Having problems with DD19

[girlofthenorth]

I'm not sure if I should have posted this in teenagers or if this is the right place. I don't know if my Dd Is an adult she really feels like a child to me still. I'm having lots of problems with her at the moment. To give a bit of background, we live comfortably in a Good sized bungalow , Dd has her own great room , separated a bit , Which we spent a lot of money on. We are not well off we are a very low to middle income family .DH and I both work two jobs each in public sector so not massive wages . I inherited money when I was a teenager hence the fact we live in an nice house. DDs have had state education, DD19 has a mild disability from a chronic illness diagnosed 3 years ago.

She has done well is at college and would like to go to uni one day. Her illness makes her a bit foggy and she finds it difficult to remember things and sometimes cope day today. She relies on us for lifts and money because she can't really hold down a part-time job whilst she is at college and I don't expect she will be able to whilst at uni.

DH is near retirement and our income will go down . I have a chronic illness and am finding it hard to earn extra money or find a better job . DD15 has autism and she needs help constantly with school work etc . She also needs support for the next few years.

The problem is is that DD 19 does not seem to grasp at all that we will not be able to continue to pay for her in terms of allowance, clothes, phone, shoes to the extent that we have done. We have never spoiled her and we have left within our means but her friends get huge amounts more, all her friends have jobs, and also wealthy parents. She continually criticises us especially. DH for not having worked hard enough to earn more money. She criticises Dh especially for spending money on extra courses so he could find a better job when he hasn't really been able to find one. I feel like she can't talk about finances and don't know whether I should be pushing her to see the reality of adult life or not.
She always wants more more more, and gets upset when she can't have what she thinks we should be giving her.
Whenever we try and talk to her about her financial needs i.e. always asking for money she just start shouting and criticising us, saying we are bad parents. I also feel like she gaslights me in particular saying I can't remember things I have said and she also repeats things that I have said but didn't if you see what I mean.

I basically have said to her that she needs to try and find a small job she can do just to bring in a bit of extra cash. She is looking, that's a start and I know she is very anxious about her in future. Within her physical means she does try to do things like walk the dog and does her own washing etc.

Can someone please advise me how to speak to her?
I'm really at end of tether. How can I get her to be slightly more independent without pushing her away. We have always had a great relationship previously .

I have not had a relationship with a mum at this age, my mum died years ago, so I have nothing to go on from experience. I worked from an early age.

[Snooper22]

@girl we havent spoke since it happened last week! She has thrown the letter in the bin and is choosing to ignore the issues. I have messaged her today again asking for an apology and a discussion about the rent. She read it but again ignored! 😡😡

[mcmen05]

@girlofthenorth my dd is foggy also and can't remember things but the gp told me there is nothing wrong with her.
She looses everything. Teachers constantly at her for forgetting homework emailing me to give out.
I am so fed up with one teacher I just said leave her to it if she doesn't want to do the work forget about her had big fall out with teacher at parents day over it.
Has your dd got a diagnosis off something that my dd gp has missed

[Chlosavxox]

I'm 20 years old and I would never expect anything from my parents, I moved out 2 years ago but that was because I have a long-term boyfriend or not I'd still be living with them. If she does go to uni then it will be a lot better - I think it'll make her more independent and she'll get a maintenance loan so will teach her to manage her own finances.

[girlofthenorth]

horrible isn't it ? What did you do in the end with the rent ?

[Snooper22]

I am having similar issues with my 20yr old girl. We were trying to have a discussion last night surrounding her boyfriend all quite civil until she didnt see our point of view then it all blew up into a huge argument with her basically blaming me for all her shortcomings and shouting and swearing at me.
So this morning I have written her a letter stating i will not put up with her behaviour and if she doesnt like it she can move out! I've put her rent up as £90 does not cover very much and I'm sick of being a doormat.
I didnt like my parents views when I was 18 and moved out, so if she doesnt like mine then she knows where the door is. I am not putting up with her arguing and causing a scene.

[girlofthenorth]

Forgot to say we had a big argument yesterday when she needed some dentistry work which we will find difficult to pay off. I suggested she ring round for a local nhs dentist ( took her to mine it was easier ) and she just went bonkers.