Parenting differences with H. Can some men just not be suited to parenthood?

[whatname]

I am SAHM.
DS is 2.7, very headstrong and having lots of tantrums/meltdowns at the moment. I do think he is at the extreme end of the scale, but I am sure it is within normal boundaries.
H works very hard,and TBH doesn't see DS that much as he comes in late from work.
So I do 99% of the parenting.
The weekends always turn into a nightmare because H can't really handle DS. We have some great times altogether, but they seem to be limited. As soon as DS says/does anything wrong, or whinges or I take too longer coercing him, H loses his patience.

But just last night, H came in from work decent hour, and he put is feet straight in the paddling pool, cos it was so hot. DS was so excited to see him and they were laughing and joking around the pool. DS took teddy bear, and was going to drop him in the pool. H said no, gave him no reason, no warning, and just threw the teddy bear back into the house.
DS started howling, he was sobbing, had no idea what was going on.Am I wrong in thinking this is just mean?!
I have had so many conversations with H about explaining things to DS, and how much he doesn't understand, to no avail.He treats him like an adult

H and I are going to separate soon, and my biggest worry is that any quality time they should be spending together will be spoilt and indeed DS will end up traumatised cos H won't know what to do.

Very confused.

Well they went to rugbytots this morning and had great fun. And now h has been asleep for 4 hours when we were supposed to be having a nice day with ds.

Are you living my life? You can keep it if you like.

I worry about this. I also worry that once we do split dd1 won't want to see him. I worry about leaving dd2 with him because of the way he snaps and the ferocity of which he does it. How much further would he go if I wasn't there to reign him in? Would he start hitting them? Calling them names?

At the same time I want him to part of their lives for their sake.

It's hard isn't it?

FWIW I don't think DH is a natural parent. I think he loves his children and would never intentionally cause them physical or emotional harm, but he struggles hold his temper and to see past his own needs. If they are being noisy they must stop immediately because it irritates him, never mind their right to play and learn

I don't have much advise just lots of sympathy and support. I hope it gets easier. I am hoping that, perhaps losing us will give DH the kick he needs to understand just how bad his behaviour can be at times.

Thanks Shiney, sorry you have to go through it as well. It sucks

whatname, is your H a bully? Or does he just do things differently to you? I can't see a problem with saying 'No' to dropping a teddy in a paddling pool, and I can't see a problem with it going inside. I don't think it's mean, and I think a 2.7 aged child should be able to accept that you don't throw teddies in the water.

WRT swimming, why should your DS come out wet with clothes back to front? Why couldn't your DH expect to dress him properly?

I get irritated by my DH's way with the children sometimes, and I can spend forever thinking that I wouldn't say that, do that, make them wait, whatever. But he is as good a parent as I am, just different.

I think explaining to a child why something is not a good idea and stopping them gently is better than just getting annoyed immediately. Why SHOULD a two year old know that it is not a good idea? I think the OP wouldn't have let her son drop the teddy in the water either, just that she would have handled it differently.

Maybe my 2.7 aged child was different, but she knew by that age that it wasn't what we do, so a 'no' was enough.

Your H sounds as if he has relationship issues in a general way, not just parenting issues.

I think that you are being a tad too controlling. You DS needs to learn different styles of parenting and you are undermiing him by acting like he can't learn the differences. You are also undermining you H by not trusting him with his own son. He needs to find his own way, he barely gets any time with him as it is and it sounds like whatever time he does get is supervised and organised by you. They need to spend a decent amount of time, alone together, without you hovering over them. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if I was your H I would be feeling patronised. No harm is going to come to your DS, things might not go as smoothly as they do when he is with you, but so what? They need to find their own groove and you need to take a step back.

How nice for you Lougle. But not all children are so tractable. Mine aren't, although I have been firm and had clear boundaries from the first.

Do you not ever explain why not when you say no? Or do you just say no? If that works for you fine. I prefer to offer an explanation first as I want DS to understand why I am saying no.

I read the OP as saying that her husband became irritated with her son trying to put the bear in the paddling pool in the first place, expecting an adult understanding of why that is a bad idea. This resulted in a meltdown. Not brilliant parenting really, things could have gone better.

Goodness me, tractable? No. I think my children are among the most stubborn I have come across.

DD1 (4.6) has Special Needs, and still doesn't understand consequences, etc. However, on a good day, she remembers that if Mummy gets to 3, it is a bad, bad, thing, and she won't like it. But that has taken huge amounts of hard work.

DD2 is the 2.7 I was referring to. She is now 2.11. She is very headstrong, quite infuriatingly so. She decides if she follows the rules, and she either does, or she doesn't. She is very open about it all.

DD3 is 1.2, and already I don't go a day without someone saying "She'll be a challenge!" Fiesty, headstrong, determined, confident. Lots of character, which needs to be 'shaped' with care.

I wasn't saying that DD2 wouldn't have thought of throwing a teddy in for a swim. But, given that she WOULD know that 'we don't do that', I wouldn't see the need to explain 'why not'. We don't drop teddies in the water. Full stop. So 'no' will do, and ideally removing it and returning it to its rightful place would be done with care, but the OP's DH had just got his feet into a paddling pool after a hard day's work. What was wrong with a well-aimed throw into the house?

I don't think the OP's husband was expecting an adult understanding, at all. I think a 2.7 aged child who is Neurologically Typical, can understand in a child's way that teddy gets wet, and teddy's can't swim.

I also think that it is a little harsh to decide that this man is a bad parent based on one example. I mean, I would hardly choose my worst examples if I had to describe my own parenting, would you?

I didn't say he was a bad parent. I said that I could imagine it could have been handled better.

From your post it seems that you don't just say no in an arbitary way anyway, so we obviously don't disagree. But if I am right and the OP's DH got annoyed with him for trying to put the teddy in then I think that isn't good management.

Humphrey, I don't say no in an arbitrary way, but I expect my children think I do

Gosh you have small gaps too.

I struggle with 3.6 DS and 20m DD.

That is probably why I got all defensive over what I perceived as a No should mean no comment!

Nah, don't feel defensive - No should mean no, but rarely does it mean no as quickly as it should. With DD1 having Special Needs, I have to learn to only fight the battle when I have the energy to see it to its (very loooonng) conclusion.

whataname My dp doesn't have the patience to deal with our ds's.
Both my boys are quite challenging, but like what you said in your OP, I am a strong believer in warnings, explanations, vocal preparation and so on and dp isn't. he seems to either forget, or just not care that ds1 is not even 3
I have been over and over the things I really don't like, like the shouting, the ignoring and so on and dp tells me I am too soft on them.
I am not soft, I am quite strict really, but I try t understand how they must be feeling, especially when they may be experiencing emotions they don't really understand.
My dp thinks yelling "stop acting up" is suitable for a nearly 3 year old, but if I don't always understand what it is ds1 is doing that is "acting up" how can ds1?

My dp just doesn't measure up, and sometimes I wonder what I'm still doing here.
he never does anything with the children. he has just had 2 weeks off of work and do you know how much child free time I have had?
1 hour

Goin to read all the replies now

Have skim-read the replies on here and I agree that it is/can be important for children to have both the stated roles (one parent who will empathise and one who will just lay down the law), but the thing that really bothers me, is I worry that my ds's will learn how to be a father from my dp and I'm not sure my dp is the best father he could be, and not the sort of father I'd like my children to be iyswim.

Right will try to explain some of this. Ds is trying. But they were having fun and laughing and h just shouted no and threw threw the teddy 20 ft back into the house. Of course I wouldn't have let him put the teddy in the water, but it just seemed more of a loss of control on h's part rather than an attempt to teach ds. With regards to the swimming I just mean h goes into a mini meltdown anytime he has to do anything at all regarding the physical parenting for ds. He has changed his nappy maybe half a dozen times, and "looked after" him on a couple of occasions if I have had a night out, one of which was my hen do. Never feeds him, when I was breeding I expressed and tried so hard to get him to give h his last bottle. He has never got up with him during the night, and ds never really been a good sleeper. Eg was up 4 times last night. Never dresses him. He can just about put on his shoes and fasten the car seat. He has recently made an effort to take him out and one day after being in richmond park for hours they came back at 3pm and when I asked what he had had for lunch, he hadn't fed him. They had an ice cream. Now I know that's not the end of the world, but it hadn't occurred to him that it was three hours past lunchtime. I try so hard to let them get on with it, and I never say anything, I just watch h getting all worked up. I really don't think I am controlling, I try very hard not to be. Anyway, things come to a head tonight, so looks like I will be leaving tomorrow. H screamed at me that I was a fucking cunt and ds repeated it. Nice.

I am so sorry whatname. It is an awful situation you are in. Can't post more as have ds on my lap but will pop in later to see how you are getting on.1223

Actually I?m sorry but I think you sound just as controlling as your husband. You have one style or parenting, his this therefore wrong. You say he couldn?t cope with taking your son swimming, so therefore you don?t even give him the chance. Of course he doesn?t know how to interact with your ds without winding him up ? do you ever let him figure it out, or do you spend the whole time saying ?don?t do this don?t do that, see there I told you so? Also, I can easily imagine that his sleeping is a way of avoiding a ?family day? that might somewhat stick in the craw given the imminent separation.

I?m not saying your point on parenting aren?t valid, but your dh would (and indeed now will) learn them better by doing rather than being told, and he needs space to do that. Also, given the relationship breakdown, despite your protests otherwise, I?d imagine that, very naturally it?s hard for you to see much that your husband does as positive, especially in the arena (parenting) thatyou view as your core competency.

Milkmade, it is very difficult to portray exactly what you mean on here, but have actually read what I have porter? I have specifically said that I don't interfere, I don't tell him what to do or how to do it and I don't criticise. I do let him get on with it and he struggles. I have suggested many times that they do swimming or similar and he rejects it for the easy option of taking him in the car to the park. I have also said that I know lots of people who parent differently to me, I do not see this as wrong just different. Him going to bed during the weekend is not a new thing, so I doubt it's avoidance. He does what he wants to do.

posted, not porter!!!

whatmade, I would ignore the above, it is obvious that she has not inwardly digested the thread!

How are you doing? I hope today has gone more smoothly for you all.

Thanks Humphrey. I left home this morning for my parents, he is talking to allsorts of counsellors at work and all our friends are being supportive. Ds had lovely day with his cousins, that's all that matters really. O have to go back Thursday for job interview so will see what happens then. He is all tears and apologies, but I've heard it all before.

Best of luck with it all, I am so sorry you have to go through it. Glad you have a good support network in place.