PILs putting ds in danger! Any suggestions?

[KiwiKate]

Am astounded and furious to just learn that MIL and FIL allow ds (2.3yo) to play unsupervised in their driveway, which leads directly to the road. They are not watching him (and in fact cannot see him if they are in the house/garage, nor can they hear him if he calls out). Not sure how long he is being left unattended, but certainly more than enough time to walk up the driveway into the road.

DH thinks I am overreacting as the road is a deadend and not very busy. I've told him that I don't want ds going to visit until PILs can guarantee me that they will not allow him to play unattended in this area. (Their garden is also essentially unfenced). Ds usually goes to them one afternoon a week - and they always seem keen to have him (but why have him if they are not able to watch him properly? They have also TWICE left him unattended in the bath, and he has fallen and hurt himself, although not badly).

I've never gotten on well with MIL anyway, and am now not sure how to handle this. I've told DH that as they are his folks he needs to sort it out with them. But from his reaction, I am not sure that he is going to.

Any comments/suggestions?

Well, thanks Ladies for all the support.

I talked to MIL. She said that she was outside with DS, and had gone inside to wash her hands. Was watching him through the window. When she saw he had moved, she went right back out to see where he was. She says there was not enough time for him to get to the road.

I said that unless she could guarantee to me that she would always be with him when he is outside, then I don't want him going there. I also said that I view this so seriously that if it had been anyone else, I would not be sending him back there (this REALLY seemed to get through to her).

She says she guarantees that she will go outside with him whenever he is outside, and will make sure he goes in with her when she goes in.

I've never gotten on well with her, and this does not help. I am really glad that she (and FIL) want a relationship with DS, but I've made it clear that she needs to be way more careful.

We have immigrated here to NZ, and don't have much family (other than my mum), and family is very important to us - so I don't want to ruin our (already rocky) relationship. I am glad, however, that I have set some ground rules.

Sounds like you did the right thing Kate.

Maybe you could subtley restrict the amount of time he goes to visit his gran? Still let him go, but mention he now has playgroup/whatever to attend and so he can't see them as much as he did. If I was you I'd be worried for the whole visit, so maybe less visits is the answer.

Is there anyone else who could help when the new baby is due?

Thanks ssd. The problem, of course, is that I am not there to monitor the visits! I keep reminding myself that she successfully and safely raised two children of her own. I hope that this has given her a wakeup call.

They have had him one afternoon a week for over a year now, so any change in that would be very obvious. They know that playgroups etc are all in the morning.

She says that she does not want to put up a fence because he is too little to play unsupervised even in a fenced off area (My point exactly! but at least with a fence he would not be able to get onto the road).

If I have even any hint of anything else inappropriate happening, I will stop the visits.

Hi Kate, I hope my advice wasn't too extreme! It does sound like she's taking heed of your concern and wants to do the right thing for you and your family I guess like you I'd "play it by ear", good luck with it!!

Thanks to all for your advice.

A quick update - FIL told me yesterday that he has started fencing off a lovely large area of the garden for DS to play in. Should be completed in the next few days. I feel SO much happier about this.

Also, since our "discussion" MIL has really been lovely to me (such a change!). I think she has realised that it is a privilege for her to be able to spend so much time with DS, and that she needs to follow my safety requirements if she wants to continue.

Well, with baby no2 due in 1 week, and DS off to stay with PILs for the birth, I feel much more relaxed about the arrangment.

Thanks again for all your advice and support

MIL hasn't had DS3 (2.1) since I found out she de-armed the back doo=r that FIL (now living with his girlfriend) had deliberately alarmed to stop kids getting to their 6 ft deep pond. I watched her let him out on his own too (from a distance) there was an eight foot drop onto concrete all round the garden as she was having terraces put in.

GOOD GRIEF! Some people are just MAD. When "family" do things like that, it makes me think that I can never let DS stay with strangers (nannies/childcarers etc).

Woman has refused all contact with DS1 since he was diagnosed AS anyway (actually, ) so she hasn't even noticed the babysitting ban on on the others I'll bet!.

Oh PC - words fail me!
Glad you are better off without her!

Blimey. Well my DC would not be visiting their GPs if they did the same.

Besides the fact that it is bloody dangerous (road and bath), why are they not playing with him/taking him out instead of leaving him unsupervised.

If it were me I would say they could see DS but you would be there.