Mum says DH is horrible father.

[Fruitysunshine]

Had horrible day Saturday. Looking for some thoughts actually on whether I was a bit blinkered.

We have been having issues with DD earlier in the year (I posted about and got some good advice) basically resulting in DD spending less time with my mum and more time in our family unit. DD has resisted and my mum has really been creating a stink at times but DH and I have stood and taken it.

On Saturday we were going to a friend's house for a bbq. I had to take potato salad with me and DD had a riding lesson. I asked my mum if she would manage to drop off and pick up DD from her riding lesson so I could get the salad prepared - we were due to leave around 2hrs later.

We pulled up to the house from our morning out and mum was waiting in the house to take DD riding. Things had been stressful in the car with DD really getting quite mouth and disrespectful. I went into the house to see my mum and DH was reversing onto the drive. Just before he did so DD went to the car and asked for something and DH loudly said to her that it was right in front of her on the wall. My mum went totally ape. Started saying things like "Who does he think he is?" "Nobody treats my grand daughter like that", "You had better sort him out or else!"
For the record, DH is a really good Dad and has adopted DD.

Anyway after I had finished defending DH to her she stormed out. The next hour was pretty horrible with everyone licking their wounds, except my mother who apparently took great delight in telling my daughter, en route to the stables, that she could live with Grandma if she ever felt she needed to.

Have not spoken or texted since Saturday which is quite long for us! Any words of advice would be appreciated.

Your 18yo's transport is a side issue here. Think it's a bit extreme to suggest he moves out just because this all kicked off on Saturday.

And of course we can't see the whole picture - which is why I asked for a bit more background. I mean there has to be a reason why and how your mum feels she has a right to say such things. I mean, her sense of entitlement to your DD hasn't just come out of the blue, has it?

Agree with Dinah that she appears to be exploiting your need of her services.

OK, I had a very manipulative grandma who did her utmost to rubbish my parents at every opportunity.

I now know she was NPD as well.

She was a nightmare and caused God know what problems within the family, trying to put rifts everywhere, so everything revolved round her. MY mothjer longed to cut her out of the family, in the end we did stop visiting.

So I would say, minimise the contact with Granny.

Tell your 18 year old to grow up, if he wants to stay within the family he needs to treat everyone in it respectfully or he can go.

Why is the 18yo so horrible to this one girl?

Is this to do with GRanny as well or totally separate?

I would love to tell her to piss off - my other 3 siblings did it years ago but I am scared to be frank about the fall out. When my son was younger she threatened to take him away from me.

Just a really difficult person to deal with and far worse since my dad died 7 yrs ago.

Ok - my son was the only grandchild for 9 years and he has always struggled to accept my daughter.

Well, she can't take your children away from you. I mean, who on earth would sanction that?
I don't know the back-story here, but alarm bells are ringing. You don't have to cut her out completely but STEP AWAY!!!!! And continue cutting back the ties to your DD. I really think that might be exacerbating the problem. Who knows what she's telling her behind your back?

Absolutely ridiculous that you allow your DD to be bullied and treated badly by her 18 year old brother. He needs an ultimatum here, he either acts like an adult and treats people nicely or finds somewhere else to live.

Is there a reason he can't find a job?

Ewe - because he is not trying hard enough. We have the same discussion every day. Regardless I agree with you.

Sorry, how come he was the only grandchild for 9 years? Thought you said you had 2 kids from your previous marriage?

From previous relationships. My son born years before I met my first husband.

Sorry, just worked it out! Not sure it's relevant anyway, except it's an additional thing to work into the mix of what might be bugging your DD.

Fruitysunshine this has a bit of a familiar ring to me. When my DD1 was born she was my parents' first grandchild and they were very very involved. Came round every day in fact. The help was welcomed when she was a newborn but as time went on they wanted more and more of a say in decisions we made about her. My mum is a very controlling person and I took the line of least resistance as far as I could. I ended up being told what to feed her, when she should sleep, what she should wear,....

Eventually we realised that she was our daughter and we needed to take control back. It was not easy to do and caused a great deal of upset but it was the best thing we ever did. I know they love her immensely and think they are doing the right thing but we don't want to be duplicates of them. We have moved away - and had the courage to say no when they suggested that they followed us to the same village. We see them a couple of times a week for meals and I occasionally ask them to help out with a school pick up or a bit of babysitting. Only about once every couple of months though.

I feel like we have a more normal relationship now and everybody knows where they stand. If mum gets a bit overbearing I back off and she gets the message.

Maybe you need to sit back and think about whether everyone in your family knows where they stand? Do you need to clarify some roles and responsibilities as well as some boundaries for everyone concerned? I know it really helped me.

Lady - thank you for your support - much appreciated.

Move your son out to live with granny? Problem solved!!

Right, you need to stop relying on your mother for really daft things like giving dd a lift because you've got to make potato salad and your 18yo is going to his girlfriend's. That's just silly. Sounds like you've got used to relying on your mother a bit too much - dangerous when you have an (ahem) troubled relationship.

Then make it clear to the 18yo that he stops bullying his little sister. He behaves like a member of the family or he fucks off and finds his own accommodation (and if he chooses to behave so badly you can't have him around, lack of a job is HIS ruddy problem).

Then have a Big Talk with dh and your mother. Lay down some ground rules - the stuff people have mentioned about making time with Granny regular sounds good but insist your mother has to treat dh with respect and NOT undermine either of you in front of the kids.

She won't have him!

Thanks Al1son. Moving house is not as silly as it sounds.

Thanks Edam - much appreciated.

Ok - what I am getting from this, apart from a reality check, is that I need to enforce clearer boundaries for everyone involved and stop allowing my mum to be as involved with our day to day lives.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and feedback, I always thought I was a strong person but I think I am going to be stretching myself sorting this out with my mother - but I just have to suck it up.

Just read your other thread from way back when and it seems that you have, actually, taken huge steps in reducing your mother'c contact in your lives.
However, was thinking about your DD having said that she felt you concentrated your time on DD2. Easily done, of course, but might that still be an issue. And yes, small children do need attention, but there are plenty of ways to show your DD1 that you are listening to her (when she gets in from school or at bedtime or whenever). Provide yourself whatever it is that she is looking for in your mum.

Foooooooo if your mother is narcissist, I would avoid ever asking your Mum a favour - IME of a really destructive narcissist family member (my Mum's sister) feeling that they have helped is the quickest and most effective way to ignite their overblown sense of entitlement - emotional, psychological and practical, and they feed off it - literally suck energy and good will out of every situation - far in excess of the initial favour. Even gifts, feely give, can lead them to take a position on the entitlement throne.

Did your dd hear your Mum say your DH shouldn't have spoken to her like that? Does she ever / often hear criticism of him?

Boundaries, a little distance...but cut her out and move house if she carries on like that having been asked to desist.

Clam, she gets total one to one time with my mum. I can only provide that in small chunks or by exception - like this weekend when we are taking her away.