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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

I Kid You Not

26 replies

feefaa · 26/08/2019 09:44

I'm in my 50s and raised 2 kids by myself from when they were babies. Worked throughout. Now aged 23 and 21. I do it all - shopping, cleaning, gardening, bills etc. Did all their school runs, hospital appointments, homework etc. They went on school foreign holidays, out of school activities ++.
I was recently told I have a potentially life threatening condition and not to lift heavy weights. I asked for help with garden. 21 year old said he'd help but instead went on laptop. I could hear him effing and blinding as he couldn't remember a password. He was throwing my laptop about. He was hung over, burping ++ and stank of alcohol so said 'I'll do it myself' when he eventually came out. He sensed I was annoyed so kept asking 'why are you annoyed'.
I told him I was fine doing it myself and didn't like the smell. When he wouldn't leave, I said 'just piss off'. Then it was 'why, why, why,why,why, but why....'
When I replied ' I don't want my heart to burst open!', he punched holes in a door. He may have taken drugs the night before. He called me - xxcking worse xxnt, what kind of a mum are you for telling me to piss off.
He's done this sort of thing before. There are holes in walls and doors. When I tell him to get a job and move out, he refuses. Still being drunk etc, he then threatened to kill himself if I kicked him out.
I'm trapped.
The evening before, he asked me to drive him to shops 5 miles away so he could exchange a phone. He's too lazy to walk 12 mins to bus stop and won't shut up until I drive him to bus stop. At 4am that morning, he called me to put money in his account so he could get a taxi home. As he had no phone credit, he wouldn't stop calling me (free giffgaff to giffgaff) until I called him a taxi.
I've been also diagnosed with thyroid and parathyroid problems. I've had stress ++ throughout my life and it's getting worse.

OP posts:
womaninthedark · 26/08/2019 09:54

I'm so sorry.
I was a single mother from when my daughter was four. You've done so well to raise your children.
It's time your boy left home. I'm sorry he's giving suicide threats. Does he have any history of that, do you think it's likely?
Is there any way to get him to go? You might need the police eventually...
Even if he didn't you need to be less available. For example, turn off all your phones at night.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 26/08/2019 09:56

I’d get him out.

Apolloanddaphne · 26/08/2019 09:56

Its about time he left home then.

Thornhill58 · 26/08/2019 09:56

Give him a month to be out of your house and not a penny more. He is an adult that refuses to learn how to adult.
You are unwell and he sounds completely entitled.
Cut him off. He needs to grow up but in a way you are stopping him from maturing by accepting his bad behaviour.
You've done great to bring him to adulthood.
Now you need to look after yourself.

Mxyzptlk · 26/08/2019 09:58

He needs to leave.
He's too selfish to actually kill himself, imo.

Seeline · 26/08/2019 10:04

Stop doing stuff for him. Not washing, cooking, lifts. Turn your phone off at night, or block his number completely.

When he is sober, sit him down and tell him exactly what medical issues have and give him a list of everything you expect him to do for you.

MrsMoastyToasty · 26/08/2019 10:22

Stop giving in to him.

Original poster
feefaa · 26/08/2019 10:22

Thanks for the words of support. I've had the chat about his previous episodes of bad behaviour and vandalism. It's in one ear and out the other. I had to accept an agreement that he stays until he finishes his course. He moved out for a few weeks when he was in 1st year and blamed me when he failed his exams. He still failed exams even when at home, the following year. This mate realised what my son was like and now has nothing to do with him.
He now surrounds himself with people who drink and take drugs and some have been in prison - to make himself feel superior: 'I'm at uni'. If it gets too bad to cope with, I'll ask to speak with the hospital social worker.

OP posts:
LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 26/08/2019 10:46

You have done your bit with him.

Now it’s your turn - if he can’t step up look after you, then he is on his own. Focus on yourself and your health. It’s not your fault he is a selfish twit and he will only be adding to your stress. If he can’t see this he is a fool.

Mxyzptlk · 26/08/2019 10:51

I had to accept an agreement that he stays until he finishes his course.

Why did you have to do that?

He's not keeping to his side if he's not doing the course work.

Original poster
feefaa · 26/08/2019 11:49

I'm a pushover, I agree. He used to say - 'if you call police on me, I'll make sure I turn into a drug dealer...' etc etc. There's no way he'd survive in prison - the 20 stone prisoners will find him too attractive.
I'm looking at it like this - just one more year to go.........
He's doing a 4 year uni course.

OP posts:
1ToughCookie · 26/08/2019 11:51

Let's pretend he wasn't your son but your bf/partner.
He's used abusive language, used manipulation tactics, punched holes in walls multiple times, drains your bank account, refuses to make decent decisions for himself, damages your property, harasses you, and fails perform at his job (uni). When you propose to take action, he threatens suicide knowing full well it'll get him what he wants.
Would you tolerate this behaviour from someone else?
Now that's not to say he doesn't need help. That's not to say you need to the rash about correcting it.
If he wasn't your son, you'd be entirely right to kick him on the streets right now and change the locks and call the police every time he tries to crawl back into your life.
But he is your son and you've put a helluva lot of effort into making and raising him, and that's worth something.
Why do you tolerate this behaviour?
Don't say it's for his good-- if you think about it, you'll see you're enabling him to destroy himself.
So why do you do it? I'm guessing, it makes you feel better to know he's not on the streets. To know where he is and that he's as safe as you can make him. I know I'm guessing, but if this is even somewhat true, you'll have to have a heart to heart with yourself about not pandering to your own wants and to instead focus on what he needs. I know I'm being rather forward, but I'd feel guilty if I didn't speak up and your next post was one of his death.

You think he's doing drugs. What if he goes and does them tonight, and he overdoses? Or gets in a traffic accident? He's not safe. Though you can't control his actions, you can stop enabling him to make them. You've funded this lifestyle. You've allowed him to do whatever he wants. You need to stop doing this, and stop doing it smartly. You're in over your head and that's ok -- seek help. Now.

You need to speak with the hospital social worker. He's past too bad to handle. You need someone to sit down with you to put a plan of action in place. Call them today and make the urgent appointment. Be completely open with them about what's going on. He needs change immediately. There's only so much you can do, but you need to start doing it.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 26/08/2019 11:52

Tell him to go - another year of this? The uni accommodation office will fix him up. Bad old mummy theorist her baby out into the street 🙄.

It’s your time now.

Original poster
feefaa · 26/08/2019 11:53

I'd be happy to look after myself, on my own as the house would stay tidier for longer, the utility and food bills would be lower.
I bought my first house at age 22; they were cheaper then but you can still buy cheap in certain areas.
I've always looked after other people - my mum as a kid, my baby ex, and now kids. Can't wait to have some me-time.

OP posts:
WTCT · 26/08/2019 11:58

There's no way he'd survive in prison - the 20 stone prisoners will find him too attractive.

Hmm
Windydaysuponus · 26/08/2019 12:02

Look under your sink op.
Find a roll of bin bags.
Fill them with his stuff.
And I say this as a dm who threw her adult ds out....
You are being abused.
Ring the police if necessary and have him removed.

FredaFrogspawn · 26/08/2019 12:04

He’s never going to turn round and thank you for being his whipping boy. But one day he may thank you for getting tough and forcing independence into him.

Ravingstarfish · 26/08/2019 12:05

If he kicks off call the police.
Give him a month to get out and get him forcibly removed.
Block his number.

Mxyzptlk · 26/08/2019 12:16

He used to say - 'if you call police on me, I'll make sure I turn into a drug dealer...' etc etc. There's no way he'd survive in prison - the 20 stone prisoners will find him too attractive.

If he chooses to go that way, it's up to him.

You will never have any me-time if you don't take action now.
You'll be babying him until you drop dead.

BrokenTelly · 26/08/2019 12:22

I've been there, still am in a way. I have 4 dc, 3 DS, 1dd. DS no 3 is the troublesome one, he's 23 now. Problems with him started when dh died of cancer 11 years ago. I have lots of holes in doors from punching and it took me years to work up the courage to ask him to leave because I was so afraid of losing him completely.

However, looking at it from the outside: this is domestic abuse. Please do not put up with it any longer. I still tend to walk on eggshells around my DS, and he knows I consider him a bully (I left leaflets about types of bullies from a charity lying around, circling his behaviours).

There are places you can go to for advice, but the most important thing is that you put your self worth up at the top.

Hope this makes sense, it's hard to put this in a short post, and I've never posted before...

Elieza · 26/08/2019 12:36

@1ToughCookie has a very good point. If he was your partner instead of your child you wouldn’t be putting up with this crap.
If he can’t behave in your home he has to go. He’s a disrespectful and manipulative.
You need professional help with him. I don’t know enough about sources if such help to advise but there will be help out there. My friends son went a similar way. They put him out, he broke back in and stole stuff to sell for drugs, the police were called etc and it went on like that for about a year until he sorted himself out. I’m sure your boy will too, but only if he has to. Start showing a bit of tough love and demand respect. You deserve it after all you have been through. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
feefaa · 26/08/2019 14:04

Hi Broken Telly, hope you are ok. I too tell my son he's a bully. It's just a lot of juggling at the moment with my health. I don't wnt to stress myself too much as I don't know if I'm going to need an op or not. He was fine for about a week and when the novelty wore off, he was back to being his usual self.
Just wish he understood - 'stay away from me'.
I need to find a battered parents group I think.
I hope you manage to get through to your son.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 26/08/2019 15:28

Women's Aid will give you advice.
It's not only for women with abusive partners.

FairyDust92 · 26/08/2019 16:02

He doesn't get to treat you like that in your own home.
If you phone the police he'll turn into a drug dealer? 🤣 let him then he can spend a night with the big boys.
I hope you make him patch these holes in the walls?!
He emotionally abuses you, this has to stop.
He's failing his own life and that's all on him, not you.

Drum2018 · 26/08/2019 16:12

Where is the 23 year old in all of this? do they live with you? Do they tolerate 21 year olds behaviour or challenge it? I'd have no qualms about telling your Ds to leave within the week. Pack his stuff and off with him. If he chooses to hang around druggies then that's his choice. He knows it's a wrong path as he thinks the threat of it will make you pander to him.