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Original poster

Why do I have childcare phobia?

27 replies

LittleMumSmall · 11/05/2010 11:20

My lovely DS is 6 months and ever since he was born I have had a fear about leaving him with anyone other than DH.

I've had two 'days off' (i.e. four hours out of the house when he is in DH's care) since birth and DH thinks it's time for me to consider childcare, but I honestly can't face it - it just feels wrong. No family near us to help out (but to be frank, I'm not sure I'd trust them if they were!!)

My own mum managed alone with me and my sister and she has long-term issues with insomnia, depression and alcohol. Like my mum, I'm planning to start trying for another baby soon - will I be making a big mistake if I don't start trying to trust someone else to care for DS soon? Does anyone else feel this way about childcare?

Thanks for any feedback, mumsnetters x

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mumblechum · 11/05/2010 11:22

I think you're going to have to ease yourself into it gradually. I never had the luxury of not putting mine into childcare as had to go back after 3 months (in the olden days before 1yr mat leave) and yes I did worry for the first couple of days but then it was fine.

everythingiseverything · 11/05/2010 11:24

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thisisyesterday · 11/05/2010 11:25

i think how you feel is very normal. and there is no reason to put your son in child care if you don't need to
none of had any kind of childcare until they were 3, because, like you, I wanted to care for them myself and I missed them terribly

if it feels "wrong" to you then don't do it!!

plenty of mums do use chidcare, but it's usually because they have no choice as they have to return to work... i don't think that many sahm mums use it just because they think they ought to

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mumblechum · 11/05/2010 11:27

But even if you're not going back to work you do need to sort out babysitters so you and your dh can have some couple time.

Bramshott · 11/05/2010 11:32

Childcare isn't compulsory - many people don't use it, and just have "couple" time once the DC are in bed.

mumblechum · 11/05/2010 11:54

But what about when you get invited to a party/office do/general pissup?

You can't just opt out of a social life because you have a baby imo. Life would be v v dull!

goldenticket · 11/05/2010 11:59

It is massively important to maintain some kind of couple time - just waiting until the DCs are in bed is fine when they're babies and go to bed earlier but not so great when they get older and stay up later. Plus I think it's a mistake to say no to all invites for the two of you i.e. to prioritise your child (and possibly soon to be children) above all else. It's no good for them OR you. The fact that your DH has mentioned this suggests that he knows this and wants to reclaim "you" as his partner for a little bit of time.

Have a think about what exactly your issues are with having others looking after your baby. There will be a solution out there that suits you, I promise!

Bramshott · 11/05/2010 12:51

Yes, but leaving a 12-18 month old is very different from leaving a 6 month old. I think there are probably a lot of people who don't go out much, if at all in the first year or so. It wouldn't be for everyone, but that doesn't mean that if the OP and her DH are happy with that, there's anything "wrong" with it.

thisisyesterday · 11/05/2010 12:52

mumblechum.... surely that depends on the person??

if the OP doesn't want anyone else to look after her baby right now then surely that's her perogative?
there is absolutely nothing wrong, IMO, with not wanting to use childcare just for the sake of it. I am sure should a situation arise then the OP will look for a solution, but for now if her baby and her partner and her are happy with things as they are then what's the problem?

thisisyesterday · 11/05/2010 12:54

OP- have a google on attachment parenting. You will find an awful lot of people who feel the same way as you do.

there is a huge onus these days on not "allowing" your children to come first or be prioritised, and this insistence that you need to spend time away from your children in order to have a life or for your relationship.

i am sure some people find this works for them, but there are certainly many people who find the opposite is true

flowerybeanbag · 11/05/2010 12:54

By LittleMumSmall Tue 11-May-10 11:20:41
"DH thinks it's time for me to consider childcare"

Why is that, does he want you to go back to work and you don't want to?

goldenticket · 11/05/2010 12:57

But her DH isn't happy is he? He wouldn't be gently mentioning it otherwise.

Fwiw, I don't think there's a right and wrong way with this. But I think the OP should listen to her DH's opinion and then try and find a comprimise.

goldenticket · 11/05/2010 12:58

I took it to mean babysitting but I could be wrong (as OP didn't talk about work at all).

PotPourri · 11/05/2010 13:01

Do you go to any toddlers groups? This will build your confidence in how other environments can be good for your child's development. Then you will be more open to the options available. I second what someone else said, you just hacen't found the right care yet. You'll know when yoiu meet a cbildminder or nursery who is up to what you need.

brennannbooth · 11/05/2010 13:02

If it helps, I found 7 months quite a watershed on this issue as before then both DC were only really happy with me and then by that time they were fine with someone else (apart from tears at the moment of separation), I think this was because they were eating properly by then, slept better at naptimes and more interested in toys than just cuddles.

It was really hard with my first DC before then, for example I remember DH's gran holding a sleeping 3 mo DS for an hour and a half in the same room as me and I was itching to snatch him back off her!

Francagoestohollywood · 11/05/2010 13:23

I think that using a bit of childcare doesn't mean you are not prioritizing your children, unless of course the child is unhappy.

I think your baby is still very young and it's quite natural to want to spend all your time with him.
But even the most content sahmothers might need a bit of time for themselves, so my advise is to keep an open mind, see how you go and if/when you feel the need for a regular break look for a good babysitter/childminder/nursery, whichever you think you can be more comfortable with.

thisisyesterday · 11/05/2010 13:27

was using prioritise in response to person who said it's wrong to do so above all else.

and i think it depends why the DH thinks it's time to consider it doesn't it?: if it's pressure from workmates to go out, or pressure from family members that's a lot different to him wanting time with the OP or wanting her to go back to work

she shouldn't do anything she isn't comfortable with at the end of the day

thisisyesterday · 11/05/2010 13:30

agree with everyone who has said that when you find the right person/place you'll be happy leaving him though!

nickytwotimes · 11/05/2010 13:31

It's still early days.

If you do not have to use childcare yet, then don't feel rushed into it.

Ds was about 4 mths when I allowed anyone other than dh to look after him. I was unwell and my Mum took him for a few hours and it was fantastic tbh! But if you don't feel ready to leave him yet then don't. You'll probably feel differently in a few months anyway. And tbh neither dh nor I had the energy nor inclination to go out of an evening for about the first year anyway.

StarlightMcKenzie · 11/05/2010 13:32

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neolara · 11/05/2010 13:33

I felt exactly the same as you with my first dc and to be honest, I didn't think of it as a problem at all. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. I didn't go back to work and I was perfectly happy to look after my dc by myself. I think it took until she was 8 months before my dh and I went out by ourselves in the evening. As she got older, and we started to emerge from the baby bubble, we started going out more.

Six years down the line, I now have dc3. This time we were out on the town when she was 8 weeks, but I think the novelty of having kids has worn off by now! I'm a bit more desparate for adult company.

I think you should do what works for you. If you don't want to use childcare, then don't. And don't feel bad about your decision. Enjoy it!

RiverOfSleep · 11/05/2010 13:34

I was at work full time with both of mine by 6 months old, so I HAD to find somewhere I was happy with, and it worked out very well, they both stayed there long term. However I think it was harder for my SAHM friends who couldn't justify expensive childcare 'just to have a break' and so their children went to creche while they went to the gym. Its a nice creche but with the best will in the world not as consistent or personal as a long term arrangement and I think it was harder for the babies. Just a thought.

suiledonne · 11/05/2010 13:39

My dds are 4 and 18 months. I have rarely ever left them with anyone other than DH. MIL has looked after them a handful of times and thats it.

I have to admit it is starting to cause problems now. DD1 is very reluctant about starting pre-school because she doesn't want to leave me.

DH and I haven't been out alone together since we went to a wedding last August.

I had PND after I had dd1 and I could never bear the thoughts of her being with anyone else and even though I was OK after I had dd2 we were just used to never going out and didn't make any changes.

My advice is when you feel ready then consider finding someone you trust and see how it goes.

loonyrationalist · 11/05/2010 13:41

DD1 was not cared by anyone but DH & I until she started school at 2.5. There was no real need, I am a sahm.
DD2 has been to creche since she was 8 months old but again will not be in any other childcare until pre-school.

Childcare is great if you want/need it but it is not essential. Whu out of interest does your dh feel you need to use some?

goldenticket · 11/05/2010 14:20

OP, do come back and talk to us