Feeling very low. Possible post-natal depression?

[Haleana]

Hi everyone, I'm starting this post from another which caused great debate and ended with a question over whether I am suffering with the normal highs and lows of being a new mum, or something more serious.

In short, although I love my DS more than anything in the world, I also feel somewhat detached from him emotionally sometimes. In fact, a lot of the time now the only emotion I seem to feel is despair/frustration and want to cry quite a lot! (Even sometimes at adverts or the news). I want to feel the overwhelming love that so many mothers have told me will come, but I don't and it only makes me feel like I'm not a good enough mother to him.

The sounds of his cry sometimes makes my stomach twist over. Sometimes I even panic when I hear it.

We had a very traumatic birth which neither me or my son have yet recovered from (he is now four months old). I wonder whether this may have contributed to the way I feel now?

I'm finding it very difficult to establish when I should be upset about something and when I shouldn't (i.e. Grandparent's roles, how to bring him up, whether or not we are doing something right etc). If I get upset I'm constantly questioning myself and I nearly ALWAYS feel guilty.

Is this normal? Or is it just motherhood?!

Please please please go and talk to someone. Yes, motherhood is an emotional rollercoaster, but to be feeling like this 4 months on is not good.
I'm sure you are a great mother, but you can't appreciate that right now.
Hugs from me.

Thank you MrsDepp (lol). No I don't appreciate what kind of mother I am because I don't know. All I know is that I love him but sometimes I struggle to feel it. It's almost like he is just 'there' to me sometimes and it terrifies me. I want to be overwhelmed by him all the time but I just can't get past the fog.

Sometimes I have good days and we go out and see people or go for walks. These days are good because he is usually smiley and happy. However, sometimes I can't even get out of my PJs let alone the house! These days are not good. It's like I blink and the whole day has passed me by and I have achieved nothing and Henry has been fretful all day. These are the days when I cry along with him!

He is a very sicky child and is on a lot of medicine for it and is very difficult to look after so this doesn't help either. Sometimes I almost resent him for it which is just horrible. It makes me resent myself more though.

Such a vicious cycle.

Hello again.

Well done for starting a new thread. Do talk to your HV and be honest about your feelings. It can only help.

Does your baby have reflux? Are you getting proper help with your healing? My CS scar was infected for four months, the constant pain and anxiety was extremely draining.

Please don't be hard on yourself - there is no model for the "perfect mum". As long as he is fed, warm and cared for, who cares if you stay in your PJs? But you shouldn't be crying.
I do think you should talk to someone who is "expert" in this field - I'm just an ordinary mum and I have no experience, but it does sound like more than baby blues.
Do you have any support?

just wanted to say am off to bed now but will check in tomorrow

hope you get some sleep

hello again. From the extra you've given here it sounds even more like PND, and the traumatic birth and sicky baby will be exacerbating that. Make a plan (write it down) - print out what you've written here, take it to a GP, preferably one you know and like. In the meantime, try to have a rough structure to your day, so that you do get out every day - fresh air and exercise will do you both good, and going out for a walk will make you realise you've done something. And keep posting here!

You might also want to search for threads by a very eloquent MNer with PND, called neuroticlady - her support threads make great reading.

Hello Humphrey! Yes I'm going to talk to my HV when she's here. Henry does have reflux and very badly too. He's been to the doctors and paediatrician several times and has had a medley of drugs precribed to him. None of them really help though.

I've been back and forth to my GP countless times about my problems healing and we're still confused about what is causing my problems.

I had a pretty bad episiotomy and while Henry was in the womb he had a node put on his head and foetal sampling carried out. He was also ventouse and they had to drag him out pretty quickly because his heartbeat dropped dramatically. I also haemorrhaged quite badly.

Now suffering with significant discharge and it feels like there is broken glass up there (IYSWIM)? No infection though confusingly... Back for another extremely painful examination next week. And yes the anxiety it causes is almost unbearable (plus the fact that I haven't had sex in about six months! lol)!

Thanks Noble, yeah there's so much more to say in this thread. I'll have a look for neuroticlady. I think you're right, by writing down some of what I've said here I think my GP or HV will have a better idea of what I'm going through. Got to be better than that stupid questionnaire!

Ok - must sleep as ds will no doubt wake soon (snoring deceptively next to me). Will check in tomorrow. Sleep well!

Thank you! And thanks for putting the link on the other thread for me (don't know how)! Until tomorrow.x

I posted in your previous thread, but just wanted to add, don't put pressure on yourself to feel overwhelming love for your ds all the time, I don't think any mother feels like that, we all have good days and bad days.

and always try and take the positivity from other mothers at baby groups with a pinch of salt - an awful lot of them will be glossing over how things really are.

Haleana you can ask to use gas and air for examinations if you expect it is going to be painful.

I had similar rotten birth with dd, also ventouse and big episiotomy, four months in I was still shellshocked. I think that's normal, you have been through a huge ordeal. I also think the whole first year after birth is pretty tough, my emotions still roll about during that year the same as when I am pregnant, maybe because of breastfeeding. I too can't watch the news, I just avoid it. It would be a good idea for you to talk to someone. I didn't myself, but looking back maybe I should have. Don't be hard on yourself though, give yourself time to get over the whole experience.

good for you, haleana, for being such a good sport about the other thread, and for starting this new one, this all bodes very well i think.
it sounds like you had a tough birth and lord knows no-one would wish a reflux-y baby on their worst enemy, so you've not had it easy at all, you poor thing. Henry, though, such a lovely name...

as well as blethering on here, i spoke to someone whose tel no i got from the sheila kitzinger birth trauma site after i had prem dd2 (all a bit of a shock). i can't tell you what a difference it made, just getting the opportunity to talk through my feelings and tidy up my messy head, iykwim?

Yes, I got to go through my notes with my consultant in the end. It really helped

If your GP is confused I think he should refer you on. It is terrible to be in constant pain and not to know what is causing it and when you are likely to get better.

Hope you got some sleep haleana.

Hi Haleana, good to see you on this thread

I think from reading all that has happened to you, there is no surprise that you are finding things hard and may be feeling depressed. I'm glad to hear your HV is caring and also has noticed that things are not quite right for you atm.

Going back to the cuddling thing, I hope you don't mind but I think it is relevant!
The more time you can spend holding and touching your baby the better, just stroking his soft skin, try taking your top off and undressing him sometimes to hold him if you're comfortable with that, so that you are both skin to skin, plus looking into his eyes at moments when he is happy and calm, all this can help you connect with him and deepen your enjoyment of being together

if you think about it, only picking him up when he is already really miserable and screaming is bound to have a negative effect on your relationship, as you are going to associate holding him with feeling stressed and worried

try to be physically close with him as much as you feel comfortable - a sling is marvellous and means you can get on with things - but ideally you should still not be doing much at this stage - getting to know your baby, resting and healing are the most important things you can possibly be doing now, and people should be helping you with that as much as possible

i love acoupleofkooks. she is so right about everything.

Hi Haleana

I'm afraid I don't know much about PND, but just wanted to say I'm so pleased you have stuck around on Mumsnet. Some people might have been scared away by a few sharp responses on the other thread, but you are obviously made of sterner stuff!

It really sounds as though you are trying hard to do everything right for your baby boy. I really hope you get some help and remember there's no such thing as a perfect mother, we are all of us just muddling through as best we can.

Good luck

Just checking in, Haleana. Do you use a sling at all? I was wondering if this might help, given that he's refluxy - you'd be able to keep him close, let him sleep upright on you, and get stuff done if you needed to. I use one for ds, and it worked like valium on him when he was very small - it still makes him very happy at 8 mo, and it means I can do stuff with him attached to me.

Hi Haleana. I don't know much about PND, but I have a DS, now 10 months old, who had really bad reflux and dairy intolerance. He spent the first 4 months of his life screaming, and I was very depressed, exhausted, frustrated and desperate. Caring for a baby with reflux can truly be hell and at times I did think I had PND too.
He has been off meds for nearly 2 months now. He is a happy, cheerful and very sweet baby. I feel this overwhelming love for him you talk about, but I certainly didn't feel it from the start. I can't remember when it came. My DS is everything to me now, but in the first few months after he was born every morning I woke up dreading the day ahead.

I hope it gets better for you. good luck.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your responses. A lot of you have asked whether I've used a sling and the answer is yes - I've tried, however I am rather large on top and they tend to get in the way!! Plus with bad back (probably because of big boobs) the sling doesn't work for me unfortunately!

Henry is on Ranitidine, Domperidone and Carabel for his reflux at the moment. It seems to have some effect but we still have bad days.

Today I am having a good day but it's the bank holiday weekend and my husband is here to help. Even though I am having a good day, I still feel the 'thickness' in my chest of not being 'right'. Does that make sense?

You guys can't imagine how much your words of support help me! (Now this is what I imagined I'd get from MN, NOT the response I got from the previous thread)!

FYI with the cuddling thing - since the first thread I completely changed tact and now pick him up when I feel he needs it. He's been so much happier since then - seems so obvious now.

It's great to hear that cuddling him is working out so well.

As regards co-sleeping I would never allow anyone else to co-sleep with my ds, so I completely agree with you there. They are our children and we do make the rules

Well done about the cuddling thing. Enjoy it.

Glad you are having a good day. I do recognise that feeling of lurking disaster. Someone once described it as living in a paper house with a tiger lurking in the garden.

Have you tried cranial osteopathy for Henry? I would say it was worth a try. It certainly can't hurt.

yes i know what you mean about the thickness in the chest
caring for an ill baby is very stressful
sometimes it is easier to distance yourself from them a little because it makes you feel so anxious for them otherwise
this won't go on forever but i think you could do with some extra help meanwhile - do you know of the organisation parentline? You can phone them 24 hours a day for support with parenting issues

Humphrey - Yes I've tried cranial osteopathy but couldn't afford to keep up with the £40 weekly charge. Me and DH are trying to keep up with neck stretches for his flat head and have a special pillow. (Can't remember whether I mentioned that aside from all other health issues he has tighten muscles on the right side of his neck making it difficult for him to look left. Hence flat head).

Unfortunately I'm a little apprehensive about calling any helplines. Still unsure of whether I'm really suffering from PND or just going through a bad patch. Just going to speak to the HV and take it from there I think.

Haleana - not sure where you live, but there is a charity providing free osteopathy for children in London - www.fpo.org.uk/Secondary/AboutUs/index.html.