help.

OP posts:

PasstheBucket89 · 14/07/2021 09:38

i wouldn't have him back until he can show you respect, and do not give up your bed for him don't sleep in the living room.

LolaSmiles · 14/07/2021 09:44

Has he got a job ready to start yet?
It seems wrong to me that you're having to change the house this much for an adult who is rude and can't be bothered to pick up after himself.
If he does move back, don't give up your room. He can go in the newly partitioned room. His moods and bad relationship with his stepfather don't get to dictate the household.

When you have a chat, could you keep it really simple about household expectations that he would be expected to follow. For example, we all tidy up our mess, we are respectful and don't ignore each other. That way if he chooses to get moody he is getting moody at things that your average 11 year old would do and he is free to lives somewhere else.

DGFB · 14/07/2021 09:46

Why are you letting him move back?
But yes, he takes himself places, he clears up after himself, he pays for food and isn’t rude

Ohpulltheotherone · 14/07/2021 09:47

Hmmm difficult one.

He is an adult now and any other adult wouldn’t be permitted to act like this.

I doubt if he lived with a girlfriend or mates or a house share would people put up with a slob who ignores them and doesn’t even show the basics of respect and decency.

Personally I would ask to have a chat well in advance, I would base it around the house being a lot smaller, limited room etc and perhaps say last time we lived together you didn’t seem happy to be there, I don’t want that situation again, what can we do to make this is a good experience for all of us?

Then perhaps lead the conversation into some basic rules around cleaning up after himself, doing his own washing etc.

I wouldn’t go in “you didn’t do XYZ last time” but lead the conversation from a place of making it a happier experience for him.

If you’ve had a difficult relationship and you have some making up to do then it could be a great opportunity to make him feel part of the family again but still, at 24 he is an adult and has to act like one. If he can’t show basic manners and respect for your house then you’ll have to ask him leave.

You’re doing him a favour putting boundaries in place and keeping to them otherwise he’s going to take this behaviour and show it to partners in the future

LovelaceBiggWither · 14/07/2021 09:55

Why would you give up your bedroom to an adult who has not spoken to you since Xmas?

You may well want to mend your relationship but having some realistic boundaries in place would be a good thing. Bending over backwards when he's demonstrated no actual change since the last time he trampled all over your boundaries? I wouldn't go there.

titchy · 14/07/2021 09:59

@PasstheBucket89

i wouldn't have him back until he can show you respect, and do not give up your bed for him don't sleep in the living room.

This. He sleeps on the sofa not you.

pinkyredrose · 14/07/2021 10:00

It doesn't sound a great idea. Why can't he get his own place?

SpindleWhorl · 14/07/2021 10:02

Was he part of the reason you broke up with your ExPartner? The atmosphere must have been very stressful at times.

I've had a similar situation, hence my asking. In the end, boundaries were established through the medium of interpretive bollockings.

Coronawireless · 14/07/2021 10:03

Don’t give up your bedroom. You are the head of the household and must have a proper place to sleep.
I don’t know what went wrong between your son and your ex so can’t comment there.
Try a “sandwich” approach to your talks with him - you start the conversation by being kind and welcoming and saying how glad you are to have him. Then comes the “filling” - a firm and clear description of the rules that MUST be kept - tidiness, respect, etc. If he doesn’t stick to these basic rules he must leave. Finish with the second slice of bread - a repeat of how pleased you are to have him in your life.
This sandwich conversation may need to be repeated several times over the course of his stay. Talk to outsiders for help and relief if necessary. And keep your own room!!

User0ne · 14/07/2021 10:05

He's 24! If he moves back in at all it should be a short term thing while he finds somewhere else to live. There's no way you should be dividing your living room.

He sleeps on the sofa IF he follows the rules.

Notaroadrunner · 14/07/2021 10:09

Why on earth are you even contemplating giving up your bedroom? He gets the partioned space and if he as much as whinges about it then tell him he will have to find somewhere else to live. For gods sake he's a grown man and should not be expecting to move back home, especially seeing as you just don't have room anymore, added to the fact he's not even speaking to you. Tell him he's on the couch or he looks for a houseshare. Do up a rota for cleaning to include all members of the house - younger ones can do small chores. If he doesn't agree or stick to it then he's out.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 14/07/2021 10:11

He should definitely be the one sleeping on the sofa. Don't give up your bedroom space.
Is he working? Will he pay rent?

ditalini · 14/07/2021 10:12

This doesn't sound very healthy op.

Are you giving up your room for him because you're worried that he'll be angry with you if you don't?

Are you going to be stepping on eggshells around him all the time because you're worried that your relationship won't recover if you upset him?

AuntieDolly · 14/07/2021 10:13

He needs to find his own place.

MarianneUnfaithful · 14/07/2021 10:31

So he basically felt alienated from his home by living with a step father he didn’t have a good relationship with, saw you have 2 younger kids and provide a home for them, stayed away during the Uni years (most happy young people I see have Uni accommodation and come ‘home’ in the holidays) and now needs a place to be for a while and with step father out of the way,wants to be in a home with you again?

I am not saying you have to live with mess etc but maybe some heart to hearts before you start in on rules and regs.

Your relationship is more important than a few domestic issues.

Mary1Mary · 14/07/2021 10:34

This is a bad idea.

MarianneUnfaithful · 14/07/2021 10:35

He is an adult (albeit a young one with little experience of an emotionally happy home for him, it would seem) . Tell him that you want to have a fresh start, but that you are afraid of being afraid to walk on eggshells.

Listen to his anger. Acknowledge and accept. Then you have a better chance of him accepting yours about his behaviour in the home.

ElderButtFuckinNaked · 14/07/2021 10:37

He's 24, not 18. He needs to find his own place.

RickiTarr · 14/07/2021 10:41

So you think he has justifiable reason to be angry re his stepfather (even though he has expressed it terribly)? Did your ex treat him objectively badly? Was it a dysfunctional marriage?

Canigooutyet · 14/07/2021 10:47

If you do allow him back he has the sofa, mine wouldn't dream of booting me out of my room, they'd happily sleep in the bath if it was the only space.

You are not a taxi service, whilst he was away at uni he could have used one of the many student discounts for driving lessons. So now he will have to continue getting himself around.

Cleaning wise, he has to clear up after himself and of course he's on the chore board.

I was also clear that because I still had a younger child at home, no casual flings in the house. I don't have an endless stream of partners here so show me the same consideration.

If you don't think you will be able to talk about all the unresolved issues, some family therapy would be beneficial. As would the freedom program be good for you in helping you not walk on egg shells.

VanCleefArpels · 14/07/2021 10:48

It seems to me that by allowing him home you are rewarding him for his terrible behaviour towards you by creating upheaval for his siblings and most of all you. You can still work on your relationship without him cramming himself abd his worldly goods into a too small home.

At the very least I’d give it a strict time limit and charge him rent.

MichelleScarn · 14/07/2021 10:49

@MarianneUnfaithful

I am not saying you have to live with mess etc but maybe some heart to hearts before you start in on rules and regs.

Your relationship is more important than a few domestic issues.

This, what was the relationship like between him and your ex? He was about 9 when you married? Wheres his own dad and how old was he when you met your ex, is a lot of the anger about how he was treated by ex?

dancemom · 14/07/2021 11:06

Has he asked to come back? Or are you assuming?

Lampzade · 14/07/2021 11:16

It’s difficult without knowing or understanding what went on between your ds and his stepfather. Was his behaviour linked to the relationship between himself and stepfather?
I wouldn’t give up my room for him though. He would have to sleep on the sofa. I would set out rules/ boundaries and ask him if he was willing to follow them. If his answer is negative then he can find somewhere else to live.

MichelleScarn · 14/07/2021 11:25

Is it a 2 bed you have? Or are the younger children sharing a room? If not and 1 is male could he have a bed in that room, or if they are same sex could they share a room as a temp measure till he gets on his feet?

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