Mum says DH is horrible father.

[Fruitysunshine]

Had horrible day Saturday. Looking for some thoughts actually on whether I was a bit blinkered.

We have been having issues with DD earlier in the year (I posted about and got some good advice) basically resulting in DD spending less time with my mum and more time in our family unit. DD has resisted and my mum has really been creating a stink at times but DH and I have stood and taken it.

On Saturday we were going to a friend's house for a bbq. I had to take potato salad with me and DD had a riding lesson. I asked my mum if she would manage to drop off and pick up DD from her riding lesson so I could get the salad prepared - we were due to leave around 2hrs later.

We pulled up to the house from our morning out and mum was waiting in the house to take DD riding. Things had been stressful in the car with DD really getting quite mouth and disrespectful. I went into the house to see my mum and DH was reversing onto the drive. Just before he did so DD went to the car and asked for something and DH loudly said to her that it was right in front of her on the wall. My mum went totally ape. Started saying things like "Who does he think he is?" "Nobody treats my grand daughter like that", "You had better sort him out or else!"
For the record, DH is a really good Dad and has adopted DD.

Anyway after I had finished defending DH to her she stormed out. The next hour was pretty horrible with everyone licking their wounds, except my mother who apparently took great delight in telling my daughter, en route to the stables, that she could live with Grandma if she ever felt she needed to.

Have not spoken or texted since Saturday which is quite long for us! Any words of advice would be appreciated.

It seems to me as if your mother could do an awful lot of damage to your family unit if you don't make a stand immediately. It is dreadful to try to influence her grand daughter against her father like that. When you've talked it all over with your DH I suggest you and he have a meeting with her where you lay down some very firm ground rules that she needs to stick to if she wants to be able to see her grand daughter anywhere other than at your house under your supervision. I know this sounds harsh but she really needs to understand that she can't act like this.

Well. Think we probably need some more background here, but at first sight, I would ask why on earth your mum is so closely involved in your day-to-day life.

Would I be guessing right if I thought that you and your mum raised DD between you for a while before DH was on the scene? It sounds like she feels that she is the other "parent" here, not your DH.

You need to get her to understand that, whether she likes it or not, you and DH and DD need to work things out between you, and coming along offering an "alternative" to your DD is not helping anyone.

Thank you. We had a chat with DD last night. I had cause to speak with her teacher on Friday and the teacher enlightened me to some of her concerns about DD's recent drop in test scores (90% upwards usually and recently down to 30/40%) and that she is very grumpy lately.

I know this is a combination of late nights when she sleeps at my mums (the last time she slept there I rang my mum for a quick question at 10.45pm and DD was still up) and stress here when she asks to go to my mums and I often say no which is on a daily basis. My mum lets her do what she wants and I have a routine with an 8.30pm bed time. My mum says I am too hard on her and need to lighten up a bit.

Anyway DH and I had a chat with DD last night. We let her know that we were very unhappy with her behaviour and that her work in school deteriorating has made us very concerned. As a result we are stopping all sleepovers in the very near future and I will be keeping a very close eye on her, taking her to her clubs myself, ensuring she does her homework myself, making sure she eats her tea and generally putting a wall up between her and my mum in order that I can try and get my relationship with DD back on track.

We are starting this weekend by taking her to Cornwall for a couple of nights and have some one to one fun with her - which we often do with the all the other children but DD usually asks to go with my mum and is sometimes not there.

I like your idea about having a talk to my mum about new boundaries and I agree on reflection that she could do a lot of serious damage to our family unit.

was all that said in front of your dd? if so, and I would very clearly tell your Mum that she must never ever criticise dd's parents in front of dd - that is an absolute parenting and grandparenting bottom line and if she does not agree to that, she will not be seeing her gd. 'no-one talks to my gd like that'!!! she seems to have some competitive control attitude.

But why on earth are you asking favours from your Mum simply to facilitate the making of a potato salad? SURELY you can make a potato salad without having to ask your Mum to do a taxi-ing chore? Be v careful you are not making her feel sjhe is put upon - called upon whenever it suits you but given not much in return - and be careful that given that she does seem posesive of your dd, you aren't givuing her a bargaining / blackmailing tool by using her as an extra pair of hands.

My mum is involved closely in our lives because she lives at the end of the street and we have always been a close family - not without it's problems though.

You are right in that I was a single parent before DH came along and my mum helped out with babysitting, although I worked fulltime and used a nursery for daycare so if she babysat it was usually on a weekend night. But she did help out.

Oh, I se - re the time when she was the other adult in DDs life. It must have been quite hard for her to hand that over.

But it sound as if you could all do with some boundary setting. I am not surprised dd feels insecure and demanding if the seeing granny is on an ad hoc basis - what about setting a definite routine - say, she goes to your Mum's every Friday night, or every Thu night...so that she has a chance quickly to catch up on sleep? Talk to your Mum and tell her that there have been issues at school which the teacher has put down to tiredness, and that you would like to arrange a regular night, but that if it is a school night, she does need to be in bed. DD would know then what nights she is and isn't going to your mums and can adjust her expectations accordingly. She has been thorugh a lot of change.

Likewise, you need now to look at how much you call on your Mum rather than your DH to work out lifts and household logistics.

Good luck!

The fact that she is the grandmother does not, however, give her the right to undermine you as parents, in front of your daughter. I hope she will be able to see that. It will probably be very difficult for her to let go of some of the control she has through her history of helping you with childcare. If she has some common sense though and she realises you and DH are serious and united about this she will understand that her attitude needs to change.

"which we often do with the all the other children but DD usually asks to go with my mum and is sometimes not there."

Where do the other children fit in? Are they your DH's children? Am wondering why your DD is asking not to go out with you all and preferring to stay with your mum. Are there some issues there for her which might be to do with the downturn in behaviour/school performance?

Sorry if barking up the wrong tree.

Blu - DD was outside when my mum and I had the disagreement.

I also established a long time ago that my mother is Narcissistic and I have had huge amounts of dramas with her over the years and have not yet managed to find the key in order to retain control of my own life without hers becoming priority.

As for the potato salad, I was running out of time and as the stables are a distance away I could not have both in the time-frame had. My mum rarely does any taxi-ing for me.

With hindsight I should have made it the day before but thought it would be nicer if it was fresh that day.

I dont understand.
You go out in the morning as a family. You need your MUM to pick up your dd, take her for a riding lesson, so you can make a salad?

You are pissed off that your dd is awake late at your mums.

Where does your dd live?
Does your dd KNOW who her mother is?
Or is she just pawned off everytime it is convenient for you?

Why is she out of your house so much?
Why are you not asking your dh to take your dd riding?

IS he a horrible father?

We have 5 children between us. Two from DH's previous marriage, 2 from my previous and 1 between us.

DD gets on fine with all the children except my eldest son (18) who is quite horrible to her and who we spend a bit of time keeping off her back. Gosh, the more I type the more my family sounds like complete nutters but honestly we are not!

DH and I usually do the taxi-ing about but at the same time on Saturday our 18yr old need taking to his gf's house too so we were kind of split all over the place.

sigh

QSincognityErgoSum:

1. Yes.
2. She lives with us.
3. Yes.
4. No.
5. She goes to school, Brownies, Gardening club, Horse-riding (all of her own request).
6. He was taking my other child elsewhere in the opposite direction.
7. No, her horrible father gave away his parental rights so that DH could adopt her and give her the love and lifestyle her biological father did not.

So, the dd is out of the house so much because of your 18 year old who is bullying her?

How old is your dd?

Does your 18 year old have a job? Can he move out?

Thank you Ladyintheradiator - we have drawn the line with our 18yr old this morning in regards to travel as a result of the weekend.

You need to drive your 18 year old to his girlfriends house?

If he is old enough to have a girlfriend, he is old enough to find his own transport.

QS - predominately my DD(9) is out of the house so much due to school and her clubs - however I would concede that perhaps her big brother has sometime to do with it too.

He is looking for a job currently and has no financial means to move out.

QS - you are making me laugh! I thought I was laughing at you - but actually I think I am laughing at my own situation as you ladies are so adeptly portraying it from a different POV!

And I am not laughing in a comedic way rather a "can't believe how ridiculous this sounds" way.

Remember your previous posts.

Sounds like your mother was just waiting for an opportunity to take a pot-shot at dh. He must be a bloody saint. Would do dd no harm to 'overhear' how good dh is in putting up with MIL.

As for your mother, tell her "we don't put up with that divisive nonsense"

and rely on her much, much less

would also say no to sleepovers in term time because a) dd school performance suffering and b) it's something your mother clearly exploits

Lady - If you were here last night you would have seen we did not "lecture" our daughter. It was merely mentioned as a symptom that everything is clearly not all right with DD.

I was livid yesterday hence my argument with my mum which made her leave the house.

If you think I have no control, other than what I have said above already how would you take control?

"our 18yr old need taking to his gf's house"

adults can make their own way to their gf's house

"my eldest son (18) who is quite horrible to her and who we spend a bit of time keeping off her back"

Tell him to stop being sorry to his little sister or he can find somewhere else to live.

How old is your daughter?

You need to protect her from that kind of treatment from a grown up man who lives in her home.

No wonder she wants to spend all her time with your mother, who BTW has already caused damage to your family by the sounds of it.

for sorry, read horrible