His adult children are just awful people

[Noisykate]

Sorry, long anonymous rant. I need to get this off my chest.
Partner and I have been together for 12 years, and were both divorced when we met. I have 3 adult children 32, 30 and 28, who are all decent human beings, making their own way on life. His two are 25 and 21. 25 yr old failed uni, and now has a job in london paying about £30k. Has student debts of about £30k, is paying off legal minimum only. He lives with grandma (partners mum) because it works for them both (we have been away, abroad, for 5 years) but pays no rent. He saves very little, goes on holiday a lot, buys nice clothes, and in every respect is a stereotypical "entitled millennial". He had a rant over christmas about "stupid poor people" who stay in "fucking lousy jobs in retail and demand social security help" because they are "too lazy" to get anything better. "How are they being exploited? They are just stupid. Zero-hours contracts are just for students and immigrants".
22 yr old is at uni, doing ok but obviously managing on very little money.
I try to be objective about them both, but increasingly am struggling because they are both just such horrible people.
The daughter is 22, and lives with her mum. We send her a bit of money for uni every week (as we did for the son). For most of the last 12 years, she has rarely bothered to answer my partners calls, and only rings when she wants (extra) money.
My partner obviously loves them, and I suspect feels guilty that he walked out when they were younger (his ex-wife was working her way through a long list of lovers, with very little discretion).

I'm just sick of being expected to contribute financially (we have a joint account and only a modest income) when they are both such shits.

The most recent final straw - they jointly got my partner a half-bottle of whisky for Christmas. What's that? £15? I got jack, not even a mention in the Christmas card.
I dont expect lavish presents, but to get absolutely no acknowledgement like this I feel is a calculated insult. A nice bar of soap or a small potted plant would have been plenty.
My partner has either not noticed or is pretending it's not a problem.
His daughter is coming round today, for help fixing her car (which I helped pay for). I'm planning to leave as soon as she gets here, and will thank her sweetly for her lovely present on the way out.
Anybody have any better ideas?

I'm just sick of their entitled, grasping selfishness. Increasingly, I blame my partner for their behaviour, as he is completely unable to challenge them about anything, ever. It is increasingly causing a big problem, at present exacerbated by our need to draw up wills. The thought of his grasping, selfish children demanding their pound of flesh - and way more - if anything happened to either of us is just awful, and makes rational conversation between the two of us difficult.

How has your DP helped you in building a relationship with them? Its not right to absolve him of any duties to help here.

Tbh you sound too far gone anyway to make this right. Your comments seem venomous. But think carefully about what your DP hasn't done to help here. It sounds like he's done nothing. Is he content for the relationships to be this bitter? Does everyone put him on a pedestal. You sure this is the man for you?

You need to cut them some slack. Your comments are just nasty, and you should like a nasty stepmother. . You have already said your children are older, and I assume that you have been divorced/separated from their father for some time? You don’t mention their relationship with their father but I assume it’s ok? He didn’t go abroad for five years?

His children being much younger when he got together with you (12 and 9) meant they saw their father living with another woman and her three children ( was the oldest at 20 still at home,? The others would be 18 and 16 and still at home?) and at 13 and 9 that’s an impressionable age, how nice were you to them then? Then they see him disappear abroad with you for five years when they were 20 and 16 and your partner probably feels guilty about that hence his response to his children now.

If you don’t want to contribute financially then get your salary paid into a sole account and transfer across enough for your portion of the bills and let him pay everything else. If you don’t want to see the children then go out, but then don’t get pissed off when they are rude to you in the future. You are the adult here, you came into their life at a difficult time, their father in effect left them twice, once when he split from their mother and then again when he went abroad, he wasn’t around don’t you get that? And how often did he see then when you got together?

As regards the wills I don’t see the issue, everything is split 50/50 , he leaves his to his kids, you leave yours to yours.

You say your children are nice, but you would wouldn’t you,

You clearly don’t like his DC, resent paying for them and judge them harshly.

Other than the 25 year old’s immature remarks, they don’t sound too bad to me.

It's odd, because by leaving the country the ops partner essentially became an absent parent, only providing (pressumably) financial support.

Now op is pissed off that, that's how they see him. No real relationship apart from a financial aspect.

OP did you get to used to his kids, simply not being around (a concept rather than real people) and are now struggling that you actually have to see them?

Oh and seperate finances. Never join finances with someone if you are going to resent them giving their own money to their kids, because you see it as yours.

Never join finances with someone if you are going to resent them giving their own money to their kids, because you see it as your

That is such sensible advice to all step families.

Make sure you leave your pensions to your children, or they will become his, and his children will collect.

It’s absolutely no business what he spends his wages on! Why would you think it is? And why are you angry about student debt? Ffs you sound very snooty

Do you contribute to your children financially?

*no business of yours

To be fair, I think the OP mentioned the basic repayment of student debt to make it clear that he doesn't have many pressures on his £30k income. Not as a criticism that he doesn't somehow pay more.

I wonder what they think of you OP?

Dear blouse and skirt
Exactly, yes. Thank you.

I am truly stunned by the number of people saying that ss's comments and behaviour are "pretty normal". Wow. I know lovely millennials who are as appalled as I am by his comments and attitude.

Of course I havent given the "whole story" - it was a snapshot, while i was upset. Thanks to those who recognised that, and made helpful suggestions and perspectives.
To those suggesting that this my ss's behaviour and attitudes are "normal": if that's your normal and you're ok with that - that's really sad. Dont know what else to say.

I don't think all of their behaviour is OK...but , I wonder what they think of you.
Living abroad with their Dad when they were younger must have made them resent and blame you, however, unfairly...maybe.

Your stepson does sound like he has awful views but honestly you don't sounds great either.

If you display even a fraction of the hostility you've shown here, it's no surprise you have no relationship with them. Add that to the fact that their dad walked out and left them with what sounds like a really selfish mum and then lived abroad for years, it doesn't sound like they've had great role models.

I get that we don't have the full story but a lot of what you have said about them seems pretty standard.

Ranting on about entitled millennials just makes you sound judgy and bitter.

The will issue isn't that hard. Split your assets down the middle then you each divide your half as you wish between your own kids. Has your partner expressed a desire to do it some other way?

How about instead of funding each others children you do it separately, as this is a source of resentment for you. Other than that, they're adults now, their choices are their own and it's not your business.

OP pretty much everyone who's commented on your step sons rant said it wasn't nice. So what do you mean by yourbdig about pitying people who think that's normal. What exact behaviours are you referring to?

Your SS rant was not nice but equally sounds like an insecure young man trying to make himself feel bigger and better about himself by putting others down. Not great but a sign of immaturity rather than anything else. I can recall saying some things in my 20s that make me cringe now, but it was all about trying to cover up how insecure and worthless I felt.

The rest...meh.

OP, your posts say more about you than you know.

Anything to say about DP and his role or lack thereof in this?

To be honest anything you've said about 21 year old DS apart from a student struggling with money doesn't make him sound nasty. Why don't you like him?

Sorry I mean DD. Bit confused as you said 21 and later 22 in same post so I got the gender wrong haha

She doesn't sound that bad but grabby for sure. Although never nice to feel used though but prob feels she's entitled to it given her dad left the country when she was at a young ish age.

The effect of guilt upon children. The parents over compensate then before you know it- spoiled brats! Just stop the payments. They are too old to receive that sort of money now anyway!

If your DH dies his money should go to his children in my opinion. Just as if you died your money should to go to your children.

Just stop the payments. They are too old to receive that sort of money now anyway!

That's not the ops decision and plenty of parents pay for kids to go through uni.