His adult children are just awful people

[Noisykate]

Sorry, long anonymous rant. I need to get this off my chest.
Partner and I have been together for 12 years, and were both divorced when we met. I have 3 adult children 32, 30 and 28, who are all decent human beings, making their own way on life. His two are 25 and 21. 25 yr old failed uni, and now has a job in london paying about £30k. Has student debts of about £30k, is paying off legal minimum only. He lives with grandma (partners mum) because it works for them both (we have been away, abroad, for 5 years) but pays no rent. He saves very little, goes on holiday a lot, buys nice clothes, and in every respect is a stereotypical "entitled millennial". He had a rant over christmas about "stupid poor people" who stay in "fucking lousy jobs in retail and demand social security help" because they are "too lazy" to get anything better. "How are they being exploited? They are just stupid. Zero-hours contracts are just for students and immigrants".
22 yr old is at uni, doing ok but obviously managing on very little money.
I try to be objective about them both, but increasingly am struggling because they are both just such horrible people.
The daughter is 22, and lives with her mum. We send her a bit of money for uni every week (as we did for the son). For most of the last 12 years, she has rarely bothered to answer my partners calls, and only rings when she wants (extra) money.
My partner obviously loves them, and I suspect feels guilty that he walked out when they were younger (his ex-wife was working her way through a long list of lovers, with very little discretion).

I'm just sick of being expected to contribute financially (we have a joint account and only a modest income) when they are both such shits.

The most recent final straw - they jointly got my partner a half-bottle of whisky for Christmas. What's that? £15? I got jack, not even a mention in the Christmas card.
I dont expect lavish presents, but to get absolutely no acknowledgement like this I feel is a calculated insult. A nice bar of soap or a small potted plant would have been plenty.
My partner has either not noticed or is pretending it's not a problem.
His daughter is coming round today, for help fixing her car (which I helped pay for). I'm planning to leave as soon as she gets here, and will thank her sweetly for her lovely present on the way out.
Anybody have any better ideas?

I'm just sick of their entitled, grasping selfishness. Increasingly, I blame my partner for their behaviour, as he is completely unable to challenge them about anything, ever. It is increasingly causing a big problem, at present exacerbated by our need to draw up wills. The thought of his grasping, selfish children demanding their pound of flesh - and way more - if anything happened to either of us is just awful, and makes rational conversation between the two of us difficult.

If you’ve been together 12 years they were young teenagers, or even younger, when you got together. Your children were much older teenagers or young adults. I’d imagine there’s a lot going on for all of them emotionally in terms of family dynamics as their childhood drastically changed when all this happened. Your children were likely already at uni etc. I’d give them a break. Maybe just accept you don’t like each other very much.

Apart from the son’s comments, none of it sounds too unusual. And as others have suggested, student loan comes straight out of your salary as a percentage- hardly anyone I know pays more.

You don’t like them which is fair enough.

But objectively, they really don’t sound that bad. Certainly not deserving of this level of vitriol. Hardly anyone pays more than the minimum off their student loan. And its not uncommon for young people to live rent free with family members. My mum and dad didn’t charge me rent when I lived with them for a bit after uni. And in any case, what business is this of yours? It’s for them to sort out with the people they live with. It’s also usual for parents to pay for adult children at university. This will be expected and it calculated into the amount of loan they get. None of the above makes them ‘utterly spoiled and indulged’. It was normal in my circle and we’re all functioning adults.

£15 for a present for a parent is fine. Did your partner like it? I’m not sure why you’re so outraged on his behalf. As for not getting you anything, why would they? I bet it’s bloody obvious you don’t like them and I personally wouldn’t be shelling out cash for someone who blatantly dislikes me.

Dear mintymabel
"....lazy way to describe people". No, it's a reasonable shorthand. I'm not writing a book.
Yes, I do keep my comments to myself. My "rant" on here was letting off steam.

If you were both abroad for five years is there an underlying (not very deeply!) resentment about that? Perhaps they haven’t got to know you at all well or blame you for taking their dad away at a pretty crucial stage in their lives?

Sure they don’t sound nice but honestly we could all look back and cringe at some silly things we said at that age.

Perhaps you need to really try to get to know them on an adult level, with your partner’s help. It’s either that, ignore them altogether or continue to have a poor relationship.

Don’t make the PA remarks about presents. Instead make her regret her meanness by being nice. Certainly no need to give more cash though for no other reason than you don’t want to.

Walking into a £30k job with no degree is pretty good going really!

I don’t think they have done anything that bad for you to call them all that with such vitriol.

I work with young people with challenging behaviours and while I agree the job comments are out of order and they could have for you a present, they sound pretty average. Also as they get older they might change their attitudes and become more aware of how some people have to live/work.

It also stood out for me how you and their father have been abroad for five years. They are likely to have resentment over that and probably directed towards you.

I think you are overreacting

Their dad hasnt been around alot. The majority of support he has given is financial. Not surprising that's what they turn to him for. The oldest sounds b about up himself and the younger seems to just be adding by their current status quo.

I can't believe after 12 years you haven't had a converstation about inheritences.

And wether they are decent people or kot has no impact on that so not really relevant.

You dont like them, we dont like everyone. Let your dp crack on and step back. Dont get involved with them.

Your dh sounds awful. Maybe your Dsc are just copying him?

just setting the scene that he is utterly spoilt, indulged, and has absolutely no incentive to understand that not everyone is in the same position.

Then set up your finances so that your money doesn't go towards his children

And set up your wills so that your money and half of your house goes to your children and none to his children

Other than that there's nothing you can do

I'd go low or no contact

Dear purplemonkey
Yes, you're right, I just dont like them. I have tried, and keep trying. Summarising 12 years in a few paragraphs is an obvious impossibility, and comes out skewed and overly harsh.
Dear twoonebravo- £15 is fine. None of my business what they spend. But spending £15 while demanding £80 after-shave in return - really?

They didn't get you a present.
The older one is staying with family in an arrangement that suits all.concerned. They have managed to overcome dropping out of uni and have managed to get a decent job. They express some immature and uncompassionate views. They are repaying their debt.
The younger one doesn't have much money. They are a student.

Neither are very close to the parent who walked out on them. They got him a small Christmas present.

Is that everything? You are right, what monsters. I'm sure your passive aggressive approach to the lack of a present will show them how grown-ups behave.

12 years being treated like shit? The youngest was 9 when you got together if she’s 21 now and at uni - how unsurprising is it if she wasn’t your biggest fan when you started seeing her father when she was that age?

It feels like you are expecting his children to have the same reaction to your relationship as your relatively children do. Has it always been this difficult between you all?

You say you don't want to disinherit them, but in your op you said: " The thought of his grasping, selfish children demanding their pound of flesh - and way more ..."

Do you realise how horrible that sounds?

It isn't their "pound of flesh", it's what they are entitled to as his children, and since you and your partner are not married they would likely get it if they challenged his will in the courts.

Did they ask for the aftershave, or did they demand it?

I don't think they sound that bad other than the zero hours comment which is horrid and massively immature. But more interesting, perhaps, is your judgement of them both. Not finishing uni, not paying back student loans more than required to, not calling a father you have a difficult relationship with, not spending more than a token amount on a present for a father you have a difficult relationship with are not things to judge really. But you are really, really judging them and I doubt that this does not show when you meet them. I think the issue may actually be more yours. I don't want to be mean but I do wonder whether you can work through some things so as to be a little less controlling of them. This will probably help the relationship to develop in a more positive direction, which ultimately is I think what you would like.

You don't like them. They don't like you.

Dear matildatgecat
Please move next door so I can hear the voice of reason every time they wind me up. Yes, you're right - i'll just be nice.

The comments about poor people are vile, bit other than that nothing you have described seems that bad. So the older one prefers holidays to saving.. lots of people do. And the younger one doesn't return her dad's calls.. I'm not sure if feel that close to my dad if he'd left the country for 5 years when I was 17 and only just returned. Maybe your own children are angels and your standards are too high?

Unless there is a lot of other stuff you’ve not mentioned, they don’t seem that bad. The comments made by the man about poor people were awful, but it sounds like you just really dislike them. They were very young when you and dh got together (compared to your own dc) and it sounds like you’ve never warmed to them, even as children, which they have picked up on.

I also think that going abroad for a few years will have inevitably affected relationships. I actually feel a bit sorry for them after reading your comments. You are looking for things to criticise and comparing them to your wonderful children.

They sound utterly normal to me. Whereas you sound a bit unhinged . I'm also wondering why you are criticising the student loan situation when you have children who must have been in the same situation surely? Or do you? I do get that you don't like them and i can understand why they don't like you. But being so accusatory of their mother for having numerous lovers ( really?) when you went off with the father?

He's their dad. He doesn't expect expensive presents from them. In my twenties, my dad would give me a hundred quid or so and I would spend about 15 on him. He hates us spending our money on him.

You hate his kids and his ex, and they know this

They were abandoned by their dad and their mum was focused on new boyfriends. You both left did 5 years and one DC moved in with h granny, they were both happy with this set up yet you are bitter that DC did not pay gran rent? Why? They were both happy with the set up. What is it to you?

His comment about retail staff was unkind, but ultimately his kids do not deserve your hatred

Why should they get you a gift of you so obviously loathe them?!

I think you have to look to your DH for his responsibility in all of this.

He was an absent parent during critical years and, that must have had an impact on them. Model the behaviour you want to see rather than be bitter about them.

I am surprised your DH said nothing when his son expressed his views. If he had a good relationship with them he might be able to influence them.

If your DH is a good man and has been an involved parent then his values will be seen in his children.

I understand why you feel angry but whenever I hear of step children behaving poorly to a step mum, I know that there is a Dad issue. He has to rebuild his relationship with them and then yours will automatically improve.

Are you deliberately avoiding various posters points about him leaving the country while one was still a child?