Please please tell me what you do with your tantruming 2yo when out

[Rockbird]

Because I've had enough. Yet again today I've abandoned a trolley of shopping, walked out and come home. DD is 2.3yo, wants to walk everywhere, will not go in pushchair or trolley. But will also not hold hand, hold trolley or move with reins on. Starts off well, we have a little chat where we agrees that she will hold my hand otherwise she gets in the trolley. But within 30 seconds she's running off. After a couple of times of bringing her back, telling her off whatever, she then goes in the trolley and screams blue murder. I know children scream and I should just brazen it out; sometimes I can but when she really throws a strop I can't deal with it.

I've tried distraction, involving her in shopping, bribery, telling off, ignoring, everything you can think of. It's now got to the stage where I rarely leave the house with her. I know this is what toddlers do but how do you cope with it? Because between an extremely stressful job and equally stressful days with DD I'm feeling like I want to run away. I can also feel my temper at breaking point and that worries me because I have a very very fiery quick temper and I know how quickly I can snap.

Horrible isn't it. Ds was similar with walking at that age and I would do the same, tell him he could walk nicely or go in the buggy. He had 1 warning then went inthe buggy and it was murder to get him in, he would scream and thrash about andonce twisted round and tipped the buggy (still has a scar on his head from that one). BUT, it passed and he is now a fantastic walker who I can trust.

I have on various occasions dragged ds back to the car by the arm as he tried to throw himself on the floor while screaming "don't hurt me mummy", left him screaming on the floor as I walked off (slowly obviously until he got the point and stopped screaming) and also left him screaming on the floor of a cafe while I ordered (I knew he was screaming because he was cold and hungry).

It is horrible, really horrible. I think the hardest thing with toddlers is reminding yourself that your own behaviour has to be saintly. YOu must not snap, you must be consistent etc etc because it does pay dividends. I certainly find that if I have a bad week and keep snapping the bad behaviour gets worse but if I manage to gather myself the behaviour improves very quickly.

I really sympathise though. Currently finding it very hard to stay sane with a 3 year old going through a horrible phase.

Oh, one more suggestion, I now only do top up shopping with dcs (milk, fruit etc) and do a monthly internet shop for all the tins, cereals etc because a full supermarket shop was horrible and while I'm sure supernanny would come up with all sorts of involving ways to do it as a family I cannot be arsed and feel the £5 delivery is well worth it!

Thanks Indith. It's 'nice' to know that others do go through this because I'm currently feeling like the worst mother in the world. My head tells me to keep calm but I can feel the rage building. I'll have to work on some breathing techniques or something otherwise I'll be in front of a judge in in the near future.

Most people go through it. When dragging her around screaming don't be afraid to look people in the eye and get on with your business, a lot of them will be giving looks of sympathy! When ds was screaming on the cafe floor it sparked a mass conversation between all the other customers of when their own children had done similar things, made me feel much better!

When dd1 would not follow me in the shop, I just walked off without speaking a word. No warnings etc. at all. Just turned on my heels and walk outside her comfort zone, just enough to trigger instinctive insecurities. She quickly followed. It taught her very early to follow me. She only sat down 2x on the floor in the shop in temper - pushing boundaries a bit later when she was already a good walker. With no warning I went out of sight in the next aisle (but in reality was only about 3m away) and she came screaming.

does that make me a bad mummy?

Nope not all all! (how the devil are you? You seen the meet up thread?)

Internet shopping.

And pick up child and walk out.

My child has no insecurities, not one. I would get to Land's End before she'd turn round and wonder where I was. She would cheerfully run out of the shop and under a car. Usually I put reins on her but she's getting heavier to drag! I don't do supermarket shopping with her any more, luckily I can do that on the way home from work earlier in the week. This was a quick trip to Wilkos for a couple of items. I dream of the days when she was younger and we used to go to Ikea for lunch and a mooch round the market place...

Foxy - yeah I've tried similar with Daniel, but after a while he cottoned on, and would wave bye at me!!
Rockbird, my ds (a month older than yours) is EXACTLY the same, some days he will sit in the trolley but most days he won't and he'll persistently run off then I end up losing my rag It is soooo hard not to turn into a shrieking fishwife when he tearing off down one of the aisles, laughing his head off. Because when I do tell him off he thinks it is funny

I am seriously tempted about doing the internet shop idea... used to but haven't done it for a while.

Usually fold my arms and tut. Then sigh. Tell him once to get up and stop being a silly billy. If he doesn't I pick him up like a rugby ball (tucked under one arm) and start walking away.

BUT- he is quite an amenable child and therefore it's easier. Plus I have zero embarrassment at tantrumming children so I don't care what other people may think or do.

Also I insist on putting him in the trolley although he won't go in the pushchair- I tell him he's the driver and I need him to drive the trolley safely for me. It usually works, although we had a meltdown in Tesco's the other day....

Ouch, you have my sympathies!

Think it has to be what works for the individual child though as obviously they're all different. Try everything and if all else fails, get an MP3 player or radio out, put your headphones in and gaze into the middle distance until your DC calms down!

My DN is awesomely easy to control with tantrums as if you try to take her somewhere/make her do something (like put her coat on) and she doesn't want to, she will scream blue murder and try to wriggle out of your grasp. But the moment you let go of her she drops to the floor face first (er, less violently than that sounds!). All you need to do is leave her there for max. two minutes, then say brightly, "Come on! Ready to go now?" and she'll do whatever it was easy as!

It's basically the same principle of Time Out that we use at home - if she won't do/go X I say, "Right, we're going to stand here then," and take her a few feet away, out of the way of other members of the public, then let her get on with her crushing disappointment.

She was never ever phased by being left alone though. Worked with all her brothers but her response was, "Yeah, whatever. Ooh look, a flower/some dirt/other people's shoes."

I absolutely know what you're going through.
It's impossible isn't it.

Solution;
Just throw child into pram, strap him/her down and shop, if they're still screaming hysterically hum to yourself between saying in a sing song voice 'stop being silly darling, we have to shop, you're obviously incapable of walking nicely'

Not sure what else can be done.
I just would rather strap my son down and go than deal with all those running away games, they drive me mental.

I had to give my screaming 3 yo a fireman's lift out of John Lewis yesterday.
I held my head high, and an old lady winked and flashed me a "been there, got the t-shirt" grin. I could have kissed her.

I've done a couple grocery shops with our 3yo throwing a tantrum and screaming in the trolley seat. I just calmly finished the shop and kept chatting with DS throughout the store. I had a few people express sympathy with a "been there, done that" type of thing, but the only disapproval was one elderly woman that made the comment "aw, can't believe your mummy dragged you to the shop when you're obviously tired and need a nap." to which I replied "he just had a nap, thank you, this is a tantrum. He'll get over it." and walked away. It's life, tantrums happen, we all know it, no point hiding it. If an activity is a fun activity for the kids (trip to park, etc) then I will pack up and go home over a tantrum thrown, but when it's stuff I need to (such as a grocery shop) that they don't necessarily enjoy, I don't want them to learn that if we go somewhere they don't like, just throw a tantrum and mummy will take us out of there.

All it took was a couple times. When DS realised that it wasn't getting the result he wanted, he stopped. He behaves just fine in the grocery store now.

I wouldn't abandon the shop just because my toddler was tantrumming.

That's when they get strapped in to buggy or trolley, securely, and I have to hold my head high, cheeks burning, and get round the shop as fast as possible while child screams blue murder.

ds2 used to have to do all the supermarket shops with me when he was this age. We used to go when he was a bit peckish, go straight to the bakery counter, get him a bagel which took him the whole time to eat that it took to do the shopping. Result. Oh, and I always paid for the bagel, don't worry mnetters!

I can ignore dd's tantrums, but ds's were just so violent I couldn't let him go. He would have got to the next county before looking round to see where I was.

I think you just do what you need to do and remember that it will pass. And don't feel guilty.

Have the same thing with a 2yo DS. Sometimes he's OK but other times it's total meltdown and he has the most ear piercing scream I really can't inflict that on the other people in the supermarket for as long as it takes to do the shopping.
His latest thing is he wants to push the shopping basket round and "help", which is great if it's only a few things but doesn't work if I'm trying to do a big shop and have a trolley, cos can't manage him (runs off) and the trolley.
We basically try to only do a big shop when Dh can come too and we're trying sticker rewards now to have a threat we can use if he looks like he's going to kick off.
But I sooooo sympathise. It's just awful.

Just had a thought - if you don't want to inflict the noise on others, can you take DC out of the shop, let them tantrum outside, then go back in when it's over? Even if you've only got time to pop back in to buy one thing (and do whatever it was they kicked off about, like hand holding etc), that might send the message that actually, even though I have had a tantrum we are still going to end up doing what mummy wants.

glitterandglue - lovely idea, and sounds like it's come from a parenting book.

Problem is, most of us go to the supermarket with a long list. We also need to buy these things in order to eat for the next day or two.

If I left the supermarket only to return for one thing once the toddler stopped tantrumming, then we would be at the supermarket several times a day!

It's tough, but supermarket shops have to be done. (although if I'm organised I do it online)

Tomorrow I have to take my 7, 5 and 3 year old shopping, as my watch has broken and it's really hard to lead a life revolving around the social needs of 3 dc, plus a job, without a watch. dh is away, so they will come. And they will not make too much noise, or they won't get pizza express afterwards

They are of a bribeable age though. Luckily.

My 1.5yo DS is just starting to get the hang of proper tantrums...I'm already stocking up on karma by giving parents of meltdowners the sympathetic eye.

kitkatsforbreakast, it was just a suggestion in response to people saying they had ended up simply leaving the supermarket as couldn't face inflicting the noise on others. I personally am quite happy to carry on with a screaming toddler because everyone was one once and quite frankly I couldn't give a monkeys if anyone judges - I try not to actively annoy other people but sorry, toddlers do tantrum!

However, I know others are more worried about what others are thinking/how other people are bothered by it, so it was an idea for them.

if you can internet shop , if you cant get babysitter, if you have to take the offending child , when tempers starts . plan a).point and say in a loudish voice ooh look at that xy or z.
plan b) have small intresting object in handbag/pocket ...only produce this object when child is showing signs ,and not in full blown temper because object will get bounced off the nearest shop staff member floor.

phew glitterandglue sorry if I was rather abrupt with you.

I'm possibly rather touchy about it - my 3 year old had a monster of a tantrum this afternoon (long, involved and frankly irrelevant story) and I just ignored it. One grandfather nearby felt compelled to comment on it, and therefore on my parenting, which made me rather

I do take distraction things with me (only post children could felt tips and notebooks take priority over lipsticks and sweeties in my handbag) but if a toddler is determined to tantrum, then they have to get on with it. And so does everyone else. So I agree with you.

DS is 2.6. I don't give him the option of running away in the supermarket when we do our weekly shop - he gets strapped into the trolley.
However I do allow him to choose a £1 toy car each week when we're in the shop. If he's a good boy in the shop, we buy it. If he's a naughty boy we don't buy it. That £1 a week is money well spent

When we're walking in the street he usually holds my hand nicely. However, he runs away if I don't hold his hand. I always carry a wristband - rein thing in my bag, so if he runs away, on goes the wristband - rein.

Not sure how to handle his latest trick, though. His latest thing is to occasionally sit on the pavement and refuse to move. If I ask him or tell him to stand up, he won't. If I pick him up and stand him up, he sits down again and giggles. He did it yesterday so I just picked him up & threw him over my shoulder & marched down the street. Any suggestions on other tactics to try??