Should I become a SAHM?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Currently on mat leave. Have had the realisation that I want to bring up my daughter rather than CM or nursery.

My current job, which I had intended to return to pays 14,500pa, mon-fri and requires me to be away for three days 2 nights every fortnight. I could ask to not do the residential element but that is a pretty integral art of the job.

My partner is self-employed and really struggling. I don't know what his take home pay is but he has put nothing into the joint account for months.

The way I see it I can't go back to my current job, I would not feel comfortable leaving dd for that amount of time at 11 months, and I will hopefully be breastfeeding still. Am I being too PFB or is this reasonable?

Have tried to discuss this with DP but he shuts down and gets v distressed about money, and feeling he has to support us. I can think of lots of small ways we can save money (e.g. PAYG rather than contract mobiles) but discussing this seems to upset him too. I am willing to give up lots for dd, I don't need haircuts, and I can get clothes from charity shops etc. I don't know how he feels because he won't say.

I have the general impression that he wants me to go back to work as planned, and he can look after dd while I am on resi, and she can go to CM/nursery/grandparents during the day.

My parenting style involves creating multiple rods for my back, I bf on demand, slig her, co-sleep, respond to a cry in milliseconds etc - this is not a decision I made, this is how it feels right to me, and I enjoy it.

I would really value your input - I've not done this before

TBH, your problem is your relationship not your childcare.

Why are you treating him with kidgloves? He is a father which means his child must come first. Yes, he is entitled to a few nice things but not at the expense of his daughter of your relationship.

He sounds like he needs to grow up. It does sound a bit like you're saying, 'well he's just a man and you know what they're like'. If a woman you knew behaved like this and her husband was dispairing, would you be more judgy? You are acting like you're his mother too.

He needs to grow up and step up to the mark. If his company is not viable he needs to shut it down or put it on the back burner and get another job. Why can't he do that for the sake of his child? Would you? The majority of parents would.

As for not knowing what he was getting into?? Surely you discussed how you would raise your children. How you would finance their needs. How as parents, that would bring sacrifices.

As things stand it sounds like you'd be a SAHM to two children.

archstanton - thanks for that! I have just started my 11 month old with his childminder this week. Can't be helped really but feel bad now! He is a pretty happy chap generally so fingers crossed.

i think you should sit down woth your dp and go thorough list of pros and cons
speak to family on how much they can help with childcare and how much it would actually cost you, can you work part time?

in my case it was more financially beneficial for me to stay at home as we didnt qualify for working tax credits and nursey costs were higher (£50 a day) than my wages
i did make sure we went to playgroups etc as interaction with other children is so important and many SAHM forget about...

to me it sounds like you just cant afford not to go back to work your dp being self employed and struggling at the moment

if you could work part time and have your dd wit your dp and parents when your at work ? that would mean no childcare costs!

good luck!

..on another note
i think your being a bit selfish here
you will take away gym and i phone of your bloke to save 100 pm and put all pressure of bringing money in on him...
its a slippery slope form here
so what you willingly cut back on clothes and haircut? he may not want to just so you can stay at home

We actually save quite a bit ourselves (and for the "taxpayer") by me not working out of the house. DP earns around £11,000, and I earn maybe half that working from home around the kids.

It's not too hard- obviously we don't have money to splash about, but we just get a bus pass each, annual passes to attractions, use the extra time to cook from scratch, hand me down/homemade/ebay/charity clothes and toys, lots of long walks for free, breastfeed, go to surestart groups, find out about discounts for low incomes and so on.

We also get quite a bit in tax credits.

www.entitledto.co.uk is the best place to try out different figures.

I think a lot of people include things like holidays, cars, lunches out and so on when they say they can't afford something. Children (well, my eldest is three so I don't know about older ones) don't actually cost that much to "run".

I don't see that it makes financial sense for you to work. £14,500 per year works out at £1200 a month gross, about £900 net. Nursery or CM full-time would be that amount or more. Do you have good prospects in your field, would it make sense to work for close to nothing for a few years but get more senior etc?

Trixie, I'm sorry to have upset you. It's just a fact of life. I'm sure your DS will be fine.

I know a CM who will not accept children between 9mth and 13mths as she believes they just don't settle and become anxious. She thinks 6 or 7mths is the best time as they just adapt but of course most mums want to spend more time with their DCs before going back to work.

I think if it was me, I'd start them p/t at 7mths then up it when I returned to work at 12mths. But of course, life is never so ideal. Try not to worry, I'm sure your CM is very good and will help him settle ASAP.

I had a good think about things last night. I figure that it may be doable if I really cut back/get child benefits/tax credits/ part time job in the evening. And DP wouldn't have to give up anything so not being selfish.

No prospects in current job, I absolutely love it, but it's not going anywhere, and I would love it less if I had to see so little of DD.

re part time evening work - is that sort of thing available? Supermarket near me is open to 10 so do they do evening shift e.g. 7-10? That would be ideal as could leave DD with DP for a few hours, and earn enough to keep DD clothed

I did work out before that putting DD in nursery would leave me with maybe £200pm out of my wages - so yes - we're in dire straits whatever I do

good luck im sure it will work out fine

I used to do a 6-10 shift at a nursing home- would that be any good?

Direct selling is good and very flexible- this is my website

I think a lot of supermarkets have late shifts too- shelf stacking gets done later on I think.

Agree with Butterpie, when my DD was small I worked 2 twelve hours shifts in a nursing home - one on a Saturday and one on a weekday. GP looked after DD on the weekday and DH very quickly learnt the needs of very small baby. Brought home about £850 per month. Hard work - no denying that but worth it to have most of my days free. There are other options for working - maybe if you set something up DP might be more agreeable to the change. Good luck!

Sorry but.... martial arts 3 x a week, WTF?!! That's just not realistic, mate!!

Agree with the previous posters... your problem sounds more like your relationship than your child, or your childrearing philosophy (we do all on your list bar co-sleep and yes, sometimes it is v. wearying!) This baby/toddler/DC2 phase of life is very challenging... but (and I'm going to go all cliched on you now) what would your end-of-life self tell you to do? Would you regret not SAH for a time (remember, it doesn't have to be forever!). Can you talk honestly to your partner about how you feel? And put it into the perspective that it's not an eternity?

Well, I think there's a few things going on here.

Firstly, you can't unilaterally decide that you want to stay at home and he should support the household if he's never agreed to that set up. It's not an inherent right of women to be supported by men just because they want to be - and I am not at all denigrating the work of a SAHP, it's a valuable job in its own right, but it still requires someone else to be the sole breadwinner. I'd have been pretty horrified if after our daughter's birth my husband turned around and said hey, decided not to go back to work, you'll have to earn more so I can stay at home. I think most women would be.

So for one, he's going to have to be actually on board. If you force this on him, he's going to be unhappy, and you're going to resent him, and it's going to be horrible.

Secondly, if he DOES agree, and mean it, you're going to have to rework your finances as a couple. You can't be reliant for income on a man who won't tell you what he earns or how it's spent. It's going to have to be family money.

Thirdly, it sounds like he doesn't earn anywhere near enough to support you anyway - he's not even contributing to the household at the moment, let alone carrying it! Asking him to give up his "three bottles of beer a week" is totally OTT. I know you want to stay home with your daughter, and it's very easy to get into the mindset of "what could be more important than these years" but everyone needs a few luxuries, especially if they're not the one reaping the rewards - I mean, he doesn't get to spend more time with his daughter under this arrangement, does he?

Fourthly, and despite the above, he does sound like he's bad with money, and doesn't want the responsibility of a breadwinner, and that's pretty immature. While I don't think it's fair on you to insist that he gives up everything to support you, I do think it's out of line that he's got these expensive hobbies and yet isn't even paying into the joint account at all. That needs addressing.

Fifthly, I'm a bit confused about "she can go to CM/nursery/grandparents during the day" - have you asked the grandparents? TBH it sounds like you two haven't really thought a lot of this through at all if you don't know what childcare arrangements are possible or likely.

So I think the upshot of all of this is:
You need to consider a new job if you can't bear being away from her for overnights (I'd find that hard as well), and cobble together childcare using as much family support as you've got (without imposing on them) to keep the costs down.

If it helps, my parenting style is the same as yours, and I've worked and been the breadwinner since my daughter was 5 months. She was ebf and weaned at 16 months, slung, we co-slept on and off and have always responded quickly at night. It's never been a bar to working.

It sounds like you are expecting your parents to help out financially whether you go back to work or not? In which case, you should probably be talking to them as much as your dh.

I ended up being a SAHM, which was not what dh and I planned. In a way I was lucky that I was only bringing in a meagre phd scholarship before, so my contribution was not missed to much. Nevertheless, things have gotten tighter as prices have risen (although not as bad as it sounds like your situation would be) and it does put a strain on the relationship, especially when dh feels like he has to be the breadwinner but can't get himself any 'treats'. And it does sound like you are expecting your dp to give up a lot. But then it also sounds like your financial situation will be the same whether you work or not and either way you will both have to give up a lot.

Wow! I thought this thread had died

I'm not meant to be returning to work until next april, hence why nothing is at all settled.

Have had a chat to DP, and had a rough look at finances - pretty much if I assume 10hrspw at min wage that is much of a muchness with current job minus childcare.

It'll be tight, but I think I'll manage. And yes, I'm pretty sure I would live in regret if I didn't take this opportunity...

Thanks again for the input - as I said i thought this thread had died

Is your husband on board with the idea now?

Well I told him that if he could make enough money to support himself - I would make enough to support me and DD and family stuff - so nothing changes for him - so he couldn't really not be on board

If it was me I would do anything i could to be able to SAH. Time is very valuable and in my opinion being with a parent who wants to be there is beneficial. Work actually ends up costing if you have to pay for childcare and have decent clothes etc. Make a list of how you could save. I have SAH since my 2nd child and far prefer it although i study and volunteer incase the need/want arises to go back to work.

Just to add I always think it's really selfish for men to want their kids in childcare just so they can have more money for tat (I know in many cases the money is for food etc), I know several men like this and their wives are working basically to pay for their OHs toys... How selfish.

As someone else said, you don't want to look back in a few years and wish that you'd been there!

Before my first DD was born (she's nearly five now) I did a PGCE and became a primary teacher. It was the first time I'd really enjoyed my job and it gave me a real sense of achievment and fulfilment. I did that for two years but when DD1 was born, I decided that I couldn't imagine leaving her and became a SAHM. I stayed at home for just over two years and then got a pretty low paid (comapred to teaching) job as a nursery assistant. My DP doea have a decent job and salary but we're by no means rich! From the age of two, DD1 came with me to work. I did this job for two more years until DD2 came along in March this year. I'm now on mat leave from this job and may or may not go back in next year, but if I do it'll only be two mornings per week and grandparents can help with childcare.

What I'm saying in a long-winded way is that for us, it was worth being pretty strapped for cash during DD1s first couple of years and I feel that she really benefitted from having me around. She is now a confident, bright and sociable child about to start school in September!