Should I become a SAHM?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Currently on mat leave. Have had the realisation that I want to bring up my daughter rather than CM or nursery.

My current job, which I had intended to return to pays 14,500pa, mon-fri and requires me to be away for three days 2 nights every fortnight. I could ask to not do the residential element but that is a pretty integral art of the job.

My partner is self-employed and really struggling. I don't know what his take home pay is but he has put nothing into the joint account for months.

The way I see it I can't go back to my current job, I would not feel comfortable leaving dd for that amount of time at 11 months, and I will hopefully be breastfeeding still. Am I being too PFB or is this reasonable?

Have tried to discuss this with DP but he shuts down and gets v distressed about money, and feeling he has to support us. I can think of lots of small ways we can save money (e.g. PAYG rather than contract mobiles) but discussing this seems to upset him too. I am willing to give up lots for dd, I don't need haircuts, and I can get clothes from charity shops etc. I don't know how he feels because he won't say.

I have the general impression that he wants me to go back to work as planned, and he can look after dd while I am on resi, and she can go to CM/nursery/grandparents during the day.

My parenting style involves creating multiple rods for my back, I bf on demand, slig her, co-sleep, respond to a cry in milliseconds etc - this is not a decision I made, this is how it feels right to me, and I enjoy it.

I would really value your input - I've not done this before

It sounds like you can't afford it tbh. Sorry. You can save a bit of money, but it's not going to make up for the fact you basically won't have a salary coming in.

Not got long but just wanted to say you only get these years once and before you know it she'll be at school. If you can manage I would stay at home. I have to go back to work in September, my dd2 will be 7 months but I'd stay at home until she started school if we could afford it but sadly we can't.

My oldest is nearly 12 and all the old cliches about how fast the time goes are so true - enjoy every minute!

It sounds like he might be a bit upset that he's not 'providing' better.
I don't know what to suggest.

I definitely think you need to sort out DP. How come when he is a father he still feels the need to be secretive about his earnings?

You need to know what his current and prospective income is before you can make any decision. Then you can discuss where you can save money. Then whether you can both afford for you to give up work.

For him to shut down and refuse to discuss it is childish and unacceptable.

So, if I can't afford it should I look for a new job that doesn't involve overnights/could be part time? Or is me being away for 3days/2 nights not really an issue?

Up to you, I would try to find something else which means you don't have to go away. I think the fact your partner hasn't put anything into the joint account 'for months' combined with him shutting down about it means he can't support you to be a SAHM and is feeling bad about it, because it's obviously what you want

You need to work out childcare costs, and whether you'll actually earn anything once you've paid them. On your salary, I'm not sure going back to work would make financial sense if you need to pay for ft childcare. How much can he have your DC? How much can grandparents have her? What to other childcare options cost?

If between DP and GP's you can get free pt childcare, then you could ask to go back p-t. If they say no, you could not go back to work, but continue looking for p-t.

If you can get your DP to open up about his work, it may be that there is something you can help with from home that will improve profitability. Or a business you can set up from home yourself. I'd look at lots of options, rather than working ft/being a SAHM.

You need to talk to dp and work through his finances. If you know what he is bringing in you can work out any Tax Credits which may be available(unless the coaloition has scrapped them by Sept).

You need to work out your rent/mortgage costs for a start, SAHM is great but not if you have no home.

Could you go to work part-time. You employer has to try and accommodate you now you are a parent and overnight stays are not workable for you. They may well refuse but they have to give a valid reason why.

I hope you can work something out, I am a SAHM for 14 years now, my youngest is almost 2 and UI wouldn't of changed that for the world.

You're asking people on a message board when this is a decision you can only make with your dp.

It sound s like your family needs your financial support as well as the support of a second person bringing in income, in case thigns goes pear-shaped with the first person's income.

No one here can advise you properly.

So, if I could afford it do you believe that being at home is the best option?

Maybe I should have a conversation with my (retired and well off) dad. I hate asking for help, but where needs must...

Even if I do go back to work our income would be vastly reduced through childcare expenses.

butterbur I sort of agree with you, and he makes me soooo angry sometimes, especially when he spends his money on daft things. Problem is I think he is depressed, and I don't want to rock the boat - I can't deal with him on top of the baby

Doing your best re your relationship with your partner and with your children is the best option.

pointydog don't worry -I won't be making any major life decisions based on mumsnet

Because I am a first-time mum, and no-one I know has babies I don't really know what is realistic -I just wanted to bounce some ideas around, get some different perspectives...

Have you got a real grip on how much childcare is? Over the years have used a range of childcare optinons, but have never paid less thatn £650-ish a month for 3 days a week. Anything cheaper may well be a setting you aren't happy with, and for which you may well seriously regret using later on. Unless of course you are getting the tax credits which help?

I think I will be getting some tax credits -but yes we can't really afford childcare either , hoping to get GPs to help out either financially or practically

No-one on here can answer whether staying at home is the best option, as it is so personal to the individual's circumstances and feelings.

I mother like you do - sling wearing, natural term bf etc.., and am a SAHM. IT suits me. Then again. I'm financially organised and would worry if we couldn't cover our costs, and am lucky that DH earns enough for both of us. I don't know what I'd do in your situation; quite possibly look for a new job working pt. £14,500 wouldn't be enough of an inducement to be away form my children all day every day and 2 nights a fortnight.

My advice is
-look at childcare costs
-force DP to discuss finances, to check on TC (and get him in to GP at same time)
-Feel out your Dad about childcare/a loan whatever.

And a bit nearer the time, ask your employer about p/t.

Could you become SAHM and train as childminder? That way you could look after dc and have some income?
I became a SAHM last year (from a 30k job) and really enjoy it most of time. But then I'm a bit hung up about the whole no one can look after dd as well as myself thing.
Also you don't get that time back so enjoy it while it lasts.
Would your partner consider being SAHD until his employment improves?

I went back to work full time after three months because I was the breadwinner (and became a single parent at 4 months). I was very pro attachment parenting. It's not incompatible with working if the baby still has a strong relationship with the carer. If your partner's income is so unreliable (and in the current economic climate, that's probably unlikely to improve much), could you and your DP consider him being a SAHD and you being the main earner? The only thing you do that your DP can't is breast feed, but he can meet your DDs needs just as well as you can if he's willing. You can still breastfeed (though you will need to get a pump and express), co-cleep and baby-wear, and your baby will have the benefit of two extremely hands-on parents plus a reliable income.

Hope it works out.

Thanks for all of the responses - it's really helping to get things straight in my head having someone to talk to.

It's still all very scary though _ I never realised DD would change my life this much

I know a couple where one is self-employed and the other parent works part-time and they have a mortgage - they are a low-income family. They have two DC pre-school age and manage fine, so it can be done. They obviously rely heavily on WTC/CTC to survive though - not sure how you feel about that??

I personally would do everything in my power not to work in the early years because they grow so quickly and before you know it they're off to nursery/school!

Hope it all works out. But keep in mind to make a decision which works for you longterm too. New babies are so overwhelming and I always found it hard to think longterm! If you give up your job, do you work in something you can get back into fairly easily? And how important is that to you?

While you'll never get the baby years back, you may also never get back to where you were. Finding part time work is hard, but your work maybe able to offer you something as they already know you. So it is a decision only you can make to balance to long and short term demands.

I don't think anyone else has mentioned this yet but if DD is 11 month she is old enough to be aware of hr surroundings and there are benefits in terms of socialisation if they are at CM or nursery. depending on where you are costs will vary. As others have said, there are many variables and every situation is different so you can only do what is right for you but I do think you need to get your DP to communicate better, be open about his finances and frankly, get over himself enough to talk you so you can make this decision together and in full knowledge of the facts.

I'm assuming you don't live together as you seem to have a strange financial set-up so how practical is it that he looks after her?

If I'm wrong and you do live together then before doing anything else you really need to sort out the financial side of things with your DP. It is neither reasonable nor acceptable for him to be so secretive about his financial situation. If you were to become a SAHM, this would be a horrendous situation. If you become a SAHM, you need a joint account into which all income is paid so you have free and equal access.

Also, if he is earning so little, why can't he SAH and look after DD and you go back to work happy. Ok, you'd need to EBM but that's doable. At least you wouldn't have childcare costs that way.

I really think you need to sort out the situation with your DP before you consider anything else. Good luck!

Actually Trixie, the evidence suggests that between 9 and 16mths is the worse time to start sending a child to daycare. Before 9mths and they adapt very easily and as they approach 18mths they start to become more independent but at 11mths, the OP's DD is right in the middle of the nervous, clingy stage where they are often distraught without their parents if they have been so used to one to one.

Oh and proper socialisation is not needed until 3yrs. I'm not at all against returning to work and using daycare but the reality is that the need for socialisation only comes about when they reach the age of autonomy which is around 3yrs.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine although our financial situation may or may not be different, I do feel empathy for your stance at the moment.

We seem to have quite similar parenting styles, and I knew instinctively that I didn't want to face leaving ds to go back to work. I know it's not a choice everyone can or would want to make, but I am so so glad that I have stayed with him, and as is often mentioned, it is really only a few years. Also, as archstanton says above, the need for independent socialisation comes at a later age (around 3), and you can take dd to cheap or free toddler groups in the meantime.

If you can afford to eat and have housing, you might find that you can manage it. I only shop in charity shops for clothes, do very economical food shopping, and really don't have a fund for going out or doing anything for myself, but that is a miniscule price to pay for the wonderful time spent with ds. A lot of people who earn around what we do, with similar mortgages, said that there's no way they could afford to SAH, but I really think there's a lot you can sacrifice if it's very important to you.

If it's not viable completely, would there be an option of working, as one of my friends does, from say 6.30-10.30pm to bring in money but not miss too much quality time? Really hope something works out for you.

archstanton we do live together, but we have our own accounts and a joint account which we both (are meant to) pay the same amount into for stuff we share food etc. I actually like this setup as it means I can spend "my" money frivolously without feeling I am wasting "our" money

DP being a SAHD isn't really possible - he'd have to effectively shut down his business and would be unable to restart it.

ooosabeauta thank you for your post We are lucky in that we play a nominal rent to his parents for use of granny flat, so we are secure that way. And I think a combo of child benefit and tax-credits would buy food. I have no problem with living off the state - I have paid my taxes and will do again in the future.

I am happy to give up lots for DD, I already have, and I don't resent her at all for it. The problem is that at the moment all the "sacrifices" are on my side, and I don't think DP is willing to change his life.

Poor boy - I don't think he knew/knows what he's getting himself into e.g. he could give up his 3x week martial arts classes which would give us an additional £60pm, or his iphone contract £40 per month, or daft wee things like not buying so much beer (only 3 bottles a week but as a non-drinker I am not sympathetic).

But if I suggest any of this he will put on his ultra-depressed face, and say fine, and I will feel incredibly guilty and back away from the subject for ever.

So essentially, I am willing to give up everything for DD no problem at all, DP isn't - and the problem is I am currently in some ways funding him (because I pay for all of the joint stuff), so I can't just give up stuff on my side to fund me staying at home IYSWIM

With regard to socialisation there is gazillions of free stuff around

Humph, maybe I should move this thread to relationships