My 23 year old son moved out yesterday. I knew it was coming. His older brother moved out 4 years ago and that was really sad for me but I got used to it, I still had this one. I have been a single parent for most of their lives, their Dad died 10 years ago, we weren't together but I have always put them first and never bothered with a relationship for myself.
The younger one has always been more like my little mate. we did all sorts together, always played games, visited places. watched films and I always felt I was closer to him , maybe because he had been the baby? Nothing was ever too much trouble for him and he always made me feel better about myself. They both do.
Anyway he told me 6 months ago he wanted to go and I was devastated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a clingy Mum, I think I've done a great job with both of them but I thought I would have had him a little longer and I started to get scared about being on my own. I even joined a couple of dating sites in January ( at the suggestion of my oldest son) but apart from a couple of weirdos and a coffee with someone who was more Partridge than Alan, no one is interested in a 51 year old woman. My friends can't understand why I am alone, though it has been by choice for the majority of it but I think I'm too late to the game now, my best years are gone in bringing up my sons.
Yesterday after we took his bed, which felt very symbolic as we have been moving loads of other stuff all week, I came back to the house , blasted the music up loud and transformed the room which was once his gaming head quarters into a lovely office / craft/ sewing room. I managed it in 4 hours, I switched off he music and then the loneliness hit me like a tidal wave...... I have been sobbing on and off since. The rooms have echoes and this only enhances the emptiness of the house and how I feel inside. He also helped me out money wise with the bills and rent so now I am literally on my backside and will struggle to get through each month...... I can survive on little to eat but I crave company and knowing someone is there. I locked every door early, last night as I am scared of being on my own, I have never lived by myself in my whole life and am sitting here crying asking myself ' What do I do now?'
My son has just text saying how he still needs to get some things for his flat and it took all my determination not to answer with asking him to come back. I didn't but I really wanted to and I know it wouldn't be fair to him. I know I have to let him go and all I ever wanted for both of them is to be happy, which I believe they are but I am so sad and lonely and can't stop crying. I just don't know where to turn. I was supposed to go and visit my mother today but I have called off as I feel like I can't leave the house as I keep crying at the mere sight of something reminding me of my son, he hasn't even moved that far away but at this moment, nothing can fill the void he has left behind. This feels like a death and I think I am grieving that they don't need me anymore after I have devoted my life to them.
Sorry if my post has gone on a bit but I can't talk to anyone about this without turning into a blubbering mess. I hold quite a responsible job in a school and am on half term at the moment which is just as well as I wouldn't be able to cope.