DD1 is jealous of me.

[thejealousdd]

Long, complicated family back story.

My mum comes from old money and don't we all just know it. She has an innate sense of entitlement to wealth and has never taken paid employment. Their lives, their lookout.

When DH1 and I split I didn't have much money and I worked incredibly hard to make life comfortable for both of my DDs. I have never asked for nor been given money by my parents.

DD1 has inherited my Mum's high expectations around her standard of living, also without having to work for it herself.

DD1 is married, I gave them money towards a deposit for their first home, so did her in-laws and it isn't a small first home at all.

7 years ago I met DH2. All of our DCs have left home and we live a comfortable lifestyle. Since we moved in together, before we got married DD1 has made catty comments about the amount of money we have. These have escalated and are especially galling because we as a couple are generous with all of our DCs. Now DD1 has started to be overtly unpleasant to me and DH about how much money we have, we aren't at all ostentatious. She is just jealous.

Following a recent lockdown catch up on FaceTime DD started to become angry without provocation, as I tried to calm her she became vicious, talking about money and saying bitchy things about DH in particular. This was unwarranted as he has always been kind to her.

She hasn't spoken to me since that conversation. At the root of this is her jealousy that I have met someone and we live a pleasant life.

I'm going to leave DD to settle for now. My question is: what do I do about this in the longer term?

I don't think there's anything you can do because this is clearly your daughter's problem. You certainly shouldn't tolerate any abuse from her though.

Does your DD have a job? Is her DH well paid?

No DD doesn't have a job. She has a good degree but has never worked, she's in her late 20s.

Her DH does work, he earns a fair wage, not loads but it's not bad either. DD1 puts him under a lot of pressure to earn more, I think this is wrong but I keep this to myself because it's not my marriage. I would never share my opinion with them but I think that she should stop nagging her DH to earn more and find work herself, even if it was part time work.

Do they have children? It must be hard to discover you dislike the person she’s grown up to be.

Why the bloody hell doesn't she work?

How long has she felt she didn’t need to work?

Is she physically and mentally able to work?

I think your daughter is very unhappy and is using you as her punching bag.

She is absolutely physically and mentally able to work, yes.

I'm not sure whether there I have explained the situation well in my OP, I find it difficult to explain what it's like because it's the antithesis of my own expectations for myself. There's a rich seam of entitlement that runs through both my Mum and DD1. Mum raised my siblings and me, regularly does the church flowers, holds lunches and that sort of thing. Stereotypical Englishness.

My DDad is an academic, very well considered in his field. Mum has always made him feel inferior for this.

Remember when Boris said something about women going to uni because they have to have somewhere to meet their future husbands? I've misquoted but that was the gist I find that rhetoric beyond offensive but that is Mum/DD1's type of mentality.

To be fair to DD her DH was an officer in the forces. He is 3 or 4 years older than her. When she left uni she moved in with him so it was difficult to establish a career as they were moving around. However, he left the forces and settled over a year ago and she hasn't tried to find work.

They would like to start a family within a few years but I know they aren't trying now, this isn't an awful case of her having a terrible time trying to conceive and keeping it from me. She was talking to me about contraception recently and planning an expensive long haul holiday, so I really don't think that she's struggling to conceive and hiding it from me either.

She simply has no intention of working. Which is her business, but I don't think I should be blamed for her own perceived lack of affluence if she isn't going to work.

To be clear they are far from poor. They still live in their first home, it is a good sized family home, not a two bed starter home there would be nothing wrong at all with a 2 bed starter home. DD expects to own a home with land, my parents have always owned ponies. DD wants a paddock, horses, dogs etc but she still won't work towards it.

DD1 is angry that I won't ask my parents for money to pass on to her. I don't feel that I should. Heck, she could ask them herself.

I'm not sure that it's really about the money, as PP said I'm her punchbag.

As I write this I do know that these are absolutely first world problems. None of us is poor, I work with families who are often in difficult circumstances so I know what poor looks like and, as I said, I've always worked hard for what I have and tried to instil this in my children.

She is being ridiculous. Ignore her, like you would a toddler having a tantrum.

My mum tells me stories about her jobs when she was young. One of them is hilarious, most are banal, but I like an insight into her life pre me. Could you open up about your jobs at her age? Anecdotes not lectures

I'm in a similar position to your DD, I'v never had a paid job nor is there any expectation on me to ever get one. She's being very rude if I'm honest, my mother remarried who I consider to be an unpleasant man but who appears to make her happy, I bite my tongue because ultimately it is nothing to do with me. Your DD needs a focus in her life, I have DC. I imagine she's living a very lonely and boring life right now especially due to the lockdown. I'd leave things alone and wait for her to approach you. Longer term she will probably settle down once she has a focus, probably DC in her case too.

I take it you've already told her that if she wants that sort of lifestyle then she should work towards it herself? If not, as her mother I think it's ok for you to say this (maybe think of a nice way of putting it!).

I was interested in this comment:

At the root of this is her jealousy that I have met someone and we live a pleasant life.

Doe she have a problem with your DH?

She's not jealous of you. She's just unhappy. Let her be. Don't take it so personally. You live your life and she can live hers. Reduce contact if she pisses you off so much.

You were the one who raised her so not sure why it's your mum's fault that your DD is so spoiled. You might want to look a bit more closely at your role in this, if only to put your mind at ease.

Love51 since they were small I have always told both DDs about the fun, funny, terrible and varied jobs that I've done. I presented working as important, that's true but it's more that I always presented it as another thing to try. I've emphasised that both DDs should take every opportunity, including working. As someone raising daughters I have been very clear about all of the social benefits of working as well as the financial ones.

DD2 is different again, artistic and works in paid employment in order to support her passion. Granted, she has been lucky to have found a paid role that she enjoys though in the past she has done her share of twilight shifts at Asda, summer factory work, those jobs to make her own money.

krispycreme no-one is making DD1 work and yes, she probably is bored in lockdown. Her DH is WFH, she's given the impression that she's very happy that he's there with her, they take plenty of exercise but he could be getting under her feet too.

In DD1's case I think that having DCs of her own will give her a purpose that she possibly needs.

The only problem DD1 has with my DH2 is that he earns a good salary. When joined with mine this has meant that we are enjoying life together. She's never had a good relationship with her own DDad so she could be envious of DH's place in my life PregnantPorcupine. It's that old chestnut that your DCs want to build independent lives for themselves whilst expecting their parents to remain at their beck and call. Any objection to DH will be because he's sharing a happy life with me, envy aside they otherwise get on well together. In normal circumstances DD will ring DH just for a chat. So no, I don't think she dislikes him.

LivingThatLockdownLife I loved my Grandparents and always thought it was important that my own DCs should have a relationship with their own DGPs.

I've never had the money to spoil my DDs. I gave them love, time and attention. They have never been overindulged by me. DD1 in particular loves horses so there was always the pull of spending time with the animals at my parent's house. Of course, I could be wildly wrong but the example I set and reiterated was one of working hard to provide for us. DD1 is reiterating my Mum's rhetoric about not working verbatim.

At my workplace I know not to take things personally. In this instance DD1 was making a personal attack against me, in part because I won't ask my parents for money to fund the lifestyle she wants to adopt. DD1's relationship with my parents is such that she can ask my parents for money herself and they would give it to her.

I bet her DH was expecting her to get a job when they settled and start contributing.
She just expects to be provided for without lifting a finger! Why on earth should your DP's bankroll her laziness?

What would she do if he decided to divorce her?

Following this one with interest OP. My SD is obsessed with passing comment on or questioning the cost of things. Even though the home we live in is mine and bigger than her dad's old house, he's critiqued by her constantly.

Ana she expects life to be handed to her on a plate "you will give me your car when you're done with it" (er, no, we'll part ex it towards the new one)

She has no intention of working (just started uni) but her desire to obsess with money is ridiculous.

Honestly, I couldn't say whether her DH expected DD1 to get a job. If I think about it I would guess that he probably wants to start a family. If DD isn't ready for that then I stand by her right not to be forced to have a child if or when she doesn't want to. Even if she were to volunteer it would broaden her horizons.

DH and I are agreed that if we give money or a gift to one child then we give the equivalent to all.

Honestly, send her a really tacky little girly happy birthday card with a tenner in it and a lolly pop (regardless of whether it's her birthday). She'll get the message, spoiled bint. You could also put in a new pencil case for her first day back living in the real world - she can write out her CV in crayola

...oh and don't forget a My Little Pony for the little princess

She has too much time on her hands and instead of focusing on the things she does and being grateful she spends her time getting worked up about the things she doesn't have. This would make anyone miserable. I know because that was once me.

From now on if your talking to her tell her that money is not a subject your willing to discuss.

OP, I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you seem to be blaming everything on your mother and your daughter and absenting yourself from the equation. You raised this young woman, you have a key part to play here.

If I had to hazard a guess I'd say that money and love became mixed up in your family and your daughter is feeling left-behind because you are loved up and happy with your new husband. Not that that is your fault - of course you should be happy in your new relationship - but she's trying to tell you how she feels in a really muddled way.

She immediately married her husband straight out of uni, who's in the forces, she's moved around the country every year since then and has never had a job? Yeah, she sounds massively isolated for a young person and I wouldn't be happy in that situation either. Not saying she's right to take it out on you when none of this is your fault, but could you try having empathy for your daughter instead of feeling all righteous about her instead?

He might not be expecting her to get a job, my DH doesn't and all life insurance etc is based on me never working. It's a difficult one op, someone could sit me down and talk about all the great times they've had in work and it wouldn't change anything. That motivation and desire for a job has to come from your DD I think. I did a similar thing, got a good degree - could potentially earn lots of money myself. But we moved around a little for DH career and so it never was the right conditions for me to work. Now I feel like it's been so long since graduating and couple with having nothing on my cv I just don't know where to start. She could be like this, it's possibly causing her stress and hence the lashing out.
It'll likely all work itself out, just ease off when conversation turns unpleasant but be there to talk to if she herself is having any real issues e.g. within her marriage or conceiving in the future.

That sounds awful for you OP. But i would leave her to wallow in her own self pity.

I remember once having a similar conversation with my mum when I was early twenties, cant actually remember what triggered it and it was only the once, but it was about the fact that I needed (wanted) a bigger and newer car and was complaining about how me and DH would ever afford a deposit for a reasonably sized first home (shamelessly hinting and utterly entitled, my family arent rich by any means). And I remember my mam shutting me down rather succinctly by pointing out that she has WORKED hard to be able to buy a brand new car, and afford the deposit on her lovely home (way into her 40s mind you and a established career), and when I've worked hard and am at the same stage of life then I will also be able to have the same nice lovely things that she has been able to. And that always resonated with me as it really hammered home that we have to work hard for nice things.
(And I am disabled).

She has plenty of opportunities by the sound of it and good degree. It’s her choice not to work and to desire land / a bigger home etc. I am afraid she sounds very entitled and lazy, maybe she is bored but again that’s of her own making. I know if my husband wasn’t working and making demands about our lifestyle, then l would rapidly become frustrated with her so maybe that is the case.I wouldn’t enter into debates about money with her and as you have said if you give her any money, then all siblings need to get the same. Her being rude about your husband sounds a like tantrum to me, as she wasn’t getting what she wanted