How long is it ok to let baby cry for? Scared to leave the house

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

I never let baby cry alone for more than a minute or so, but last week took dd (7 weeks) to baby clinic, 30min walk away, she grizzled and cried the whole way in the sling, and I felt so guilty and horrible about it (she was hungry btw) - I've not left the house with her since as it is impossible to meet her needs when I'm on the move/ have an appointment to get to. I know I'm being a PFB parent but I really can't handle her crying.

I'm also hyperaware (paranoid) about everyone else judging me. Baby clinic was v busy and I rolled up all hot and sweaty with dd in sling, in stark contrast to all the yummy mummies in their cool white linen and Bugaboos. Their offspring were all smiles and gurgles and giggles while dd screamed like a banshee. And then I very unsubtly whipped out a boob Was mortified and traumatised and can't face going back.

I know I don't need to go, and that's fine but I know I need to start taking dd out and that thought terrifies me. Theres a really good bf group I would love to go to, but again is 30min walk away, and I would need to meet people But I can't bear making dd unhappy for those 30mins

I felt a lot like this in the early weeks of ds being born so you really are not alone.

Did you feed the baby just before you left? If you did it is likely that the 30 mins grizzling wasn't hunger. I know it is easy to say though because sometimes feeding before you leave isn't exactly easy, you may have to plan to wake the baby from a sleep to make sure they feed before you go. Or they may not be very hungry before you leave but they are 30mins later .

Another option is to just stop somewhere and feed her. If you have an appointment it may make you late but keep a mobile phone with you and call ahead to let people know if you will be late because of this.

This stage of baby is REALLY hard to fit in with normal appointments and things but it will get easier really.

You know if you ate walking for 30min you can stop anywhere to feed a baby. Sit on a wall, a cafe if there is one nearby, even sit on the floor

Problem is this is the deepest darkest depths of glasgow and I would be properly scared just stopping and feeding on the street (can't feed in sling).

I did sort of feed her before I left but had to pop her off so wouldn't be late

You poor thing. Been exactly where you are - I once pushed DD all the way to baby clinic on a really hot day with her crying. I tried stopping to feed her on a park bench and she still cried. I tried carrying her and pushing pram and she still cried. Got to clinic v hot and sweaty and both of us were in tears by that point. I felt a right pillock but made one of the best 'Mum' friends I have that day

What kind of sling do you have? My moby had a special feeding hold - I never managed it comfortably myself but maybe it would be worth investigating?

Also do you have any mum friends (or even non-mum friends) who could walk over with you for moral support?

IKWYM re getting out of the house as it is important for your own sanity so don't give up entirely.

It does and will get easier - promise

Get a wrap sling and breastfeed on the move. MY ds was a real little whinger and the only time he was calm was in the Kari Me.

And also, don't ever feel embarassed at a baby group. It is the last place in teh world people shoudl get sniffy about crying babies and exposed boobs. Those 'perfect' mums will be finding it all just as difficult as you are, I guarantee it.

sorry x-posts re feeding in the sling

Can you plan a route that involves a bf friendly cafe stop or quiet park you would feel safe in? Even if a little bit longer, at least you know you have a 'haven' in case of needing to feed and if you don't well, you get where you are going early

I never managed to feed in a sling either and I tried a few but I know quite a few women can. I think ir is easier if you are smaller in the norks department so to speak which is not me anyway!

Have you tried any other slings?

Also definitley dopn't worry about having a crying baby and breastfeeding at these groups

Also for the bf group you want to attend. Just make sure the baby feeds well before you leave. Then if you get there late that isn't a problem

Ahhh I feel your pain! My DD could be counted on to want food 2 mins after i left the house - even if she'd just guzzled a bottle.

Only if it was just me and her though. And she had no warm up grizzling - she just went mental!

Don't worry about anyone else, they will have had a baby do this at some point.
I couldn't see this for a while though and used to get very anxious.

It won't be long until you can cajole baby a little into waiting. As you're bf'ing and you have a sling just stop and feed. If you want to go to bf group go!!! Everyone is in the same boat, please don't be embarassed. Give her a good feed before you set off, stop on the way if need be, and don't worry about being late.

And take comfort this doesn't last too long!

do you think she would take a dummy, they can be useful in this kind of situation just to keep them going bit longer to feed til you arrive @ your appointment?

feed her before you go, then she won't be hunry/crying on the way
if she does start to cry then either practise feeding in the sling, or find somewher eto stop and feed her.

hi my DS is 7 weeks as well and can scream like a banshee as well, he is number 4 so sometimes he just has to be put down to cry, I make sure he is fed, winded and clean bum before I do though.

The other day I had to go to the PO and had both him and 23mo DD3 screaming in the pram, got some funny looks, he hates the pram as well.

Chances are she will be fine in the sling on another day, I know what you mean about not wanting to feed in public I don't live a million miles from Glasgow and BFing is not the "done thing" here.

I drive most places so tend to feed in the car more, feel a bit more comfortable doing it there.

Do try again though you need to get out and about.

I feel for you, this always happened to me and in the end it was easier to stay at home. Which with hindsight was the worst thing to do, as it then gets harder and harder to go out. Believe me no one will pay you the least bit attention if you stop to feed, as I eventually and bravely found out (even in the roughest areas).

BTW where in Glasgow are you? I'm in Glasgow and there is nowhere, absolutely nowhere that would make feel scared to stop, honestly.

Hi, I have a babybjorn sling, and actually, you can feed whilst the baby is in it. Tis great, no-one can see anything! Can you try this? If you have a chest-facing sling nd a bf top, I am sure you could manage it. Takes practice, but I have it down to an art now. And whilst you think everyone is judging you,actually, they arent..

Its hard isn't it? But you do need to get back out or else you are going to go crazy sitting in all the time. I have an 8 week dd and i know what you're saying about it seeming like everyone elses baby is calm and good and yours is screaming, but i bet theirs will scream when they get home
Sorry not much practical advice just support.
I am in glasgow too btw, which bf group are you going to? I want to go to one but don't know which

You sound very like me when my first baby was small, the sound of him crying would bring me out in a sweat i would nearly be crying and hyperventilating, he never got let cry, I was terrified of him crying.

I actually had post natal depression, I would panic about going anywhere in case he cried and I was unable to breastfeed him immediately.

Please speak to your Dr as you know these feelings of panic etc are not normal, I certainly experienced nothing like it after my new DD, don't have PND this time.

Thanks for all the support I knew I could rely on you guys. Problem is I have no rl friends locally so am very isolated

Have you posted on the MN local boards for Glasgow? There are many Glaswegian MNers, and they're really nice.

I know, I go on there sometimes - but they're not "real" so doesn't really matter where they are

It's so hard when you have no friends or family around, I was living in Ireland when I had my ds and had no-one except my dp, was definately a contributing factor to me having PND.

Keep getting out, even if it takes all day to get ready, leave the house at some point, go into city centre for a wander, you can breastfeed anywhere.

If your baby is crying it's a lot louder for you who is emotionally involved than a random stranger who wont even register the crying.

There are quite a few Glasgow mumsnetters, they have meet ups, join in, maybe someone lives near you.

I am in fife and don't drive so no good to you, ever fancy a coffee in Edinburgh though give me a shout.

Carrying baby close to you in a sling isn't really what people mean by leaving baby to cry. Your baby was close to you, you could see there was nothing dangerously wrong (like blanket over the face or baby slipped down the side of the cot).Your baby wasn't left, she was being held by you. FWIW I wasn't into going out with dc1 until he was about 8 weeks old and then only with major preparation, couple of feeds as countdown, last minute nappy change, back before naptime. I moved house when dc1 was 6 weeks and joined a baby group when he was 12 weeks and made 2 really good friends.

Where are you in Glasgow ItsAll? I'm in Glasgow, carried ds in a sling & bf when he was little so I might be able to point you to some good places near you?

And although it's not common in Glasgow - please try not to worry about the bf too much. I never had any issues with people commenting when I fed ds out and about, and people were very, very tolerant of a screaming baby wherever I went. I think a tiny baby just makes people smile wherever you are in Glasgow. People just love em! . Now, granted sometimes the people that love them and want to coo and give advice are skanky looking jakies...but they do mean well .

I was very similar with my first baby. I couldn't stand it if she cried for any length of time and tried to give her everything she wanted immediately, even before she realised she wanted it. I often wonder if this is why now she is older she gets stroppy if she doesn't get everything exactly the way she wants it, right NOW.

My second baby didn't get the same level of 'service' because it just wasn't practically possible with two of them close in age, and now he is older he isn't as spoilt brat ish as DD.

Anyway, that was a digression really.

It's true what people say about other people not judging you half as much as you think they are. The baby's mother is programmed to hear her baby's crying more intensely than other people will. They really won't find it as noticeable. You can test this theory by listening to other people's babies crying and see how it makes you feel. Most of the time you will be able to hear that the baby isn't in real distress but is just 'moaning' a bit, just like adults moan about the weather or something. It is easier to see this with other people's babies than with your own because you have a bit more detachment.

Although I was breast feeding I used to give my DD a bottle of milk before going somewhere and this seemed to keep her quiet. DS used to just cry whatever, but I could cope with it better with a second baby. I often feel sorry for anyone who has a baby like him as their first.

Do you think baby might not like the sling? Could she be fealing hot and bothered?