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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Dd's messy home.

27 replies

Lovingwife · 05/09/2018 09:16

I have NC for this, our DD (33) is with her DP and our 3 DGC also 2 dogs. They live in LA home it's very near to her work and the school for the children. (11,10 and 9)
She has lived there nearly 10 years.
The BIG problem is how messy and most times DIRTY the house is and don't ask about the garden. I go every week and help tidy up. Yesterday was to me very disheartening last week I cleaned the bathroom in fact scrubbed is a better word. But I don't think it had so much as a wipe since last Thursday. We have talked about the state of the house and I've offered my help anytime but she says it's ok once a week is enough.
She was brought up in a clean and tidy home so this is alien to me and her dad how she can live like this. I don't want to upset her but how can I tell her about the dirt. I can see past the mess that can be tidied it's just the dirt.
Even the garden is a tip her dad and I spent last summer tidying it up as they both work. All it needs is a mow of the lawn and a quick brush of the path and to pick up the dogs dirt in the back garden (kids all play in the front garden as that is the sunniest and biggest). Again they have said leave it now we will do it from now on.
Am I interfering to much.

OP posts:
Purplebeans · 05/09/2018 09:20

If all the garden needs is a mow of the lawn and a brush off the path then it's hardly a tip is it?
Is it actually dirty? Or just by your standards? Is it really necessary for you to go and clean her house? Seems invasive..

Whitelisbon · 05/09/2018 09:22

Yes, you are interfering too much.
Its her house, and how she chooses to live on her house is her business and no-one else's.
I'd hit the roof if my mum came round and cleaned my house, and complained about the state of it.
Unless it's in such a state that the children are in danger, then step back and leave them to get on with it.

headinhands · 05/09/2018 09:22

We'd have to know more details as at this stage it could be she is just the other end of what's normal.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 05/09/2018 09:27

Tricky. You can’t force yourself on them but not bothering to wipe the bathroom down, especially when it’s had 5 people using it all week is grim. Would they clean if you didn’t go round? Maybe they just don’t bother at all knowing you’ll be there in a few days to do it.

JumblieGirl · 05/09/2018 09:33

It’s their house, and the mess and dirt don’t bother them. Unless it’s a toxic waste dump with rotting food and bodily fluids scattered around, then it’s just not how you’d choose to live.
She knows what a pristine home is like, and how to achieve it, but the family haven’t prioritised it as you do....you sound like a combination of my MIL and father. Let them make their own choices.

SandysMam · 05/09/2018 09:40

She has three kids and they both work? Sounds like she is pretty bloody busy! Unless it is life of grime type stuff, it sounds fairly normal for a busy family. Give her a hand but do it graciously and without judgement. She will probably be really pleased to get the help, but only if it is done without a cats bum mouth.

JaneJeffer · 05/09/2018 09:46

She's never going to start doing it if you're round there doing it for her. Leave them be.

Firenight · 05/09/2018 09:47

Are you my mother? Offer to pay for a cleaner maybe?

cheesefield · 05/09/2018 09:48

Unless it's like a house from hoarders with a bath full of poo and a kitchen covered in 2 years worth of recycling then I think you have to just them to it and butt out.

Our cleaner does the bathroom once a week. I don't clean it otherwise.

cookiesaurus · 05/09/2018 09:49

I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think you are interfering to much. They've asked you to stop but you're still interfering.

They both work FT and have 3 children - that is a lot of juggling. Their house isn't going to be pristine and if I were in their position I'd feel as though you were passing judgement by trying to clean it up - it would definitely put a strain on my relationship with my mother if I was your daughter.

Leave them be - if you don't like visiting their home, invite them to yours or meet elsewhere.

Justgivemeasoddingname · 05/09/2018 09:52

If you continue to clean then I imagine she will allow you.

Picking up dog dirt from the garden is a must though really. They could at least give that chore to one of the kids if they are too exhausted.

hugoagogo · 05/09/2018 09:56

Yes, you are interfering too much.

Cel982 · 05/09/2018 10:02

(Mum? Blush)

If you scrubbed the bathroom last Thursday, how dirty can it really be now, six days later? The fact that you are citing this as an example of their slovenliness suggests to me that you have very high standards for cleanliness. Which is fine for you, but you can't impose those standards on somebody else. Unless it's a genuine health hazard, I'd be inclined to butt out.

Rebecca36 · 05/09/2018 10:14

My mother used to despair (and nag) at the state of my house but I was carefree and also worked quite hard, when at home husband and I did a few chores but didn't want to be tied to them. DC grew up with same attitude.

However mum was great when she came over and by the time she left, the house was clean. It was much appreciated.

After a time we could afford to employ a cleaner and that was even better!

Gardens are pain. I know people who work all week and spend practically every weekend gardening! Not my scene, get someone in occasionally to tidy up. Relax, life is too short.

LemonBreeland · 05/09/2018 10:15

Honestly you sound like my Mum, who luckily for me doesn't live near us. My Mum is obsessed with tidiness and cleanliness. My house is not perfect. The bathroom gets cleaned once a week, it is enough. Yes, by the end of the week it looks a bit crap, but I prefer to spend my life doing things other than cleaning.

You need to butt out, and don't go round there if it is not to your standards.

Bonkerz · 05/09/2018 10:20

It's so tough. Me and dh work full time. Have 4 kids. We keep the main parts of our house tidy and clean but it means that cupboards get full and bedrooms are gross. I'm taking a break from work at moment and in the last week I've done 2 tip runs clearing crap from my house and I know I could do so much more.
Don't criticise her. Just get a key and say you will tidy etc. Sometimes we just have to go day to day and forget the bigger picture.

MrsRespoDad · 05/09/2018 10:23

I think you should borrow one of her house keys, get it copied, and then you can let yourself in when she's at work and clean the house then. She'd love it if you tidied everything away, reorganised her cutlery drawer and had a good sort through her wardrobe as well. I can just picture the look on her little face when she realises what you've done 💕

But kids today. They're so ungrateful, aren't they?

SoyDora · 05/09/2018 10:27

You said the garden is a ‘tip’ but then said All it needs is a mow of the lawn and a quick brush of the path and to pick up the dogs dirt in the back garden (kids all play in the front garden as that is the sunniest and biggest). Which is it?
Not cleaning up dog mess is pretty vile but it sounds like she is pretty busy, and has different standards to you. Unless you’re worried about the health/safety of the GC then it’s really not your issue.

calliebirds · 05/09/2018 10:40

I thought you were my Mum when I started reading but I'm younger than your DD.

My Mum comes round once a week, I don't ask her to but she starts cleaning my house, tackling my garden, etc.

Sometimes my house isn't quite as clean and tidy as I'd like it to be but I do my best to keep it as clean and tidy as I can baring in mind I have a baby to care for.

My DP and I are both, most of the time, with the level of cleanliness that we manage to maintain but my Mum walks in and shakes her head, like she can't believe it and gets straight to work. It really annoys my DP, so it's good she comes usually when he's at work. He thinks she interfering. She says it's just because she cares.

Her standards are far higher than mine and her home is immaculate.

When I was pregnant, I really appreciated the help with the cleaning once a week and I don't begrudge her continuing to do it now if she wants to do it (which she does and she is continuing to do it) but she's never going to be happy with the way the house is when she comes every week simply because her standards are higher.

What was fantastic was how she transformed my garden. I never do anything in my garden and my DP occasionally gives the grass a mow but that's it. Over the summer my Mum sorted out all the weeds, the over grown bushes, swept everywhere, mowed the lawn, etc and it looks amazing now.

I wouldn't say anything to your DD. It's her home. If your happy to keep cleaning and sorting her garden then that's up to you but you can't tell your DD that her house is dirty.

I'm happy for my Mum to come and clean if she wants to but I don't appreciate it when she starts making comments about the state we live it in, especially as in my eyes it's completely dramatic. It's not as clean as her home but it's not a shit tip by an stretch of the imagination.

Cloudyapples · 05/09/2018 10:41

She’ll never clean if she knows you’ll just turn up and do it for her

LilQueenie · 05/09/2018 10:45

You need to back off. Nothing wrong with going over the bathroom once a week. She seems busy and clearly you have different standards. If her life growing up was show home status clean then its likely she has went the opposite. That happens sometimes.

Stormzyandme · 05/09/2018 10:46

3 kids and both working. They moved into the house when the DCs were babies & she had 3 under 5 years old.

I expect she needs to declutter, tidy THEN clean.

But there is no way she would have the time or energy surely?

Believeitornot · 05/09/2018 10:50

Just how dirty is it?

Do you know how hard it is to keep a clean and tidy house when both partners work full time or near abouts? I’m sure people manage it - we sort of did but had a cleaner. I had Fridays off and still it wasn’t as clean as I liked - because I was so tired I couldn’t face decluttering and housework as well.

Original poster
Lovingwife · 05/09/2018 16:27

Thank you for your replies. Just for everyone's information I only clean, sort etc when she asks me too. I have never and wouldn't overstep the mark, yes I do have a key to the house and when I pick the DGC up I don't start cleaning. Perhaps as you have said her standards are not like mine.
It was her suggestion for me to clean the bathroom yesterday and she even laughed as she said I do a better job than they do. I will continue to help and clean when she wants me to.

OP posts:
whosaidthat6 · 05/09/2018 17:08

OMG, this could be written about my kids. Their houses are shit holes and both have unkept gardens etc.

Our house and garden is like a show home, you'd have thought they would try harder.

We found it difficult but just gave up in the end. They can live how they want to live.

What does drive me mad though is when they come home and think they can make a mess here. Not a chance am I putting up with that.