His adult children are just awful people

[Noisykate]

Sorry, long anonymous rant. I need to get this off my chest.
Partner and I have been together for 12 years, and were both divorced when we met. I have 3 adult children 32, 30 and 28, who are all decent human beings, making their own way on life. His two are 25 and 21. 25 yr old failed uni, and now has a job in london paying about £30k. Has student debts of about £30k, is paying off legal minimum only. He lives with grandma (partners mum) because it works for them both (we have been away, abroad, for 5 years) but pays no rent. He saves very little, goes on holiday a lot, buys nice clothes, and in every respect is a stereotypical "entitled millennial". He had a rant over christmas about "stupid poor people" who stay in "fucking lousy jobs in retail and demand social security help" because they are "too lazy" to get anything better. "How are they being exploited? They are just stupid. Zero-hours contracts are just for students and immigrants".
22 yr old is at uni, doing ok but obviously managing on very little money.
I try to be objective about them both, but increasingly am struggling because they are both just such horrible people.
The daughter is 22, and lives with her mum. We send her a bit of money for uni every week (as we did for the son). For most of the last 12 years, she has rarely bothered to answer my partners calls, and only rings when she wants (extra) money.
My partner obviously loves them, and I suspect feels guilty that he walked out when they were younger (his ex-wife was working her way through a long list of lovers, with very little discretion).

I'm just sick of being expected to contribute financially (we have a joint account and only a modest income) when they are both such shits.

The most recent final straw - they jointly got my partner a half-bottle of whisky for Christmas. What's that? £15? I got jack, not even a mention in the Christmas card.
I dont expect lavish presents, but to get absolutely no acknowledgement like this I feel is a calculated insult. A nice bar of soap or a small potted plant would have been plenty.
My partner has either not noticed or is pretending it's not a problem.
His daughter is coming round today, for help fixing her car (which I helped pay for). I'm planning to leave as soon as she gets here, and will thank her sweetly for her lovely present on the way out.
Anybody have any better ideas?

I'm just sick of their entitled, grasping selfishness. Increasingly, I blame my partner for their behaviour, as he is completely unable to challenge them about anything, ever. It is increasingly causing a big problem, at present exacerbated by our need to draw up wills. The thought of his grasping, selfish children demanding their pound of flesh - and way more - if anything happened to either of us is just awful, and makes rational conversation between the two of us difficult.

I’d have said something by now. I’d certainly have picked the son up on his remarks about people on low wages. They sound awful. He may feel he has to tiptoe round them but why do you? Sounds like they hate you anyway so you might as well give them reason 😏

My blood is boiling on your behalf. I think you have a massive problem. How far do you think it would destabilise your marriage if you were to talk honestly and at length with your partner about this?
To be honest, I think you are going to have to say exactly how you feel. You must also have a plan, e.g. no more financial contributions from you or both of you, different attitude towards the children, etc.
My sympathies, it sounds dreadful.

I don't think they sound as bad as you're making out. The 25 years old comments weren't very nice but at his (her?) age life can appear to be a lot simpler that it is for all of us. Why should they pay more than the minimum off their student loan? It wasn't that long ago student were GIVEN money to do a degree? And yes being age 25 why shouldn't they go on lots of holidays and buy nice clothes? It's presumably not their fault that they're not being charged rent?

I don’t think you should be contributing financially to his adult children.

I don’t think there’s much point dealing with them being unpleasant though. And I wouldn’t raise the gift issue.

Agree with worried

Well considered your husband left the country when the youngest was 16 and still a child it’s sounds like your other half has failed to parent them.

Nobody pays off more than the minimum on their student debt—it’s set up to be a kind of tax on graduates.

Other than that, they don’t sound like nice people.

In terms of student loans if she lived with you before starting university you are jointly responsible for helping her. It is based on household income, irrespective of whether you are her birth parent

It sounds as though you just don’t like them to be honest and that’s your problem. Why would they buy you a present if you clearly don’t like or respect them as people? Why judge the older one for how much he pays off his student loan? Why expect presents from a struggling uni student at all? I would suggest trying to improve your relationship with them overall. Start by understanding they are flawed (as we all are) young people who could do with some love, support and compassion from you both. Perhaps that’s why they show so little themselves towards others.

Perhaps if you didn’t view them as shits instead of young people you might feel different? I have a Millennial DS. Life is pretty shit for Millennials at the moment

I certainly would have educated the son regarding his comments about employment. There are teachers on zero hour contracts and people are forced to accept them because it’s the only job available. I couldn’t get worked up about the other stuff though - it’s fine to live with a family member and nobody in their right mind pays more than the legal minimum off their student loan.

The employment comments would bug me a lot, but it seems to be such a common view, I cba calling people out any more.

I think you are bring a bit harsh to be honest. It's none of your business what the son earns or what rent he pays and I don't get why this annoys you. His views on low earners don't sound very nice, but at Xmas you should just avoid these sorts of discussions and turn the conversation to something else.

You seem very offended about the lack of present, but some people don't really do presents. Your DH could have said something to them if it was important to you to have a gift, but it doesn't sound like he is bothered about it either.

You dont like the way the daughter treats your DH but if he is happy with the situation surely you just need to keep your nose out?

Your comment about the wills is just horrible, are you seriously suggesting you want your DH to disinherit his own children?

Dear worried - yes, I agree, it's not his fault hes not paying rent, and yes agree there is no reason for him to pay off more than minimum student loan - just setting the scene that he is utterly spoilt, indulged, and has absolutely no incentive to understand that not everyone is in the same position. At the same time, he is moaning that its "impossible" for him to save. Hes been to New York twice this year, and two other holidays abroad.

Honestly I think you’re being a bit over sensitive.

Also I think it’s quite important to know a bit of background about their parents split, and how you got together, were they a bit pushed out of their dads family and only supported financially, do they feel like their dad was more involved in your kids than them.
Quite often there are a lot of complex feelings that come out in your twenties particularly if you’ve got some unresolved emotions hanging about.

Also it’s hard to know what came first. It sounds with certainty that you hate his kids, have you always felt this way? If you were clearly not favouring a ten and twelve year old when you started shagging their dad then you may just have never earned their respect.

You sound quite unkind though, and it’s interesting that you state your own kids are so lovely. Really does sound like you want an excuse to leave your stepchildren out of your will - which is just nasty.

stereotypical "entitled millennial"

🙄

As opposed to the un-stereotypical entitled boomers?

What a lazy way to describe people. Don’t kid yourself, it would have been a “measly bar of soap”

Your husband has failed his children. You clearly don’t like them. Just stay out of their way when they visit and keep your acerbic comments to yourself.

Dear hotpenguin
No, of course I'm not expecting him to disinherit his children. I'm just trying to work out how we draft wills that leave all of our 5 children a reasonable share, in the various possible scenarios, with the least possible aggravation and distress. Absolutely not trying to disinherit or distance DH's kids. I am still trying to reach out to them, but after 12 years being treated like shit, its wearing thin.

I don't think this is as clear cut as yiu make out. He left the country when the youngest was a teenager so hary dad of the year.. You only have his version of how he behaved in the marriage and how it ended.

I'm not sure why 30k uni debt is relevant you pay for the uni you've done even if you don't finish the whole thing. I have no idea what a stereotypical entitled milenial is. They're dealing with a massively unequal society in terms of generational debt and opportunities. He sounds like a twat re poor people but his age has got fuck all to do with it.

Sound like they obviously have issues with their dad and therfore you. He needs to actually talk to them about this. Also your sneery attitude to them is probably showing.

You don't like them, but they are your partner's children and he obviously loves them (as you love your children). They don't sound that bad to me and I am sure they would give a very different version of events.

There is nothing you can do, and any attempt to get your partner to disinherit them will surely only end in tears.

Surely you will just leave your 50% to your three children and your DH will leave his 50% to his two children and that’s easy to agree on? It sounds as though you’re hoping to disinherit them.

I’d like to know what a ‘stereotypical’ Millennial is?

All the Millennials l know are lovely. They are coping with no end of shit in terms of debt, ‘GenerationRent’ and crap wages

I can empathise OP. DSD has barely addressed a civil word to me in the 18 years I've known her. I've never had a present or even a mention on a Christmas card. As you say, it wears thin.

I think wills need viewing very objectively and pragmatically.

You are not married, you each have grown up children, in your position I would leave your money / assets / half of everything to your kids, and he leave his personal assets and half of joint to his.

With the proviso that the surviving partner can carry in living in the house.

Talk to a lawyer about how this works in relationship to selling to fund a care home.

Do you own your house as joint tenants or tenants in common?

So are you going to split the will 5 ways then ? Each child getting an equal share ? Or is your partner suggesting giving more to his ?

(Twenties and early thirties is when my upset with my parents rise up within me: distance and adulthood freed me. It is possible that the break up if parents, him moving abroad and becoming step father to other children has left a time bomb. Were any of your kids living at home when he started living with you?)