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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Christmas & adult daughter - not sure what to do

79 replies

newsparklylife · 15/12/2017 13:55

This is going to be long (so that I don't drip feed), so you may want a cup of tea... or wine (I know I do right now!).

DD is 20 and away at uni. I am single parent to DS 14 and in a relationship to a truly lovely guy (9 months so far!) he doesn't live with us but is here most of the time and will be moving in shortly. He will be spending xmas with us.

DH left in October 2015 after a 20+ year of abuse (psychological, emotional you name it he did it all but hitting us). DD hated him, wouldn't speak to him, she went to uni in London which is a long way away from us to get away from him.

Over the last year DD has changed, she has had mental health issues and become very nasty towards me. She blames me for leaving her father, she blames me for not leaving her father, she blames me for leaving the family home (could not afford to stay there it has now been sold), we now live in a 2 bed bungalow, perfect for DS and I but obviously she doesn't have a bedroom to herself. She comes home from uni for about in total 6 weeks a year (if that, I'm possibly being over generous). In the summer when she came home she spent a lot of time with her father (who before she refused to speak to and told me he scared her). She said she has forgiven him (which is great if she has but am confused how she has gone from having a panic attack when his name is mentioned to living in his flat with him!).

So... she's coming home next week for xmas. Said this morning will your DP be there? I want it just to be you me and DS and the dogs. I said yes he will be 'what for xmas eve and day' yes he will be 'what? xmas day early morning' yes he will be.

She doesn't want to have to share a small house (dig at me for giving up family home) with a man (dig at me being in a relationship she wants me single). Now... DS LOVES DP, he has turned our life around and shown us there are good men out there. When I collect DS from school first words are 'is DP at home'. It is a serious relationship and we hopefully have a future together.

DD making me feel very guilty, wants to spend time with me alone - already said we will do what she wants together, current arrangements are going out for coffee and a church service she has requested just her and I go to. We are also going to midnight mass just her, myself and DS. Have said we will do what else she wants to but she hasn't made suggestions yet.

Xmas day the entire family will be here so it is not just us and DP, there will be 11 of us altogether (all my family not his).

She is making me feel guilty. I'm at the point now of saying this is what is happening, you are an adult, you can deal with it or not. Your call. My mum who has just taken a phone call with a rather upset me has said it is about time I looked out for myself for once as have done everything for everyone else for ever. She loves DP and has seen how he has transformed our lives and she feels DD being a little manipulative.

DD shares a room with DS when she is here, we have just replaced DS bed with a futon high bed so DD can have as proper a bed that I can do (after she refused to sleep on the sofa bed I bought her as uncomfortable). I understand it's not ideal her not having her own room but I'm self employed on a very low income and could not afford the additional £150 a month it would cost to rent a 3 bed for her to stay in it for such a short period of time.

I would love your opinions on this please (if you've made it this far!). Thank you xx

OP posts:
TheNoseyProject · 15/12/2017 16:36

Does she finish uni this year? Do you think she’s worried about leaving and not having the option of moving back home and hence is kicking off about Xmas. I don’t think yabu but I do think 9 months is soon to move in. Your call though of course.

Original poster
newsparklylife · 15/12/2017 16:44

Ok...

He isn't moving in yet. When I said soon I meant in the next few months. He stays over.

DS needs are trumping DD as he lives here and has to put up with his father letting him down on a weekly basis. Ie latest being his first school play where he has a major part and his father didn't even go. Or when he has been begging his dad to take him to see the new Star Wars film and he kept saying 'we'll see' to last week him saying oh no sorry I'm going with a friend now. So yes I put him first because I see this every day and I'm the one dealing with him crying over daddy not wanting him some weeks.

DD informed me she has no intention of moving back here when she finishes uni - she is guaranteed a job in her chosen profession upon completion and passing of her degree. She isn't only living off her student loan she is working as well.

I know it's a shit situation but then watching DD crying her eyes out because her father has threatened to drive off a cliff and she is scared. Or him telling her not letting her have any opinion that isn't his. That was also shit.

I feel I can't win with this one. One of my children is going to be upset over Christmas. I'm going to be caught in the middle YET again with no feasible answer. DD hardly came home when we were in the family home, she moaned it was cold, there was no transport links (we are rural), there are no coffee shops at 11pm like London. When she's here she cannot is wait to go back and this was before DP was on the scene.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 15/12/2017 16:58

I feel really sorry for your dd , it's not normal to prioritise yourself to the extend that you have done now she is an adult.
At least just invite your dp in the evening only x

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 15/12/2017 17:08

I am really surprised at the messages saying you are out of order.

Your dd is a twenty year old woman. With her own life in a big city, job, uni, living with her gf and has a job lined up. She's told you she has no intention of moving back so why should you be out of pocket paying for a room that she will stay in at most 12 weeks a year?

She obviously has some issues relating to her child hood and feels pushed out and replaced by your new dp. I can understand that. But she's an adult now and she needs to realise you deserve to be happy after what you went through with her father for twenty years. If your own adult child can't be happy for you then they don't deserve you bending over backwards and being out of pocket for her "happiness" when she has no respect for yours. She needs to grow up. When I was twenty I had a one year old and lived alone with her whilst studying. I'd never be behaving like she is like a spoilt, petulant child.

And yes I do think your child's needs and wants, who lives with you and is benefiting from your partner being a father figure when his father's absent, should come before your adult child's who has built a new life in another city.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 15/12/2017 17:11

MydcAreMarvel with all due respect you are talking nonsense. She is an adult with her own life what's her mother meant to do. Sit at home and wait by the phone incase her daughter might call and have no life just because she happened to give birth twenty years ago and now deserves no happiness since she's a mother.

Jigglytuff · 15/12/2017 17:12

It's very telling that you start your OP with 'DD is 20 and away at uni. I am single parent to DS 14'

So not a single parent to two children then?

The number of young people who come back to live with their parents after finishing university is soaring because the cost of living is so high and because they are in crippling debt. That isn't a possibility for your DD. She's gone off to study and you've basically told her she no longer has a home with you. No room for her but room for your boyfriend.

Bobbybobbins · 15/12/2017 17:15

I think you are doing the best you can in a tricky situation. As pp have said, your daughter is 20 and an adult but it is understandable she is feeling unsettled. I agree that trying to spend as much time with her as you can it a good plan and having a frank chat with her. She may not realise you can't afford a 3 bed, for example.

frenchfancy · 15/12/2017 17:16

I can see both sides to this.

It seems that the OP has spent 20 years not prioritising herself and has paid the price in an abusive husband. She is now putting herself (and her DS) first and everyone is saying she shouldn't. That DD should come first. Just because we are parents doesn't mean we don't have our own wants and needs. Compromise is needed on all sides especially when finances don't allow perfect solutions.

Your DD is feeling pushed out, but that is the was of life. Our DCs fly the nest, and then come back and complain if the nest has changed in the meantime. If you put her first no doubt people would be telling you she was an adult and you were molly coddling her.

OP - I think the compromise here is to have Christmas eve and Christmas morning just the 3 of you. Then DP can come round and your DS can spend time with him then.

lizzieoak · 15/12/2017 17:19

Well, I’m of the opinion that it may be long past your turn to lean into some relaxed, pleasant, happy time with a man who treats you well.

Yes, your dd may be struggling to adjust to the changes, but as you say, your ds is the one who’s there 365 days a year, plus he’s still a kid, so within reason I think she needs to put her big girl pants on. I’m with your mum here.

Do the few things she’s said she wants to do with you and ds, but she’s going to have to wrap her head round your dp being there Christmas Day.

Dozer · 15/12/2017 17:20

9 months is still very early days for your boyfriend to have been so involved in your DS’s life. I would prioritise your DD this time.

Reallytired17 · 15/12/2017 17:23

I feel sorry for her too.

CocaColaTruck · 15/12/2017 17:24

Grab your chance of happiness, OP. Your DD sounds very selfish, tell her how it's going to be, if she doesn't like it she can stay with her dad.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2017 17:24

Your DD is only 20. I think it must be horrible for her to lose her room in the family home. I still had stuff in the family home years after I left. But even so it seems as if you have had no choice but to move to a smaller house so you aren't in any way to blame. But she is still jealous and feels pushed out with a virtual stranger in what she probably still sees as her home.

Dozer · 15/12/2017 17:25

Also, your DS becoming emotionally attached within 9 months to the point he wants your bf there for xmas isn’t a great idea.

squeaver · 15/12/2017 17:33

When your DP moves in, will he be making a financial contribution to the household? Will that be enough to allow you to move to a 3-bed house?

Reallytired17 · 15/12/2017 17:34

Yes, it’s a new little triangle, isn’t it, and the room is part of that.

I imagine she’s feeling insecure.

It’s all very well people saying ‘she is an adult now’ but university is very much about transitioning.

SummerKelly · 15/12/2017 17:41

I think you need to bear in mind that your DD is very possibly traumatised from living with abuse as a child for many years, whether that was directly to her or through witnessing abuse of you. Although it was your husband who was abusive, she might possibly resent you for not removing her from the situation. You say she has mental health problems, experiencing domestic abuse as a child permanently changes the neural pathways in your brain - it's not a matter of "growing up" - it is possible that she will need years of support to undo the damage that has been done and so it's not surprising that she seems to be all over the place. How you understand this and help her through it could be crucial to whether she is able herself to understand and recover from the trauma. It is probably likely that she doesn't really know what she's reacting to and why. In this situation I would obviously want to keep a good relationship going, but I would also want to prioritise my child.

Babybauble · 15/12/2017 17:44

Just a theory, but could your DD be feeling like she's lost everything and trying to hold onto her happy previous memories, recreate them? At 20, although an adult. I felt very much like a child, but with free reign so to speak. I was no way mature enough to deal with what you've described. Whilst I don't particularly think you've done anything wrong, it would have made me feel sort of deleted from the family Nd not entirely welcome at that age. I know some 20 year olds are maturer, but some still take longer to move away from parent/child mode. I do agree you've moved to fast with this new man, but I was guilty of exactly the same thing and eventually we we married, so no judgement here!

FaFoutis · 15/12/2017 17:48

It seems that the OP has spent 20 years not prioritising herself

Well she wasn't prioritising her children if she stayed with someone who abused them.

Dozer · 15/12/2017 17:51

At 20 the brain is still developing, and as Summerkelly says it’s likely that bad experiences at home for most of those 20 years will have affected her deeply.

FaFoutis · 15/12/2017 17:55

Parents who get new partners often think that because it seems to be a good thing for them it is also a good thing for their children. It's an empathy problem.

lizzieoak · 15/12/2017 17:55

FaFoutis wins a prize for not comprehending how domestic abuse works.

FaFoutis · 15/12/2017 17:55

Well since I grew up with it that is very unlikely.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 15/12/2017 17:59

FaFoutis your comments are totally out of order. As for "parents who get new partners often", are you projecting? Op hasn't had new partners often. And her daughter isn't a child.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 17:59

Tough situation.

I personally would only have your DP there when the rest of the family are there on Christmas day, have the morning as just you and your children.