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Parenting

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Original poster

PILs putting ds in danger! Any suggestions?

35 replies

KiwiKate · 14/08/2005 11:55

Am astounded and furious to just learn that MIL and FIL allow ds (2.3yo) to play unsupervised in their driveway, which leads directly to the road. They are not watching him (and in fact cannot see him if they are in the house/garage, nor can they hear him if he calls out). Not sure how long he is being left unattended, but certainly more than enough time to walk up the driveway into the road.

DH thinks I am overreacting as the road is a deadend and not very busy. I've told him that I don't want ds going to visit until PILs can guarantee me that they will not allow him to play unattended in this area. (Their garden is also essentially unfenced). Ds usually goes to them one afternoon a week - and they always seem keen to have him (but why have him if they are not able to watch him properly? They have also TWICE left him unattended in the bath, and he has fallen and hurt himself, although not badly).

I've never gotten on well with MIL anyway, and am now not sure how to handle this. I've told DH that as they are his folks he needs to sort it out with them. But from his reaction, I am not sure that he is going to.

Any comments/suggestions?

OP posts:

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moondog · 14/08/2005 12:01

God,I wouldn't let him near them again. My dd is 4 1/2 and I an paranoid about roads.
Sod them and their feelings-this is appalling.

emkana · 14/08/2005 12:03

I agree with moondog. There is no other way to handle this other than not letting him stay with them if they leave him unattended, be it in the bath or on the driveway. I would be incandescent with rage tbh.

Original poster

KiwiKate · 14/08/2005 12:04

Thanks Moondog. I agree. I just found out (it's the middle of the night here, so can't exactly discuss it with them).

If DH does not tackle the issue with them, I will. Worst thing is that I have a second baby due in 4 weeks, and DS was going to stay with them, now I am a nervous wreck at the thought!

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robinia · 14/08/2005 12:05

2.3 is too old to be playing unsupervised anywhere really, isn't it, let alone on a road, busy or not - who knows where he could wander to?
COmpletely with you on this one. I would let my nearly 4 year old play relatively unsupervised in the garden, but not somewhere unsecured.

Pinotmum · 14/08/2005 12:18

I would be furious as well. When my dd was 2 yo (just) my pil left her in a 1st floor bedroom playing alone (their bedroom) with an open window and a chair positioned conveniently underneath it. When I found her, on returning from shopping, I said to dh "why don't they just chuck dd out of the window and have done!" - he had a word with them as he knew it would be fireworks from me. Luckily we see them only once a year otherwise I'd be on valium. I think you should have a word if your dh doesn't want to.

Gobbledigook · 14/08/2005 12:26

I wouldn't let him go at all. NO WAY!

I don't trust anyone, apart from my own mother, to watch them like I do.

moondog · 14/08/2005 12:28

I'd agree with you there,gdg.
Dh can't understand why we don't get a nanny here in Turkey so that I can go to work....

No way!

Gobbledigook · 14/08/2005 12:29

I'm with you MD. No way!

HellyBelly · 14/08/2005 14:52

Far too young to be left. I leave ds (2.5) when need to pop to the toilet etc. but never for long. I once found him on top of the dining table. He wasn't hurt but OMG, couldn't believe how quick he climbed up!! I always shut the windows if I'm going upstairs, even if not for long, as I'm so worried. Defo wouldn't leave out on a drive

Freckle · 14/08/2005 15:04

Perhaps it would be helpful to point out that they could be prosecuted for negligence of anything happened to him whilst in their "care". If they are unconcerned for his safety, perhaps a threat to their own might make them take notice.

The road might not be busy but all it takes is one car. And what about potential abduction??

Original poster

KiwiKate · 15/08/2005 06:37

DH and I spoke about perhaps fencing in a portion of their property - I thought this was sensible, and that they'd jump at the chance. But MIL said no she does not want a fence. She told DH that she would be more careful with DS though and make sure that he does not go outside unattended, and said I was welcome to discuss with her if (IF!!) I was concerned.

I'll be talking to her that is for sure.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 15/08/2005 06:57

Not worth the risk, agree with moondog, if they can't ensure his safety then they don't have him, simple.DH needs to back you on this too.

tigermoth · 15/08/2005 07:47

If they won't agree to a fence, barrier or gate, then I can't see how you'll reach any compromise with them.

I believe risk assessments are very personal things and there must be some reason why your inlaws and even your dh feels your son is not in danger. However, I cannot see how any driveway with access to any road can be safe for a 2 year old to play in.

Why does your dh feel his son will be safe?

TracyK · 15/08/2005 08:53

Gosh - all it would take is for a little cat to be wandering past and your ds would follow it and wander off too!!
Why isn't every body as vigilant as mothers?
maybe you should sneak past and 'kidnap' him and give them the biggest shock of their lives!

handlemecarefully · 15/08/2005 08:57

Good grief - a child shouldn't be left unsupervised like that

However, don't go in all guns blazing. Your MIL has said that she is prepared to discuss it - be sweetness and light itself, and then you might win her around.

Any other approach might make her hackles rise and cause a lot of family stress and tension.

anchovies · 15/08/2005 09:17

We have had a similar thing with my PIL, while looking after him when he had just turned 1, they were in another room and he climbed the stairs to the top (they'd left our gate open) and he unsuprisingly fell down. Fortunately he was ok but we were understandably very upset. We tried to talk about it with them but they just didn't see why we were so upset. This was the final straw (MIL had dropped ds when he was 2 months old, she was too busy talking - a trip to a&e, plus many other incidents) We rarely see them anymore and there is no way we'd let them look after him. They still ask and honestly don't understand why he can't stay with them. They just think that these things happen. When I have explained that they have never happened to any one else they just act hurt. IMO it's just not worth the risk, especially when you know there is a risk these things could happen.

fireflyfairy2 · 15/08/2005 09:45

Hi.
When my dd was 2 i left my MIL caring for her for the first time as I had classes to attend and my childminder had let me down at the last minute... when i left i give MIL her coat incase they were going in the garden and asked her to lock her back door after me as her yard is straight onto a busy dual carriageway!....
When i came home DH said to me that his mum told him her and DD were playing...well, DD was hiding on her and she was doing the ironing... anyway, DD didn't reply when MIL asked her something and MIL assumed she was hiding on her... so she counted to 10.. and went to find the back door laying open and DD missing Luckily DD had decided to open the door and come back in and hide in the shower room, but MIL didn;t know that! Whilst she was telling DH she kept saying..isnt she a rascal for hiding on me etc.. WELL! When i got home i rang her... i was NOT soft on her and told her in no uncertain terms she would NOT EVER be looking after DD again, I told MIL i kept having visions of a little DD running out into the road and her little pink coat..she simply said "No..she didn't have a coat on her"
DD is 3 1/2 now and MIL has never kept her since..and never will.. ever.

handlemecarefully · 15/08/2005 10:01

Thing is - and just a question don't jump down my throat - would be so unforgiving if our own parents made a mistake / error of judgement with their grandchildren? - or would we have it out with them, insist they do things differently, and trust them with another chance?

anchovies · 15/08/2005 10:10

Good question hmc.

I think in my case the scary thing was that they didn't even think they had done anything wrong. I know for a fact my parents would be mortified if anything like that had happened while they were looking after ds. I'm all for talking things through however when they don't have a basic understanding of safety with a toddler and are unprepared to learn there is nothing else we can do.

handlemecarefully · 15/08/2005 10:12

That's rather worrying - if they can't even see that you have a reasonable point!

Chuffed · 15/08/2005 10:37

anchovies I was just about to make the point that everybody makes the occasional mistake but it normally scares the wits out of most people and they don't do the same thing again.
Being completely unaware that they are doing anything wrong or taking measure to fix problems is what would get my back up I think for both sets of parents.
KiwiKate at least your MIL seems to be a little receptive to a small amount of change. Maybe putting down some important safety rules that are obvious like not leaving unattended till 4 (for example not sure myself of best age?) only unattended play in enclosed space ie. lounge with door closed to outside etc.

fqueenzebra · 15/08/2005 10:40

Kiwikate: Is there anyway they could fence off their driveway/put a gate across? this is what we have done with our front garden & drive.

Chuffed · 15/08/2005 10:44

what about something like this

madmarchhare · 15/08/2005 11:02

I know its only an advertisment but LOL @ the fact that he coould just walk round the sides!

handlemecarefully · 15/08/2005 11:29

Yes they didn't show the product to its best effect in the photo did they

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