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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DD split with her bf and I'm gutted!

30 replies

FromDespairToHere · 12/09/2020 16:13

I am fully aware how ridiculous I'm being. She's 20, he's 25. They've been together 2 years and I actually introduced them. I almost love him like a son. She finished with him today - he's not done anything wrong, she's just fallen out of love with him.

I think I had a beautiful future mapped out for them in my head and I'm mourning that, whereas she's just relieved that he's taken it well. Is it normal to feel so upset? And has anyone got any grips they can give me please?

OP posts:
Cattiwampus · 12/09/2020 16:19

My mum took a while to get over my first break-up. She keeps in contact with him several times a year. Yesterday, she was wittering on about how much my husband likes cats, and reminiscing about him.
He doesn’t like cats at all, that was my ex.
It’s been 39 years since the split, and several lovers in between him and meeting DH.
I hope you recover faster.

HamRadio · 12/09/2020 16:22

She’s 20. You never get attached when they’re that age.

Palavah · 12/09/2020 16:25

There was a similar thread recently - be ready to get it handed to you, OP!

She's 20. That's awfully young to be with someone for the rest of her life. What about the other dreams she has - career, travel, sporting achievements, experiences?

mintyfreshh · 12/09/2020 16:25

Yikes, I'm glad you're not my mum. My mum encouraged me to go out and make my own beautiful future on my own terms, with or without a partner.

Original poster
FromDespairToHere · 12/09/2020 16:40

Jesus I did say I'm being ridiculous! And I have not told her I'm upset, I've put it on here instead. She needs to live her best life and that doesn't involve him but that doesn't mean I can't be sad. She lives here and he was here a lot, I'm very fond of him.

We're having pizza, wine and Leonardo DiCaprio films tonight anyway.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 12/09/2020 16:43

Well that sounds a good night to me!

SeasonFinale · 12/09/2020 16:45

I still miss my 18 year olds ex girlfriend because she was a fixture in my house for 2 years and we used to have nice chats together. H e was someone on your life who is no longer there and it will leave a good. However at some point she may have another by and the trick is to not compare them to the ex.

AbulaConundrum · 12/09/2020 16:53

I totally get it OP. My DD (22) recently finished with her boyfriend of 6 years who she started dating in school. We've known him since he was 15, and he was like a member of our family - came on holidays, was on our family WhatsApp group, was here a lot and we all love him. Like your DD no dramatic breakup but the relationship had run its course. We just have to get over it and support our DD, but it does feel like a bereavement. They've remained friends but I can't imagine that lasting once one of them gets a new partner.

RelaisBlu · 12/09/2020 17:01

We have 3 DDs all now in their 20s/30s and a whole parade of lovely young friends, including boyfriends, have come & gone through the house over the years! All you can do is make them welcome while they're there but try not to "have a beautiful future mapped out for them in your head"

Having said that, my youngest DD (25) has been with her current boyfriend for about a year and the first time she brought him home I remember feeling very strongly this could be long-term, but at the same time being very surprised that I was thinking it because I normally don't.

MajesticWhine · 12/09/2020 17:04

OP - I think your feelings of loss are completely natural and understandable. Of course we get attached to our children's partners. They become a part of your life, visiting, having meals together etc. And of course you might imagine a future with them being together. Totally ok to be sad. Best wishes to you and DD.

Original poster
FromDespairToHere · 12/09/2020 17:07

Would just like to point out that I did not share my fantasy future with her at any time either!

I'm sure she'll meet someone else and I will adore them too, and I would certainly never compare a new bf to this young man.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 12/09/2020 17:12

I've kept in touch with my daughters ex girlfriend her siblings go to my younger children's school they socialise together too and I get on well with her mother it was a bit tense at first but I made it clear I dissgreed with how my daughter behaved agreed her daughter deserved better and lamented over the loss while simultaneously consoling my daughter and telling her it was probably for the best as they are at different stages in life

We still get on 12 months later they do talk occasionally too and everyone has been mature about it all

Sometimes stuff happens

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 12/09/2020 17:42

Please don't let your daughter know these feelings. My mum made hers perfectly clear when I split up with the perfect-on-paper boyfriend after 5 years. Consequently I stayed in my current relationship far too long to prove I was right and now have a toddler and one on the way with a much less than ideal partner. I think if my mum hadn't been so awful when we got together I wouldn't be where I am now xx

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 17:46

It's totally understandable to be upset, just keep it to yourself, no matter how hard it is.

woodhill · 12/09/2020 17:51

It's ok, you are not alone I was exactly like it with Dd1, I think for me it was Complex and brought back my own teenage years. When she turned 14 I was hitting 40 and it went on for a few years.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 12/09/2020 17:54

Course you are allowed to feel like that OP! Hope your pizza and movies night goes well xx

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/09/2020 17:56

I’m with you op, ds1 (24) has been with his gf (22) for 4 years. I’d be gutted if they split up and she wasn’t in my life! I know it happens, but still.

Ibizafun · 14/09/2020 23:26

I hear you op. My ds 20 finished with his girlfriend of 3.5 years. She was a unique, incredible individual and part our family.

Now he’s with some random girl from uni and I’m torturing myself thinking of the future and children they’ll never have. I know he’ll regret it one day. And no, he has no idea how I feel.

lakesidefall · 14/09/2020 23:40

DH and I still mourn the loss of a fiancé in our sibling circle ten years later!
I think it is pretty normal to be honest.

LimitIsUp · 15/09/2020 10:19

I privately refer to my 18 year old dd's boyfriend as 'unsuitable boyfriend' (she has no idea). After bailing from sixth form, and completing an apprenticeship he now has no work and can't drive due to a cannabis ban. I am definitely not imagining a beautiful future for them

I can imagine it's sad though when your dd has been involved with a lovely boyfriend who has become part of the fixtures and fittings and is no longer there

unmarkedbythat · 15/09/2020 10:36

You're not ridiculous to have feelings, you're allowed to like people and be sad they're gone from your life if that happens. You seem totally sensible and without any intention of telling your dd any of this so I don't really see why you'd get any criticism!

chatterbugmegastar · 20/09/2020 07:42

She needs to live her best life and that doesn't involve him but that doesn't mean I can't be sad.

Exactly

I felt the same when my DDs first long term (2 years) relationship ended

I'd always known it was unlikely to be her forever relationship but I miss him being in my life

SunnySummerDays · 20/09/2020 07:44

My ds ended with his gf when they were 25. Over a year ago. Broke my heart as had been together six years. She’s still single which upsets me.

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2020 07:50

My DD has her first BF and he is perfect
He talks computers to DH, Anime and Fortnite to DS and chats to me while helping me load the dishwasher. He absolutely adores DD and I have seen her come out of her shell and gain so much confidence since they have been together. He makes her so happy
However, we know that at 15 they won’t be together forever and they probably shouldn’t be but when they break up we will miss him and he’s set the standard very very high

allfalldown47 · 20/09/2020 07:51

I have 2 mother in laws because of the relationship I had with my first one!
I was with ex dh from a young age and mil was devastated when we separated. She really did see me as a dd.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your dd and well done for not sharing how you feel with her, mil was very vocal about her devastation at the time and it was a tad embarrassing sometimes Grin

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