Favourite child?

[daisylawn]

Anyone willing to own up to having one - or being one?

I dont have a favourite child. I can honestly say that I love all three of my girls the same.

I was more outgoing than brother so he certainly felt as if I was the favourite as I got most of the attention. Now I think I am fathers favourite as we chat loads and he (dad) says he has little in common with his son. My brother is definitely my mothers favourite now as I have married and Englishman (so did she but divorced him 16 years later) and decided to live in England instead of South Africa.

daisylawn,

I don't think I have one (have two sons, 6 and 18 months) - I adore them both and am driven to distraction by both in pretty much equal measure.

As a child, I always thought that my younger brother was my Mum's favourite (and that was OK because I knew I was my Dad's!) but now I have sons I think I perceive it as more complicated than that. I was so good - one of those children who's never in trouble, real girlie swot, academically bright etc. Whereas my brother was never out of trouble, never did very well at school, is hopeless with money etc. I think Mum worried about him more, and always had the attitude that I was OK, and thus had more of a soft spot for my brother.

Does that make sense?

My Mum and I have a brilliant relationship now (especially since I had children) and she denies that my brother was ever her favourite. She would though, wouldn't she?!

Oh, and digressing - the troublesome brother who left school with hardly any qualifications is now Head of Design at a major international accountants - has flash company car, designer suits, a phone that you can send video on (whoo-hoo!), holidays abroad twice a year, blah blah blah.
And the brainy, swotty older sister with a ridiculous amount of qualifications is now a ...stay at home Mum.

My favourite changes depending on what they're doing at the time I guess it evens out over all meaning that, on average, I love them both the same.

My dd is my favourite child.

But then again she is my only one

My mother is very similar in personality in many ways to my sister, so she always related to her more than to me. She admitted that she didn't understand me - I of course always thought that meant that my sister was the favourite - she thought the same as me. I can see now that wasn't the case.

Favoritism has caused a lot of problems in my extended family. On my Mum's side it was the eldest son (3rd child of 6) who was the favourite, on my Dad's side the youngest son (of 4 children). It has caused so much bad feeling in varous ways on both sides - both for the favourite and for the other siblings.

I don't (knowingly) have a favourite (but does the one who favours ever KNOW they are actually doing it?). I love my children desperately, they are both wonderful, unique people.

I think my parents were and still are marvellous in that they NEVER showed that they had any favourites out of the four of us. I think they must have had times when they 'preferred' one of us to the other because of however we were behaving at the time but I can honestly say that even now not one of us would claim that they had or have a favourite. They have always made a point of giving us each equal time and attention. They are loyal in that they never discuss one of us with any of the others .... As you can see I think my parents are fantastic.
It must be hard ... I only have one at the moment but my brothers and sister and I are all very different as people so how could they not have a favourite?
I think the key is NOT to show it .... if that is possible.

My four are all different in temperament. Some of them are harder work than the others but I certainly don't love them any less. It's all swings and roundabouts. The things that make one of them in particular a handful also make him very lovable. On the other hand, the very easy-going, considerate, helpful one, is (dare I say it) a bit of a coward (could have used another word there!) so frustrates in another way.

In the end, I really don't think behaviour/temparament has a lot to do with love. For most parents it is unconditional and survives large doses of appalling behaviour.

When I went to use my dad's computer one day last summer, I had the misfortune to see on the screen an e-mail he had just sent to his friend. He'd written of my brother: "Peter is doing just great. He's our favourite."

I cried the rest of the afternoon, age 31 and pregnant with his 2nd grandchild.

My father tried to finesse his way out of that faux pas, but the sting of that discovery remains with me, perhaps because it confirmed what I had always suspected.

I see myself inclined to favour my son over my daughter (partly because dd is only 9 mos and I hardly know her), but I will do everything in my power not to. I'm sure, as Maryz said, there is something to be loved in every child. You have to be open-minded enough to see it.

Expatkat - that is just terrible and I really really feel for you.

I have always been convinced that my parents prefer my sis and bro to me, but would be heartbroken just like you if I read it somewhere.

This is why I only want one child.

Hugs

Ouch Expatkat

Only have one so not an issue atm but always knew I was dad's favourite, he didn't really hide it. Caused quite a bit of jealousy and resentment from my brothers. But then, I've alwasy felt my mum favoured her sons (she denies this). I think I've spent a lot of my adult life trying to become her favourite now, I'm a bit of a stirrer and always emphasise any 'bad' behaviour from my brothers. Never really grow out of these sibling rivalries do we?

I have three children and they have all been given more attention as they have arrived but it goes without saying that the youngest always needs more attention. I have also found that each has been more demanding of attention with my third being the most demanding of all. I also find it easier to 'give' to the youngest one and feel very guilty at times that it happens this way. I'm sure that DS1 and DS2 will say that DD is my favourite, but in reality they had all the attention given to them when they were the youngest in the family too. It is so difficult to share yourself equally between 3 when the ages are different and you expect different things from them.

ExpatKat ... I would have been devastated to read that ... hugs {{{}}}

ExpatKat, I know you feel, so I'm sending you some ((hugs)). My mum told me when I was about 14 or 15 that she preferred boys to girls and that one of my two brothers was her favourite. I cannot imagine what possessed her to say it out loud, even though it had been obvious to me for years who her favourite was.

I don't have a favourite out of my four; they are all so different, lovable and infuriating in equal doses! Mind you, the older three all think I do have a favourite but they can't agree on which one of them it is, LOL!!

I wasn't the favorate. I failed at the moment of birth by being a girl. My mother, and aunts would frequenly say, in front of me, 'Boys are realy special, so loving and funny'. One of my aunts told me, in front of my six year old dd and 3 year old ds how lucky I was to have a boy as she 'only had girls'. My mother once told me off for visiting a sick boy friend because 'I might catch scarlet fever and give it to my brother'. Honestly! Can you credit it??

I don't think she ever realy forgave me for being better at school than he was. I love my dd for being a girl and my ds for being a boy. Different and equal.

I have to own up to knowing that I am my mum's favourite (and probably my step-dad's - even though my brothers are his 'own' and I'm not!) - both my brothers have quite prickly characters and my mother talks to me quite regularly & openly about how difficult their relationships are. She always wanted 3 girls - but got one girl and 2 boys - and was devasted when my child was a boy - although she loves him to bits now of course!!

As for me - as I'm sticking with one - so he's the favourite!

expatkat, how awful for you.

Good topic. My sister is my parent's favourite at the moment - she is a lot more attentive of them and also still in a way "stuck" to them even though she is 30. The price I have had to pay for my independence from them is the demotion in their affections. (Though my mother still has that "gut" love for me). They are quite controlling and I think they found it hard to accept that a child of theirs could withdraw as much as I did - I did this for self-protection (sounds a bit dramatic) as otherwise they would have continued to try to wield their will over me. Little things but annoying all the same. Now that my ds is here (19 months) my Dad absolutely ADORES him and in a way both (though less my mother) are clear that they come to my house only to see him which I find a little galling.
We only have one ds so far but I do worry a little that I might not "love" a second child as much were they not to have such a nice personality as ds but I think it's probably true to say that you love children "differently". Still, if one child is more affectionate than the other then it must be hard not to prefer the one who seems to like you (as is kind of the case with me and my sister).
Expatkat, Suedonim and Hmb, it must have been really horrible to know that you were not the favourites in such a blatant manner - I'm really sorry . It stirs up really horrible feelings and I think affects people's feelings of self-worth as well (though it shouldn't because after all our parents are just 2 other people).

expatcat - I agree, how awful for you, and, hope you don't mind me saying, how wierd of your dad to be discussing favourites, at your ages? I suppose you always have the idea of favourites being for children, but I guess once a favourite always a favourite?

My sister was always my family's favoourite & I felt it very much through my whole childhood, and still do now.

I feel very strongly about the damage it does to children (and adults) and would never show my kids of one was favoourite. Thank God, I can honestly say I don't feel any favoutitism with either of my sons. They are so totally different and so wonderful (ha - not at the momment - both equally mostrous) but so completely different.

Zoe, that's actually why I want more children. All my family have only got the regulation 2 children & I found it so intense as a child. I'm now pg with my 3rd. Have always wondered about 4, but we'll take it one step/baby at a time.
Of course there can be favourites in large families, but the intensity of 2 siblings is just too much, ime.

Can I ask why you ask, daisylawn? Are you suffering from childhood experiences, or stryggling to cope with parental leanings towards on particular child, or wondering about having another and worried it will be an issue for you?

I love my three daughter equally, but appreciate them for different things, and sometimes like one more than the others depending on their behaviour during the day!

I agree with Maryz - very sensible and very true.

I'm one of 3 girls, and although we used to constantly pester our parents to reveal who their favourite was, they were adamant they didn't have one.

Recently I told my younger sister that I always knew that secretly I was my dad's fave, and she said that she always knew she had been. I suppose that must be a secret of successful parenting, to treat all your children as though they were your favourite, even if at that particular moment, they most definitely are not!

Monkey, I ask as the parent of just one so far! I wondered if parents of 2 or more commonly had a favourite child - of course you can't ask the question face to face as no one could admit it if they did! Sometimes people are able to express opinions on the web more honestly than in person.
I know that there can sometimes be personality clashes between parent and child, so that whereas you may love all your children equally you may prefer the company of one over another.
The question was also sparked off from another thread where a teacher admitted that whilst she was very professional in treating all her children equally, she did have favourites.

Not having more than one child, I don't really know what I am talking about, it's just that in everyday life, whilst there is good in everyone, not everyone is your favourite, and it's hard to understand why that isn't so regarding your own children, IYSWIM?

I have a different favourite at different times - as someone else said, it depends on what they're doing at that point in time / what phase they're going through. They are both as lovable and as challenging as each other in turn.

I definitely love all mine the same but the degree of liking varies! I don't think any of mine feel that one is the favourite - or, if they do, which one they think it is changes all the time - but maybe they sometimes feel like the unfavourite if we are going through a bad patch.

Like PamT I find it easier to give to the youngest, in both the emotional and material sense; the others sometimes feel miffed that he gets things so easily, but also recognise that he doesn't have the social life, company and degree of attention that they had at the same age because our circumstances have changed, and on balance think they did at least as well as he does.

I am horrified too at what expatkat's Dad wrote. If anyone I knew wrote to me that one of their children was their favourite I would want to tell them what I thought, as aloha probably would (or at least could) but wouldn't have the nerve...

I have a friend with 4 children, one of whom is and always has been the unfavourite. She is 18 now and causing them endless anxiety because she is desperately in love with her boyfriend, spends all available time with him and, from what she has told my DD2 (her friend), may well end up pregnant before much longer (eg needing the morning-after pill twice in a week); and it's not hard to see what that's all about. DD2 has spent a lot of time with the family over the years and seen how often she was picked on by the other 3 and belittled by her father; her mother has veered between saying yes all the time (to avoid trouble) and saying no all the time (because she has been so bad).

Not a happy bunny. I wish I had tried to talk to her mother about how DD2 and I feel but I don't think it would have made any difference because it's her father who runs the family and nobody can tell him anything.

Favouritism can be so destructive. My mother has always favoured my brother- even now as adults. Her mother did the same (& her "baby" brother is now 56!)

For that reason I decided I couldn't have 2 because I reasoned that there would be a favourite and an UNfavourite. (Not sure how true that is in other families). We ended up with 4 & all of them say we favour the youngest. You can't win.