Taking the kids swimming is the most stressful part of parenting because ....

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

• They fight in car on way there
• The leisure centre is way too hot
• They drop their clothes all over the wet minging floor
• There are never enough family cubicles
• The lockers are so fecking narrow you need a JCB to cram all the clothes in BECAUSE you don't have enough coins for an additional locker
• Why do they sodding charge for lockers anyway, it's not as if you can nick them and fling them in a canal with the shopping trollies
• After cramming stuff in and inserting coin, you discover that particular locker is broken and you need to find another working one whilst kids start whining about putting on their goggles like right now
• They immediately swim off in different directions whilst you flounder wondering which one to follow (they can swim but need supervision at 5+6)
• There is a queue for the showers when you get out
• you have to share confined spaces with hairy, wobbling strangers with alarming skin conditions in far too minimal clothing
• the kids start squabbling in the changing rooms coz they are now tired, and cold
• Their goggles get stuck in their hair
• the only vacant changing room is at the farthest point possible from the working locker you discovered earlier
• the kids sit chittering looking at you instead of taking off their swimsuits and drying themselves
• they drop their clothes on the floor again
• they get veruccas and you fight with the rubber sock thingie when trying to get it on and off
• you don't close the shampoo top properly and it leaks all over the bag including the snacks you brought to stop them whinging
• you leave the leisure centre and it's freezing and pissing rain and your entire family are in danger of catching pneumonia coz you left the coats in the car because there is no fecking room in the lockers for em
• you stink of chlorine for three days afterwards no matter how long you stand in the showers washing yourself

I HATE SWIMMING POOLS

this is why we joined the gym

He cries the whole time he is in the pool because he is 1-yr old and scared and cold and wet.
But he'll get used to it eventually!

lol, but if you teach them to swim well now, once they hit preteens (mine are 8 & 12) you can send them themselves and have a wonderful afternoon of peace!!!

Yes, I agree total hell on earth at the time, but you reap what you so, so look forward to the good times.

I am also considering sending them to the Saturday night "disco" 6 - 8.30 on a Saturday night, and getting to go out with DP for a bite to eat!

• they scream in the changing room for no apparent reason
• they refuse to have clothes off (apart from socks) until they have walked to the poolside to check how many other people are there
• they will only go in the shower with the pink and blue lights, not the shower with the white light.
• they will not get their hair wet in the shower and if their hair gets the smallest splash they scream the place down.

And this is at a private health club, rather than a public leisure centre. I'm putting it down to being a toddler - toddlers tantrum over anything so why not about going in a changing room.

couldn't agree more, even tho half of those things don't even apply to me as I don't drive, and only have one child old enough to go, but poor deprived dd never gets to go swimming because I CAN'T face it. My dad takes her sometimes.

But you missed the bit in the middle, which is that they love the swimming so much you will always take them again

Voluptua, you said it for me.

madamedeathstare, that is hilarious. 'on, on, my battle wagon...' had me laughing for ages.

Yup - guffawed out loud at that one MadameDS

I forgot about the other hideous thing where your kids strike up conversations that should never enter the public realm. The following have all been uttered by my two over the last 5 months

• why do you have a hairy lala?
• why do you have a piece of string in your lala?
• do you ever get skidmarks on your pants Mummy?
• DD "look at the size of DS's willie - does Daddy have a big willie Mummy?
• DD "Mummy have you ever licked someones tongue?" Me "No and stop asking personal questions in a public place". DD "not even Daddy's?"
• why does your bum wobble Mummy?

I mean nothing is sacred.

Or if the are young toddlers in disposable nappies, and some great spark (DH) throws them in the air from the water, the nappy comes off (skinny kid) and out comes all the poop, that you hadnt realised was there, and everybody glares at you as now the pool has to close.

VoluptuaGoodshag: your OP made me LOL
but now DH knows I'm not "working" but am on MN again

You put up with it though because at some point in the future you will lie back on your sunbed, pick up a book and read at leisure because they can swim and you don't need to watch them like a hawk.

And a tip - get towelling dressing gowns. Cossies off, dressing gowns on and they can sit, stay warm and dry off whilst you get yourself ready and then see to them.

You forgot the bit where they shout at the top of their voices instead of just speaking. Why do they do that?

Today I had from DS1 "Mummy why do you have a HAIR BOTTOM?" (for volume, see above)

For me, the occasional floating plaster in the pool just adds to the delight and utter joy of the experience. My day is complete then

My theory is to not bother with the swimming pool until they are 5, or at least vaguely rational human beings.

Also, let someone else teach them to swim. Bliss.

or they run away on the slippy floor whilst you are half naked and you have to run after them otherwise they would fall in the pool, or knock themselves unconscious.

So we've kinda established in this thread that taking your kids swimming is a bad idea for many reasons and we should employ people to do it? Yes?

Another mum allows her daughter to almost decapitate my daughter by throwing her younger sister into the play pen I have put DD in while i get ready.
When I shriek(not shout - no time for scary telling off) "Be careful of my daughter" and lunge to protect her I get a mouthful from said mum because she "doesn't shout at her children".
That is fine but you need to look after your children in such a way that they are behaving in a safe and nice way.
I am very bitter! I was so shocked I just agreed with her - not sure I will be able to keep a lid on it if I see her again - it has bothered me for weeks (must get over it and realise said mum is obviously mental! - fine to not shout at your children but letting them run wild=not fine=very cross London mackem!)

My last?s weeks swimming try with my 2yo DS:

• Started screaming once we entered the changing room.
• Refused to change to swimming wear.
• Mummy changed to swimming wear first, DS still screaming.
• Mummy trying to convince DS to change, gets bit and smacked.
• Mummy cries as she is pregnant and hormonal.
• Mummy puts on her clothes and leaves the changing room embarrassed as other crowd watches behind.
• We wasted money, mummy is sobbing on the way home, not sure when I will have courage to try the swimming again?

Taking the kids swimming is the most stressful part of parenting because ....

• dh hates swimming and moans the whole time we are there.

Yes, Valpolicella. Wait until they are at the "right" age and send them to a swimming course. You'll relax by the pool with a book, they'll learn faster. At least IME, of course

Mind you it's worth it because my 1-yr old sleeps soundly for at least 2-hrs afterwards