Christmas & adult daughter - not sure what to do

[newsparklylife]

This is going to be long (so that I don't drip feed), so you may want a cup of tea... or wine (I know I do right now!).

DD is 20 and away at uni. I am single parent to DS 14 and in a relationship to a truly lovely guy (9 months so far!) he doesn't live with us but is here most of the time and will be moving in shortly. He will be spending xmas with us.

DH left in October 2015 after a 20+ year of abuse (psychological, emotional you name it he did it all but hitting us). DD hated him, wouldn't speak to him, she went to uni in London which is a long way away from us to get away from him.

Over the last year DD has changed, she has had mental health issues and become very nasty towards me. She blames me for leaving her father, she blames me for not leaving her father, she blames me for leaving the family home (could not afford to stay there it has now been sold), we now live in a 2 bed bungalow, perfect for DS and I but obviously she doesn't have a bedroom to herself. She comes home from uni for about in total 6 weeks a year (if that, I'm possibly being over generous). In the summer when she came home she spent a lot of time with her father (who before she refused to speak to and told me he scared her). She said she has forgiven him (which is great if she has but am confused how she has gone from having a panic attack when his name is mentioned to living in his flat with him!).

So... she's coming home next week for xmas. Said this morning will your DP be there? I want it just to be you me and DS and the dogs. I said yes he will be 'what for xmas eve and day' yes he will be 'what? xmas day early morning' yes he will be.

She doesn't want to have to share a small house (dig at me for giving up family home) with a man (dig at me being in a relationship she wants me single). Now... DS LOVES DP, he has turned our life around and shown us there are good men out there. When I collect DS from school first words are 'is DP at home'. It is a serious relationship and we hopefully have a future together.

DD making me feel very guilty, wants to spend time with me alone - already said we will do what she wants together, current arrangements are going out for coffee and a church service she has requested just her and I go to. We are also going to midnight mass just her, myself and DS. Have said we will do what else she wants to but she hasn't made suggestions yet.

Xmas day the entire family will be here so it is not just us and DP, there will be 11 of us altogether (all my family not his).

She is making me feel guilty. I'm at the point now of saying this is what is happening, you are an adult, you can deal with it or not. Your call. My mum who has just taken a phone call with a rather upset me has said it is about time I looked out for myself for once as have done everything for everyone else for ever. She loves DP and has seen how he has transformed our lives and she feels DD being a little manipulative.

DD shares a room with DS when she is here, we have just replaced DS bed with a futon high bed so DD can have as proper a bed that I can do (after she refused to sleep on the sofa bed I bought her as uncomfortable). I understand it's not ideal her not having her own room but I'm self employed on a very low income and could not afford the additional £150 a month it would cost to rent a 3 bed for her to stay in it for such a short period of time.

I would love your opinions on this please (if you've made it this far!). Thank you xx

I think she's just feeling a little lost having lost her grounding.
It sounds like your lives have all moved on 'back home' (as they will have) and she's feeling excluded and lost.
Her friends will probably be going back home to their families, back to their childhood bedrooms, to see their school friends. But she doesn't have that anymore (i understand it, and it makes perfect sense). We all need that grounding and feeling like if things go tits up we have somewhere to feel safe.
Given that she's away she hasn't had a chance to form a relationship with your new dp so he will seem like a stranger. Meanwhile her dad is giving her stability, and will feed into her moans about you - making her feel worse. Id imagine he's upped his contact with her if your son gets on with your new dp and your daughter is responding well. Its his way of continuing the abuse
I get it she expected her home life to pause and it didn't. All your choices and decisions make sense, but they will all seem like your excluding her - to her.

If her father doesn't poison her too much she will understand in a few years when she's matured. But theres a danger his influence will push her too far from you.

Crumbs that was a lovely post and just what I hope to do for my DD when she leaves in a few years, but which was never done for me.

"you then had only a year or so of being single before meeting your partner who'se now moving in after only 9 months"

I can't believe someone wrote that. If 21 months isn't enough time to be allowed to move on, I don't know what is.

I can see why you feel the way you do, and of course you deserve happiness with a new partner. However, I can understand why your DD is being like she is.

Throughout my uni days and probably until my mid twenties when I met DH, I saw my parents home as my sanctuary, my safe haven if you like. I would return for short periods, and when I felt down or needed to get away from it all. It was important to feel like I had my place in that home. I imagine I would have felt a bit lost and pushed out if I had been in your DD situation. I appreciate you can't get an extra bedroom but I just want you to see it from her point of view.

In regards to your new partner, as nice as he may be, he is an outsider to your DD. Someone that is altering the dynamics of your family.

Could you maybe have the majority of xmas day with just your children and close family, and then have your dp join you later in the afternoon. Hopefully you'll have lots of future Christmases with your dp. Give your DD time to feel comfortable with the changes. Your children have gone through a lot.