Parenting differences with H. Can some men just not be suited to parenthood?

[whatname]

I am SAHM.
DS is 2.7, very headstrong and having lots of tantrums/meltdowns at the moment. I do think he is at the extreme end of the scale, but I am sure it is within normal boundaries.
H works very hard,and TBH doesn't see DS that much as he comes in late from work.
So I do 99% of the parenting.
The weekends always turn into a nightmare because H can't really handle DS. We have some great times altogether, but they seem to be limited. As soon as DS says/does anything wrong, or whinges or I take too longer coercing him, H loses his patience.

But just last night, H came in from work decent hour, and he put is feet straight in the paddling pool, cos it was so hot. DS was so excited to see him and they were laughing and joking around the pool. DS took teddy bear, and was going to drop him in the pool. H said no, gave him no reason, no warning, and just threw the teddy bear back into the house.
DS started howling, he was sobbing, had no idea what was going on.Am I wrong in thinking this is just mean?!
I have had so many conversations with H about explaining things to DS, and how much he doesn't understand, to no avail.He treats him like an adult

H and I are going to separate soon, and my biggest worry is that any quality time they should be spending together will be spoilt and indeed DS will end up traumatised cos H won't know what to do.

Very confused.

If you're separating soon your ds is probably picking up on the tension tbh and presumably you don't get on?

I honestly don't think that is a major part of it. H has always been like this, its like he doesn't understand that children need to be taught, they are not just little adults.
We have kept our disagreements from DS.
I know they can pick up on anything, but H and I are amicable (obviously to a point)
It's his unreasonable behaviour that is causing our split, and this type of thing is just part of it.

I see what you mean
I'm not sure what you can do about it though except lead by example so hopefully he'll hear how you are with ds and hopefully emulate it
however maybe dh feels undermined by you iyswim
you have to let them get on with their relationship especially as you're separating

Perhaps you could encourage them to do more things together like go swimming on a Sunday etc? Take a back seat for a bit

Oh and DS has always been a handful, it's not a result of me and H.

I'm just trying to see if anyone has any experience of DH not being hands on, and not coping with children, and then if you separated how did he have good times with the children? or how did you deal with it?
And is the teddy bear thing mean, or is that the way he dealt with DS and I shouldn't be so protective?

i never explain these things properly?!!

he might be rubbish at this bit,but once ds is 5,6,11 etc he might be great!!

he's not as in tune with him as you are....

yeah, he is tonnes better now than he was when DS was a baby

Some people are not suited to parenthood. It's not a gender thing.
Don't know your full story, obviously, but if you are getting rid of your H because he is a bully then maybe supervised contact between him and your DS might be the way to go.

he does feel a bit useless and undermined by me.
See I would love to be able to send them swimming but H would have a drama even dressing him!!And God forbid if he wanted to go to the toilet. I wouldn't care if he came home wet or with clothes on back to front, but H couldn't cope with it.Seriously.

there is a rugbytots that they could do together. I might see if I can get them into that.
He does try and do things with him, but would never just take him to the park(at the bottom of the road)
He is supposedly getting help with his issues, but that's no good for right now

Actually, if you watched the biology of fatherhood programme on bbc4 the other night, it was talking about exactly this sort of thing. Mothers do explain and empathise more, fathers just lay down the law. it was really interesting, and essentially it said chilren ideally need both sorts of discipline to learn how the world works. It showed two different families discussing contentious issues with older childrenand it really was interesting how fathers spoke differently to their children.

I worry my oh may be like this, but figure children will figure out different styles of parenting soon enough.

He is not a bully with DS, he just has no tolerance or patience or understanding.

He takes it all out on me verbally, which is why we are separating.

Supervised access would be a bit much, he does adore DS, and i trust him completely.
I just worry that his parenting style(!!) would be detrimental, or am I being overprotective? should I just let them get on with it,
thanks Haggis, that's the kind of thing I mean
I know lots of people who parenting styles I disagree with, doesn't mean they are wrong.Just different

Could he be persuaded to do some parenting classes? The surestart centres run some short courses. You could go with him, on the pretext of it being good for DS if you are both singing from the same hymnsheet (horrible expression!) or whatever, once you're separated. It might be easier for him to 'learn' if it comes from a third party. I think they are probably not such a bad idea for all parents actually - not just for 'problem' cases!

Yes, it does seem a little harsh to throw the teddy indoors with no warning/explanation, but if you say he doesn't actually bully DS, then its not such a problem. Provided DS loves him and knows your H loves him, then they will work out their own way to muddle through. Also, once he is spending more one on one time with him, he'll have much more opportunity to see what avoids tantrums, without having you to fall back on when it all goes pear shaped. But... it will help hugely if you can both agree on the absolute no no 'rules' that cannot be broken at either house (e.g. no hurting people or property etc).

classes would be a good idea, only issue is time. He works long hours and trying to organise anything like that is ridiculous.
However he has never even picked up a parenting book and is quite scathing of them. I have only read baby one and Toddler Taming.I don't read them all, but obviously read a lot on here!!

So long as there is no risk of the child coming to actual harm I think sometimes people like this being thrown in at the deep end can work.
It takes time to figure out how to deal with a child - you've had time to go through that learning curve but your DH hasn't. When he's alone with DS for longer periods of time he'll soon get sick of DS getting upset by things he does and figure out how to deal with things so that he doesn't upset the child. same for using the toilet etc, when you're seperated and he has DS for a day's access without you there he'll just have to deal with it, and he will.
He won't ever parent DS in exactly the same way you do, and he shouldn't but DS and he will figure out their way of doing things in time, they just need the space and time to do that.

Thanks Robyn, that's the way I am thinking.
Remember in Kramer vs Kramer and Dustin Hoffman had no clue, and then at the end they are making eggybread together.

now I fancy eggybread for lunch!

I agree with Haggisfish - women are better at empathy and sometimes that is what children need. Sometimes they also need 'the laying down of the law' probably. I guess a mixture of both approaches will be good for equipping children to cope in the real world later on. Someone wise said to me once that 95% of parenting 'techniques' are fine, maybe different, but ok. It is extreme ways either way which do the damage.

A man with no 'patience, tolerance or understanding' and who 'takes it out on you' - I assume that means he's at least verbally abusive to you. A bully, then.
I would want to tread carefuly with giving a bully unsupervised access to a small child, I really would. Because small DC can be maddening, but most of us manage not to do more than yell or maybe discreetly kick the doorframe or something...

i was going to suggest parenting classes but tbh it doesn't sound like he would do them, or at least not with an open mind.

good luck, at least you can be there for your ds when his dad impatient and intolerant.

In answer to the OP, some men can be twats

My OH works extremely hard and generally works 7 days a week. When he comes in around 7ish (if lucky) he cant cope with the children.

He has never enjoyed the baby stage and DS1 is now 4 so they can go off together and because it involves plant, machinery etc he loves it.

H cant stand being left with DS2 (14 months) just cant bothered to do the entertaining thing and OH gets fustrated with his moods. Doesnt seem to get much joy watching him either.

OH will lose it and cant stand the not being in control and the children not doing what he requests.

I'd love to tell my OH to go to parenting classes..Not!!!!

I wouldnt call my hubby a bully or be worried about leaving him with the children. I think my hubby is selfish and a bit of a control freak. so I disagree with SGB.

I really feel for you. Its so confusing knowing what to do for the best. You just want whats best for ds. I have experience of this through my brother in law(not very good at abreviations)

Some men really are useless at baby stage. My sister regrets not taking a step back and forcing hubby to get on with it. Its so very hard to step abck and let it happen as a loving mum.

I'm sure it will all be ok in time. Your son will get through the terrible 2s and you oh will find him easier to deal with.

Its so sad that you're splitting. Would you not try councilling?

If you can find a way through this very difficult stage it does get easier. There are so many adjustments to be made to your life and everything changes so fast.
I wish you the best of luck!!!!

Can I just point out that not all men fit into the "can't do empathy but great with machinery" category. And not all mums are good at natural empathy either- it's just that a mum is usually left to get on with it whether she does it well or not.

Dh is better at empathy and dealing with small children than most of the mums I know. (But they might well be better at machinery...)

bacon, your situation sounds very similar, doesn't it make you really sad though. I want H to get as much enjoyment out of DS as i do. He is very much a control freak and selfish too, so maybe thats part of it.
SGB, I do get where you are coming from, but fundamentally he has no understanding of children, is the teddy bear incident not just the same as a yell, or discreetly kicked doorframe? I don't know, I feel it's worse, because it had a direct influence on DS. When I say he takes it out on me, I just mean we argue and I try and try to tell him how unreasonable he is but he cant see sense.
i wouldn't say he is a bully to me. When i say he is controlling, he doesn't try to control me or what I do, it's just when things are out of his control he freaks.
EmMinty, thanks, we did try counselling, and it has made him see that he is unreasonable and needs to seek further help, but that doesn't really help on a day to day basis. He is going to get help, he so wants to be a better person, but its going to take time, and I don't deserve to be treated badly. he has a lot of issues from his past and a lot of stress in his life and I have tried to help him, but he has to help himself.
I am getting all my ducks in a row re divorce, but for now it's separation.

thanks for all your messages