I'm not sure if I should have posted this in teenagers or if this is the right place. I don't know if my Dd Is an adult she really feels like a child to me still. I'm having lots of problems with her at the moment. To give a bit of background, we live comfortably in a Good sized bungalow , Dd has her own great room , separated a bit , Which we spent a lot of money on. We are not well off we are a very low to middle income family .DH and I both work two jobs each in public sector so not massive wages . I inherited money when I was a teenager hence the fact we live in an nice house. DDs have had state education, DD19 has a mild disability from a chronic illness diagnosed 3 years ago.
She has done well is at college and would like to go to uni one day. Her illness makes her a bit foggy and she finds it difficult to remember things and sometimes cope day today. She relies on us for lifts and money because she can't really hold down a part-time job whilst she is at college and I don't expect she will be able to whilst at uni.
DH is near retirement and our income will go down . I have a chronic illness and am finding it hard to earn extra money or find a better job . DD15 has autism and she needs help constantly with school work etc . She also needs support for the next few years.
The problem is is that DD 19 does not seem to grasp at all that we will not be able to continue to pay for her in terms of allowance, clothes, phone, shoes to the extent that we have done. We have never spoiled her and we have left within our means but her friends get huge amounts more, all her friends have jobs, and also wealthy parents. She continually criticises us especially. DH for not having worked hard enough to earn more money. She criticises Dh especially for spending money on extra courses so he could find a better job when he hasn't really been able to find one. I feel like she can't talk about finances and don't know whether I should be pushing her to see the reality of adult life or not.
She always wants more more more, and gets upset when she can't have what she thinks we should be giving her.
Whenever we try and talk to her about her financial needs i.e. always asking for money she just start shouting and criticising us, saying we are bad parents. I also feel like she gaslights me in particular saying I can't remember things I have said and she also repeats things that I have said but didn't if you see what I mean.
I basically have said to her that she needs to try and find a small job she can do just to bring in a bit of extra cash. She is looking, that's a start and I know she is very anxious about her in future. Within her physical means she does try to do things like walk the dog and does her own washing etc.
Can someone please advise me how to speak to her?
I'm really at end of tether. How can I get her to be slightly more independent without pushing her away. We have always had a great relationship previously .
I have not had a relationship with a mum at this age, my mum died years ago, so I have nothing to go on from experience. I worked from an early age.
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Having problems with DD19
6 replies
girlofthenorth · 26/11/2019 10:45
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