"socialising" my toddler - feel I have been a mug

[afterallyouknow]

I have 2 children 2 and 1 and having moved here 18 mo ago, I only know people through toddler groups. I meet up individually with 3 women for tea with the children but with 2 of them it has been not good as their boys snatch constantly from my daughters and are both mothers do not (IMO) do enough about it. The thing that almosts makes my blood boil is when boy takes toy car off my daughter, mother tells him not to but does not make him give it back and hands another one to my child.

I feel I have been a total idiot to let this go on, I have been angry with the one mother who I had developed some friendship with and felt impotent to tell her how I felt. The other mother came round yesterday and her son was very difficult, snatching, shoving etc. I know he is 2 and 1/4 but he can be told, even it if takes a 100 times.

I am angry with myself for having let this go on and not standing up for my children. I never see these mothers outside of the children, my children can't be getting anything positive out of this and as my husband said "I have been doing it for me and to kill some time". Why don't I stand up for myself? I am so cross that this child came into my house yesterday and just took over.

I think because I don't have "proper" friends here I have felt I have to socialise my children and get them seeing other people (eldest goes to nursery 3 mornings a week, I go to toddler groups with the 2 of them 2 days a week and baby groups with baby twice a week.

I feel I have let my children down.

When I moved abroad to live with my then 1.5yr ds I had similar issues except the reverse.
I desperately wanted to meet friends and socialise but my ds was going through a hitting and snatching phase and it was so so hard-I would be in tears most nights as no matter how much I consistently told him this behaviour would continue. It made things difficult with other children, I couldnt relax as I felt I had to be right behind my little boy all the time-it was an awful time.
Having had more children now I just realise that it was a phase that alot of kids go through, the fact that my new friends were mostly supportive of me, my discipline strategies and also warm and friendly to my ds was a huge help.

He grew out of this phase after about 6 months (he is nearly 9 now!)

I know it must be hard for you to see your children being "wronged" so to speak, but he is just a little boy going through a phase too-and I would hedge my bets that you will almost certainly never have a friend with whom you agree 100% of the time on their parenting styles and choices.

Yes iMUM but his behaviour is not acceptable and yes he is going through a phase but he must be told not to snatch and made to hand things back.

I am angry with myself for not intervening - it is not fair for my children to be treated like that whilst someone else's child learns.

Yesterday one person enjoyed themselves and it was not me, not his mother and not my children.

I am sure that I won't 100% agree on parenting styles - but there has to be respect for everyone and if I cannot talk to these mothers then there is no point in continiug to see them "wronged" implies that you see nothing wrong with the behaviour

don't beat yourself up over this. it sounds like having them over is stressful, a couple of toddlers groups a week is enough for socialing toddlers in my opinion.

And to add further - the one boy who is also 2 and 1/4 started doing this 6 months ago and was awful when we saw him 2 weeks ago - mothers who won't say no because they won't deal with the tantrum that results.

As you can tell I am angry.

This isn't just about another child's behaviour is it?

Are you unhappy with where you've moved to? Is there any way you can make some friends of your own i.e. not through your children?

It doesn't sound like you like the parents of these children very much - are there any others you can make friends with?

Frankly, I think you're making a big deal out of not much, really.
Have a talk with the mums, tell them that you don't want their kids hitting yours etc. If they ignore your request, perhaps stop seeing them or keep it to a minimum.
Children at this age are often nightmares and not all parents know how to set limits- it does not mean those mums are being malicious towards you or your DDs.
I'm sure your children won't be traumatised for life.

And, yes, it sounds like you're generally not very happy at the moment.

"The thing that almosts makes my blood boil is when boy takes toy car off my daughter, mother tells him not to but does not make him give it back and hands another one to my child."

Seriously? That makes your blood boil?? I wouldn't be at all bothered about that scenario. It sounds like the other women are wanting to chat with you rather than have to intensively train and monitor their child. It's not a big deal if your DD has to make do with another car. In fact you should encourage her just to deal with it. She will not be damaged by the experience. I'm sure the other mothers have plenty of time to be stricter with their children in their own homes, and their kids' social skills will improve in time. They are very very young still!

But why can you not talk to these mothers?

Well we are going to have to agree to disagree - not all parents do know how to set limits. It is facetious to say they will be traumatised for life - I don;t want my children to learn it is ok for kids to snatch off them and I should have intervened and done something if I am not happy with the response of the parent.

I never said anyone was being malicious - they are being lazy because it is easier to placate their child than do what is right for everyone.

Agree with others. I think you're fixating on this non-issue, and that the real problem is elsewhere in your life.

Why should my children have things snatched off them - why do you think that is ok?

Perhaps they are doing what is right for them and their child? you seem to expect their respect for your parenting styles and yet give none in return.

I am afraid I rather agree that you are over-reacting. It sounds like you should cultivate some different friends though, if these ones bother you so much.

iMUM you are unbelievable - I have to "respect" their children snatching from mine!!!

Tbh, your kids are still quite little and going to groups etc. I think you need to spend a bit of time sorting out YOUR life.

You actually sound quite odd.

You sound as though you're feeling very out of control and disempowered. I suggest you reclaim some control over the situation and you may end up enjoying yourself more and feeling more relaxed.

There is no reason why you should not respond to a child's behaviour when they are in your house - you don't have to wait for their mother to deal with it if her response is making you so cross. The important thing though if you are going to deal directly with the children's snatching etc, is to genuinely try and sympathise with the other child. Try to remember how little he is - it's hard, if he is older than yours, but he is still very very young and needs to learn slowly how to behave. He doesn't need telling off, just put things right every time they go wrong and you will feel less cross and less inclined to blame anybody.

It would be a shame if you lost your social support network because you have let yourself become too emotionally involved in toddler politics.

absolutely not, but the way the oter mother delt with is was fine really and that was the way the mother chose to deal with it. and also that proves she was keeping an eye out for them...
Why cant you talk to them about this tho? they are so little still.

FGS what is your problem?
Ok, so you think mums you socialise with are not perfect parents and don't do enough to keep their kids in check. Ok, so just talk to them and take it from there. Certain amount of snatching etc is normal, sometimes you need to intervene, sometimes it's better to let the kids sort it out for themselves.
Still, it's not very serious, is it?

You are over-reacting.

All children snatch at some point - it is a fact of life and yes they do need to be told but sometimes it also needs to be let go.

Also don't forget that there really isn't a problem at all unless your child is actually upset. If your child has something taken from them and is happy to accept a replacement or find something else to do, then you really should just relax about it. It is right to protect your child from hurt and upset, but actually to feel strongly about something which your child is not bothered by, does suggest that this is your issue and needs thinking about separately from the children.