Help! Worried that I'm a wicked stepmother

[Newstepmum23]

This is my first ever post, so be gentle with me!

I became a stepmother last year when I married my husband. I've never had children, but now I have a stepdaughter of 15 and a stepson of 13, who are with us on alternate weekends and half of the holidays.

I feel terrible because they irritate me and I can't seem to control my feelings. My husband divorced three years before he met me. He'd always spoiled the children and allowed his daughter to speak to him in a dismissive, unpleasant way.

I feel that the children are grasping and avaricious; whenever we're out with them I feel they use it as an opportunity to wheedle things out of my husband. He says all children are like that. I never was, and I'm only 38 so scarcely an old biddy! We've always been generous with them; I earn a good salary and we took them skiing this year and bought them lovely Christmas presents, but last weekend my stepson started whining that his birthday in February had been "disappointing" (he'd been hopefully e-mailing my husband pictures of iPhones, which was completely out of the question for a 13 year old boy) and that his sister "always got more stuff". I was really hurt! I feel like a human shopping opportunity rather than a stepmum.

I find that I'm withdrawing when the kids are with us - my stepson would spend all weekend hogging the TV with his wretched Nintendo Wii games if he could, and I hate the hideous tinny music and the sight of them gazing slack-jawed at the screen so i sit in a different room. My husband says this "makes the kids feel guilty about enjoying themselves", but I work 10 hour days in a very demanding job and it's my money that pays for most of their treats so I feel that I should be allowed to relax at the weekend.

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable. Any advice? I feel really guilty and worried that I'm a selfish, wicked stepmother.

Why on earth are you paying for all these treats for your stepchildren if you don't approve of them?

I have two DSSs (12 and 15), whom I have known for 6 years. I hardly ever buy them anything. I do, however, contribute massively to their lives in non-material ways. IMVHO, you will build a much better relationship with your DSCs if you stop buying them things and give them more valuable non-material contribution.

Well......if the pointy hat fits!

Stop judging the children by your childhood and experiences
there's was obv different and you will have to get used to that

To an extent all children are a little grasping..especially if they have had the opportunity to develop that skill which a divorce often provides

it sounds as though everything is based around things..not experiences. My advice would be start to plan outings and doings rather than allowing their and your time to be wasted in front of the tv
Alternately get them a tv for another room..?

If you feel resentful over spending your hard earned on the children then work it out with their father and don't allow it to build up with regard the children..they still only have a loose grasp over who pays for what I'd assume

You can have reasonable rules in the house regarding gaming but they have to be reasonable and tbh the children are probably at an age where they can be involved in the rule setting

Your language is very telling, perhaps rereading the op will give you some insight into how you are really feeling...You joined this FAMILY...you need to come up with solutions not resentment and ask for your husband and sc's back up to help you get to the place you want to be

their's

There are two problems here:

the first is whether your money should be going on all these treats, or whether you should work out a different spending agenda

the other is your feelings towards their children: you do need to be aware that "she gets more than me" is a normal way of behaving even for the most unspoiled children in the firmest of settings

that may be something you just have to live with

in other words: you need to work out sensible house rules about sharing the television etc

you have rights too and they need to be observed

but you also need to accept that even the most sensible rules, religiously observed, will not magically remove all teen bickering and whingeing

children weadle money out of parents - its what they do, esp. teenagers. being unggrateful is also par for the course. they sound normal to me. the only thing i would havea word with your dh about is attitude. talking to someone with attitude is unacceptable in my house. we talk to each other with respect - lots of jokes huge amounts of sarcasm and double entandre.

all kids think their siblings ger more or have had more. my son (17) asked if his GF could move in. i said no, however there had been a president with my older son. so it's not fair apparently - tough shit - neither is life is my reply.

i think its hugely unhelpful to you to suggest that if you had children, you would learn to just let a lot of things go. that you would be better equipped to understand. but it's true.

you don't have these kids that often. they are entitled totime with their dad. a family breakup probably hit them hard emotionally. they are dealing with you too.

if you want to keep your dh - you really have to be nice to the kids. becuase the kids will soon reach adulthood and you dont want them being adults and hating your guts.

its like i have tried to be nice to my eldest sons gf. i know he loves her very much and that if i want him to remain in my life i should be civil to a scheming horrible cow that is totally wrong for him.

now i knew this. still it came to a head and i told her what i thought after a particular situation. I haven;t seen my son since. i knew it would happen.

so the moral of the story is, if not for the kids, for the DH.

youneed to discuss your role with him. what boundries you can set, what things you can get them to do etc.

and try and plan some activities. have you tried baking a cake with them for example?

get them to bake a cake for their dad. get the kitchen dirty and make something, cock it up and laugh over it. presenting dad with something really pants but its the time together thats the thing - even if you end up tidying it up after.

choosing a scary film, making popcorn...

and you really need to get out of the 'my' money thing. his kids are his blood and his life. if you consider yourself a part of his life then the 'my' money thing isn't going to work.

teenagers can be obnoxious and really pants - BUT if you handle things the right way, make an effort to have shared experiences with them, then they can have the sharpest wit, the best laughter and be an absolute joy for company.

• 'my stepson would spend all weekend hogging the TV with his wretched Nintendo Wii games if he could'

Totally normal teenager behaviour.

• 'I feel that I should be allowed to relax at the weekend'

So should they, working at school all week.

As children don't earn their own money (or enough of it, lol), of course they need adults to buy them things.

You're not wicked and I certainly get irritated by my kids on occasion, but they sound entirely normal kids!

It's perfectly reasonable to tell your DSCs that they may have one hour of screen time a day only.

Parents (and stepparents) have the right and the duty to reign in "perfectly normal teenage behaviour"!

I think there is a certain difference between your situation and the OP's, though, Bonsoir. You have been involved in your stepsons' lives since they were comparatively young, so they are hitting the teenage years with you and your way of doing things already well established in their lives. The OP is a new stepparent who is taking on already-teenage children and will be held responsible by them for any changes from the way in which their father has always done things, so potentially needs to tread more carefully.

I agree with Ronaldinho, FWIW.

I agree that it is much, much easier to stepparent when you have looked after the children when they were little and you already have banked up lots of parenting credits.

But the OP still needs to know that she mustn't let herself be walked all over by her DSCs (and her wallet emptied by them) as they will never form a good relationship with her if she doesn't stand up to them.

Newstepmum - I think that what you are feeling is perfectly understandable.
Most people with 15 and 13 yos have had 15 years learnig how to deal with them and its a very difficult job to junp in at the deep end as you have had to do.
The behaviour you descibe sounds pretty normal ime - children of this age feel hard done to whatever they've had or not had so I wouldn't worry too much about that. You and and your DH should aim to agree what you think is reasonable,explain it to them and stick to it. It won't be easy but at least everyone will be clear.
As for feeling a bit put out that its your money being spent again I think its understandable how you feel. You've worked hard for many years and how ever much you love your DH its bound to hard.
I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself, do you have any friends with teenagers you could swap notes with, I'm sure that would help you to see what's normal and what you really don't have to put up with.
Good luck

Agree hugely with Bonsoir and JudyBlue

I was in a similar situation as Newstepmum and things went v well for first couple of years as I let SDCs do/say what they wanted (same as DP, their mum and seemimgly everyone in their lives did and still does). After a couple of years and feeling more confident I began to impose rules/boundaries with DPs support. End result is another few years on they no longer speak to me, DP (who they feel chose me over them) or our DS.

Wish I had stuck to my guns (and principles) in terms of reasonable behaviour I expected from the start.

Just because you are a step parent does not mean you have to put up with all and any behaviour although if you have little/no experience of teens before becoming a step parent it can be hard to know what is normal/reasonable bahaviour.

I won't be saying thanks for all of this advice because actually I found some of it perjorative. Some of it was useful though, so thank you for that.

My relationship with my stepchildren is not focused on "buying them things". They would very much like that to be the case, but it's not. Nor am I saying that I don't think I should ever buy things for the children, as werewolf appears to be suggesting ("Children don't earn their own money.....they need adults to buy them things"). Of course children need to be clothed and fed by adults. The point was that I'm generous towards them but they never seem to stop wanting more. Even when we're eating dinner they are telling us about things they want. My stepdaughter, for example, was sure that we'd fund a gap year round-the-world holiday for her. It was I who had to tell her that she'd better start saving! Their dad is much better off since marrying me and I feel as if the kids now think that we're a cash machine, even though I try to encourage my husband to resist caving in. I find that difficult to cope with and I don't think I should have to simply accept relentless nagging as "normal teenage behaviour". Just because a lot of kids behave that way, it doesn't mean that everybody has to.

50% of my weekends and half of the holidays are given over to the children. I'm not used to teenagers and it's difficult making concessions when I feel that the kids are preoccupied with the getting of "stuff" and making sure that they always do what they want. My husband feels so bad about the divorce that he doesn't like telling them when their behaviour is unacceptable.

I knew that my husband had children before I married him, but that doesn't mean that I can instantly segue into being a perfect, tolerant, loving stepmum figure or that I necessarily wanted teenage stepchildren.

Don't know if my previous post was useful or perjorative but I'll risk another one.
Your are very honest in your feelings which I think is a good thing but it is likely to be unpopular on here.
I don't believe that there is such a thing as a perfect stepmum and the best you can do is your best iyswim.
The only part of your post that I'd take issue you with is "Just because a lot of kids behave that way, it doesn't mean that everybody has to" I truely wish that I could change some of my childrens' behaviours but sadly I know that I can't and that I just have to bide my time until they grow out of whatever phase it is and some of the things you don't like fall into that category.
If these children had come into your life at a younger age you might be posting about toilet humour or moodiness. What I'm trying to say is that wanting their father (and thus you) to fund everything is normal, could you perhaps develop a stock response to unreasonable requests.
Teenagers can be annoying, I hope you can find a way through the minefield.

Newstepmum - probably you saw my previous post as pejorative rather than useful - but, here goes again - trying to be helpful.

I'm not suggesting that you never buy them things. I am saying that if you're a child, it's a pretty powerless position to be in. You have to be given things.

It sounds like you all need to sit down as the family you are, and discuss rules and boundaries.

What do you mean by it's my money that pays for most of their treats?

Do your DSCs have an allowance? Or do they just badger their parents for everything they want?

Personally, I think an allowance, and a part-time job, are a good way of helping teens understand the value of money.

I'm sorry that you considered some of the advice as pejorative, sometimes it's difficult to view your role from another's view point
A number of parents have tried to proffer an opinion based on experience of dealing with teenage children and stepchildren and the boards will be supportive of you during your learning curve

I think that it might be useful for you to make a list of the things that you expect from these children and honestly list what would make you happy, what would be acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable.
start from there and speak to their father about it before perhaps speaking and gaining the opinion of the children
You also don't have to spend 50% of your time with the children, perhaps it would be better to spend some of that time doing things you, yourself, enjoy
Bonsoir's idea of an allowance makes perfect sense to me but the reality of it working without massive teething problems is another matter but perhaps a step forward

imo the question of your wanting teenage stepchildren is one that should have borne more weight and discussion, over how it might work for you to better tolerate it, before you became an addition to the family
whilst that might be an underlying truth you did sign up for this....

these are formative years for the children and your life lessons and boundaries will only work well if they come from a healthy starting point and not a resentful, jealous or bitter place

I don't think it will be helpful for anyone if you find yourself entrenched in a negative viewpoint regarding the children

You are being unreasonable. You sound jealous of your husband's children - it's not very honorable, is it?

Stop paying for treats, as you seem to resent this, and either interact with them (how about playing the Wii with them?) or fuck off out and stop making them feel unwanted in their father's home.

alternately, what colditz said

colditz - the op has asked for help and she's said its her first post, she hasn't posted in AIBU and she's obviously upset by the situation.
I'm sure she didn't expect everyone to be supportive but I think your reply is unconstructive to say the least.

It's not remotely nonconstructive, if she follows my advice she will solve the problem of the children spending her money and also solves the problem of the children encroaching on doing as she pleases at the weekends.

It's entirely constructive to make suggestions.

It's "ahhh, poor you, poor bunny, poor poor lady" that isn't at all constructive in any way.

She didn't ask for support, she asked for advice and I've given the advice that's most applicable to the situation, the advice most like to resolve the problem. i just didn't wrap it up in ribbons, that doesn't make it in any way nonconstructive.

In the absence of the op telling us which type of posts she found useful you're right colditz.

I wouldn't find "fuck off out" a constructive suggestion so will bow out until the op returns.

All teenagers are grasping and avaricious. They want games, iphones, macbooks, ipads, playstations and the latest from Jack Wills. They are cheeky and can be unpleasant.

Or at least that's my experience. I think they turn human again around 18.

You're allowed to go and sit somewhere else when they are wii-ing. After all, who on earth would want to sit in a room while other people are wii-ing? If you are feeling super tolerant you could try to play a game with them and join in for a few minutes before retiring defeated.

I have some sympathy for you Newstepmum - I've been in a similar position to you. My stepkids were 7 & 9 when I met DP and it has taken me many years to feel more comfortable with the stepmother role. It can be hard and some people take to it better than others.
I found it true that once I had a child of my own I saw the relationship between parent/child differently and it made more sense why DP was how he was with them - I think I have become more easy going and tolerant as a step parent too.
However, if you are feeling resentful and put upon you need to discuss this with your DH - you need a united front and to see each others views on this. You need to both be happy with the boundaries set.
Whilst some of the posters here have said - you knew what you were getting into (etc) thats an overly simplistic way of looking at this situation. Knowing there are stepchildren and knowing how you will react over time is another thing.
From my own situation, I have to say that even if I was feeling really cheesed off, I hope that I never made the kids feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in their home.

Thanks for the posts, apart from the kind souls who advised me to "fuck off out and stop making them feel unwanted in their father's home".

What an awful thing to say. Shame on you. You're directing a lot of anger and spite at somebody you don't know, and I'd seek help if I were you.

For everybody else, particularly Judyblue, thanks for the insights. I said that I wasn't used to teenagers. It's reassuring to see that other people found it hard to adapt. The kids do get an allowance. The reason we as a couple can afford to take them on nice holidays and days out etc. is my financial situation, hence the reference to my paying for treats.

I laughed at the reference to Jack Wills, by the way. I keep mental score of how many times each weekend my stepdaughter mentions things she's seen in there that she wants.

Incidentally, I'd be interested to know how refusing to pour an endless supply of cash into the children constitutes making them feel unwelcome. Perhaps some of the foul mouthed contributors know the answer.

I feel for you completely. I am stepmum to a 13 year old girl and she just irritates me, usually from the minute she gets up until she goes to bed (often, after that too as she sends my partner constant text messages from her bed). She just craves constantly attention and I find it so difficult to sympathise because all she does is rule the house with her tantrums, whinging and attitude. She actually lives with us though so I have it constantly. Once a month I ask my partner to try and find a babysitter for her so we can have some time and you can guarantee some excuse will emerge from either him or her.
I just find her mentally exhausting and like you, I find myself moving to another room if she's around because I just cannot bear to be stuck in the same room listening to her music, her stupid comments and her whinging.