Help! Worried that I'm a wicked stepmother

[Newstepmum23]

This is my first ever post, so be gentle with me!

I became a stepmother last year when I married my husband. I've never had children, but now I have a stepdaughter of 15 and a stepson of 13, who are with us on alternate weekends and half of the holidays.

I feel terrible because they irritate me and I can't seem to control my feelings. My husband divorced three years before he met me. He'd always spoiled the children and allowed his daughter to speak to him in a dismissive, unpleasant way.

I feel that the children are grasping and avaricious; whenever we're out with them I feel they use it as an opportunity to wheedle things out of my husband. He says all children are like that. I never was, and I'm only 38 so scarcely an old biddy! We've always been generous with them; I earn a good salary and we took them skiing this year and bought them lovely Christmas presents, but last weekend my stepson started whining that his birthday in February had been "disappointing" (he'd been hopefully e-mailing my husband pictures of iPhones, which was completely out of the question for a 13 year old boy) and that his sister "always got more stuff". I was really hurt! I feel like a human shopping opportunity rather than a stepmum.

I find that I'm withdrawing when the kids are with us - my stepson would spend all weekend hogging the TV with his wretched Nintendo Wii games if he could, and I hate the hideous tinny music and the sight of them gazing slack-jawed at the screen so i sit in a different room. My husband says this "makes the kids feel guilty about enjoying themselves", but I work 10 hour days in a very demanding job and it's my money that pays for most of their treats so I feel that I should be allowed to relax at the weekend.

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable. Any advice? I feel really guilty and worried that I'm a selfish, wicked stepmother.

It's all about balance imo.

With teenagers you have to learn to refuse them things without resenting them for trying it on iyswim. Trying on is what they do. Stropping when they don't get what they want is also what they do. But you are under no obligation to give in. You have rights too, and ignoring the rights of another person who lives under their roof is not actually to ensure their happiness either. Teenagers are happier when they are made to live with others in a civilised way.

If you give in and then resent them for it, they will pick up on the resentment and notice that more than the giving in. Because teens are desperately insecure creatures, they need love and approval more than they need things.

If you can manage to learn to refuse things with a smile and a sympathetic shrug- then you can refuse them a lot before they resent you in their heart of hearts. (they may still pretend to resent you, but that you can ignore)

In your case it is going to be difficult, because as a new stepmum you are in a sensitive position. You need to sit down with your dp and work out some practical rules, re money, use of telly etc. Try not to let your resentment shine through: make it clear that you just want to find something that works for everybody.

You are not a wicked step mother! You have got them at a stage where most natural parents feel challenged. You have to put up with 'everyone else is allowed to...., everyone else has ......, everyone else's parents are understanding etc etc'

I should stop the material things and give them the time. Build up a relationship that has nothing to do with DH. Do things with them separately -e.g. go out with one. Part of them is very childish at that age and later on they (hopefully) will appreciate that you made the effort. You have got them for life, so it is worth making the effort now.

"All teenagers are grasping and avaricious. They want games, iphones, macbooks, ipads, playstations and the latest from Jack Wills. They are cheeky and can be unpleasant."

No they aren't all like this.

They actually want to be treated as individuals and for people to give them time. They are more needy than toddlers really-just more difficult because they don't admit it!

Absolutely agree on the wanting to be treated as individuals and giving them separate opportunities and experiences, based on their own personalities and aptitudes.

Wanted to add that I get a lot of joy and fun from my teens. I wonder if you engage with your step dc more, on a time basis, rather than material things, you'd start getting more of the fun side?

Petty irritations aside, teens can be truly delightful to live with.

I'm going to be really honest here and say that quite simply, the problem is that you don't love them.
I don't mean that in a nasty way, I just mean that you don't have that bond that a parent has or a step-parent who has had contact from when the children are very young.

Teenagers are difficult. They do want, want want. Their behaviour sound pretty normal to me and in fact as you don't mention the tantrums too much, maybe your step-children aren't too bad.

Their conversations are often dull and I agree, fundamentally, they revert to being like toddlers, just incredibly needy. They feel awkward and vurnerable and they think they way to make things better is to aquire more material goods. Just like a 3yr old would eat chocolate until they made themselves sick.

So I think, firstly, it's important for you to know that their behaviour is normal. Some may not ask as much such as Bonsoir's SSs, but that doesn't mean they don't want.

Secondly, I think it's important to acknowledge that the teenage years are very difficult for even a natural parent who has seen that child born, loves them with every fibre of their body and would die for them in a second. So throw into that the fact that you don't have those feelings for them then it's understandable you'd resent them. I'm sure you're also resenting the fact that your 'hnoeymoon years' with your DH are not following the usual path because of the kids. But of course, as others have said, they came as a package.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to accept that they are normal teenagers but that as you've come to the table later in their lives the best you can hope for is to establish boundaries and mutual respect so that when they come out the other side, you have a good relationship with them. Good luck.

And I think Werewolf has illustrated my point about not loving them by talking about spending the time with them.

When they're yours you want to put the effort in. You want to spend time with them. I think if you were honest, you'd rather not as they annoy you. Most people are annoyed by other peoples teenagers and would not wish to spend time with them.

Your problem is that you've married a man with children and they come as a package which means you have no choice. Perhaps some family counselling would help you get some tips on how best to approach things.

swearing does not = anger and spite. It might do when you are doing it, but I am not you, and I have a generally lower tone than most mumsnetters and swear a lot.

Shall I try to put it more delicately for you, so you don't imagine that I am mentally Glasgie Kissing you as I type?

'I find that I'm withdrawing when the kids are with us - my stepson would spend all weekend hogging the TV with his wretched Nintendo Wii games if he could, and I hate the hideous tinny music and the sight of them gazing slack-jawed at the screen so i sit in a different room. My husband says this "makes the kids feel guilty about enjoying themselves" '

Your husband himself has noticed that your actions are making the children feel bad, and he lives with you.

This is why I suggested, to paraphrase, that you remove yourself from their presence and go out to fine something more rewarding to do, rather than staying in resenting everything they do because it's not what you'd rather they be doing.

I'm not spiteful or angry, however I do take the shortest way of typing something because I trust people to be able to glean the information they need from the information that is presented to them, in whatever format it is presented. I'm sorry you cannot do this - maybe you should seek some help for that.

Oh the joy of being a stepmum. In my experience you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't - do what - ANYTHING!!!! Especially with teenagers - I have DSD 17, DS 15 DD 12.

There are no right or wrong answers, just differences of opinion - between you, your husband, your children, your stepchildren, the ex.

All you can do is do what you think is right for you, be kind but firm, don't be mean or nasty and accept that sometimes life works quite well and other times it doesn't.

We have some quite heated discussions in our family - why the ex even sends emails giving her opinion on conversations we've had when she hasn't even been here (DSD tells her everything we have said - its like being in the Big Brother house - I think - don't watch it!).

We don't see ourselves as two separate families - my son, daughter and I are not apart from my husband and his daughter. We didn't join his old family - he didn't join ours. (my previous husband died when kids were 5 ans 2 so we don't have an ex to deal with - it does help and I don't envy those who have) We became something new - we see ourselves as some sort of weird family that trundles along.

Our job as adults is to have a moral responsibility to look after our children, giving them our values and attitudes to follow, emotional support when needed and financial security and guidance.

I screw up a lot but this is what I try to do.

I think my stepdaughter hates me. So does her mum.

I remain civilised at all times.

My children love their stepfather to bits - they are very lucky.

My husband and I present a joint front even if we don't agree perfectly on everything. If we don't the children sense it and move in for the kill!!!

In the end I hope we all still love and care about each other - well I do about all my lot anyway!!!

Very soon they will be grown up and have joyous lives of their own. where will we all be then?

Good luck

lol

I think they are lucky to have you steppy-you seem very sensible. When you marry someone with DCs you get the lot as a package, do not be fooled by them being older and not needing to be part of the package. They will not magiacally lead their own lives at 18yrs-they are with you always!

I went out for over 2 yrs with a man with a DD, she was 13yrs when we split up. It wasn't easy-I didn't like the way she was brought up, far too much reliance on material things. Her father knew it, but his attitude was that if he only saw her once a week she was going to enjoy it. Her mother gave her her own way all the time. I had to balance this with my own younger DS who didn't get much bought for him and didn't get his own way.
I did it by concentrating on her good points, treating her as someone I wanted to spend time with and doing things that were time intensive but free. We became good friends in the end and she even wrote me a letter saying that she hoped the split had nothing to do with her-(it didn't).
It is rather like your own DCs, you have to respond to the ones you get-not the ones you would choose! Build up your own relationship, without DH having to be there all the time.

You are right Archstanton, I don't love them. I'm trying though. I adore my nephew and godson, both of whom I've known since they were babies, so I'm sure it's possible.

Thanks for the wise words ladies, very helpful (apart from the sweary contributions perhaps inspired by too much White Lightning in the daytime!)

are you perhaps inferring that I am an alcoholic?

Or, indeed, that I would do anything with White Lightening bar clean the patio doors with it?

Oh dear. Maybe if this is the level of spite you keep up in your home, it would explain why your partner feels the children are being made to feel uncomfortable.

And no, before you suggest it, I don't swear at my children.

Just a thought, newstepmum- how did you feel going into this? Were you eager to start up a relationship with them?

I ask because i imagine if i were in your situation, i would feel very hurt if i thought stepchildren were using me for money, esp. If i wanted to have a good relationship with them.

Maybe remove money from the situation- you buy them nothing, after all they are your husband's children, he should pay for them. I suppose this depends on you and your husband's money sharing sitution, though.

Relationships become easier if you enter into them 'freely'. They might piss you off less if you dont feel so screwed over financially.

In years to come, you might even feel like buying them a lovely birthday present or treat. But what is ultimately worth more is a good relationship with your stepchildren.

Good luck!