Furst

[NorthernGal64]

First post on here so be kind Ive been feeling a bit frustrated more and more over the past few years, even before covid, and wanted to see if anyone is in the same boat with their own 'live at home' children.

My youngest son is 29 and still lives here with me and hubby. For the past 3 years has 'worked from home'. His work is computer based and he does freelance work from his bedroom. The problem is he is taking liberties. He works all through the night and sleeps through most of the day, even though his job does not require him to work unsocial hours. We wake up to dirty plates from his overnight cooking (im not sure he has ever washed up the dishes) and he just expects that it will get done by me. He doesn’t help with any chores round the house, and wont even pop to the shops for something when asked to by me or hubby. On top of that, he regularly dips in to my drinks, often knocking back half to a full bottle of my wine without asking during the night, and never replaces it... He even drank a full bottle of my gin (birthday present from a friend) and 'replaced it' months later as my christmas present from him!

Now, these things alone are long standing, and are probably my fault for not putting my foot down earlier (too late now). But recently hes been taking the pee more and more. When he wakes up (usually afternoon time), he has taking to ringing the landline from his bedroom asking for me to bring him cups of tea upstairs! Bear in mind this is after ive come back from work (6am start) and barely had time to sit down. Ive also woke up to puddles of wee around the toilet a number of times because he went in the dark during the night, usually after drinking. Theres just no consideration at all. Oh, and he pays £150 a month rent, even though he earns well over a grand a month after tax. This includes food, bills, everything. But says he "cant afford more"!

Hubby wont say anything, just shrugs his shoulders about the whole situation as if to say 'what can I do' ... Theres no point me speaking to my son as he just doesnt listen, at all, but I dont know what to do... Not sure I can cope with more years of this behaviour, and there is no sign of him wanting to ever move out. Anyone had a similar situation with a son/daughter like this and what did you do?

I should just add, he is a lovely boy underneath it all, hes just never got out of his teenage years.

Sorry about the misspelt title, my laptop was being funny

I’d disconnect the landline
And get padlocks for all the kitchen cupboards
He’s not really a boy either

You need to be firm and make some ground rules, and increase his rent (or at least insist that he pays for all his own food). It doesn't matter that it's gone on for ages, you can change it at any time. If he doesn't comply then start putting his mess at his door, literally - dirty plates on his bed, cleaning equipment on his bed so he cleans the bathroom, say no to any tea requests etc etc

You're doing him a disservice by not insisting he becomes an adult. When he does eventually move out, anyone he lives with will hate him.

I would ask him to move out op.

Don't you want him to meet someone & have a relationship?

In what way could you possibly think he’s a lovely boy? He is neither. Yeuch.

Thanks for the replies, food for thought at least.

He is polite, and we do get on, but I just don’t know to get him to respect my viewpoint.

He has had some flings with girls in the past (usually from dating apps like tinder), and when he brings them home, he does whatever he can to hide them away from us, almost like hes embarrassed! A few years ago (pre-covid) he brought a girl home while we were away for the night, and demanded that we not come home before a certain time. My hubby didn’t listen, and we arrived home a little earlier than planned, to find him and the girl stood near the house waiting for a taxi (to drop her back home). When I called to him asking if they wanted a lift, he blanked us, and told the girl that we were his “landlords” and must have been coming to check something in the rented house! Needless to say, we didn’t see her again. Its these sorts of events that mean girls usually don’t stick around for long.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling, im going to try and be a bit firmer with him this week and see how it goes.

Polite is a word that has a meaning!

He needs to move out, find a house share. He is not lovely he is inconsiderate and rude. I'd be ignoring any requests from now on, no food, no washing, turning off the Wi-fi overnight and raising his rent to £500 a month. He is royally taking the piss out of your kindness and generosity. Give him a month to find somewhere new. Honestly you are doing him no favours, no woman is going to want to stay with someone like this. Very very unattractive.
If he refuses to leave change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep. He's old enough to behave like an adult, do not allow this to continue.

He is embarrassed by you because he knows that, understandably, women will run a mile from a 29 year old who lives like a child with his parents, being treated like a child. Or more accurately he is embarrassed by himself. He's living a comfortable life being treated like a child, but wants people to believe he is independent. He has to choose really.

Well, another issue to report. It was my granddaughters birthday this week, and when she opened her presents, my daughter in law noticed that one of our presents (a lego type set) was already opened. Then she noticed that some pieces were missing, while other things were in the wrong bags. I actually noticed the present was opened before I posted it, but didnt think much of it at the time.

After asking my son about it earlier, he owned up to opening it and taking things out of the box because he "wanted to try some things as part of his animation project" (As part of his job, he animates). But he says he "put everything back in its place afterwards".

Im a bit embarrassed to say the least! Who opens a 5 year olds birthday presents ?? He seems to think it was no big deal but I feel ashamed at the way he acts sometimes. What do you think I should do in this situation :blush:

He replaces the Lego set at his own expense and apologises to your daughter in law.

You realise you talk about him as if he’s primary school age?

You sound lovely and a caring mum but I am sorry to say I think your behaviour is damaging your son as well as the rest of the family.
It strikes me as a similar dynamic to the enabler of an alcoholic or drug addict.
Although it will be painful for you all in the short term, for the sake of his long term happiness (and yours), you must put an end to this now by kindly explaining to him that he must leave.
Perhaps you could offer to pay his rental deposit as a one off if you want to help further.

Ah op, as much as you love your son, you are really doing him no favours.

What's to become of him? He lives with mummy and daddy, with no boundaries and no expectations. How is he ever going to grow as a person?

It's hard forcing yourself to socialize and date if it doesn't come natural to him, but even harder to invite anybody home to his room at his parents (that's embarrassing dating wise). It's comfortable but holding him back from seeking much company and growing into adulthood. (and no you shouldn't be asked to keep away from YOUR home when he has company).

You don't need to ask him to pay more or do more chores, nor ask him to be a functioning adult helping with chores. I'm sorry, but you need to help him move to his own place (if he needs help).

Now I know this is hard for you, that he is the last one home etc. but really this is preventing him from growing and creating a life of his own. If he should ever find a girlfriend would you be proud of the life skills he exhibits now? Would you feel you had 'dressed' him to be a good partner, doing his fair share in a household?

I know it hurts and is hard to do/say in a loving way, but you really need to help him grow up.

Hope I haven't offended you op, best of luck.

Stop getting him tea, either disconnect the landline or say get it yourself you lazy did you are almost 30. Re the speaking to your husband about it, you have the power to be assertive, you have the power to say sorry I know you get a grant a month where does the other 850 pound go, rent is now 250 a month or you can be paying over 500 if you leave. You also have the power to call him out and not get him a present on his next birthday and say you are still down one from Christmas. You have the power also to not do the dishes,keep one place setting in your room always clean if need be but basically stop doing things.

Oh and re the LEGO you pull him up on it and ask why he couldn’t have bought himself some Lego! You tell him it was embarrassing and that he wasn’t truthful with you about putting it back as found and you suspect that’s out of laziness

As a previous poster said, you’re actually doing a disservice to your son by allowing him to continue to live at home and do no chores. He is 29 years old.

He has no life skills. No experience of paying rent or mortgage, home maintenance, paying bills... I could go on

You’d actually be kind if you suggested that he needs to investigate moving out and renting his own place (presuming he’s not been saving his money he does not have to pay out to live). Give him x amount of months, work out a budget for rent, perhaps help him look for a place), food, bills etc so he will have an idea of how to live as a self sufficient adult.

I have 4 children ages 20, 19, 15 & 5. Me & their father split up almost 4 years now & we allowed the children to decide on whom they wanted to live with & the arrangement was for my eldest son (20) & youngest daughter (15) live with their father & my eldest daughter (19) & youngest son (5) live with me. All was going ok up until the last few months when my eldest son started getting himself into trouble with gangs. He had a bike off one of the gang members, which my son decided to sell without paying him & now the lad is demanding his money. Because the gang members live close to his dad's, my son has had to move in with me & my eldest daughter has had to move to her dad's. Again, my son had a another bike off someone else & now he has trouble here now! As much as I love my son, I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I fear for his life & fear if anything is going to happen to my house, my son's also stolen a chain & earrings set from me & just has no consideration for anyone. I know it sounds bad of me as I'm his mum, but I don't want him living here. I have my 5 year old to think about & it's all just making me feel really depressed. I've got him onto the housing register & they've said his best chance of getting himself a place is to class himself as homeless. I've sorted out his form with the homeless team which they did find him a hostel to stay in, but he refused to go there, I just don't know what else I should do as don't know how much more I can take?

You need to start taking a hard line with him, and start NOW! Think about what you want to achieve, talk to your husband about it and get him involved. And then sit your son down for a proper discussion about how things are going to be moving forward. Think of it as tough love, you really have not prepared him for moving at all, so if you don't take a firm line now, this is how your life is going to be forever.

He may be polite, but his attitude is appalling. I'm actually laughing at how my mum would have reacted if I phoned her on the landline to make me a bio of tea when she returned from work and I was still in my bed. I can assure that that the end result would not have been a cup of tea served to me in bed!!

Does he have a plan for the future? Or is he planning to stay with you forever? Does he have older siblings?

@Angie2501 You need to start your own thread as your question will get lost in here.

OP @NorthernGal64 Your son is 29. Probably a third of his way through life and you're letting him treat you like this. He's not 9. He needs to man up and move out! In the kindest way, you're not helping him at all. Stop pandering and give him notice. Good luck.

@mrstea301, he does, my eldest son. He moved out at 21 and is the polar opposite to my youngest at home. Hes independent and has his own family now.

My son at home periodically talks about "moving out" but I think reality sets in when he realises how much it would cost him, so always settles back into his normal ways.

I had another 'moment' with him on mother days recently. He forgot to buy me a card, which is no big deal as we are not much of a "card and presents" family anyway. But he bought me a present that was a bit, well, strange. An egg poaching pan.

Now, the background is he burnt my previous one a few months back and never replaced it. So his idea was to replace it as a 'present'!

It made me roll my eyes a bit but sums up his attitude really. Im going to have an effort to be more firm with him over the next weeks and months and see how it goes, thanks for the advice so far, even if not always easy to read

Stop letting him walk all over you. He's being incredibly rude and disrespectful.

Stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, stop making him cups of tea. Tell him he needs to move out. You might want to give him a month's notice but frankly he's being such an arse Id be tempted to pack his bags and tell him to be out by the end of the weekend.

Oh, and switch off the wifi or change the password.

What does your husband think, Op?

I can't believe how passive you're being about all this! Bloody (wo)man up fgs. You have created a deeply unattractive, lazy, selfish arse of a son. Well done.