DD1 is jealous of me.

[thejealousdd]

Long, complicated family back story.

My mum comes from old money and don't we all just know it. She has an innate sense of entitlement to wealth and has never taken paid employment. Their lives, their lookout.

When DH1 and I split I didn't have much money and I worked incredibly hard to make life comfortable for both of my DDs. I have never asked for nor been given money by my parents.

DD1 has inherited my Mum's high expectations around her standard of living, also without having to work for it herself.

DD1 is married, I gave them money towards a deposit for their first home, so did her in-laws and it isn't a small first home at all.

7 years ago I met DH2. All of our DCs have left home and we live a comfortable lifestyle. Since we moved in together, before we got married DD1 has made catty comments about the amount of money we have. These have escalated and are especially galling because we as a couple are generous with all of our DCs. Now DD1 has started to be overtly unpleasant to me and DH about how much money we have, we aren't at all ostentatious. She is just jealous.

Following a recent lockdown catch up on FaceTime DD started to become angry without provocation, as I tried to calm her she became vicious, talking about money and saying bitchy things about DH in particular. This was unwarranted as he has always been kind to her.

She hasn't spoken to me since that conversation. At the root of this is her jealousy that I have met someone and we live a pleasant life.

I'm going to leave DD to settle for now. My question is: what do I do about this in the longer term?

This is so odd. She's putting herself in such a vulnerable situation. If her husband left her, she'd really struggle.

What on earth does she do all day? She doesn't have the money to indulge herself all the time. She won't be meeting any other women her age who don't work. Her friends must think she's spoiled and completely nuts for not working.

I would just say to her, "How do you expect to have nice things if you don't work? I go to work every day. My husband works every day. Why should we go to work just to give you money when you are fit and well?"

And forces wives do work, often when they have children as well.

I would stick to birthday and Christmas presents for all the children now, rather than money. I certainly wouldn't give her money for anything - she needs to feel the need to work.

I would just respond to her comments by saying 'Yes, it's the nice that we can afford these things but we've both had to work hard for them'.

It does sound like she has inherited your mum's sense of entitlement and that she takes out her frustations on you. I think you should make it clear to her that you won't accept the role of emotional punchbag and that if she is unhappily then she needs to do something for herself to change things. You can also make it clear that you'd support her to do so but not by bankrolling her.

She sounds vile!!

It must be galling for you that she's so like your mum.
I'd keep my distance from them both. Let them get on with it.

Late 20s? She’s not young and she’s long since stopped being a child who OP can be held responsible for. She has another parent, grandparents, friends etc all of which will have shaped her. Saying op is responsible being a brat on this occasion is nonsense - mothers are blamed far too much for grown children’s actions.

Leave her to calm down and try and put it out if your mind op. You aren’t willing (rightly) to try and facilitate her landed gentry dreams so all you can do is hope she gets over this.

I'm in a similar position to your DD, I've never had a paid job nor is there any expectation on me to ever get one.

Why krispycreme? Does it not make you feel vulnerable?

OP, I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you seem to be blaming everything on your mother and your daughter and absenting yourself from the equation. You raised this young woman, you have a key part to play here

But the other DD doesn’t have the same sense of entitlement, and I assume they were both brought up the same. I agree with other comments that she needs to understand that if she wants the money to buy nice things she needs to work for it. How is she not bored?

This is a very strange situation. Her trajectory would have been entirely normal in the 1930s, when marriage was a job in itself for middle class women. But the world has changed and she is like a relic of a bygone era. You can't blame her grandparents. We all have grandparents who come from different times and values - if I had listened to one of mine I would be taking a nap after lunch (she was doing so in her forties!), not allowing my husband to make even a cup of tea for himself and disagreeing with female ordination, which was the only time I heard her express an opinion.

Like others I do wonder what role you had to play in this situation.
Did you make life a little bit too comfortable for her? Did you over-state the enjoyment side of growing up, rather than the need to take on commensurate levels of responsibility?

I understand that she married straight out of university, but what would she do during the long vacations? How would the day be spent? And why on earth did she never work on the base as a civilian when her DH was in the forces? I have been to RAF bases and that is not unusual. Or was that sheer snobbery - can't be seen to be doing admin if she is Mrs Squadron Leader Bloggs?

Sorry, but you need to bite the bullet and have a firm talk to her including the words 'job', 'employment', 'independence' and 'pension'.

@ginfordinner I don't know why truthfully. I'v done postgraduate study and training for a specific job but my brain just feels completely burnt out (I do have a learning difficultly). I suppose I also have self doubt as to whether I'd actually be any good at said job too. I don't feel particularly vulnerable as I know that I could get a job and I also have separate money from DH (as well as access to a joint account currently).

Your daughter is lazy. There has always been somebody to finance her so she has never been motivated to earn her own money. You can’t cure laziness.

Wasn't expecting the number of replies, I'll answer some questions.

I've been around MN long enough to have seen plenty of threads where the OP is a sentence or two, as the thread progresses more information comes out so the poster is accused of drip feeding. My OP was intentionally long to avoid that and I wrote all of the explanation about my parents because it contextualises DD1's expectations and where they come from.

To give an example; in some families there would be an expectation that DD1 would stay at home and not work because of our religious beliefs. That's not the case here.

As PPs have pointed out DD1 is an adult who is able to make independent decisions.

Absolutely, I've made mistakes as a parent, find me one who hasn't, but taking full responsibility for my role in their lives has never been a criticism that anyone could level at me, not now and not in the past.

One PP pointed out that women are always blamed for any child rearing problem. Neither of my DDs have seen their DDad for more than a decade, our matrimonial split had been years before and was as amicable as it could have been. Amongst all of the missed Christmases and birthdays he didn't come to DD1's, either DD's graduation. There was no falling out, he just stopped contacting them one day. Now I'm sure that someone is going to pop up and tell me how bitter I am about that and I must be taking that out on DD1, I'm not bitter though obviously I do feel angry on their behalf - who wouldn't? DD2 in particular was devastated by it. It's not something I talk about with them unless they bring it up, when they do I am at pains not to blame him, I just listen.

With that in mind I think it's possible that DD2 is subconsciously panicked that I am happily married and therefore I too will leave her and money is the stick she is using to beat me with.

I've more to say I'll start another post to answer more questions.

SIL and DD met and started going out together at school.

SIL is from a force's family. That he would join the forces was an expectation, his degree was sponsored so he had to be in for a length of time as part of that agreement. He had a specialised role, did two big tours but really I think it just wasn't for him. His younger DBrother is still an officer, as he holds a higher rank than SIL did SIL is expected to salute his DB whenever they see each other.

SIL's family expectation I think is that wives don't work. I'm guessing that's his perspective too. I have no idea what would happen if DD was divorced, tbh I try not to think about it.

Absolutely, force's wives can work. One of my friends is a former force's wife and she worked all the way through.

What does DD do all day? Their house is spotless, she walks their dog, helps out with the horses at my parent's, she has a few friends from school and uni days she sees. The rest of the time I have no idea.

When it comes to us and money this is what DH and I will pay for, all the DCs know this:

• Money towards a first home deposit. The same amount for each DC. DD1, DD2 and DSC1 have had theirs already.
• First car, same car or equivalent value put into an ISA or pension.
• Birthday and Christmas present.
• One family holiday a year for all of us, including DSCs, all partners and future DCs. Either a shared big holiday home or neighbouring villas. If they choose not to come that's their choice, we don't give them cash instead. This is in lieu of a family Christmas because the logistics of trying to get them all together on Christmas Day are way beyond military planning.

They don't know this but we also plan to start pensions for any Grandchildren because there probably won't be state pensions when our notional Grandchildren are older.

One final word on money and my own parents. Since I was a small child my parents have held our inheritance as a loaded gun to our heads ie if you do x for us now you'll inherit y. My siblings, one in particular, are more susceptible to this than I am. I always took this as a clear signal to make my own way in life. So I did.

This isn't your fault, OP. She's a grown ass adult, and choosing to be lazy and entitled. Tell her that you will not discuss money or the cost of things with her at all any more. Shut down those types of conversations immediately. Tell her she can work if she wants luxuries. Don't put up with her tantrums. Draw a boundary and stick to it. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Was there any reason why you never prompted her to get a vacation job, as it seems that your DD1 must have been out working from a fairly early age? What did she do when she was home from university in the summer?

It sounds as if you had a tough journey as a single parent, but it also sounds as if she never really got into the habit of working. Looking after horses that belong to the family may be 'hard work', but it is not the same as actually working!

Even if her husband is happy to support her at the moment I suspect that she will need to work at some point in the future: will his salary and pension contributions really support both of them for their entire lifetimes? He may be a good earner, but do the sums actually add up?

My advice would be to find some guarded but useful phrase that you can use whenever she raises the subject of money: 'Have you considered trying to increase your household income?' could fit the bill. Just use it each time, without emotion.

Whenever she is mean about cash or wants you to approach your parents ask if she’s considered working as a means to improve her financial situation

Or have a proper discussion explaining you're concerned about her not working and what this means long term in terms of financial independence, feeling fulfilled, making friends. It might be that’s she’s envious that you have a vocation and direction. If she’s not got a strong friendship group and consuming hobbies she might be quite lonely and bored. But also she might not know how to get her foot in the door or be confident enough? Maybe voluntary work linked to her degree subject might be positive?

You know what op, time to stop hand wringing and let her be
If she wants a life of ease but less money, that's up to her and her husband

You need to step back and let her smell the coffee. If she's badgering you to ask your parents for money tell her to do it. If she's complaining you have a nice life, smile and say yes it's great.

You've raised her, now let her go.

Why can't your DD ask her grandparents for money directly?

I don't understand why she wants you to ask them

I know a woman aged around thirty five who is financed by her parents. They bought her a house and she stopped working a number of years ago. Over lockdown she built a bar in her garden and has neighbour's round. I guess her normal life is no different to lockdown

For me personally I need the routine of work, getting up at a certain time each day. I would feel like a bum just dossing around the house all day. It wouldn't be good for my mental health. I think your daughter needs to find a purpose in her life