I dislike being a mum, often hate it

[onwardsmummy]

I am in my early 30s and expected to love being a parent but I could not have been more wrong... I'm quite disappointed in myself, really, I have very little patience with him after a while. It sounds melodramatic but I feel completely enslaved, this is partly because he is very very challenging, and is either only wanting to be held, or pushing me away and screaming. It goes without saying that I miss my independence hugely....

Its worse since I gave up breastfeeding, went back to work and put him into part-time childcare, though frankly I could not have coped a moment longer being a SAHM. I like my job, its a good break. He is 14 mo.

I just can't wait till he's older and can fend for himself a bit more. He can be so lovely, too but the bad pretty much outweighs the good... I don't think there is anything physically wrong with him to make him so irritable, he seems very healthy he just seems quite miserable a lot of the time, which makes me feel terrible.

I feel quite imprisoned in that I just want to get away, or get one with my own things. I am snappy with my son sometimes and that surprises and upsets him; its just that entertaining every single second is so exhausting.

I worry about the future as well. Its selfish I know. I just don't know how I'm going to endure the next X number of years whilst he grows up. By which time I may be disillusioned, living on anti-depressants and feel resentful and bitter.

How can I get out of this rut? I am driving myself crazy because there seems to be no solution...

DD was like this. It got much better when she got the speech skills to articulate what exactly she wanted to say. That is how we realized how detailed and particular her wishes were - ex: "these bath bubbles are too shiny"

Oh onwards, you poor thing

Do you have other mum friends? Are you still in touch with non-mum friends? And you say you are always wanting to get on with your own thing - do you ever actually get to do your own thing?

Nobody ever tells you that being a mum can be boring, tedious and relentless. But everyone feels that way sometimes. And when they are wee there's so little payback and so much work - they want, want, want (and need) you all the time and you have no independence. That's really hard.

If it's any consolation, mine's almost 3 and he's so much easier these days. Mainly because he is so much more independent that we can actually do things together, instead of me doing things to entertain him. And doing things together really helps us bond and reminds me that it can be fun.

I too am a working parent and it's so hard when I come home from work and I am tired and stressed out and I just want my own space but I have to put my mum hat on and find some energy to be a good parent. I am impatient and short-tempered with him at times. And it makes me feel guilty. But I know that as the years have passed it has got much easier, and it will continue to do so. As they get older (and when they are talking especially) you do get lots more back.

What sort of support do you have at home? My best advice would be to try and find something he loves doing, and make a promise to yourself that you will do it together regularly. A toddler group would be ideal, or even soft play or a craft. When you do this thing, put all thoughts of work you need to do/housework/other stresses out of your mind. Compartmentalising in this way lets me be much more patient with DS, and also relieves a lot of my stress. And make sure you do get some precious time to yourself - otherwise of course you will become resentful.

It will get better, it really will.

At 14 months DW (and I) felt the same. It is very hard at that age.

DW went from jumping on and off airplanes in all the capital cities of the world having Chief Executives hanging on her words - to wiping up po and sick every day with never a moment to herself. We shared all the childcare equally and I felt the same but I felt happier. DW said very similar things to you.

We eventually put DSs in nursery and never looked back - our time with them was more positive and we could devote ourseles to them when they were with us.

DW dotes on our 2 boys and she is a wonderful mother and wife - she used to say "I m a bad mother" and really meant it. Used to make me sad.

Sounds odd but I'm not really sure WHAT he likes doing, it changes and very quickly too... sometimes he wants to play with his toys, hang out in the house us playing together, other times or even a moment later he hates it! He seems to love spending time with his childminder.. which doesn't make me feel great.

Is 14 mo too young for craft? I went to the ELC yesterday but couldn't see anything crafty suitable for under 3's according to their packaging... would crayons be okay? I want to do more things with him. (Though its not a question of doing my own thing when he's around because if he's not being specifically entertained or carried, he screams his head off, arches his back, kicks the floor, and cries and cries..)

I'm looking forward to him talking more. Though I fear he will be a moaning minney because my best just never seems to be good enough. I may be wrong of course... live in hope.

I do get a little time out thanks to a lovely DH but I tend to spend most of it wondering if a) I could be spending my precious time more wisely, b) mostly feeling overwhelmed and depressed c) procrastinating, and so it goes on...

BeenBeta you also sound very supportive.

I wish I could feel more positive day to day..

In this warm weather, sit him on the balcony/terrace/garden with a bucket of water and a brush and tell him to "paint" the walls. Hours of entertainment

The year between 1 and 2 is the hardest. Things will improve in time. As for now : crayons are OK at 14 months IME - though he may well eat them which will make for some interesting nappies. SOmething that might halp is to schedule your free time so you know when it's coming. Oh and make sure you are eating well, getting fresh air and some exercise, lack of these things can make a person very miserable no matter what.
ALl the best. It does get better.

Craft at 14 months in our house consisted of covering the kitchen table in newspaper, covering DS in old clothes and getting the paints out.

Or PVA glue and torn tissue paper and glitter.

Or Playdoh, or plasticine.

Anything like this takes minimal input and imagination from you and kills ten minutes if nothing else.

it really does get easier when they are older

maybe you could spend a day observing how the childminder interacts with him and take some tips from her... i know it's a blow to the ego but i think swallowing your pride on this occasion is worth it.

I don't know if that would be helpful blinks. My CM is great and DS loves going there, and has much more exciting fun than he would with me at home, but she's a paid childcare professional and doesn't have to live with him! In my view he should love going there, and he should expect to enjoy all the activities he does there. That can't possibly be true of a home environment which is by its nature routine and boring.

I would, in the OP's shoes, ask the CM what sort of things she feels he enjoys most. But I really don't think the "problem" here is the OP's ability to entertain her son. It's the fact that he's probably pretty much nonverbal and it's utterly crap trying to find something to do that's satisfying for all parties at that age.

I have children that are much older and can honestly tell you it does get better. When mine were little I had so many days when i was very unhappy. The crying is a phase, keep repeating this to yourself. This too will pass. It will pass.

You have so much to look forward to. One day your son will put his arm around you and make you a cup of tea after you have had a hard day at work. You will go to the theatre together or to see a film. He will take you out for a meal and pay for it with wages he earned from his first job. You will have conversations about topics that you find fascinating and did not know anything about until he told you. You will get there, in the end.

I had a friend when mine were little who really helped me out. When my kids had tantrums or cried I would get really stressed. When her kids cried I noticed she didn't worry about it. I asked her why. She said it is not my job to make sure my children are happy all of the time. It is my job to help grow up into adults. No one is happy all the time. I felt a huge weight lift once I thought of things that way.

As an ex-'high-flier' but now mostly SAHM (was working P/T but have been on gardening leave for some time) I sympathise with how you feel. Many of my friends with good careers were the same and didn't feel happier until they went back to work F/T.

I really didn't want to go back to work and leave DS (now 20m) so have found ways to make life at home fulfilling and enjoyable. I've found that giving our day some structure and lots of time out of the house/with other people was what worked for us.

I've taken him to various classes (music, story time, nursery rhymes etc) which he adores and gives me some structure to my week - it's also a great way to meet other parents.

We also meet other mothers for coffee/lunch/a walk a few times a week - most of these are new friends I've met since DS was born but sometimes we meet old friends during their lunch breaks/days off too.

We go out most of the afternoon, every day - shopping/walking/collecting leaves and stuff.

We nearly always stop in a coffee shop mid-afternoon for him to have a snack and me to have a cup of tea and read a magazine for ten minutes .

When we're at home, he loves banging away at various instruments whilst listening to (godawful) nursery rhyme CDs. He also loves painting - washable paints are a must!

It does get easier as they got more mobile and articulate - DS can entertain himself quite well now compared to at 14m.

Lovely post Hoopy

I totally agree with you about structure, getting out and classes. I would have gone mad without.

Onward - DD was a bit like this in that she always preferred being at nursery, playgroup etc to being at home with me. She still does. It took me ages to figure out that it wasn't the stuff they did with her being more interesting than what I did. Its simply that she likes being around other children, especially ones slightly older.

Don't beat yourself up about the fact that DC is happy at CM - see that as a positive sign of a child who has no attachment issues and is actually secure and confident enough to be away from you.

It really does get easier, I promise - you sound so like me 18 months ago, and now being a mum to DD is pure joy.

Thank you for all your wonderful and inspiring messages. I will save this and look back at them when things are s*it.

If I asked the CM to sit and watch to be honest -she'd tell me to go away and have a stiff drink! He does love being around bigger kids.

We do see other families quite a bit but sometimes DS is often screaming / crying etc so we're not much fun then either of us, and so we aren't as sociable as others I know, and sometimes I dread seeing people.

We don't have the cash for classes and when I did try DS was very unhappy... but I could do more library/ collecting leaves / playdough, they're good ideas.

I have considered doing FT work just to get away but I have a feeling I would regret it further down the line.

I'm so glad it gets easier as sometimes I just want to f8ck off on my own for a few days!

Totally understand onwards, have been there.

DS was 15mths when I went back to work full time, although I had had PND and really needed to be back in the work force for a brief time to 'regroup'. I went part time about 6months later, and found that was about the right balance at the time. Never regretted it, and it made for a much happier me and DS (and DH, for that matter!)

It will get better, however be mindful that you are still here, now, and it's tiring and a bit scary - now. Sometimes it's frustrating to hear it will get better without finding a way to get through the present moment. I hope you do. Maybe find a friend to go away and have that stiff drink with!!

It's worth seeing if your area has free classes - ours has a Surestart centre and a library, both of which run super, free classes. And babies/toddlers change so much in the first couple of years - even if he didn't like them before he may well do now. Particularly the classes with older children.

Also, please don't be put off meeting people because of embarrassment of DS screaming - other parents won't blink an eye or will be worrying about whatever it is that their DC are up to that day. DS's probably picking up on your tension and that's probably making him worse. Just try to relax and I'm sure he'll start to.

My DS is a pretty happy chap and very used to being quiet in cafes and restaurants etc but I never judge parents whose DCs aren't as placid as him.

Mine is 15 months and has been quite trying lately. I'm really looking forward to him being able to tell me what he wants rather than just emit frustrated grunts. Agree with the other posters about liking being with slightly bigger children at nursery

One thing I've noticed DS likes doing is stacking and pouring things:
tins of food
dried pasta (say, bows or shells), pouring in and out of tin dishes (eg a pet bowl)
and water in a washing up bowl outside, with cups (although gets drenched)

These seem to keep him busy for ages

I felt just like this when ds was this age Water was the answer! Nothing kept his attention like playing with water and I mean nothing.

I would let him stand at the sink and "wash up" with lots of metal and plastic stuff. I would make a coffee and sit in the kitchen and even read a book while he did this. It is usually impossible to read a book with a 14 month who is awake. Even one who is easy-going which ds most certainly wasn't

I lived in a small flat and my kitchen was often flooded but it was worth it for the break. Water and structure/routine on my days at home were my saviours. All our worst days were because I woke up with no clear idea of what ds and I were going to do and was unable to decide. If the day started like that it always went rapidly downhill.

onwardsmummy - sorry your feeling so low but I have to say I am happy you have posted this as I am going through something similar with DD (will be 14months in a few days).

It is now even harder as we have DS who is just over 3 weeks old. I am spending as much time with DD as possible so as she doesn't feel left out or pushed aside. ATM DS is still sleeping a lot and so it's normally just a feed and nappy change he needs.

I'm trying to get out everyday with them as I think I would be totally frazzled come 5 o'clock if I didn't. It can seem like a bit of a chore at times between getting us all ready, packing nappies/spare clothes for DS/food/milk/toys, fitting everything into the double buggy, getting them both strapped in and then actually getting out (we live in top floor flat!) but it is doing me the world of good.

DD really likes crayons, drawing on paper/toys/laminate floor! She is full of energy and very rarely takes breaks, not sure if your DS is the same? Agree with another poster about playing with water. We discovered this recently. I'll fill some pots with water, put some towels on the floor and let her play away (have to sit next to her though as she sometimes tries to tip the pots!). She'll throw some of her plastic toys in, her little ducks from the bath, she loves it - we both end up pretty wet mind you but it keeps her happy and entertained for 20-30mins. I built a den the other day but she didn't even bat an eyelid at it! She likes the balcony but really prefers to walk in and out of the balcony doors rather than sit and play outside . Do you have a garden? Could you get him outside to run around a bit?

From reading the other posts it's encouraing to know that it gets easier. DD gets very frustrated when we don't know what she wants. So once she learns more words hopefully things will be less confusing! She likes to point to things that she wants and when we don't give her it she takes a tantrum. We have started ignoring this and she stops quite quickly.

She absolutely loves Special Agent Oso (not sure if you have heard of it, its a cartoon on Playhouse Disney), its the only thing she will actually sit and watch so occasionally when she is frustrated and in a bit of a strop and I myself am feeling quite frustrated and helpless then I will put an episode of this on (thank goodness for sky plus, I always have a couple recorded to play in times of need!).

Sorry if I have been banging on about my situation too much . It's just good to know that I'm not alone!

I was recently looking on the internet trying to find different things I could do with DD and made a wee list, I've copied and pasted it below;

Reading
Puzzles
Building Forts and then bringing in the dollies, doggie, etc. to play too ... and eating in the fort
Sensory exploration stuff (playing with rice, cornstarch & flour, lots of MESSY stuff that is fun)
Drawing
Ripping out everything from every cupboard and drawer
Doing laundry (or undoing it, as the case may be)
Dancing/singing to music
Playing with the doggie
Jumping on the bed
Blocks
Playing with a ball
Tumbling and climbing on the couch ... taking the cushions off and rolling/jumping on them
Going out on her trike
Rearranging the fridge contents
baths (more for fun than getting clean)
helping Mum bake (stirring, measuring, etc)
looking at photos (albums are good, but DD loves looking through boxes of old photos: seeing Mama and Dada; 'sorting' them)
sorting through old greeting cards
emptying the recycle bin
dizzy lizzies
water games
play with playing cards

I gave DD one of our photo albums a couple of weeks ago, it has pics of her from about 6months ago along with family members, she really enjoyed looking through it and seemed to keep her entertained for a bit.

I really hope some of the above can be of use to you and that you start to find things a bit easier soon

Health Visitor was up to see DS the other day and said that although people say 'the terrible two's' it doesn't actually start at two......nobody mentioned that before

Cake you sound very un-judgey, thank you. You're probably right, its me that fears the noise more than others... I don't take any notice when other children are noisy - at least not toddlers anyway.

Babywalks - thank you for your fabulous list! I will do the same and have something to refer to when I'm having a bad day. Your life sounds very complicated I must say you're sounding very relaxed about having 2 children and dealing with this!!!!

Thank you for sharing your ideas everyone.

cakeandroses - crikey when do you get your housework done?

Onwardsmummy - I remember this feeling well.

DD was exactly like this when she was your DS age, and just didnt seem happy with anything or any activity. She was also very whiny, and if I ever met up with anyone or went to playgroup, she'd start screaming etc. It really got me down, she was just so unpleasant to be around, coupled with the fact I find playing with small toddlers intensely boring . Gradually it has got better, and at nearly 2, she is such a joy.

I think its that particular age, and the fact that some children are more demanding than others. DD has also got much much better, since she has started talking.

Everyone has given brilliant advice, and to back up those who have said - have a plan for the day so you have structure- hours stretched out infront of you waiting for 7pm is no fun for anyone. Soft play areas - good during term time when theres others of similar age, and you may get to have a cup of tea in peace while he toddles around.

Water! The only thing that kept and still keeps DD occupied for hours while I do something I want, which is generally eating chocolate and having a cuppa in peace. Fill a bowl of water, and chuck measuring jugs, paintbrushes, anybloodything in there.

Go out for walks in the park etc- doesnt give you any time to be doing something you want, but wears them out and makes you feel more positive.

Also I gave up trying to make DD happy all the time and just accepted she was mostly sometimes a miserable baby. Around about that time though, she had started being a bit more pleasant!

Good luck anyway, and just to echo everyone else - it does get better.

Cake - wow. I bow to you!

Thanks for this thread....thanks so much.