Furst

[NorthernGal64]

First post on here so be kind Ive been feeling a bit frustrated more and more over the past few years, even before covid, and wanted to see if anyone is in the same boat with their own 'live at home' children.

My youngest son is 29 and still lives here with me and hubby. For the past 3 years has 'worked from home'. His work is computer based and he does freelance work from his bedroom. The problem is he is taking liberties. He works all through the night and sleeps through most of the day, even though his job does not require him to work unsocial hours. We wake up to dirty plates from his overnight cooking (im not sure he has ever washed up the dishes) and he just expects that it will get done by me. He doesn’t help with any chores round the house, and wont even pop to the shops for something when asked to by me or hubby. On top of that, he regularly dips in to my drinks, often knocking back half to a full bottle of my wine without asking during the night, and never replaces it... He even drank a full bottle of my gin (birthday present from a friend) and 'replaced it' months later as my christmas present from him!

Now, these things alone are long standing, and are probably my fault for not putting my foot down earlier (too late now). But recently hes been taking the pee more and more. When he wakes up (usually afternoon time), he has taking to ringing the landline from his bedroom asking for me to bring him cups of tea upstairs! Bear in mind this is after ive come back from work (6am start) and barely had time to sit down. Ive also woke up to puddles of wee around the toilet a number of times because he went in the dark during the night, usually after drinking. Theres just no consideration at all. Oh, and he pays £150 a month rent, even though he earns well over a grand a month after tax. This includes food, bills, everything. But says he "cant afford more"!

Hubby wont say anything, just shrugs his shoulders about the whole situation as if to say 'what can I do' ... Theres no point me speaking to my son as he just doesnt listen, at all, but I dont know what to do... Not sure I can cope with more years of this behaviour, and there is no sign of him wanting to ever move out. Anyone had a similar situation with a son/daughter like this and what did you do?

I should just add, he is a lovely boy underneath it all, hes just never got out of his teenage years.

Your son is currently someone that no one on earth would choose for a partner. Even his own mother doesn't like living with him.

Why would you enable this and not want him to live independently? Do you like him being at home and completely dependent on you to clear up his piss, make him tea and indulge his every whim?

Soooo. I had a chat with my youngest son some weeks ago, and told him he needed to buck his ideas up. I dont know what I did differently from before, but he seemed to take it on board this time. For a week or so, he was making more effort around the house, doing some cleaning/chores etc. But last weekend he slipped back into his old ways. I asked him if he would cut the grass, and he said he couldnt as he was 'too sunburnt'. So I ended up doing it myself, and then a few hours later find him sat in the garden subathing, fag in hand. It really put me in a foul mood that he fobbed me off like that.

And I feel a bit embarassed even mentioning this one from a few days ago, but I was changing his bed sheets when I spotted a bottle behind his bed. Upon picking it up, I notice its a bottle of wee. Turns out he couldnt be bothered walking across the landing the night before to go to the toilet and took this option instead! (he had been drinking in his room). Disgusting I know, and while it might seem trivial, its these little things that are irking me, and I really dont know what the next step should be.

@Motnight, my husband is on my side, but he just sits there and moans about me being soft, even though he does nothing to change the situation himself.

Don't know if you are still reading, but you have been told what to expect from a 29 years old repeatedly on this thread and chosen to ignore it. Neither your dh or you are prepared to do someany. So your ds will continue this way of life as it's easy, cheap and doesn't force him to learn any social or grown up skills.

Only a crazy woman would want him, so the future you are setting him up for is living with you, being a slob. Surely you will have a live-in carer for your old age - probably a carer who drinks to much and who thinks he should be the one cared for.

Is this really what you want for your ds? Frankly the recent examples you give are disgusting as is your approach to them.

Sorry I cannot say something nice or understanding, but this is beyond ridiculous.

Someany=anything .

Too sunburnt? Which other jobs today should we swap the lawnmowing with?
And why were you changing his sheets? He is almost 30.

Why the fuck are you changing his sheets? No wonder he’s not leaving. Stop doing everything for him. He’s not a baby or toddler. He’s not a child, he’s a grown man.

Whe you asked him to mow the lawn, why did you accept his shit excuse and then do it yourself. He’s treating you like a mug and you’re letting him.

Tell him he has one month to sort out alternative accommodation. He’ll have enough by now for a cheap hotel until he finds a flat to rent or house share and do it, don’t listen to his excuses

I honestly can't believe you do things like change his sheets! Don't set foot in his room. He can sort it out. Don't wash his clothes or buy him things or clean anything belonging to him. Don't buy his toiletries or personal things either and I hope he replaced that Lego set!

You're still babying him

Was he vulnerable in some way as a child? Was he premature? Just wondering if you are somehow emotionally stuck with how you see him? You have no expectations of him in a way that sounds very different from how you are with your other son?

He sounds a lot younger than 29. Also, he sounds a bit grim from your updates-opening a child’s birthday present, ruining your things and ‘replacing’ them as gifts, wee’ing in bottles-and leaving you to find them. He is never going to find a women to leave home for-as at his age women expect an independent man, also his personality and apparent meanness and I doubt with the way things are he will leave on his own. You need to get your husband on board and raise the rent-for the food he eats, the extra cleaning he needs and actually the extra trouble in general he gives you-just to the hmo room rent in your area for now, then locks on the cupboard-including one for plates and pots and pans and fridge, provide him with a little fridge and cupboard space for him to put the food/items he needs to eat and cook with he has to buy himself in. Then it is time to ignore every request he makes-he rings the land line to ask for a cup of tea you laugh at his joke and put the phone down. Next every time he makes an unreasonable request like coming home later as he has a date laugh and tell him to get a hotel, he does not get to tell you what to do for 150£ a month. Then every time he makes a nusence of himself make a proper ruckus-shout if you have to, this will be hard but it makes it very difficult for him to live undisturbed if every time you over react and make everything a BIG THING-he leaves the bathroom in a state, react as if he has left a murder victim in there. This will ether make him an ideal housemate, or make him move out. If you don’t do something about it now in twenty years time you will be writing in about your 49 yo son who is just hell to live with.

Phone rings - 'mum bring me tea & toast up'
Me - 'fuck off', puts phone down.