What can I do about my daughters obnoxious friend ?

[waybuloothebelt]

Hi, I'm in a bit of a tricky situation at the moment. My 4 year old daughter has a school "friend" who lives just across the road from us and she likes to come and play at our house. her Mum is very nice and tends to give her little darling everything her heart desires.
This little girl is so rude, bossy and dosn't make any attemps to play with my daughter, she's only interested in the toys or bossing her around. I also have an 11 year old son who arranges to go out if she comes around.
Last time she came around, I gave them a tea party because my daughter likes that kind of thing. The little girl looked at the table and said "Yuck!, what is this drink?" I told her it was apple juce, and she said "it dosn't even look like apple juce to me" to which I replied "well you can have water if you prefere" and she refused that too. She later asked what I was making and I told her they were going to be fairy cakes and she said "they look grose".
I do really like children, but I just can't warm to her in any way at all. I know she's only 5, and it's probubly due to her up bringing etc, but I don't want her influencing my daughter.
I do sort of feel obliged though, as when we try to avoid her for a while, her mum will say at school "oh H has missed A", we'll have to meet up again soon.
I'm the sort of person who want's an easy life, I don't like upseting people and I'd much rather just get on with it than make a fuss, but I have to think about how it'll effect my daughter. She actually likes playing with this girl, but she's always a bit cheeky for a while after. I've told her that I don't like that behaviour and that she shouldn't coppy H etc, but it dosn't make any difference.
I just wanted some advice really, I never had this when my son was little, I guess I've been lucky up until now.

Do you tell the little girl off? I'd probably say something like "We don't speak like that in our house- We only say nice things to each other" in a jolly voice. I'd also tell the mother something like, "Doesn't your DD like fairy cakes? She took one look at the ones I made and said they were gross."

Marking my place as ds (5) had a new friend who is a total git, really no redeeming features whatsoever.

Even ds has no said he is not sure he still wants to be friends with him as he is 'bossy and nasty to me' but the friend had told ds that no-one else will ever want to be his friend or play with him

The last time the little sod was here, he demanded that I went to the shops to buy him sweets grrrrr, really, really, dislike him.

agree with bertiebotts.

if she was playing in my house and said anything liek what you have posted i would crouch down to her level and say "you are being very rude and we do not allow this in our house, if i hear you being rude again i will take you home."

let her no that you will not be walked over in your own house. she does it because she is let away with it. you need to tell her your house rules, some children dont know how to behave in other houses.

ds also has a friend who demands food all the time, usually sweets. i just say, "it isn't a mealtime. you may have dinner with us if you liek but there will be nothing until then. if you are hungry you can have some fruit." she is usually never so hungry that she takes teh fruit.

You need to grow a pair. I have taken my dd's friend home to her house because of her rudeness.

I'd say teach her how to behave in your home, but then again if it were me I would bottle it and avoid having her over at all costs

I did tell her off at one point as she wouldn't let my daughter play with a toy she'd bought around and I heard her say "No, you can't play with this, it's MINE!!!!"
I then said to her "well A is letting you play with all her things and that is A's rocking horse you are sitting on, so it's nice to share, that's what friends do".
She then just said in a real madam's voice "well I have a real pony at my nan's farm, so I don't need this silly toy one, and A won't be alowed to ride my reay pony because she'd just fall off because she's too small". I was lost for words, so I told her to come off the horse then and play nicely or I'll take you home".
I'd never dream of speaking to an adult like that.

I agree that you need to establish some house rules. At five years old she is still learning how to behave.

Lol at having to "grow a pair". I think you are probubly right though.

I suppose I feel like I'm treading thin ice, as in her mothers eyes, she can do no wrong. I'm not sure she'd back me up and that would make things really awkward.

Be firm. Don't let your little one copy. They do change sometimes!

Way, i do feel your pain (must be the new pair growing). My dd's obnioxious friend sounds the same as your dd's except for the 5 year age gap. Friend is selfish, violent and greedy. DD on the other hand is generous to a fault, pacific (except with me) and giving. I pointed out to dd that there were so many disparity's between them I was suprised that friend was a friend. DD said nobody else liked her so she felt sorry for her. the next time she came to our flat and was her normal foul self I took her home. She hasn't been round since. The friends mum always excuses the behaviour with some ridiculous excuse or other. I have been firm in my resolve. If dd wants to play with the friend at school that is fine, she just isn't darkening my doorstep again.

tbh, waybuloo, i find that if you hold your tongue and let her carry on, you will build up a resentment towards her mother anyway so it wont be a genuine friendship. i know it would be awkward if she took offence but i would rather have well behaved children in my house and lose the friendship that put up with that rubbing off on my child and keeping a not so great friendship.

kreecher, ds's friend's mum always excuses her dds behaviour with tiredness. every time.

Sounds familiar, tiredness, excitement or a low blood sugar. Doubtful IMO.

I'd have to invent some rules just for her, as she's compleatly different to my children or any other's that I know off.

I think it's just her whole personality, she's constantly questioning what I'm doing and saying that her way/ mummy's way is better etc. Or being bossy or bostful. If I told her off every time she was like that, I'd be constantly telling her off.

I would've liked to walk her back home last time, but we'd agree'd to pick her up from school as her parents were working late, so I had no one to give her too.

I get "well, she has a very competative nature" or "she's had a long day, bless her". ...."bless her indead!!!!"

The mum is very strict with my daughter at her house though. If my daughter comes to sit with us whily we have our coffee, she'll say "A, you have come here to play with H, go and play with her or you'll have to go home!". I did feel like putting down my cup and saying "Come on then A, grab your coat". I think she only has my daughter around as a play thing for hers.

In some ways though her mum is really nice and funny, she's just very controlling.

I'm in the same boat with an aggressive 3 year old friend whose mother won't reprimand her son at all.
Sadly, I think the little girl's behaviour is representative of how she's treated at home. This prob won't change so you have to make the choice about whether it's having a lasting effect on your child.

it sounds like the dd is a chip off the old block.

you do need to firm up a bit and let the mum know that your dd is more than welcome to sit with you until you decide she has to play.

something like " oh no, dd you can sit with me if you like. you dont have to play with H if you dont want to."

i discovered how strong i was when my ds became a social bee. other people are more than welcome to inflict their opinions on whoever they like but if i dont like it then i will tell them.

"I told her to come off the horse then and play nicely or I'll take you home".

Nice one.

But I missed the bit about why you feel obliged to invite this girl round, if, as you say, she says horrible things to your daughter. cockatrice raises a good point about some horrible children bullying DC into being friends. waybuloothebelt, you said your DD wants to copy this girl, but is she happy to do that, or is she doing it only to placate? If the latter, you have a great excuse, and the positive responsibility, to stop seeing them out of school.

By the way, waybuloothebelt, that is a brilliant name! Bravo.

Well, I don't think it's doing her much good being bossed around even though she has no objection to it. She is quite a bright girl for her age, but lets herself he bossed around even by little 2 year olds. She never seems to want to take the lead.
Maybe we could use this girl to teach her how to stand up for herself maybe?

you mention about her comparing, as in "my mum does it this way"

in that situation i would just tell her straight that she comes across as a mean child when she says things like that and that no-one likes a mean child, smae with bossing and putting down your dd. i know it sounds harsh but sometimes these children dont know how else to behave. they have never been shown that there is more than just their feelings to consider.

waybuloo, i dont think you will teach your dd how to stand up for herself by using this girl. i think you will teach her by doing it yourself. as in standing up for your dd by telling this little girl when she is being horible and telling the mum when she bosses your dd. children copy their parents. if you let this child walk over her, she will think it is ok to be walked over because mummy lets it happen.

Thanks wingedvictory.

I feel obliged because we live so close and she's the only child from her class who lives within walking distance. (What does that say about catchment area's) But that's another thread.
Her parents both work FT and she goes to the breakfast club and the after school club every day and I suppose a part of me feels sorry for her. She's also an only child and dosn't make friends easily. (I wonder why)
It's also awkward when the mum seems to be pushing for them to be best friends.

That's very true, I do need to lead the way in showing my daughter how to stand up for herself.
It's actually so hard with this girl though.
I told her off again at the dinner table when I gave my daughter a drink and she started dinking streight away, The friend barked at her "SAY THANK YOU!!" I then said H, don't shout at A like that, you made her jump and she almost spiled her drink all down her" she said "Well, she should say thank you, that's not good mannars and my Mum says ....etc". I told her that it's up to me to tell her that not you. She then said "Well I think she's very rude not to say thank you". I told her that I think she's been very rude since she's been here pointing out all thie things which are rude etc and she still answered back with "well not saying thank you is more ruder than that".
I was speachless. and with myself for not being able to win against a 5 year old.

booyhoo offers a rather good formula for spelling it out. Not too harsh (the girl is only a child, after all), but not soft enough that she thinks it isn't meant.

If she complains to her mother, that sorts out letting her mother know, too, without you having to do it! The mum can't enjoy out-of-school "care" and a "plaything" for her daughter without a bit of outlay (effort on her daughter's manners), can she?

Tiredness is only a good excuse if it is not true all the time. And you seem sharp, as you have picked up on the double standard.