My Son moved out and I'm devastated....

[chapman154]

My 23 year old son moved out yesterday. I knew it was coming. His older brother moved out 4 years ago and that was really sad for me but I got used to it, I still had this one. I have been a single parent for most of their lives, their Dad died 10 years ago, we weren't together but I have always put them first and never bothered with a relationship for myself.

The younger one has always been more like my little mate. we did all sorts together, always played games, visited places. watched films and I always felt I was closer to him , maybe because he had been the baby? Nothing was ever too much trouble for him and he always made me feel better about myself. They both do.

Anyway he told me 6 months ago he wanted to go and I was devastated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a clingy Mum, I think I've done a great job with both of them but I thought I would have had him a little longer and I started to get scared about being on my own. I even joined a couple of dating sites in January ( at the suggestion of my oldest son) but apart from a couple of weirdos and a coffee with someone who was more Partridge than Alan, no one is interested in a 51 year old woman. My friends can't understand why I am alone, though it has been by choice for the majority of it but I think I'm too late to the game now, my best years are gone in bringing up my sons.

Yesterday after we took his bed, which felt very symbolic as we have been moving loads of other stuff all week, I came back to the house , blasted the music up loud and transformed the room which was once his gaming head quarters into a lovely office / craft/ sewing room. I managed it in 4 hours, I switched off he music and then the loneliness hit me like a tidal wave...... I have been sobbing on and off since. The rooms have echoes and this only enhances the emptiness of the house and how I feel inside. He also helped me out money wise with the bills and rent so now I am literally on my backside and will struggle to get through each month...... I can survive on little to eat but I crave company and knowing someone is there. I locked every door early, last night as I am scared of being on my own, I have never lived by myself in my whole life and am sitting here crying asking myself ' What do I do now?'

My son has just text saying how he still needs to get some things for his flat and it took all my determination not to answer with asking him to come back. I didn't but I really wanted to and I know it wouldn't be fair to him. I know I have to let him go and all I ever wanted for both of them is to be happy, which I believe they are but I am so sad and lonely and can't stop crying. I just don't know where to turn. I was supposed to go and visit my mother today but I have called off as I feel like I can't leave the house as I keep crying at the mere sight of something reminding me of my son, he hasn't even moved that far away but at this moment, nothing can fill the void he has left behind. This feels like a death and I think I am grieving that they don't need me anymore after I have devoted my life to them.
Sorry if my post has gone on a bit but I can't talk to anyone about this without turning into a blubbering mess. I hold quite a responsible job in a school and am on half term at the moment which is just as well as I wouldn't be able to cope.

[Superangry]

PoppyNala I truly feel for you it is definitely not easy initially but as time goes on it does get easier . I haven’t seen my youngest since August even though he lives 10/15 minutes away, this is due to him living in his gf parents house and the offer to visit him has not been extended to my son’s family, believe me if it was I’d be there like a shot !!!! I have to contain myself with the fact that he will hopefully visit us soon but until then I have my work friends other children but it still not the same I miss him terribly.
Take care and look after yourself x

[ssd]

Im facing this next year

[PoppyNala]

I was reading your 1st message whilst crying my eyes out as my son is about to leave home this week. Our stories are identical. He is leaving this week and today it hit me as if someone smashed a brick in my face. I have to learn to let him live his life and become independent, and I really want this for him, and just never knew I would feel like this! Im devastated. As he walked out the door to go out for the evening, he knew I was trying to hide the sadness and hugged me, he is always so concerned, looking out for me and making sure I am ok. My connection with my youngest, just like yours is one of friendship, love, and genuine care, besties. I knew this time would come one day I just never faced it, never prepped myself for the grief that I'm feeling., and he hasn't even actually left yet. It's a real thing, I found out today that it is called 'Empty nest syndrome'. I'm literally broken. I'm trying to keep it together in front of him, as I don't want him to feel guilty, I want him to feel supported. I wish I had spent so much more time with him. I'm feeling incredibly regretful, as a single mum, I have had to work so hard to keep us together as a family with no support. If perhaps I didn't have to work I could have spent so much more time with all my children, but I have been so tired at times. I have spoken to another friend who has told me how she felt for a very long time after her son left, so I know what is to come! I'm not looking forward to this at all! Everyone, my close friends and some family would take the Micky saying how I would be when this time would come, and I would play it down, but they were absolutely right! I can't articulate myself very well atm. My heart actually hurts ...

[suepanayi]

So sorry to read your post , iam going through exactly the same emotions and its so painfull my boy is also moving out , our relationship has been so connected and has always called me mate we would listen to the most amazing songs and he would take me out for coffee i love him so much but i know he has to go and the pain is unberable i think we all have different ways of dealing with life and i believe its so ok to feel this way ,dont feel its wrong i think your sons are very lucky to have such a caring mum ,time will heal take care of yourself your boys will always need you

[Superangry]

Absolutely nothing happened, we were all good, I was in the loo he packed his stuff up and just went !!! Never even said he was moving out until I phoned and asked him wat was going on

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

@Superangry

Am beyond devastated my 21 year old son moved out last night into his girlfriend and parents house. I’ve never met her or them, they’ve been together roughly 6 months. I can’t stop crying someone plz help

I'm so sorry @Superangry. That must be so hard for you.

Did anything happen before the move or did he say he was unhappy?

[Superangry]

Am beyond devastated my 21 year old son moved out last night into his girlfriend and parents house. I’ve never met her or them, they’ve been together roughly 6 months. I can’t stop crying someone plz help

[Tudorfish]

@Rompers71

It might be a good idea to start a new thread as this is over a year old. A thread of your own might attract more replies.

All the best.

[Rompers71]

I get you totally and I am in the same situation my youngest who is 21 will be moving out on the 4th August and I’m finding it very hard … I love my sons being around and I still feel he is too young to go. I think we all live for tou our kids as I did absolutely everything for him. I haven’t even met his gf which I find strange as he keeps saying I will eventually that hurts a lot as he has had a good upbringing.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

@chapman154 I've seen that your thread has been revived and I was wondering how you're getting on now?

[Ladybug14]

Have you talked to your son? Told him how proud you are of what he's done in his life and what he's achieved? I'd suggest a coffee every month either at yours or his or a lovely coffee house when you can catch up. Or a meal out?

I think making the effort to keep in touch with him will be really valued

[ssd]

Nothing wrong with how you feel

[Bentao6]

My adult son 28 is leaving home Friday or Saturday and I have found myself absolutely devastated, just cannot stop crying … I know it’s the right thing and I do totally believe that, but my god it’s painful !!
He went to uni and then moved back home when he finished in order to save money for a deposit. He has bought a lovely flat and I am very proud of him, but equally I am scared that I will never see him. He will be approximately 6 miles away, so no distance but calling in will never be an option and he has a very busy life, working full time and playing football for two teams. He drives past his dads house ( well the town that it’s in ) to get to football training and home matches and has always called in for an hour or so on the way. I haven’t spent loads of time with him in recent years, more a passing in the kitchen and sharing a couple of meals a week and I’ve always been aware ( and pathetically envious ) that his father spends far more time with him than I ever have. I did wake him with a coffee every morning and make his lunch ( again pathetic I know but it gave me some contact ).
I know I have an issue with rejection and people leaving me ( childhood stuff, relationships ) and recognise I am having an over reaction to this and that most people would be happy to only occasionally see their adult children, but equally I don’t know what to do to make it easier.
Anyway for reference I am 61, no partner and only a couple of friends, neither of which can even vaguely relate to how I’m feeling.

I’m happy to be told to man up and get a life …. not least because I realise I am being pathetic, but it does at least help to share my feelings.

[DontLookTwice]

I have a friend in a very similar position . She is devastated too, but beginning to pick up the pieces and adjust. It's really hard for her during lockdown as she's at home all day on her own and no date to go back to work.
You sound like you have a great relationship with both your sons, that is a massive achievement. They will come back for dinner, maybe stay overnight, and bring their partners back to meet you. Look forward to the future. It will gradually take shape and you will find new ways forward, this is just a hard time of adjustment and grieving. It will pass.

[Daisy12Maisie]

How about fostering? A sibling group maybe if you have more than one spare room. Worthwhile and would pay the Bill's.

[Ibizafun]

Sorry I missed your last post.. enjoy!

[Ibizafun]

You have two amazing boys who love you and always will. Now you have time to be selfish. It’s a really strange feeling to think they don’t need you.. but they still do, and will always, just in a different way. I cannot stress how lucky you are to have such a lovely relationship with your sons. It’s still very early days..

[Geneshish]

Lovely. Not being fussed about where it leads and just enjoying the evening for what it is is a brilliant mindset for dating.

[ssd]

Enjoy your coffee out and ds1 moving in again.

[Waitingfordennis]

You sound lovely as do your boys sending much love and strength xxx

[purpleme12]

You are being so good getting out meeting people. I find that really hard

[chapman154]

Hi all

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make anyone cry, I was just so upset last week. I have now had a week to contemplate where I am going and what I am doing. I must admit that the week got easier as it went along.

My oldest came for tea last Thursday evening and asked if he could return home for 6 months to save up to travel around South America.... I was and am gobsmacked. He said he was waiting for the youngest to go to ask and that he can help with rent while he is saving. I have agreed and he moves in in about a months time.
Of course then I will be on here either moaning about him being back or that I'm worrying about where he is in the big bad world.

The other one seems to be doing just fine without me, which I knew he would. With reference to the dating, I am meeting someone for a coffee later this evening. I am not fussed whether it leads onto anything, it will just be nice to get out and talk to someone for an hour or so.

Thanks so much for your replies and advice, It's much apprecaited.

[CanNotSeeTheWoodForTheTrees]

Hold on the the fact that you have raised 2 children into well adjusted men.

My eldest moved out a couple of years ago and I'm dreading my youngest (and last child leaving in the next year or so) so I feel your pain !

[DisgruntledGuineaPig]

OP - hope you are feeling more positive.

I would agree a lodger might be a good idea for you.

[purpleme12]

This post made me cry

I don't know what to advise but I feel for you