Please help me set some boundaries about my adult son moving back home

[AvaloniaFunk]

My 24 year old son is soon to be returning home after 5 years at uni.
To set the scene a bit, after a difficult relationship between him and his step father ( whom I have very recently separated from after 15 years) he has lots of anger and he has not spoken to me, or any other member of the family including his Grandmother, since before xmas. My new home since the separation is much smaller, but the most I could afford, and him returning will mean I will need to partition the living room and sleep in there in order for him to have a bedroom. I have 2 younger children 9 and 11.
When he came back last Summer he would leave his cooking mess, ignore us ( including the children) and expect me to do his shopping/ give lifts at the drop of a hat. The atmosphere was awful.
I'm happy to have him back in many ways as it could mean a fresh start for the relationship between us after my separation from his step father. But I'm aware that a conversation needs to be had and boundaries set in an adult way. I'm rubbish at boundaries, please help.

You are not a taxi service, whilst he was away at uni he could have used one of the many student discounts for driving lessons. So now he will have to continue getting himself around

I agree the OP is not a taxi service but how is ‘learn to drive, but a car, pay the sky-high new driver insurance’ a solution for a person just leaving Uni, no savings yet, and a parent who is clearly adjusting to a new low income?

Public transport yes, but I am astounded by the immediate ‘learn to drive, but and run a car’ assumption on MN when funds are tight.

As others have said, do not sleep in the living room, keep the bedroom as the one paying the bills.

I suspect there's a lot of guilt from the relationship with the SF - is that right ? But your DS is a grown adult. You're proving a roof over his head and he has to respect that. Martyring yourself will not negate the past.

He's 24, don't let me him move in. He's a grown man he can organise his own accommodation.

And definitely don't give up your bedroom!!!

Don't give up your bedroom for him. That subtly implies he is higher status than you. But you have all the responsibilities of running the house, so you are top dog. But do make a properly partitioned section of the living area for him.

If he doesn't have a room of his own, I wouldn't feel comfortable charging him rent but would ask him to contribute towards cooking and utilities, both with his money and his time: do his own and occasionally some household laundry; cook for the family twice a week, pick up after himself.

I would show him lots of love when he returns - make his favourite food, ask what he want s from the set up and listen respectfully to his answers. Let him come up with suggestions for how he can contribute as an adult, and don't criticise if he cooks food that isn't to your standard.

He's an adult capable of getting a job and getting his own place. If he comes to live with you he a) sleeps where you say and b) is respectful of the fact he's living in your house. He sounds like a bloody nightmare. You don't have to put up with it.

MarianneUnfaithful
So he basically felt alienated from his home by living with a step father he didn’t have a good relationship with, saw you have 2 younger kids and provide a home for them, stayed away during the Uni years (most happy young people I see have Uni accommodation and come ‘home’ in the holidays) and now needs a place to be for a while and with step father out of the way,wants to be in a home with you again?

I am not saying you have to live with mess etc but maybe some heart to hearts before you start in on rules and regs.

Your relationship is more important than a few domestic issues.

I tend to agree with this, presumably his stepdad is an ex for a reason? Did your son feel pushed out, does he have good reasons to be angry? I’m not saying that you should put up with being badly treated in your own home but are there more pressing issues to talk about first rather than going straight for a chores rota? You have glossed over so much in your OP it’s very difficult to tell.

@MarianneUnfaithful

You are not a taxi service, whilst he was away at uni he could have used one of the many student discounts for driving lessons. So now he will have to continue getting himself around

I agree the OP is not a taxi service but how is ‘learn to drive, but a car, pay the sky-high new driver insurance’ a solution for a person just leaving Uni, no savings yet, and a parent who is clearly adjusting to a new low income?

Public transport yes, but I am astounded by the immediate ‘learn to drive, but and run a car’ assumption on MN when funds are tight.

There was nothing stopping him from doing what thousands of other students do, and work part time thus giving him savings. Once the upfront 2 months are paid for the sky high insurance his wage would pay the monthly costs. And once back home they could come to an arrangement about him using mums car. Because of his age he would need a box fitted, and as long as he's a safe driver the following year the premium drops. I

It's not like he's only been away for a year or just starting uni. He should be used to having to work hard to get things, how to look after himself and how to be a functioning, independent adult.

That set up doesn’t sound like it’s going to work at all unless it’s very short term.

Careful OP, this could make your relationship worse.

Don't give up your room for him! Let him sleep on the sofa.

Start the conversation with, "I'm so glad to have you home, I hope we can mend some bridges as I know things have been strained. This is a small house, but we are happy here, and I want us all to live amicably together. I've come up with some ground rules so that we can all share the space without arguing. [Then list your rules.]" Then you should ask if he has any ideas to contribute to make things work easier.

Tell him, you will be charging him rent to cover bills, and if he wants to eat with the family, you will increase the rent to cover that. If you can possibly afford it, set his rent aside in a savings account and then when he is ready to move out, present him with the little nest egg. It is good for him to know he can't freeload and charging rent respects his status as an adult and sets good habits. Also good for your other kids to see him contributing. Tell him that you expect him to do his share of chores, to cook the family dinner at least once a week, and to keep his belongings tidy. Tell him he can use your washing machine for his own stuff, or if he prefers just to throw his stuff in with the family's then you expect him to help with laundry.

Thank you all for your contributions. I have only just seen them as there were no replies for a few weeks.
I am collecting my son this Saturday so your advice has come just in time. I have taken your tips on board. In reply to everyone who said don't give up your room, my decision to do so has been thought through. Firstly I have never slept in that room since moving in recently as I was keeping it empty in preparation to decorate. I have partioned the living/ dining room space and have a proper bed/ wardrobe in there. If my son had his space downstairs there would be 2 TVs within a few metres with only a thin partition. It just wouldn't work as he will be spending time in his own space, and I only sleep in mine. I will point out to him that this decision is reversible if it doesn't work for some reason.
In answer to the questions about past problems, he is justified in having some anger and there is a need for discussion/ mediation. However friends of mine have had much more difficult issues/ relationships with their children during the growing up years and now have good relationships with their adult children, so it is quite complex. There are no excuses however for ignoring his siblings and grandma.

he is justified in having some anger

Why, what happened?