18 year old daughter excessive demands

[Aloakes]

I'm a single parent with an 18 year old and 15 year old daughter. My 18 year old is at uni now, I always said I would help her as much as I could afford to. I was made redundant last year and out of the money paid for a car, insurance, MacBook for uni, moving in etc. I pay her mobile phone, she comes home on a Friday night with all her washing. Since Christmas I've been trying to get my finances in order so haven't given her as much as before Christmas, but I'm still giving her £100 a month. She herself earns over £400 a month. She's always got nice clothes and nails done etc. Anyway she's kicked off and is demanding £300 from me as I had to reduce what I was giving her. Tonight she came in from work threatening to take my bank card if I don't cough up the money, and always starts getting verbally and physically abusive. I always feel so weak and just take it because she's so aggressive you can't even speak. I dread her coming home to be honest. Tonight she smashed my hoover in temper, kicked me and then demanded I help her with her bags to the car. I snapped in the end and tried to put the bags out of the front door and shut her out. I started shouting back at her and even said I hated her I was so stressed . It turned physical and she tried to attack me and my other daughter broke it up. Eventually she left and I just felt exhausted. I decided to block her but I realise that she will be back next week and the arguing will start again. I feel she needs to realise that I'm doing the best I can but it's just not good enough in her eyes and even said she's just using me. I'm at the end of my tether. Are there any other parents that have children at uni and how much help are you expected to give ?

[IdaBWells]

Bottom line is she needs boundaries. Physical boundaries if necessary, such as changing the locks so she understands she cannot set foot in your home until her behaviour changes.

The more concerning area however is the lack of emotional boundaries and consideration for you and all you have done and are doing to provide for her. You sound exhausted and tired so that you feel unable to enforce boundaries of respect and decency with your child. I am sure being a single parent is overwhelming, however you need to figure out what you need to change in yourself to enable you to stand up for yourself and expect respect and decent behaviour from your dd.

Have you struggled with enforcing boundaries before now?

[MotherOfDragonite]

That's horrific.

The only thing I'm left wondering, OP, is whether she's under any kind of external pressure to come up with a certain amount of money? A loan, or drugs, or a boyfriend? Are you sure all is well?

[mcmooberry]

Can't believe there are people making excuses for her appalling, violent and frightening behaviour. Spoilt bratitis imo and agree with the change the locks advice above. I would - definitely would - tell her not to darken my doorstep again until such a time as she shows some gratitude and treats you with respect.

[Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme]

Err 18 is an adult!
She is an adult in the eyes of the law.
Maybe there are so many abusive entitled young adults because they have been babies and spoilt for too long.

Op tell he that you aren't giving her any more money and she isn't to come home until she can prove she can behave reasonably. If she turns up and kicks off call the police on her.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

No more £100 a month and no more free laundry phone and lodgings either, she's abusing you!

[Cornishclio]

I would be stopping the £100 a month too until she learns how to behave. Kicking you and breaking the hoover? Tell her she has to pay to replace it. No way would I have taken that from either of my girls. When they were at uni we gave the amount we were told we were supposed to as parental contribution but I don't know if they do that any more. If you have been made redundant then presumably her finance was worked out on a different household income? Tell her to contact student finance and see if they will increase her loan amount. I would let her sort it as she is so abusive and calling the police if she does that again. Is that common behaviour for her? I would maybe say the car has got to go as perhaps she cannot afford to run it. Why did you buy her all that stuff out of your redundancy? That is supposed to support you not pay for luxuries for her. A MacBook and a car are not essential.

[Sillyspuddy]

I've had problems with her for years and yes struggled to cope with her behaviour. She has the maximum amount of student loan and according to the tables I shouldn't be topping her up at all I work full time but obviously no longer receive any financial help for her since she's been at uni.

[OhTheRoses]

Min student loan is about £1300 per term
Halls that we pay for approx £6k per annum.

Does she get that as well as the mac and car?

[Tavannach]

Why is she coming home every weekend?
A big part of uni is the social life, a lot of which happens on the weekend.

[IdaBWells]

You’re been very generous up to now with a car and insurance. She is an adult and should experience the consequences when and adult alienates a person who is providing for her. She can solve these issues herself and should. You can change the locks and focus on your life and your younger daughter.

Have you ever had any support in terms of the difficulties you’ve experienced in your relationship with her? Just for the record I have 2 DD’s ages 18 and 15 and a 12 yr old son.

[Fazackerley]

This sounds odd. 100 a month doesn't sound much to me. Your dd sounds unhinged. Is she often like this?

[pootleposeyperkin]

Name change ? She's taking the piss, some tough love is needed

[Sillyspuddy]

She's received 2 payments of £2900 each so far and another one due in May Her accommodation comes out of that which is about £6000 over the year

[Sillyspuddy]

She comes home on a Friday night to go to work on a Saturday and brings her washing which saves on laundry costs. She goes straight back after work

[Singlenotsingle]

She's obviously spoilt, but you've created a monster OP. So entitled! Tell her she's killed the goose that lays the golden eggs! Sooner or làter, dc have to grow up and stand on their own two feet, and that time is now

[bizzy1234]

Could she be under any pressure from university 'friends' ... drink....drugs??? Sorry to suggest but why else would your daughter behave so badly??
I hope you and her can find a way through

[over50andfab]

I think there are always things to learn with having kids and it’s so difficult to be one step ahead of them.

DD1 - when she went to uni Iwas going through divorce,so for a couple of years, due to XH Income I paid for her accommodation and she paid for everything else. She also had a pub job in the holidays. She also had a car, paid for by me, but she paid all expenses for it except for a very expensive service

DD2, due to my income, she got max. loan and grant - in her final (4th) year now. She has had jobs in the hols and other than sending her back with food shop etc I haven’t had to pay any more.

Not sure what to suggest OP except your house your rules, and it’s better to help out with fixed costs like accommodation and leave others up to her. Hope she at least sorts her own laundry when she comes home. Feeling she is entitled to receive whatever she asks from you is unacceptable.

[Sillyspuddy]

Her accommodation comes out of her student loan, I've tried buying her food but she doesn't like where I shop hence why I give her money.her argument is that all other parents give more than me but I've tried to explain that my circumstances have changed and I can't just keep paying for whatever she wants. Before Christmas I was giving her maybe £200 a month and going food shopping with her but I was struggling to pay for my own outgoings then Christmas comes and the expense of that I've had to cut back but she just won't accept it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

She either accepts the situation it or she doesn’t come home anymore. She will then have to find somewhere else to stay at the weekend or quit her job. It’s that simple. No respect = no roof. She can then sell the car and use the money to fund herself or find a job in her university town.

It’s really unfortunate that you’ve had to cut back. But you also need to make ends meet.

[BlueWonder]

I am worried about your 15 year old and the effect that this is having on her. Also, coming back every weekend will prevent the 18 year old from settling in properly. You say she could still reach work from uni. How about agreeing she comes home every other weekend instead? Hoping that might decrease some of the tension for you and your younger daughter can have time with just on the weekend in between. The breaking stuff, rows and living on tenterhooks is draining for you both. Your DD has enough to live on with earnings and balance of grant after rent is paid. You might want to continue with the £100 or agrees with her you will save it for her as a car repair or emergency fund. But you shouldn't feel pressure to give her any more.

[Tavannach]

I think it would better for everybody if she could find a job near her uni in term time. She can put her laundry into the local launderette for a service wash if it's such an issue. She'll be saving on travel expenses. University has to be her priority while she's there.

[namechangedforanon]

Call the police

[MartaHallard]

18 isn't really adult

An 18yo is legally an adult. As I said on another thread recently, if 18yos aren't capable of behaving like adults, then perhaps the age of majority should be raised to 21, as it used to be.

[MissBPotter]

So from now on she drives the 20 miles to work on sat morning (or stays with a more local fried Friday night) and does not get to stay with your you do not do her laundry. If she can’t affordnany more fancy clothes or nails - tough! I can’t afford those things and it sounds like you can’t either.

I would just text her the above and then essentially go no contact at least for a while - do not engage if she abuses you over text.

If you don’t get tough now I’m afraid your younger dd will go down the same route. Awful behaviour.

[Yulebealrite]

She has no respect for you at all. Until she learns some she gets nothing.