18 year old daughter excessive demands

[Aloakes]

I'm a single parent with an 18 year old and 15 year old daughter. My 18 year old is at uni now, I always said I would help her as much as I could afford to. I was made redundant last year and out of the money paid for a car, insurance, MacBook for uni, moving in etc. I pay her mobile phone, she comes home on a Friday night with all her washing. Since Christmas I've been trying to get my finances in order so haven't given her as much as before Christmas, but I'm still giving her £100 a month. She herself earns over £400 a month. She's always got nice clothes and nails done etc. Anyway she's kicked off and is demanding £300 from me as I had to reduce what I was giving her. Tonight she came in from work threatening to take my bank card if I don't cough up the money, and always starts getting verbally and physically abusive. I always feel so weak and just take it because she's so aggressive you can't even speak. I dread her coming home to be honest. Tonight she smashed my hoover in temper, kicked me and then demanded I help her with her bags to the car. I snapped in the end and tried to put the bags out of the front door and shut her out. I started shouting back at her and even said I hated her I was so stressed . It turned physical and she tried to attack me and my other daughter broke it up. Eventually she left and I just felt exhausted. I decided to block her but I realise that she will be back next week and the arguing will start again. I feel she needs to realise that I'm doing the best I can but it's just not good enough in her eyes and even said she's just using me. I'm at the end of my tether. Are there any other parents that have children at uni and how much help are you expected to give ?

I missed the part about her being able to drive to and from work from uni. I agree, this is what she needs to do for the foreseeable future.

Went to uni 300 miles away from parents.

Only had my student loan and maintenance grant to live on. That certainly didn't stretch to having a car or a MacBook or getting my nails done on the regular.

Your daughter has unfortunately turned into a self-entitled brat and needs a harsh lesson - she needs to fend for herself and learn some life lessons. She needs to learn how hard it is without you picking up the pieces for her, I'm afraid.

You've been wonderful to her to pay for those things. You've been wonderful to her to keep giving her £100 when you've been made redundant. And she's thrown it all back in your face. Ungrateful. Selfish.

Not a lost cause though. She's bright and she'll learn quick I'm sure.

This behaviour is appalling. I agree with others. First, change the locks. Then stop all payments to her.
Send her a message telling her not to come home until she apologised and changed her behaviour. Permanently.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will call the police if she EVER behaves like that again.
She shouldn’t be coming home every weekend either.
She sounds like a spoilt, entitled nightmare.

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

Time to pay for everything for herself and take her key away.

Don’t think £100 a month is very much. It would barely feed her. She must be working quite a few hours w week to earn £100 plus driving home. Is that not impacting on her degree?

If your circumstances have changed, such that you can no longer fund her, then I think you can apply to have the loan reassessed.

I agree she is behaving very badly and you should not have to put up with it, but perhaps look at the reasons behind it.

The £100 is what I give her , she also earns £400 a month from an 8 hour a week job so she's not starving plus the leftovers from her maintenance loan, her grandparents occasionally give her money and a bursary that she receives every few months.

We pay dd's hall fees, we give her the equiv of the min grant £1300 each term. She gets £100pcm and her phone paid. She does not work term time.

Your dd looks about £2k light compared to dd in grant terms. However earns £4800 per annum so overall is £2800 better off in monetary terms.

DD feels she has plenty and has never complained. I think that gives some perspective. DD has not once asked for more or said anyone else is better off.

Where does your dd think you get the money from?

How does your younger daughter feel about the stress at weekends. She may have a view on whether this is out of character for her sister and something underlying may be wrong. Or she may just be relieved if you temporarily stop or reduce her sister coming home for a few weeks.

It sounds as if your DD has 'enough' money (similar to or more than some other students), but is spending more because she has got used to it. My DS had a loan, low income grant (now the system has changed and they just get a bigger loan instead) and university bursary...all this this added up to more than some of his friends receieved....plus he had a small job. He felt hard done by though as he didn't get a regular monthly contribution from me as friends did from their parents. He paid his accommodation fees upfront but had to to budget the rest over the term and would often overspend on new clothes etc at the start and run out of money half way through. Then he'd get frustrated that he didn't get a monthly fresh injection of cash. I had to sit him down and explain that this effectively was what the low-income grant was, then adopt the broken record technique for three years. I offered the odd food parcel or £20 if really stuck but no monthly amount. If I had, he would have spent that too, just his personality.....your DD sounds similar. You need to be firm. Refer her to her SU for budgeting advice if need be. She must be a first year, it is early days really and there is time to turn this around. The violence must stop though.

I have a 19 year old dd at uni. They can be selfish shits at this age can’t they. My dd is a bit of a shit at times. We pay £270 a month towards her rent but we are both on good salaries- so bloody well done you. That’s probably a big percentage of your income you’re giving her. However, although dd can be selfish she is not abusive. That is something else and needs addressing. Your younger dd is witnessing this too. You have to lay down the law on that one. Even if she separates off for a while.

Just say no.

Cut her off completely for a month and see how she manages then.

If shes threatening to steal your bank cards, tell her you'll report her to the police, then follow through if she does. Make sure you have an app on your phone to disable the card if you can.

So you gave her 200 a month but then spent too much at Xmas and have had to reduce it to 100?

You paid for a car, insurance and a MacBook from your redundancy? Her insurance must be a grand, the MacBook similar and a car on top? You have bred a brat.

I would be tempted to give her the option of seeing a doctor/phychaitrist or reporting the incident to the police . 18 is an adult, but many people find the leap to independent university living too hard

My younger daughter dreads her coming at weekends. To be honest this is something we've had to live with for years and yes I have created a monster so it's probably not her fault. Thankfully my younger daughter is a completely different character and recognised her behaviour is wrong . I don't have any issues with my youngest , except now and again a bit of attitude but she's very loving and giving and appreciates me.

Change the fucking locks and call the police if she turns up and starts being violent again

Too right. And no more money - you need it to replace the hoover. You're doing her a favour by doing this, she won't get far in the real world acting like this.

Tough love is still love.

Change the locks, stop paying for her until she can discuss things calmly and reasonably. She’s an adult Ffs!

Oh and tell her she needs to buy you a new hoover too.

Oh and change your pin in your cards too

her argument is that all other parents give more than me

That old chestnut! DD1 used that a few times, even at senior school. Every student’s situation is different and depending on a lot of factors. There will be students who have loaded parents and are given whatever they ask. Then there are others whose parents do not give them a penny. They all seem to survive somehow, and learn to adapt.

I've had to cut back but she just won't accept it.

Well tough - she needs to stop being so bloody entitled. She is not the boss of you. I know she will hate this, but if she is struggling then you both need to sit down together and works out a budget - list all incomings/outgoings etc. Is she really never going out and living off rice and beans?

I agree with others - stop giving her anything, stop listening to things she says about her friends, and set your own rules with her.

And be prepared for her saying she will have to drop out of uni!

Wow.

*Change the locks, stop paying for her until she can discuss things calmly and reasonably. She’s an adult Ffs!

Oh and tell her she needs to buy you a new hoover too.*

This. And yy to changing PIN on cards. Dont encourage criminal behaviour.

What Zen said.

Her behaviour is unacceptable when I went to uni at that age although 6 years ago , my parents were on a good wage so I was not entitled to a grant and my loan was income assessed. So I got very little and had to pay 150 a month to live at home .Never did me any harm I think it's really good that she works but needs to understand about budgeting and that she is an adult now and cannot expect you to keep giving her money. I hope you get sorted you should not have to endure that kind of abuse and physical violence is outright unacceptable no matter how angry she was , is she violent to others ?

This girl needs some tough love!!! Stop giving her money and doing her washing etc - she's an adult now!!!
My 18 year old is living away at uni and apart from ordering him the odd online shop when he's been ill and paying for his train fare home once every 4-6 weeks, he's left to manage his money by himself!
They've got to learn.
Tough love my dear

I'd change the locks or get her key off her, stop all financial support & tell her not to bother contacting you again until she can behave & treat you with the love & respect you deserve.
She has £400 a month of her own money & obviously has a roof over her head. Tough love sounds like it's very much needed. & don't feel guilty, her behaviour is disgraceful & she needs to grow up.

Ignore her and other posters saying she hasn’t enough to live on, sorry but she has. If she has max loan, your contribution can be zero, you don’t have to give her anything, let alone the £400 she demands.

If halls are 2k/term, she has £900 left from loan, so approx 225 for a 4mth term, plus her earnings, that’s over £600 a month. Plus her bursary. She needs to get real, that is more than most working adults have as spare cash.

Those friends getting more from their parents will also more than likely be getting minimum loan, not maximum like her! I doubt many will have £600+ to live on each month.

DS got min loan, we topped it up for halls fees, then gave him about £250/mth for living costs. So he lived on that £250 and said it was more than enough. In total he got less than the max loan by at least 1k.

In second year his accommodation was less, so our top-up was reduced and we increased his living allowance. He tried to stop us giving him that increase!

He also worked during part of first year, but saved his earnings.

Plenty of parents pay for cars, we did (both v grateful and paid own insurance out of earnings) but generally it’s only parents who easily afford to buy the cars. To have used your redundancy money to buy her a car, MacBook, pay insurance etc, it seems that you feel you have to buy her things and give her money? You don’t!

I too would wonder if there’s drugs or such at play, but only you know her, and know if she is generally entitled. Maybe delay changing the locks at this stage, but send her a text or email pointing out that she has more than enough and that your £100 will stop with immediate effect. Maybe also give her one last chance to apologise and start behaving like an adult, after which you will change the locks. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

The DD isn't living on £100.
She has a job which brings her £400
She also has various bills paid for.
She has money left over from her loan.
She has a bursary.
Grandparents give her money.

The DD has more than enough, even with the £500 a month after bills. Tough shit if she cannot manage on that she will have to learn to budget. She cannot expect the op to top her up for the rest of her life.